Changing Yourself

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by LongDongWong, Jan 12, 2006.

  1. LongDongWong

    LongDongWong U can call me Mr.Wong

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    I have been told by my Ex's and the one im currently dating that im "selfish".........how does one change that??? i dont want to be selfish but i do selfish things w/o knowing.....how do i stop......:hsugh:
     
  2. Solus Emsu

    Solus Emsu ****** U N R A T E D ! ****** -----THAT'S HOW I RO

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    How does one change that?

    1. Get another girlfriend.
    That is one way.

    2. You can just do whatever she says all the time for the rest of your life.
    That's another way.

    Truth be told:
    Just be considerate and willing to compromise to her opinions and wants and needs. You don't always have to cater to her, but consider yourselves together as one person. If it does not work for the both of you, then it does not work for you.
    That's the best way. Unless your girl and your ex are completely unreasonable, then refer back to number 1.
     
  3. LongDongWong

    LongDongWong U can call me Mr.Wong

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    not only been told by s/o's but also by a couple of female co-workers....but...:rolleyes: ........

    how do you be unselfish....? in general, not only while in relationships?
    thanxs
     
  4. Solus Emsu

    Solus Emsu ****** U N R A T E D ! ****** -----THAT'S HOW I RO

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    Try to be more considerate to what other people need or want.
    It is not something that is going to happen over night.
    It is going to have to take steps into compromising little things here and there.

    Next time someone wants something you don't, just try to go along with it.
    This should start you out.
     
  5. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Selfish? So what are you actually doing that is making them say this? Are you eating all the cookies off the plate or something? This makes no sense out of context.
     
  6. LongDongWong

    LongDongWong U can call me Mr.Wong

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    thats where im stumped as well.......i dont know exactly what i do.....except maybe not think of anyone else's feelings but my own...my needs and wants coming first???
     
  7. Ichabod Crane

    Ichabod Crane Active Member

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    Then you need to communicate with her in a sincere fashion and ask her what exactly you are doing. And try your hardest not to be condescending b/c based on her just spouting off like that, it already seems like you're on thin ice and she may flip out when you ask.
     
  8. Injected1

    Injected1 New Member

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    You gotta be careful with that.. That's one of those tricky things when it comes to females.. The whine and complain that you're too mean or to selfish and need to be nicer and do more for them, however if you notice, most of the guys that do that stuff get ran all over and treated like doormats... There's a happy medium that's not always the same with each girl.. Just don't try to be "too nice" or it may backfire and you will be a slave to her and she will be getting some from a "dominant male" on the side.. Personally I don't wanna be the loving security blanket for a chick to that is getting railed by the "dangerous guy" on the side to come back home to..
     
  9. LongDongWong

    LongDongWong U can call me Mr.Wong

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    im nice and maybe too nice at times....i do her bidding sometimes but on the other hand im mean but not to mean just not as nice as she would like me to be........dont want to be the nice guy while she gets it on the side.....:squint:
     
  10. Injected1

    Injected1 New Member

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    I wouldn't worry about it then.. Girls are weird, I'm not sure that THEY know what they want sometimes.. As long as you're nice enough to let her know you care about her and will be there for her, yet assertive enough to not let her think you are on earth to cater to her you should be just about where you need to be. I think they need that challenge and goal of TRYING to make you into the "perfect man"..However, if they ever achieve it to the point of their satisfaction, they no longer have a challenge and need a new one. It's kinda like the fact girls absolutely love guys that have made it into the deadly "friend zone" because they treat them like they love them to death and would give them the world. Yet, they wouldn't DREAM of dating him, because "he's my friend, it would be too weird." Classic case of nice guy getting shafted..
     
  11. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    things like when you both want to go out to eat --- let her decide. Let her decide what to watch on TV, what movie to see, and all that stuff.

    Don't start being a pushover and not being able to make decisions like a man, but let her have her choice on a lot of stuff.
     
  12. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    Ever asked her what exactly bothers her about your "self centeredness"? I am going to bet that if that many people aside from your current gf say you are selfish than chances are... you probably are a little too much. I'm assuming with the quanitity of people who say that... they probably aren't too out of line.

