cant get over her .....opinions? PLEASE im lost

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by barndawg, Oct 7, 2006.

  1. barndawg

    barndawg New Member

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    Well after 12yrs of marriage and one child and well she had been treated for depression for a few years now and things got really bad where i had though about suicide instead of dealing with the stress of fighting everyday and seeming like i couldnt please her.Well i had told her for years that things needed to change but i had leaned more to her changing than both of us. Well the time came where after numerous emotional breakdowns and bad thought i had enough and moved out . Well it came as a relief for a while and she finally decided that she needed help after i left and she was turning into her father a really mean and hateful man . well after seeing new doctors they found out that she had severe bipolar and OCD and put her on mood stabilizers and a large dosage of prozac and once it started to work she had actually turned back into the woman that i meet and had slowly started to try to talk about things in late june well on july 4th she had gone out with one of her old bf that was also in marriage problems and they slept together and started a relationship . She said she was so confused and wanted me and wanted him also but couldnt decide she loved me but not like she used to and to hold on and let her figure things out but in mid to late aug he moved in and she was supposed to check into a hospital because since he had been around her condition had turned worse and she wasnt happy anymore i didnt even know her . they were drinking constantly and she had gotten to the point that she could take care of my daughter (11 yrs old) so our daughter went to stay with her grandmother so i coudl financially get right and she could get mentally right . She never went into the hospital and he has completely moved in and he is married still also and i get a call from her that she is pregnant and even though i know it was stupid but i was still sleeping with her i just couldnt let go oh her i wanted to help her like he wasnt . he is a real deadbeat making 8.50 an hr and didnt pay any of his wifes bills and is a alkeholic and autistic . Well state law says that i cannot divorce her if she is pregnant until a paternity test is preformed and they want to wait til the child is 6mo old to make sure there are no complications so im stuck for 15 mo still married with her having an affair and pregnant by him and my daughter is still at her grandmothers but he is there . When she told me she was pregnant it crushed me because i want her back in my life but at the same time trying the dating thing isnt something that i have a comprehension of after 12yrs of marriage . but im wondering why do i still care and why it hurts so much she has moved on but why cant i ? I have changed my life and sought counceling and trying to improve myself the stress of all of this in one month made me loose 42# and go down 5 pants sizes and i am a type 2 diabetic also so my sugar has been from 120-500 depending on the stress level . And now every time she and him get into it she either calls me or comes by my apt i live like 15 min away and she has asked me if i have someone in my life and if im sleeping with anyone and i told her that i did and she got upset i told her does it matter if i am sleeping with anyone because she is why should it matter but i dotn knwo why to her it does she asked me if i kissed the other girl and i told her yes and she started crying and ran out of the apt . What the hell do i make of this whole situation and what the hell do i do ?
     
  2. Mista Rude

    Mista Rude OT Supporter

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    cliffs?
     
  3. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    cliffs
     
  4. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    We don't do cliffs here, folks.

    And you're leaving out TONS of details so I am pretty sure anything I have to say here will be way off base. Take what I say with a grain of salt and then come back and explain what we're missing, yeah? ;)

    Could you please yourself? This is a huge leap for you, I am sure, but did you ever tell her "No, you need to please me?" Did you ever take charge and be the father figure, the husband, and tell her how SHE needed to act?

    Women often want a leader, someone who is decisive, and someone who takes charge and tells her where to go, not a guy who tries to kiss up to her and do whatever she wants.

    All talk, no action. In reality, you were likely the one who needed to change, as often women will come around if the man in their life takes charge. Sounds like, from this statement, that you just said things needed to change but you never made it a reality.

    Notice I am picking on you - yes, you are right. Most men are the basis for all their problems, and they need to understand that when their woman is unhappy it's their fault. Women need strong partners to LEAD them.

    So she assumed the role of the male. As mentioned, women need a male to help guide them, in my opinion. When you left, she had to fully assume that role. What would have happened if you had stepped up - some - and became that father figure?

    I fully understand this, as my fiance' is on some of those drugs. I never believed, now I do. However, I still must maintain the role of the protector and provider, as drugs alone are not the answer.

    So, PLEASE NOTE, if you were not divroced then she has committed ADULTRY. Do not take this lightly, as you have a strong legal basis for divorce here, one that will save you from a lot of financial and emotional headaches. These actions of hers clearly show that - by actions - she does not love you. If she truly loved you, she would never have gone to any other man - as you never went to any other woman (right?)

