SRS Clingy, Like a mofo

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by KiddX, Feb 27, 2008.

  1. KiddX

    KiddX Tigth as Piston In Ferrari Engine!

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    I started hanging out with a girl a week ago. we had met previously through a friend and i felt a connection with her, so i wanted to find out what that connection meant . She has a disability (her left hand isdisable except for 1 finger) and she has seizures every once in a while. i knew this before i asked her out but i believe that those arent reasons to loose interest in someone i think might be a great person. so we hang out and we get into bed but we cant do anything because she reveals that she also has an STD (hpv) which she apparently got cancer from. i also find out that she gets depressed and tells people she is suicidal. this girl carrying ALOT of baggage from her family as well.
    I still feel like there is some reason i felt i should get to know her, and i still want to despite all these things i know. i have told her a dozen times that i DO NOT want a relationship, i just want to take her on a few dates and get to know her. However, not surprisingly after one week she is calling me babe and holding my hand wherever we go, telling me she would move away with me (i am moving in 3 months to seattle) and all this. Normally i would have cut her off immediately but i am extremely scared that she might kill herself or hurt herself in some way if i do. now i feel like i am with her because i am obligated to be, even though i have an honest desire to get to know this girl. . i feel like every guy she has been with has burned her bad and i dont want to be just another one of those, im a good person who treats women right.

    Having typed all this out and read it over, i think i know what i have to do but i would deeply appreciate some feedback on just how to do it, experienced people please help
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    YIKES. That's the first word that comes to mind...

    This right here is why you casually date people before you ask them to be in a monogamous relationship with you. Not that it matters really though, you've been dating for a nanosecond and you're not feeling her. I know you are afraid you breaking things off completely will make her kill herself...but honestly, don't give yourself that much credit.

    You can do two things:
    *Slowly cut her out of your life. Don't call her. If she calls you don't answer as often. Say you are busy and hope she will eventually get the point.
    *Contact her and say you've told her before that you don't want a relationship of any kind and you are sorry if she thinks you have lead her on...but you no longer want to date anymore. You can even blame it on the easy fact that you are moving away and are going to go through too many changes, etc.

    2nd choice is the obvious good choice.
     
  3. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    uhh id just slowly back away from this one. if you ever have sex, eventually you will contract hpv as well.
     
  4. somethingstrang

    somethingstrang Active Member

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    I have a friend who's exactly like her (and gladly she's not clingy to me). I think the best choice, for her, would make it so that she breaks up with you. From past experience, anything that you do that will slightly hurt her, will be amplified. She'll be depressed and create reasons to be more depressed. This is a really hard situation to break from, but for your sake, you need to break it fast before you get too involved.
     
  5. Redbeard

    Redbeard OT Supporter

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    You both are going to cause this relationship to fail, get out now. Her for getting in bed and THEN explaining that she has an STD which then allows her to get upset and not deal with her issue. You for telling her you wanted to "just date", that gives her the idea you will get closer. I understand you are worried about suicide but you need to get her some therapy.
     
  6. KiddX

    KiddX Tigth as Piston In Ferrari Engine!

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    I spoke to her a bit tonight and she told me some more things about her life that scare me alot. she informed me that she likes to "cut" when she is suicidal. any attraction i had to this girl is now gone because she is a big bag of issues and i know my life will be nothing but drama and agony if i continue to see her. i am going to tell her tomorrow that i do not want to see her anymore. she is going to hate my guts but i would rather her hate me than have to go though seeing this girl hurt herself.
     
  7. dano

    dano OT Supporter

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    If you met through a friend, I'd have that friend be present as well. If you're still cool with him. She's going to need a place to turn to that isn't a pill bottle.

    Good luck man. :hs:
     
  8. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Umm, no. OP, please don't listen to this. No one actually benefits when you are so pathetic you wait til the other person wants to break up with you. This girl at 2 weeks is already ridiculously clingy. Do you honoestly think in a week she's going to just stand up for herself and say "we're over, you don't pay attentiion to me!" No. Her not getting attention is only going to make her go nuts and start becoming more clingy.

    Be straight up with her and cut it off now before it gets worse.
     
  9. KiddX

    KiddX Tigth as Piston In Ferrari Engine!

