SRS Cheating? SO ranting

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Cherry Red, Oct 15, 2006.

  1. Cherry Red

    Cherry Red OT Supporter

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    My husband and I have been having really hard times, we have been married a year Oct 3rd.
    We moved to my home town in may and things got a little worse then before, he ended up moving back to his home town to live with his parents and get out of debt so we could go back out west.
    Since hes been gone he has started acting really weird, he has started smoking pot again, staying out late and not calling when he said he would, calling me names and being hurtful.
    The reason i guess i don't like him smoking dope is cuz he took a $5000 loan before we were married witch is part of the reason we are in debt.
    Anyways he started acting weird like saying im cheating or fucking around whenever im out with ANYONE at all including family, everytime I do good and get happy with my progress with school he tells me to give it up move away or that i'm forgetting him. He says he wants me to move out there so bad and forget school he will support me and he knows i want my school to better myself but he tells me i can't have him and school or that he won't be married to someone that wants to take a student loan.
    He gets in these moods now where he tells me about all the doctors counsellor appointments and pills he is on and that he knows something is wrong with him thats why he acts this way but I tell him I don't buy it and it's not a good enough excuse to be doing what he's doing. I have tried everything to fix this and somedays its good and then others its bad.
    Last night for example he went to the bar with his friends and "ran into" a old friend (a girl) and says she is nothing more then a friend but then he texts her all night while were on the phone together so i get to hear the beep beep from the buttons in my ear then he denies texting and says i was just cleaning out my phone. Thing is we have the same phone i know all the sounds and the beeps when the message is sent. He also calls her first thing when he wakes up. I have been getting odd phone calls from a number and when i did some looking into it i found out it is the same number calling me as he is calling. He denies it tho and says it was me he was texting but i never got any messages, then he says he is 25 i am 23 he doesn't need to explain anything to me at all then later admited it is a girl from his old school and he only sent her one text to let her know he was leaving the bar.
    I just find it odd how he started telling me he loves me so much blah blah then goes out with his friends to the bar then comes home and tells me he hates me. He thinks there is nothing wrong with this and when I try to talk to him about it he gets in rages.
    Oh ya and another thing I have been out there twice on his request both times he has been reall honest and open about his feelings but as soon as I leave he tells me I wouldn't have left if I really loved him but I was the one trying to stay and he told me it wasn't the right time.
    Am I going mental? Is he being wrong? I don't know what to think anymore.
    He asks me why I love him so much and why I'm trying to make it right and when I think about it I think its just cuz I love him so much and a marriage is more then giving up when times get hard.
    Sorry for the crappy grammer and spelling its just some ranting read it if u want...
     
  2. Dodger Blue

    Dodger Blue OT Supporter

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    How old are you both 23 and 25? You're not wrong at all. I don't think any person married should be communicating with somebody that much if they are married. To me it seems that he misses being single. I'm sure this i can happen a lot when people get married at a young age. Even though 23 and 25 is not as young as people getting married at 18 and 19, it is still young in todays world.

    To be honest with you, I think the minute you two started living in seperate homes was the begining of all the problems. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I really dont see the point in getting married if you're not going to be living together with that person for the rest of your life. That to me is the problem right there. It's almost as if you two are single again if he is still going to go bars and hang out with the guys when he doesn't even come home to you.

    He definately needs to seek help if he is going to treat you that way. You're still young in your early 20's I'm assuming so I would definately think hard about what you want in life. Don't let this drag on for years because before you know it you'll be 35 and missed all of your 20's because of him. I'm not saying get divorced, but if you don't have any kids and he is acting like this and things are just going south. Do something while you're still young. You are still young enough to focus on school, meet plenty of new people and start a career before you're 30. If you do have any kids, please keep trying to work things out to an extent because your kids will be the ones to suffer.
     
  3. pigeon

    pigeon wasabi

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    i'll be totally honest, i'm not cool with what you're saying about how he treats you. the fact that he's attempting to control your life by telling you who to spend time with, or what to do with your time, or can't celebrate your success.... all that ish? that's abuse. it's completely effed up. i'm sorry to say this, but if i were you, i'd just get out of this relationship, married or not. you don't need someone treating you like this. i am sorry this is going on, and i hope you are able to find someone who treats you better than this - you are worth so much more.
     
