SRS Cheated- Do you think it's possible to be forgiven?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Peanut3, Aug 5, 2005.

  1. Peanut3

    Peanut3 OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2005
    Messages:
    17,851
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arlington, VA
    Long story short- Been with boyfriend for almost 2 years. Was seriously in love with him before we were even dating, so when we got together it was like my dream... I honestly don't think he was that into me at first but after a few months he seriously opened up and told me he loved me... So la la la here we are in love... but I am in college 2 1/2 hours away from him. He owns his own business, so it's not like he can just come visit me whenever. He was kind of overprotective about not wanting me to go out to huge parties at college, which I understood because I didn't want him to do that either (with random girls i don't know)... But then I hit this wall where I just wanted to go out and party and be like everyone else. Low and behold, one night i got way too drunk and ended up sleeping with one of my male friends. The next day I cried my eyes out, didn't go to class, basically fell into deep depression. I decided it was best not to tell him because I knew it was a big mistake and would never happen again, and I didn't want to hurt him. Our relationship got shitty cuz he thought with all my "going out" and shit, that I cheated on him (and he was right). I didn't want to sleep with him cuz I felt disgusting and dirty, and I started being a real bitch cuz my guilt was eating at me... Finally, almost 2 months after I cheated, my roommate from school (who lives here and had a crush on the guy i slept with @ school) tells all her friends what I did, including my boyfriend's ex who hates me and I think still wants him. So boyfriend flips out, says wants nothing to do with me, starts being friends with ex again (which KILLS cause shes a malicious BITCH) will not take my calls, says he hates me, etc etc. I denied it for like a night but then fessed up to everything that happened (honesty-1 point?) Finally begins to say that maybe there's a chance of him forgiving me, and to give him space. I'll go a few days of giving space, then get completely insane and depressed and call and leave him these crying messages. Saw his car @ his ex's the other night and went up to the door... WTF im psycho! He says they're friends but that he couldnt tell me that cuz i would kill myself. We ended up talking for like 2 1/2 hours. He says he really wishes that we could be together again, and that I'm a dummy for doing what I did, and that he never expected it from me. He wishes it could work but he says he couldn't imagine ever sleeping with me again cuz the image of me with someone else is stuck in his head. He found out about a month and a half ago, and I have punished myself greatly since. I have stayed in to prove to him that I'm being good, I don't drink barely at all because he thinks my drinking contributed to this (which it did), I let him know every single day how much I love him and how sorry I am for hurting him. I REALLY TRULY AM. I cry everyday and don't get to sleep till after 3am almost every night... I can't live like this. I am hanging on to this thread of hope that we will be together again... he says he doesn't know what the future holds. Could this mean there's a chance!?? Sorry so long... but please don't flame and if you think there's a chance, please tell me, I need serious mental help :wtc:

    CLIFFS: cheated, extremely sorry and depressed, do u think bf will give me another chance? (please say yes :(:(:()
     
  2. zysus

    zysus New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2004
    Messages:
    175
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    It snows here...
    Step 1: Stop drinking so much. If you can't control yourself without the booze, how will you control yourself with it?

    Step 2: Try being friends. Maybe something will happen. Maybe it won't... you broke his trust big time. Then again he was being overprotective. You need to meet in the middle. You need to not get so drunk you sleep around. He needs to trust that you will control yourself. (That's crazy hard.)

    Just fyi: If my gf cheated on me she'd be gone in a tick. Like without thinking. I told her that up front. I'd rather be love sick and single than deal with not trusting her, but that's just me. Hopefully for you, your boyfriend is more foregiving. It's not about forgetting, cause he won't. It's about trust. You need to rebuild that. It's a slow process.
     
  3. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    SO after reading this, I am left to wonder...why exactly do you want to be with this guy? Are you so sure you should?

    College days only come once in your life. Nothing wrong with being in a happy relationship while you're in college, but being in a empty long distance relationship isn't a particularly fulfilling way to spend your college years.

    This is basically why you "let" yourself get drunk, why you couldn't resist the urge to go out and party and have fun. It's what people do in their 20's.
    And if they don't...if they clamp down and lead a puritan lifestyle and get married and play the good little wife...watch out, because those missed days are usually recaptured.

    Right around the time you turn 30, and feel like you've gotta do SOMETHING or else miss out on your youth, and for good this time. Along comes the office romance, or the excessive partying, the late nights, the avoided phone calls, blah blah.

    I'm not saying your actions were ok. Actually they were deplorable. But completely understandable, and oh so common, it's like everyone's reading off the same script. It's so common, it's depressing...

    Anyways, so....is there a chance he'll take you back? Sure. But he shouldn't.
    And...WHY do you want to go back anyways?

