SRS close friend just told me she was raped when she was 10

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by euro_R, Oct 13, 2008.

  1. euro_R

    euro_R OT Supporter

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    friend of mine from school..we talk normally, partied a few times..etc. id consider a close enough friend.

    talking to her tonite, she said she was a bit depressed, spoke to her a bit then stuff got a bit deeper..to cut a long story short she told me she was suicidal becuase of stuff that happened in the past. we talk some more and then she dropped a fucking bomb on me as to what happened..turns out she was raped when she was 10, and anytime the memory haunts her she feels to kill herself. i noticed that lately she's been keeping to herself alot and isnt very social anymore. she also told me that she has basically pushed away most of her close friends..

    ive NEVER been in this sort of situation before :wtc:, when she told me i was stunned shitless for a couple minutes..i honestly dont knwo what to say..

    you always see things like this on the news but when it happends to someone you know..it hits close to home :hsd:

    any of you been in this situation before? any tips?
     
  2. WGD87

    WGD87 New Member

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    My best friend in high school told me about an on-going situation like that from when she was younger. She told me it had been taken care of and dealt with but it really had not been.
    I think she really wanted to tell someone who she felt would not judge her. I think she needed someone to confide in. That is an awful thing to have happen to anyone and sometimes you feel like you just, can't tell anyone no matter how much you want to.
    I'm not saying I know but I figure she wanted to tell you to tell you. She may have told people before or she may not have but she needed to get it out.
    Obviously such a traumatic thing is hard to get over. I highly suggest she get some help in some way other than venting to you just because you don't have the training and you may not always know what to say. It could put you both in an awkward spot. Like... If you don't know what to say, she could feel helpless and if you do know what to say she could rely on you a little too much. But good friends are what they are. She is reaching out to you so you should be there for her.
    I don't really know what to say to people in situations like that. To be honest I listened a LOT but I never had to say much because I was an ear to listen more than anything.
    Things I might have said:
    It will always hurt but it was the past. You can let things get better or worse and things will get so much better if you give them the chance. What are things she has to look forward to? There are amazing people in the world and shitty people in the world.. and confused people in the world. You live to meet the amazing person, fight to turn around the confused ones and educate the world to stay away and warn people of the shitty ones... Its kind of part of life.
    I'm babbling now but.. I guess I just have to say you have to get over the past to move forward or it will bring you down. Sometimes dropping the past is easier when you can see a future. If you talk to her again and mention that, make sure you have some good things in your head to tell her about her great future. I've been down before and someone gave me that talk but they sat there for a while when I said "like what?" and I got pissed.. lol
     
  3. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    Completely common and totally understandable response, but it's not going to take you very far and its going to leave her feeling confused. You can't attack an emotional problem with logic, babe. It ain't gonna work. While what you said is technically true, you didn't address how she's feeling right now. THAT is what she needs from you. She's not going to hear you when you tell her "it's in the past... there are things to look forward to..."

    She (just like the rest of us when we're hurt) wants to feel validated and understood. She's not looking for solutions. She looking for someone who understands the gravity of the situation and can reflect that back to her so she feels like she's being heard, understood and acknowledged.

    Both of you- listen to her. You don't have to say anything. She's not looking to you to make it better. She knows there's nothing you can do fix the situation. She just wants to feel understood. Don't judge. Don't try to assess the situation. Help her find a counselor or rape crisis center. There are also a lot of resources out there for "secondary survivors" -being people who know and support loved ones who have been raped or abused. You might want to check out those resources. You might be able to find more information there that can help. Don't be afraid to ask her questions. If she doesn't want to talk, she'll let you know. Don't be afraid to bring it up either- be tactful and cognizant of who is around and how she's feeling of course, but showing her you don't mind discussing it shows her your support.

    Good luck guys :hs:
     
  4. WGD87

    WGD87 New Member

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    I know saying that is not the solution... I guess I was just getting at like... at some point the past has to get left behind to move on.. I didn't mean to say it that way I guess...

    I wanted to point out she is saying it as a means to talk about it.. She needs an ear to listen most of all. If she is suicidal those are things to say that might get her to think.. Not really genius responses or solutions but just the best I could think of to bring up...

    I dealt with this a long time ago... And I listened a lot but at some point it got a little old to just talk to me and she started looking for discussion.. That is just kind of what came up. I dunno how helpful it was but yeah..

    I agree though... She is looking for support not for a solution or for an answer to make everything better.
     
  5. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Urge her to seek therapy if she has not already done so.
     

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