  4. Cherry Red

    Cherry Red OT Supporter

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    I just can't figure out what i am doing or did that is so wrong.
    I just can't give up or walk away and I try but it doesn't feel right at all.
    How can you walk away from someone you love so much? It is way to hard to forget the good the memories or to turn off these feelings.
    I have never been one to depend on another not even for emotional support and he changed that, he took my whole life what I though was great and made me see there is more. And now he does this and I don't know how to fix it at all. I try to hate him or let go I tell myself its emotional blackmail or emotional abuse but in the end it doesn't matter cuz all of the good comes back and I remember what it was like to be in his arms and hold him or be touched by him and all the bad goes away till his next rage. All I want is for this negative to go away I love him so much and want the best for him in all ways.
    Maybe I am wrong and maybe He is right maybe I am crazy for wanting the truth out of him about cheating and maybe I am controlling about him not wasting all his money on pot but I just don't see how me trying to stop that stuff is so bad.
     
  5. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Honestly, what does he have to offer you right now? He sounds irresponsible and controlling. You're not even living with him (if I'm reading right). Why do you stay? Why do you cling to the hope that you can change him (guess what-you can't)? Your relationship sounds almost abusive. Please seek help.
     
  6. Cherry Red

    Cherry Red OT Supporter

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    Well he said he was getting his own place so I could move there he knew I didn't want to moe there cuz of the drugs and he says there is no work or anything out there.
    I don't know why I stay, I guess maybe cuz I love him and its a marriage and I don't know I just can't walk away from that.
    It's just hard for me to belive that he is all those bad things when I remember all the good when I still feel this way about him and us and when he tells me he loves me.
    Its so hard to belive its all fake.
     
  7. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    They say 'you can't live from love'. This is true also for relationships. Although love between two people is essensial to get started and to stay with eachother, what is needed in life is STRUCTURE. A logical structure to be precise that keeps things together. If you see how chaotical your life has been, and his life has been and the chaos , then you should finally realise that you need to put order into chaos. You see a good household needs to have everything organized in order to function. I basically think you are in a disfunctional relationship. He's bringing in a lot of destructive disorder and your contributing by staying with him. To be honest he needs to change his life, and you need to have a guy who you can build on.

    Ask yourself the question, can i build a future with a person who destroys his own life, who drags the relationship into debt and uses that money on drugs?

    When you answer your those questions you will realise that your relationship must not only be consistant out of love, but also has to have a substantial base as fundament to stand on.
     
  8. Cherry Red

    Cherry Red OT Supporter

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    I just got off the phone with him.
    After being called a nigger (i am half black but very light skinned) and him saying thats how black people act, I feel like I am back to the point where I am going to walk away and leave it all alone.
    I have been to this point so many times with him, like i said tho all "those feelings" come back after a few housr or days and it makes me miss him so much more and want it all back it's like I forget about the bad.
    He says to me that he is a master manipulator and I am the one that ruined our relationship, he says that he can make me love him or hate him or he can make me think he is cheating when he is not or he can make me belive anything. It's sick to me but at the same time I still wonder where I went wrong I moved 2 provinces away to make our marriage work I gave up everything possible my family my friends my life.
    Why do I still have this feeling of regret like I will never know what could have been or maybe I didn't do something right and thats why it turned out this way. I have no one to talk to about this and my counselor says I should have moved there to get us the help we needed she told me that I shouldn't give up my school or anthing but I should compromise or try to with him, none of that makes sense to me tho.
     
  9. Cherry Red

    Cherry Red OT Supporter

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    I know I am in a bad relationship the problem is I don't know how to get out of it. He is in counselling and so am I, I am told so many different things from my counselor that it doesn't make sens to me.
    How the hell do I stay out of it, how do I pick up the pieces that are scattered now, he took me down from being confident and feeling like I was worth something and that i'm good enough to find someone who will respect me and treat me the way I should be.
    I don'tknow how to stay out if it and to move on when I feel like there is so much left to do or try to do. Is this right? Am I totally messed up for thinking this way or feeling this way?
    I just don't know anything anymore, he has drove me to the point where i have cut myself and tried to hurt myslef and then all the things he said keep running through my head that I am a nigger and worthless and belong in the street.
     