    Be honest. Why do you really want to go back? Set HIM aside for a second.
    How do YOU want to live your life? What is the lifestyle you want to lead?
    Who runs your life?

    Now tell me you really want to go back to a long-distance relationship.
     
  4. Peanut3

    Peanut3 OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2005
    Messages:
    17,851
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arlington, VA
    well the thing is it wont be long distance again.... I transferred to a school thats closer by and I will be commuting (so living @ home)... even after I do get on campus housing, I will still be mad close to home and it would work, I know it would. I thought I could deal with being single or even just not being with HIM, but I've had a lot (and I mean A LOT) of time to think, and I really do miss him... I now got that slap in the face that makes me realize what I had... and i want that. And not only was he my boyfriend, but my best friend in the world. And the hard part is, we have mutual friends, so it's like, my whole circle of friends are people he hangs out with, and I don't want to screw up his life, so I don't really hang out anymore. I basically feel like I lost my entire life. I Just know people have been cheated on and tried for a second chance. He's not SO forgiving, but I think his pride is what's standing in the way, as well as some of his jackass friends who aren't really helping the situation. I don't know what to do:( I feel like I seriously want to die... this is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and the worst part is that I brought it on myself. :(
     
  5. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2002
    Messages:
    59,955
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Go Dodger Blue!
    If he wants to be with you, he needs to let go of his pride.
     
  6. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Messages:
    50,618
    Likes Received:
    179
    Location:
    Dingoland
    You didn't tell him, then when he found out you lied about it.

    Why should he give you a second chance?
     
  7. Peanut3

    Peanut3 OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2005
    Messages:
    17,851
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arlington, VA
    i didnt tell him cause i didnt want to hurt him and i KNEW I wasn't going to do it again.......... I always thought honesty is the best policy but like, why hurt him? PLUS i knew this would happen and I'm not really that mentally stable, like, i'm borderline suicidal right now
     
  8. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Messages:
    50,618
    Likes Received:
    179
    Location:
    Dingoland
    You hurt the guy by cheating on him, not by telling him!

    Why do people always say what they don't know can't hurt them? Why not think of this before you cheat on them? If you loved him enough then there is no way you wouldn't have ever been drunk enough or desperate enough to cheat... ever!

    It is in his court now. You just concentrate on looking after yourself
     
  9. Peanut3

    Peanut3 OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2005
    Messages:
    17,851
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arlington, VA
    not to make excuses but I am sooooooo not the cheating type, I have been cheated on, I was with this guy for 2 years with not so much as FLIRTING with someone....... I don't even really remember what happened... it's no excuse, but I wasn't consciously thinking "Well I dont care about him so lemme cheat".... but I am disgusting and I deserve everything that is coming my way


    Thanks anyways I guess :(
     
  10. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Messages:
    50,618
    Likes Received:
    179
    Location:
    Dingoland
    No one is perfect. I have been cheated on and I have cheated myself. You need to look at why you cheated to find out what kind of hope your relationship has. Don't lie to yoursef or him about it either!
     
  11. chunkylover53

    chunkylover53 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2004
    Messages:
    2,351
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canadia
    You cheated, kept it from him for 2 months, then denied it when confronted with your lies ... and you want points for honesty?!! Stop pretending. You lied to protect yourself. If you hadn't been caught, you'd still be lying.
     
  12. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    Absolutely 100% correct.
     
  13. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2004
    Messages:
    25,647
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    dca -> nyc -> sfo -> san -> phl
    once a cheat, always a cheat.

    santa barbara :hsugh: with all due respect, I woulda broke up with you once you got the acceptance letter.
     
  14. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    In a perfect world everybody would be given a second chance...but this is not a perfect world and one realizes that old sins have long shadows and forgiveness does not come easy. You shouldn't of messed around drunk or not. But, we are all fragile individuals, we make mistakes and regret them. Unfortunately we cannot turn back the clock as much as we would like to. There will come a point after a while, when you are tired of waiting, hoping, analyzing, that you accept the fact that perhaps he is not going to come back or give you a second chance and slowly you start realizing it and comes to terms with it.
    Give him time and space and don't crowd him.
    Don't force the issue and don't deceive yourself with false hope.
    If you two were meant to be together it will happen.
     
  15. Beezure

    Beezure Go Lightning!! OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2003
    Messages:
    10,223
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tpa
    :werd:, just give it time


    dunno about this, you probably thought you KNEW you werent going to cheat on him the first time !!!,

    As someboday who has also been cheated on, All i can say is give him time, and hope that you can atleast get your friendship back, then go from there!!
     
  16. kaxfenix

    kaxfenix Guest

    I think at the very least, you need to start coming to terms with the fact that it is probably time to let go of the relationship. Believe me that is a very hard thing to do. Yes you did something wrong, yes you are sorry about it ( honestly I think more sorry for getting caught ), but the fact is its time to live YOUR life now. You will learn from this mistake, and I bet in the future you will be a wonderful lover to some one. But remember if you ever have thoughts of even considering cheating on a future S.O. remember the pain and the scaring you have caused here.

