SRS Bulimic Girlfriend...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Omerta6, Apr 15, 2007.

  1. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    So, at the start of our relationship. My girlfriend had told me that she had a history of bulimia. But, she said she hasnt purged in 2 months. So, I said 'thats good to hear, if you want to be with me please don't let that repeat itself.'

    Fast forward 1 month and a bit, she tells me that she has been pruging for 2 weeks. After she had talking about her friends dieting and how unhealthy it is, with my follow up response that eating healthy and changing your body takes time and patience... starving yourself is just an easy way to weightloss where you will gain it all back once you start eating again. You need patience and dicipline to make a drastic change that sticks.

    She made some middleground alluding comments to it before about how she hates being around 'thin' girls and crap. She isnt fat at all, but she obsesses on her weight... its all in her mind since what I say gets disregarded as the boyfriend bias. She is a good looking girl and not overweight. She talks about wieght all the time, when I just say eat healthy and keep in shape... it works for me.

    Shes in the upper range of 'normal' BMI, cause shes 5'4" and has DD's and eats really unhealthy. But she looks great...

    Anyway its a mental disorder, and I'm not completely sure how do deal with it. Its selfdestructive, and will turn into decipt eventually. She needs help, I dont know how to go about it. I'm glad she told me but fuck, its not right.

    Anyway any comments or suggestions of what to do?
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2007
  2. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    how old is she? who does she live with?
     
  3. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    20 and lives in Residence in a single room. I know her suitemates though... but shes going back home next week, so I will only see her on weekends.

    Her parents are very nieve, and wont notice if she keeps up with it. As she was home when she did it before...
     
  4. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    oh yeah, she has other issues as well. Mostly stemming from low self-esteem. She has problems dealing with anxiety where she worries about everything so much that she can't sleep. She does alot of things with really bother me...

    She's been on and off antidepressants for a while, as her father is a psyhiatrist.

    She started birthcontrol a month ago to, so it can't be a testosterone imbalance which to some effect can cause this.
    Wow, shes alluded to it alot now that I think of it. Shes asked me how long it takes for a pill to get though your system out fo the blue... now, obviously I can see so she can plan her purging...


    I like her, but I hate how she deals wiht her problems. I don't know what I should do. It will be huge for her to change her behavior(if she even wants to, and if she doesnt she won't) especially when I wont be around her alot this summer.



    agh
     
  5. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    hiding it has to go, and she has to want to stop, which doesnt appear to be the case. she also needs to distance herself from the mentality.

    she needs to make a choice between you, and puking. think she can do that, honestly?
     
  6. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    She better, cause I'm going to throw those options out there.

    When I told her its wrong and really harmful, she says 'its honestly not a big deal' rofl what in the fuck? Can she seriously believe that?

    She is self-destructive when things don't go her way. Thats one thing that really urks me about her...
     
  7. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    I would say make an ultimatum but I know if my boyfriend ever made me choose between my eating disorder and him, the answer would be VERY clear to me and I would choose the eating disorder. You're right that it is more of a mental disorder so it isn't just about how she looks/weighs. For me, I never look in the mirror, could give 2 shits about how I look on a daily basis, but feel absolutely disgusting with a full stomach (I dont purge though/restriction only.. ok, purge on occasion, but < 2x year). It's all about control and even the 'high' that one gets when they purge/starve.

    Honestly, you just have to think about how much you love this girl and how willing you are to help her through this. If you can't honestly handle it, then I say notify her parents and then tell her that you can be friends, but you refuse to date someone who is killing themselves in front of you.

    Recovering from an eating disorder is one of the hardest things to do and will be a life long battle for her. Maybe if you offer to make the push towards recovery with her she'll actually be willing to go through with it. Trust me though, she KNOWS how bad her behavior is, it's just in her mind, since she doesn't weigh 70lbs and isn't being tube fed, she doesn't see it as a "big deal," in her mind she still isn't sick enough for those things. When my family forced me into therapy at 93lbs I laughed in their face because to me, I wasn't even close to being sick, yet I longed for the day when I *would* be that sick. It's kinda fucked up..

    And her attitude when things don't go her way, with the 'self-destructive' behavior are just classic traits of her eating disorder. Many times people just don't know how to deal with life, and their ED is a crutch to get them through the day.

    Hate to say it but I really don't know what advice to give you.. She won't be able to give up her eating disorder until she is 100% ready and that's something you can't control or force.. Idk, good luck. :hs:
     
  8. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    She knows its a problem, she said she thinks she needs theropy.. well she said something along those lines last night when she was drunk adn told me about it.

    I want to help her though this, but its going to be near impossible when I'm 500km away from her for 5 days of the week.

    I hate the idea of watching someone do this to themselves, I want to support her... but how? I'm trying to influence the idea of just eating good food and stay in shape, but she doesnt have the patience for that cause there are no instant gains that the bulimia gives her.