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    I just hate that, from her perspective, i am going to be just another asshole.
     
  10. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Health conditions or disfigurement are "borderline" on my list of red flags. The reason they aren't red flags entirely is because the nature of the disability can either be tolerated or not tolerated. In this case, I would have tolerated the disability if I was attracted to the person. An example I would not tolerate was if the person had an addiction to drugs or alcohol.

    HPV, a common STD that a lot of people have. It's something I certainly wouldn't want to catch obviously, but I wouldn't end a relationship over it if I really was attracted to the girl. The reason being, I may consider abstinence until I was certain I wanted to marry her and that she was absolutely a dead certain lifelong relationship. So I would not have sex with her until marriage, and I wouldn't get married unless I was absolutely 100% certain I would stay with her. Obviously being certain doesn't guarantee it will be lifelong, so that's a risk I'd have to consider.

    However, this would be rare or unlikely. Chances are I would red-flag this condition.


    Psychiatric problems are on my red-flag list. I would befriend a person like this, but I would not get involved romantically.

    I would be exceedingly careful. Birds of a feather flock together. You might end up struggling with problems yourself, if you don't already.

    Danger. Time to detach and tell her you don't like that.

    You can't be responsible for someone elses behavior by pitying them. You must understand that it's not your fault what she does with her life. If she would kill herself over this, she's going to kill herself anyway.

    Then treat her right by showing respect and telling her you aren't interested. Be direct, and don't sugar coat it. My rule states: If you aren't interested for any reason, don't debate it, don't empathize, don't pity her, simply end it.

    Simple:

    You: *Calling her on phone*
    Her: Hello?
    You: We need to talk.
    Her: What's wrong?
    You: I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship with you, I told you about this recently.
    Her: What, why?
    You: For the reasons we discussed. I'm not interested in doing that. I just wanted to be clear and to let you know.
    Her: *Complains, whines, begs, asks questions*
    You: I have to get going, we'll talk soon.
     
  11. KiddX

    KiddX Tigth as Piston In Ferrari Engine!

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    i did this, but in person. i told her there is no potential for a relationship at all for various reasons. she still wwants to see me and sys she will "deal with it". i think she is still hoping something happens and i fall for her. apparently i am the only guy that has ever wanted to be with her, which explains the clingyness. tomorrow i am going to tell her that we cant see eachother at all. i know that a friendship cant happen if one or both people are interested in more, so i dont plan on trying to be her friend either.
     
  12. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Very good job. Excellent.
     
  13. KiddX

    KiddX Tigth as Piston In Ferrari Engine!

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    Growing up sucks :hs:
     
  14. KiddX

    KiddX Tigth as Piston In Ferrari Engine!

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    Well, i am officially idiot of the year. I was conversing with a friend through text while at work. I went to send a text saying "i am going to tell this girl that i cant see her anymore, i feel like an asshole". And who did i send it to by accident!? YUP! The girl in question. I got no reply and send an immediate "im sorry that wasnt meant for you, ill explain later". No reply from either. I called her and got voice mail, and i just said what i felt. I didnt want this to happen over text or on the phone, but i have a feeling i would have tried to find a way to stay in it for a while longer if i hadn't accidentally done this. a huge fuck up on my part, but it is probably for the better. Regardless, i feel like the biggest asshole in the history of mankind right now :hs: i dont like hurting people.
     
  15. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :rofl: Blessing in disguise. If she does call just explain yourself one last time and don't answer her calls again. Get over the "I don't want her to think I'm another asshole." You'll hopefully casually date from this point on and learn how to tell women of your future what you are looking for in a relationship. She got into most of her "baggage" on her own.
     
  16. KiddX

    KiddX Tigth as Piston In Ferrari Engine!

