SRS Character Defects: Lust, Judgement

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by eligh, Jul 29, 2004.

  1. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    I'm currently working on my sixth step. I just wanted to see if anyone else deals with a few of the character defects that I do. I'm also wondering what I will be like if God removes these defects of character. What is the appropriate way to act in these situations? What is the normal, socially acceptable, moral way to act and think.

    Judgment – I often judge people before I ever get to know them. I pre-judge many people who have tattoos, body-piercings, Mohawks, look gothic or punk or biker-associated. I will usually pre-judge these people and it takes a while before I decide in my head that I see them as cool. I also judge anyone that looks like a frat-boy or a sorority girl, or real nerdy. People fall into categories easily in my head. Whenever I see a guy and a girl, I will usually find some way in which I feel superior to the guy, and think to myself he isn’t good enough to be with the girl.

    Acting Out: I act out on this defect just about every day as well. Every time I see someone that looks out of the ordinary for some particular reason, I judge. My mind judges quite frequently, and wonders why people do the strange things they do. A good example would be Bob, if I saw him on the street, I’d judge him very quickly, and I would think he is a skinhead. I would do this, even though it turns out he’s a really nice guy.

    Lust – I often just look at girls as sex objects all day, see if I can’t get a glimpse under a girl’s skirt who is sitting down. I check out girls that are teenagers too, even though I shouldn’t be doing so. I find it somehow hard to treat a girl just like a normal person or one of my buddies if she is really cute. High school girls are the worst, I don’t even like being around them oftentimes, because I’ll be so tempted to check them out, even though I know I’m not supposed to be doing so.

    Acting Out: I act out on this defect every day. I check girls out at school, at the rec center, at meetings, while driving, anywhere. I guess it’s not really appropriate to constantly stare, but sometimes it’s hard not to. The thoughts I have sometimes get out of control too, I would really like to cut down the amount of checking out I do of younger girls. If I could just do what I have to do, and ignore all the hot girls around me, I think things would go better for me.

    OT seems to have a slight obsession with jailbait, so maybe some of you can relate ;)

    Anyways, hopefully someone else a slight case of either of these defects so I don't feel like such a weirdo!
     
  2. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    I think the appropriate way to act is different in a lot of cases. Some of these may be apparent but if I can relate, I'll try. Be advised that a lot of these "defects" are god-given instincts run wild.
    Well, you can't categorize and neatly box people into little cubbyholes. You really have to think of each individual as what their title implies: an individual. That's the ultimate goal. Achieving that is much harder though. We are human and we need to judge people sometimes for our safety, for our sexual compatibility reasons, etc etc. Nonetheless, taking it too far is the issue. You don't know what the right amount of judgement is; god does. I can relate to this. I like thinking I'm smarter than everyone else. It sucks when i meet someone who's smarter AND better looking AND drives a nicer car AND blah blah blah blah. But you know what? It's ok. I don't need to rank anyone. We're really all fuckin equal spirits here despite laws, tradition, and everything else telling us otherwise. We may have different traits on the outside, different skills and abilities, different appearances, and different personalities, but it doesn't mean that deep down we're not all human beings like one another.

    mmm hmmm. that sounds about like how i am / was / try not to be


    You may not get overwhelming agreement on this, as its OT, but hey... its road to recovery. I feel that lust can overpower me if i'm not careful. It's not to say i've had so much experience, but when a girl comes into the picture, my mind shuts off all other external things and my sole focus becomes doing whatever i think it takes to hit it or make her my girlfriend or whatever. We're addicts / alcoholics too. We know how to manipulate normal people like play-doh. I don't really know what "normal" is for this. Sorry :wtc:


    i would say my mind is run by hormones more than it should. :rant2:

    you're not a weirdo. but... you're working to better yourself. glad to have you around the forum
     
  3. To help combat lust, it probably would take almost the same skill set as judgement. You need to understand that the girls you look at are individuals also, and have much more beyond them than what you can say. They have their own talents, hopes, dreams, desires, family, friends, peers, problems, and years of life beyond and ahead of them as you do. It's a battle between objectifying them as objects of lust and recognizing them as people.
     
  4. kitty

    kitty Uppity ass cat OT Supporter

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    I feel a bit silly writing this, but...I too battle judgement My way of dealing with it is to try to picture everyone as human souls. I see thier outside but then pretend they are just balls of light, Not good or bad. It has helped me.
    Good Luck!
     
  5. metoots13

    metoots13 New Member

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    interesting topic, sounds pretty normal to me, thinking is not acting though, so if you are just thinking or catch yourself before you act, I think you're working on the solution - and you will find females in meetings that will shut you right down, I know some that will. I personally won't allow males to talk to me in an inappropriate fashion if they want to be my friend or acquaintance in meetings. Of course that's just me. But it sounds like you're working on the solution.
     
  6. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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  7. metoots13

    metoots13 New Member

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    Depends on what they say - if they get graphic, like walking by and making sexual comments I tell them if its not appropriate. I have a lot of men friends and I think I deserve their respect, I don't walk by them etc. (well they would probably all like it (lol)). If they want to be a friend, then they don't get to talk to me like I'm some sleazebag. They can tease or joke around up to a certain point, and its my responsibility to tell them if I think they take it too far, because in my recovery I can't afford to be scared or resentful of people and my meetings have to be safe for me.
     
  8. kitty

    kitty Uppity ass cat OT Supporter

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    I don't want to get off the subject. I would however like to ask..How the HELL do you do it? I've tried several times to explain I DO NOT feel comfortable talking about sexual subjects to certain people at certain times. This does not mean I don't enjoy being sexually, I just don't want it forced on me! If the person doesn't respect my wish after I've asked..that's when I find it hard not slip back into old behavior. How do you aviod scratching thier eyes out or being a "bitch"? I just feel trapped.
     
  9. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    I don't know exactly what this is like but my suggestion would be that if you feel that you're not being respected outside of a meeting or something- just walk away. You don't need to be around people who are going to aggravate you.
     
  10. kitty

    kitty Uppity ass cat OT Supporter

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    Example-My roomie tells me he has wet dreams about me, even when I've asked him to stop. He's not the only male I've had to repeatly ask not to talk in such a way. I get confussed b/c I thought the idea of recovery(for me) was to learn how to set boundries and not over react. But am I then letting my comfort level over ride thier rights to express themselves? The over reacting is generally what gets me in trouble.
     
  11. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    what kind of roommate situation is this? can you switch?

    expressing oneself can be censored if its going to cause more harm than good, in my opinion... what's happening to you could classify as sexual harassment. what you're asking him to do does not violate any of his "rights".

    i'd switch rooms though if possible.
     

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