  10. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    :hug: I'm all for keeping a marriage together, but it has to be a healthy one (or at least repairable).

    How are you benefitting from this marriage? It sounds like he brings you nothing but heartache and turmoil. I'm concerned that you are so eager and willing to stay in this abusive relationship. Value yourself first.
     
  11. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    You are not worthless and you don't belong in the street (I won't even touch the n-word it is so disrespectful). Forget about your counselor, forget about everyone else for once.

    Focus on yourself. Value yourself and take care of yourself first.
     
  12. Cherry Red

    Cherry Red OT Supporter

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    I see all of that, I know I am not worthless but it is so hard sometimes to not feel worthless.
    I know he says these things out of anger and they are not true but it stings it really cuts deep when it comes from someone you love so much.
    I have my ups and downs, up when i feel good about myself and nothing he has said to me bothers me because I know I am going to make it. Downs when all the things he said comes back and bothers me to the point I can't sleep or eat or function I feel so worthless I rather be dead but I don't do anything about it because i know he would think i'm a coward if I did.
     
  13. SpectraRedZ

    SpectraRedZ New Member

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    Wasn't there a thread here where you were in as the cheated on girlfriend of someone else on here?

    Anyway, you need to pick yourself up and get out of this relationship. No one deserves to be treated the way you are getting treated.
     
  14. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    You need the simple understanding that you need to push negative people/things/events out of your life, and pull positive people/things/events into your life.

    Being able to say. "STOP, to here and no further' being able to say NO and draw a line is vital. That way you act like a gateway of a castle putting good people in, and pushing bad people out. This guy needs to go OUT of your life, and its important that he gets professional help, which is a type of help you are unable to give and as such should not feel guilty that your not able to provide such help. You see a person has to be in a mental stable condition to be of any value in a relationship. Sometimes the other half can take up but its a heavy burden, and since both of you are in need of reconstructing your lives, its not a good time to be together, or get back together.

    What you have to do is to file for a divorce and continue your councelling sessions, as the cutting problems you have are caused by the emotionally abuse that you received. If someone constantly says oh your a loser, your a nigger you belong to the streets you can't achieve anything,now if it was from a common person then you might be able to brush it away, but for loved ones it hits extra hard because you are emotionally open and thus exposing yourself to him and to the things he says. Hon, you can achieve ANYTHING you want in life. Start small, start cooking a meal, if that works out well you can say, hey i achieved this. Then you start doing something creative, make a painting , if its finished you can say. I achieved this, now at one moment you say to yourself that YES i CAN achieve this, you where WRONG i can do this, i am an AmeriCAN instead of an American't like he claimed. You CAN do it, at least remember that I will always believe in you.
     
  15. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    He's accusing you of cheating because he's cheating (or seriously thinking about it).

    Expect that if you stay apart he will sleep with another woman. If you want him, get together with him no matter what the cost. Is $5,000 debt worth your marriage?
     
  16. Cherry Red

    Cherry Red OT Supporter

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    Thank you to all of you guys it has been much helpful.
    I love him so much and I do want to be with him but I just can't bring myself to being treated like a dog anymore, I have to stop it I know but its going to be so tough and i'm not sure how to get through it.
     
  17. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    You get through it by focusing on the prize: your freedom and self-respect. Think of it this way: the longer you put things off, the longer it'll be until you find someone worthy of having you as a partner. It also helps to make a list of specific actions of his which you cannot condone, such as putting up with racial slurs, being "talked down" to, etc. The last thing you want to do is go back to an abuser. Go see a counsellor, too.
     
  18. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to walk away. But in this situation it seems the only way to ever have a chance at being happy. He sounds unstable, manipulative and just an asshole.