    Excuses. Never trust excuses. Trust actions. What were her ACTIONS?

    She was looking for you to take control and tell her to knock it the fuck off.

    She has committed adultry. Don't take her back, and I would hire a lawyer to get her cut out of your life at this point. Laws aside, she has likely broken them, so the pregnancy is not an issue.

    Have you hired a lawyer?

    I was married for 11 years. Now I know a lot more about relationships than I ever did. We can talk about that later. If you knew what I knew, you'd probably never have married her!

    Because you have no social skills and you cannot pick up women. Right?

    Have you sought out the skills to meet women?

    Stop being her therapist. Rule #1 - she is using you and you are not getting anything out of it, so stop doing it.

    Technically, rule #1 is to never get involved with a woman who is not clinically sane, but it's too late for that now.

    Stop telling her anything about your life. She cheated, so she does not deserve to know about your life.

    She wanted you to be more of a man. She did as much as she could to get you to tell her to NOT cheat, NOT be crazy, NOT be whatever she was. She wanted you to take charge, make decisions for her, and shelter her. But you didn't. You never got mad (likely) and never took charge, so when she slept with this other guy it was like you did not care - to her. She was testing you, but you failed the tests.

    You have a lot to learn, and at this point you need a lot of work. So much work that I have no idea where to start, really.

    Okay, actually, I do.

    Get angry. Tell her EXACTLY how you feel when she fucks up, BUT DO IT FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW. Do not tell her that she's a cheat, tell her that she has disappointed you by not being faithful to you, and that you cannot respect her for that. Tell her that you cannot respect anyone who is disloyal to you. Tell her that you have very high standards for the woman you want to be with, and she needs to prove herself to you all over again.

    Should you take her back? Well, I'd never take my ex-wife back, personally. Should you? Hard to say. This is one of those things where we need to go to lunch for a few weeks and figure everything out.

    You live near VA?
     
  5. barndawg

    barndawg New Member

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    ok responce

    ok responce

     
  6. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Here's my take on it:

    There is probably a lot more to this, because I feel like I am missing something here. Yes, lack of money can always be a problem. It appears that you still asked her what she wanted though, and I firmly believe that women simply want a leader. A husband, a father figure, a provider. Women often want to feel like a woman, not a man.

    Okay, so you know this. Now the trick is to REMEMBER this. She was testing you, if you let her manipulate you, then you failed the tests. Sounds simple, but it's really important.

    Threatening is probably not the best tool in ones arsenal. If you were putting forth effort and she wasn't, then why stick around with her?

    How did you guys get together in the first place?

    I am feeling that this relationship was likely doomed from the start, and if you were like me you waited 11+ years to figure out that you had to get out and start over. Tough lesson, eh?

    So whatever you did for a few days worked. Why'd you back down after that? Never back down, step it up!

    Seems like you could have. Yes, it can be tough, but sometimes that is what is needed.

    Seroquel is a very heavy-duty drug, I'm shocked to hear she was on that. It's one of the strongest anti-psychotic drugs that I am aware of.

    However, at the same time, it's likely the relationship was not really a good one, so you each had to do something to put up with each other. In reality, you likely should have split a long time ago.

    If you seperated ONCE that's a red flag. Never get back with someone with whom you've broken up with - it rarely works out. That's a lesson you need to learn. Why would you take back someone who you KNOW will dump you at the drop of a hat because they know they can get you back?

    Never reward bad behavior.

    She did that to get you to dump her. Kind of drastic, but probably the only way she knew how. Take a hint.

    Yeah, leave her to be "happy." You seem to need to learn to take care of yourself anyway and be happy yourself! Who's taking care of you?

    Wrong, you have 4 friends, vultures, or cheaters. You won't get with the friends, the ones who are waiting for you to get divorced should not be involved until you are single and will take advantage of you like your wife did, and the ones in the relationships are also cheaters. You're picking some pretty crappy quality women.

    Once you are single, you need to STAY single for a long time, like 1-2 years, and work on yourself. You need to learn what makes a woman a quality woman. Your skills at picking women are crap, quite frankly, based on what you just said here. You should not be looking at 4 different women anyway, you should be trying to figure out who you need to disqualify as they likely are all not good enough for you.