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    I think it was my subconscious doing it because it knows how much i hate to hurt anyone. I called her shortly after and we spoke. I told her that she scared me with the cutting thing, and she said "but i have not cut since 9th grade" i asked her why she would even tell me that, "i wanted you to understand" was the reply. i told her that i feel like i am being guilted into being with her and that any attraction i had for her was now gone and to continue with her would be out of a feeling of obligation. i told her we could not be friends because i know she would want a relationship. "go to hell *click*".

    then a series of texts consisting of her threatening me by telling a mutual friend that i talk trash behind their back *blahblahhighschoolshitblah* . i maintained the entire time that i think very highly of her and that if she feels she has to do these things because she is hurt, i understand. the thing that made me feel really terrible is that she has never opened up to anyone like she opened up to me, and because of the things i learned about her, i had to cut it off. i understand that this is for the greater good, but i still feel absolutely terrible.

    Edit: and she threatened to sue me for slander if i told anyone the personal things she told me :rofl:
     
  17. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    God is just making sure you keep your word. :rofl:

    The truth only hurts those who don't want it.
     
  18. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    She told you because there is still a connection between then and now. She most likely is just as sick now as she was then, and probably never got help. Even if she denies cutting, or perhaps doesn't cut anymore, the damage is still there waiting to erupt.

    You followed an important rule that I myself follow. Here it is:
    • -- Be self disciplined. Follow these rules you'll have mad women to mate with, but always show respect from the beginning to the end of a relationship, even if the woman is being a fool.
    You also followed another rule of mine without even knowing it:

    • A man of character will be brutally honest (while still being respectful) with everyone(including himself) and is not afraid to put someone in their place when they are out of line; isn't afraid to speak his mind.
    You did the right thing. Here is one of my rules:

    -- Take big risks. Expect results you don't like at times. Anxiety and pain are apart of meeting the right person. Expect those you reject to call you names sometimes, or to get angry. If you were polite, then simply walk away with cold detachment.

    Do not respond to her. Trust me on this. And apparently I was right, she erupted.

    You did nothing wrong. What she's doing is exactly why breaking up with her was correct. I dated a girl from Off-topic, here, this website, and she responded the same way when I broke up. I didn't debate it, argue, I didn't yell, and I sure didn't stay on the phone or in her vicinity, I simply walked away, and I didn't feel even a hint of guilt, anger or pain. Do you know why? Because I followed my rules.

    She's not mentally fit to be in a relationship romantically with anyone.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2008
  19. althepirate

    althepirate Talk nerdy to me.

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    Wow...seriously was a blessing in disguise. You need to cut off all communication and tell whatever mutual friend she's talking to that it's over, you don't want to talk to her or about her anymore.
     
  20. KiddX

    KiddX Tigth as Piston In Ferrari Engine!

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    the mutual friend wants to be with me and i told her off about it, im fairly certain that they both hate me, but it is better that way. Hell, the mutual friend, who i will refer to as "crazy bitch" is someone i have no desire to even speak to. She came to my house drunk as fuck, i made her sleep in my bed while i watched tv in the living room, she was in no condition to drive. She pisses my bed, and all over my clean laundry as she casually walks to the bathroom, PISSING the whole way.

    Fuck. That. Shit.

    Small update, girl #1 has been calling me for the last half hour and i have been ignoring her, however i am apparently her only ride to her Neurologist and it is a rather important visit from what she told me yesterday. I told her that i would drive her but then all this shit happened :hs:. It is going to be uncomfortable to say the least but I am going to take her. I'll just blast the White Stripes or something.
     
  21. althepirate

    althepirate Talk nerdy to me.

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    That's disgusting.



    This is only going to cause more drama and she gets to hound you the entire way. Not a good idea. There has to be someone else.
     
  22. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Birds of a feather. As I always say.

    Typical.

    Better not, probably get and STD.

    Negative chief, negative. Abort, abort, abort. Let her find her own ride. She can take a Taxi. It's the price she pays for behaving poorly.
     
  23. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Fine. If you take her tomorrow don't talk to her OR the "friend" again. Get them out of your life.
     
  24. KiddX

    KiddX Tigth as Piston In Ferrari Engine!

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    Roger that. I appreciate all the advice in this thread. I feel like a jerk, but I'm Proud of myself for sticking to my guns on this one. I know it was the right thing to do. Although i think my car may be in danger of getting fucked with :rofl:
     
  25. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Don't feel bad. Imagine if you never heard abohut all her issues...she'd still be clingy and that would turn you off, not to mention you two just might not have clicked on that level and it would've ended anyhow.
     

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