    From what you've written you have done absolutely nothing wrong and he's just treating you like shit. No one should have to take that kind of crap. I can't believe people stay in marriages like this, or get into relationships like this in the first place (though I'm assuming he hid this side of himself from you until you were married?).

    You don't need an ass like that trying to fuck with your head, control your life and guilt trip you whenever he feels like getting a rise.

    You need to get out of this relationship and get on with school and life. Your good friends will be (or should be) a great support net at this point of time if you should ever need the strength. Start the divorce thing and I bet you'll see him come crawling back acting all sweet (or however he did before you got married) but you have to stay strong. If you stay strong I'll bet he'll get all angry and abusive again, which is really showing his true colours so don't regret the decision. It is the right one!

    Oh and never, EVER think that you are worthless. It would seem he is the "worthless" one in this instance, you are actually trying to improve yourself and get out of a tough situation.

    Good luck :)
     
  19. JS1

    JS1 sup

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    The guy sounds like a total loser. You've been married only a year? It will be much easier to dump him now.
     
  20. Cherry Red

    Cherry Red OT Supporter

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    He has already started to come crawling back, he keeps calling and text messaging me. Last night he was yelling and screaming on the phone and calling me down, he called back a few hours later to say sorry and he wants me back. I told him I gave him plenty of chances and after all his broken promises tearing me down and name calling this time I am done. He told me I was making a huge mistake I shoudl think about it I told him its final and it needs to happen, he hung up on me then text messaged me telling me he burned all the letter and things I gave to him sent me a picture of it and then asked me for nude pictures so he could get off and go to bed. WTF!?
    So far it has only been one day and I think I am doing good, anytime I get the urge to call him or text him I busy myself with my school work or something else to keep my mind off of it. So far so good I think.
     
  21. Kytro

    Kytro I am become death, shatterer of worlds

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    Typical control freak reaction. Basically the sort of person that has blame others for all the problems they have and attempt to mainpulate them to make themselves feel better.

    The wild swings of behaviour indicate desperation and frustration at loosing control.

    This is opposed to people who blame themselves for everything and deal with problems this way.
     
  22. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    Heh I knew this would happen, he is still trying to manipulate you :rofl: It's good that you now see him for who he really is, he won't like that one bit!

    Stay strong!
     
  23. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

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    PLEASE DO. This person is ridiculous, insecure, addicted, manipulative, ignorant.....and so on...
    Those were also my thoughts as I read your 1st post. This kind of behavior is VERY common in a person who is being unfaithful.
    ...and I would think/say what I just said, whether it was a woman or a man behaving that way. It's just very common for people to try and disract you from noticing their wrongdoings by pointing out yours, even if they are completely imaginary. But, as it's been said, when you point your finger someone, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you.
     
  24. Cherry Red

    Cherry Red OT Supporter

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    :o After he started accusing me of cheating I started accusing him of it, he says that the reason he started not talking to me much and ignoring my text messages was because of that.
    It became like my daily conversation with him he would tell me he is at his friends house I didn have the number there I could have called but didn't because i'm not going to bother him at his friends and I would expect the same, but when I sent him a text or called his cell number he would ignore it and say he was busy. That sent me off and made me suspicious because he never acted that way before.
    Anyways I told him I refuse to let him bring me down anymore and if he wants me then he can be prepared to change stop all the crap I told him to email me when he has his life on track but until then I don't want a word with him. I put my foot down sometimes it feels great and other times I feel so doubtful. It's not like I want him back right away or at all I told him I was thinking maybe something on a friedship level with him when things are different.
     
  25. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    I'm all for keeping a marriage together and working things out as well, but I think this right here would be the straw that breaks the camel's back if I were in your shoes. Saying little hateful stupid things is one thing, but getting racist/abusive takes it on another level.

    It sounds like while you're trying to better yourself he's just sitting around doling out orders. Plus if he's the reason you're in debt and can potentially get you into more, perhaps it's time to cut ties with him, pay off what you can to get out of this mess and move on without him. It sounds like he has A LOT of growing up to do and he's choosing not to do it right now.
     

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