    Yeah, but your relationships skills suck. You've been with a woman for 12 years and can't make it work. That is a HUGE red flag. It means you picked the wrong woman, you could not end it when you needed to, you took abuse you did not need to, you were unable to take control of yourself and set standards, she cheated on you and you allowed it, etc., etc., etc. Sorry, you need to learn to work on how to maintain a QUALITY relationship.

    I should know - I did nearly the exact same thing you did. My ex cheated on my. Broke up, got back together, etc., all that BS. You need to understand that relationships DON'T work like that. You have to set standards for the women you meet, and if they don't meet the HIGHEST standards you cut them loose and find another one.

    You don't need to be cold, you need to be mature and tell her something like "You're not with me, so our relationship is over. Please don't try to get back together with me, please do not contact me. You have made your choice to be with that other guy, and I wholly respect that and wish you the best of luck in your future." Be polite, be mature, be calm, but stop talking to her after that. Do NOT answer any questions, do not answer the phone, do not return calls unless it has to do with the divorce.

    Because she loves you like you are her child. If she was in charge of the relationship, she made a maternal connection to you like she was your mother. This is why your relationships are not working out - you're too immature in your relationship skills and treat women like friends. You need to treat women like functioning members of a family unit and you are the leader. You make the decisions, and she will love you like you are the father, how she is loving this other guy. Get it? He is the father figure, you are the child figure. She is fucking him, but she still cares for you like she would her child. This guy may be a loser, but he sure as shit has the father figure thing figured out. It has nothing to do with how much money he makes, but everything to do with setting limits and standards and letting her know that she has to meet them. If she fails to meet them, she is not rewarded. She is reprimanded for bad behavior, and subsequent failures means she will be cast aside for a more mature and adult woman by this guy.

    You never did that. You accepted her unconditionally, so she had no structure to live up to, no rules to follow, no standards to meet. She was like a balloon without a string, bouncing around. She needs a string and to be tied around to someone's wrist, so to speak. She can bounce around and do whatever she wants, be she needs to know what the lmits are, basically.

    Well, you don't want to lose self-control and get angry, but you do need to let her know that she has to follow your rules if she wants to be with you. If she does not follow them, then you'll leave. She can do whatever she wants, but she has to understand that you won't tolerate being treated like a child. You're an ADULT! You have to be treated like one.

    Abusive relationships are all about the man controlling the woman. However, these men did it with force. A smart man - a gentleman - does it with his mind. Note - gentleMAN. Gentle but a MAN. Be kind, but be firm. No hitting. No yelling. No low-blows, rudeness, outbursts, etc. Calm, cool, collected, but TRUTHFUL and to the point when needed.

    WHAT?!?!?!?! You'd take her back because you can "handle her?" That's the stupidest BS thing I have ever heard! You deserve a lot better than being with a woman just because she is mentally unstable and you can "handle her moods." You can't handle her moods, you've proved it to yourself time and time again. LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES. NEVER GET INVOLVED WITH A WOMAN WHO IS NOT ***CLINICALLY*** SANE.

    This means her.

    That's their problem, not yours. Don't get involved in their life.

    So much for lunch.

    Look, you have a lot of work to do, but #1 is making a clean break from her. This is now a professional issue, and you must treat it like such. All communication to her should be through your lawyer, and you need to go hang out with some MALE friends who know a thing or two about women. Meet some guys who are single but know how to pick up women. Learn from them what makes a woman great, set some standards, and go on a few dates. However, do NOT move in with anyone. Just learn how to be a great man, and then start to understand that women are only as great as you allow them to be.

    A friend of mine admitted that a year ago he would have dated about any woman. Now he said he is actually turning women down after the first dates because they have nothing to offer him. He admits he is very surprised that so many of these women he would have dated before now are so OBVIOUSLY low quality that he can't even stand the thought.

    Raise your standards.

    Here are some to start with:

    1. Clinically sane women only.
    2. Single woman only.
    3. No dates until you are single, lest your ex-wife come back at you with a lawsuit for adultry.
    4. Get a seperation, or whatever you can do legally.
    5. Buy NO drinks, presents, dinners, or gifts for ANY women.
    6. Flirt, joke, have a good time, but don't fuck anyone.
    7. Learn to be alone and happy with yourself.

    So what else can you tell us?
     

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