    How often do you compromise?
    Do you both usually stick to doing what you want to do? Seeing who you want to see? Watching what you want to watch. Eating where you want to eat... Do you have a "my way or the highway attitude?" Not necessarily that you will dump her but it usually tends to be the case where either those things happen or she's stuck doing things by herself?

    It's a two way street. She may just want you as involved in her life as she's willing to be in yours. Same with your friends. You need to consider what other people want to do or how other people feel about situations or whatever rather than it's not something you want/don't want and that's the end of it. Sometimes you have to learn to suck it up and do things you don't necessarily want to do.

    :dunno: Unless you ask her/them specifics, it's hard to explain what she/they mean by it or why it bothers them. Sounds like you need to dig a little deeper ;)
     
  13. skelm

    skelm New Member

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    The fact that you came on here and said you wanted to change for her makes me think you are a bit less selfish then she thinks...

    You shouldn't ever change yourself for anybody unless you want to do it for the rest of your life.

    Find someone who values you for you or sit down with your SO and ask her what she thinks makes you selfish.
     
  14. Solus Emsu

    Solus Emsu ****** U N R A T E D ! ****** -----THAT'S HOW I RO

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    You know. I would have to agree with this.

    There are a lot of women out there that try so hard to mold the guy they have into they guy they want or want to walk all over. Often times, they can be pushy and mean about it.

    See. There is a fine line between her trying to help you grow and mature as an adult in a relationship vs. her trying to mold you into her boytoy.
    Often times you can tell the difference in how she breaks it to you.
    If she is mad about how you are or gets onto you about it, more than likely she is just trying to mold you. In this case, she needs to do the growing up. If she sits you down and explains where you should be more considerate and more mature about something, then maybe she is trying to help you grow and learn. The question is, what are her motives with this and which side of the fine line is she on?
     
  15. skelm

    skelm New Member

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    Another good sign that she is trying to mold you is if she always seems to be bringing up one flaw or another, or if she just finds one thing and doesn't let you forget about it - bitches about it all the time and just generally makes you feel like crap...

    Yup, been there, had a relationship like that.. Not worth it, and actually felt releived once I got out of it...
     
  16. Solus Emsu

    Solus Emsu ****** U N R A T E D ! ****** -----THAT'S HOW I RO

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    :werd:
     
  17. Epiphany

    Epiphany 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot

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    Good call. :) I agree with both of you on these things. Especially the fact that you came here and are looking for growth with this. You recognize that more than one person has noticed this and you aren't afraid to work on your faults. That shows a lot. We all have them. Nothing wrong with that :)

    but I strongly agree with this part:
    There is a way to approach issues like this. Compromise is a very important thing... but so is the art of rational-mature discussion. You also have to have full willingness to follow through.

    While I agree that there can be some pretty irrational women out there who tend to attempt to be controlling... it's also not too far off the mark that males tend to be a little selfish and steer a relationship a bit one-sided and there is little to no give. I refuse to blame either sex for where it starts. It shouldn't matter if you have healthy communication. Both sides should be willing to give 100% and step up to that plate with nothing less.
     
  18. skelm

    skelm New Member

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    Glad my opinions were apreachiated.

    Relationships are all about comprimise.. If one party is doing all the comprimising then eventually the relationship is doomed... Completely agree with what Epiphany has to say there and think if you take everything that has been said in this thread in stride then you will be a lot better off.
     
  19. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    So long as you are respectful and polite to her, basically mature, and don't always snag the last soda out of the fridge, what's to complain about?

    Me, personally, I would go ask some of my GUY friends what they thought I could be doing. I find that when a woman pins something like that on me, it's not the real issue. Figuring out what the real issue is can be a haassle, though.

    Me? I dunno, there still doesn't seem to be anything to go on. I might try to make a joke of it and blow it off. Flirt with her, etc.

    For reference, when someone said "let her make decisions about dinner" I have to disagree on that *some* times. You should be able to pick a place you want to go to, and even if she disagrees she should compromise and come along. It's give and take, remember? She, too, must give and you must take. If you don't, it's your fault when she dumps you for being too weak, supplicating, etc.
     

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