    You will be fine, let him go, I can assure you he probably has and is acting out torwards you tryng to show some type of control.

    This is unhealthy, it's time to move on peanut.
     
  17. Peanut3

    Peanut3 OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2005
    Messages:
    17,851
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arlington, VA
    :wtc: it's been almost 2 months since he found out, and I still feel just as shitty as day 1... i try to think of everything I should have done to prevent this. I think of how in love with him I was (AM) and have no idea what I was thinking when I did this... I swear I would not do it again.... I mean, i lost my entire life, and continue to lose friendships because people are tired of my moping. I cry all day long... i burst into tears randomly, even at work. I miss him so much... I Just know when everyone who is around here goes back to school, and it's jsut me and him around, that it would work. God please help me :(
     
  18. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2003
    Messages:
    15,474
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Socal
    go find a therapist to help you get through this. lets clear somethings up here.

    1. you didn't tell him to protect yourself....not him. you telling yourself "what he knows won't hurt him?" translates to "i'm going to make him look like a fool for being cheated on and not knowing it."

    2. he is completley justified in never taking you back, so you need to deal with this and move on or else your life will fall apart

    3. i for one, never believe in the "i was drunk" excuse. if you are drunk to a point where you make rational decisions then don't drink at all
     
  19. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    Well it does sound like you're really suffering. And that you're missing this guy.
    Just for a second though, try to set that aside.

    See I think what you're really missing in the safety and certainty and comfort of how things used to be.
    You'd like it to go back to that situation.

    I just think that it isn't necessarily THAT GUY that you want, but more the situation you had.
    And just why is it important to make this distinction?

    Because with all the cheating and lying and hurt that went on, it doesn't sound like this guy really wants you any more, so getting that particular guy back, may not be possible any more.

    It might be better to focus on the future instead of pining away for something that's gone.
    Remember that you hurting a lot, or wanting something REALLY BADLY doesn't make it happen.

    The fact that you feel really really bad over what happened....isn't going to make him love you again.
    Feel sorry for you? Yeah, probably. But love you? That's much less likely.

    If he does take you back...that's great. If not, then let this be a lesson learned.
    A very hard lesson to be sure, but those are actually the best kind.

    You found out something about yourself. You found out what you're capable of, even though you say you're "so NOT the cheating type".
    Use that to make yourself a better person. Use that to become more tolerant of imperfection in others.
     
  20. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2003
    Messages:
    15,474
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Socal
    I agree with everything. No one says they are the cheating type, but guess what - you are now. most self-respecing and confident guys probably won't trust you again or give you another chance. take it as a lesson learned and start moving on with your life.
     
  21. RotiEatter

    RotiEatter New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2004
    Messages:
    131
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ummm...like what? Not cheat on him?!?

    I can't blame him. I would do the same.
    Girls cheat, it's almost a fact of life now. Maybe he'll get back with you, maybe not. But you cheated on him and lied about it. You get no points for honesty. In fact, I would be even more upset that you lied about it for 2 months.
     
  22. slims

    slims New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2005
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    0
    My girlfriend didn't cheat on me, she just went crazy far with some random guys she knew on AIM. I found out, and let me tell you the relationship changed forever. She begged me back for days, and I took her back finally because she didn't actually act on anything. But It's never been the same, the time before that moment was the best part of our relationship, and always will be.
    I had huge trust problems with her, and now she's 200 miles away and the only way I deal with it is not thinking about her at all.

    You've got to get over him, he's not going to take you back. I'm so sorry.
    You've got to understand. He gave himself to you, entirely. He opened the doors that were barred shut for a very good reason. He was completely vulnerable, and you gave him a gut shot. johan was very smart in saying that you want the relationship like it once was. I can promise, whether he takes you back or not, it will not happen.
    I'm sorry.
     
  23. Peanut3

    Peanut3 OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2005
    Messages:
    17,851
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arlington, VA
    i'm going to go run my car into a tree. See ya
     
  24. Beezure

    Beezure Go Lightning!! OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2003
    Messages:
    10,223
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tpa
    :hug: Cheer up, it'l get better, i promise, go out meet new people, talk to more people online, do whatever , JUST DON"T SIT HOME AND DO NOTHING THOUGH, you must stay active, to keep your mind off of him !!

    go exersice or whatever, there are many fish in the sea, cmon, now its not worth fuckin up a poor tree :)
     
  25. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2003
    Messages:
    15,474
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Socal
    It's not the end of the world. Don't do anything dumb and just carry on with your life.
     

Share This Page