    This is bad timing, cause its smack in the middle of exams for me (I'm in engineering so its kinda intensive) and she is leaving this week to go back home for the summer.

    I donno, I think she would choose me over the puking... because she has stopped before, and has had theorpy before for it.

    She needs to have her self esteem built up, cause she is really nervous and feels looked down upon when she is around other girls. I can only do so much...
     
  9. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    I know its a psycatrists job to analyze this... but how can I help her with this?
     
  10. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    Giving her an ultimatim is not the way to deal with this. Her ED had nothing to do with you and you trying to control her is just going to make it worse. You need to make sure she gets help ASAP. There is nothing you can personally do, this is a job for a professional. You may also want to find a way to tell her parents if they don't already know. If her dad is a psychiatrist he should know what to do to deal with her issues.
     
  11. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    I'll do my best to see that she seeks out help and I'll think about a way to approch her parents about that if all else fails.

    Its just hard to sit on the sidelines and watch someone I care about do this to themselves...
     
  12. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    You'd don't have to sit there and do nothing but you need to realize this isn't just some switch you can turn off by telling her to stop. It's like telling a depressed person to just stop being sad, it doesn't work like that. She has severe mental issues that she needs professional help to deal with. The best thing you can do for her is to be supportive and research her condition to learn what it is that she is dealing with. Do anything you can to get her the help that she needs. You may also want to help her learn healthy ways to manage her weight such as working out together or preparing healthy meals together.

    She is not going to get better over night, it will take a lot of help and time for her to change. If you aren't looking for a serious relationship or don't want to deal with this problem then there's nothing wrong with ending the relationship. Just don't threaten her with breaking up as a way to try to "fix" the problem because that won't work. Eating disorders are about control and if you try to control her with threats then it's just going to make her problem worse.
     
  13. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    I realize that, hence my researching before I even talked to her about it. I was just trying to figure out what to do, I've never delt with mental issues to this extent before so I'm trying to learn... If there was an easy off switch, she would have done it by now.
    The working out together/making meals doesn;t work to well since she is 500km away (if you read all my posts)
    I've never dealt with this before... I'm just trying to figure out what to do. I know threatening her won't instantly make her change...

    Anyway... I talked to her about it alot to night, in which I've learned alot. She has been dealing with with this alot and described pretty well what kristaliah said. Shes going to start jogging again, she says it kicks in mostly when she feels guilty about what/quantity of what she eats followed by lack of exercise.
    She also said she is worried about me losing interest, which is partly why she started 2 weeks ago. (There was a big drama scene that weekend, I was sick and had a shitload on my plate at the time which made me kinda distant and she took it as it was her fault. Anywho thats a different story) Even though I tell her she is beautiful quite often...
    Shes already done damage to her teeth, since it bothers her to eat cold stuff... and she got cavities in her molars in september. I'm trying to help find a better way for her to vent her anxiety and stress, video games haha. (she was into them before) and hopefully that will be somewhat of a start? She needs to find a way from turning all her issues inward, and become more confident with the way she is... I'm going to do my best to help her. She appears to really want to help herself, so we'll see where that goes. The only way I would end our relationship is if she wasnt willing to help herself.
     
  14. GizmoR

    GizmoR New Member

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    living with one for 2 years and a half..... she made a lot of progress, but at the same time she completly burned me up. Honestly, I dont think I will still be able to keep up with this for very long
     
  15. dstar

    dstar it's the motherfucking remix. OT Supporter

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    I'm going through tough times, I love a girl who is bulemic and we broke up because of it. best of luck brother...
     
  16. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    you vs. eating disorder? 9/10 times you'll lose that bet. Don't give her that ultimatum unless you're ready to get gone, hon.

    There are several threads about this, you may find some pertinent advice if you dig a bit.

    If you're not ready to take this on then don't. It's a long haul my friend- for both of you. BUT- you can't have an eating disorder and a healthy relationship at the same time. Godspeed to you and your girl :hug:
     
  17. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    I was talking with her the other night and found out how deep this goes... its huge. She has attempted suicide before, which really troubles me. She said she is going to seek help when she goes home (tommorow), but apparently in the small town shes from doctors confidenciality isnt as strong as it legally should be... which somewhat has her discuraged. She goign to go back on zoloft I think, hopefully that will help a bit.

    She has a defeatist atitude before she even goes to see a psychiatrist, she doesn't think anyone can help her... thus she doesnt open up fully to them. I think I made some progress with her on how she has to recall painful memories or she won't learn to deal with them etc...

    I really like her, but my foresight tells me this will end up with me getting hurt in the end. agh, this is going to be one difficult long distance relationship.
     
  18. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    Update with bad news...


    Agh I don't know what to think and or say, I know I morally can't sit idle and watch her do that to herself. But at the same time, I thought she was smart enough to look at the big picture, I feel like I have fallen in love with her but her refusal to help herself with this is a huge turnoff. She fucked up two weeks ago and I was going to break up with her, but she said she seriously try to stop being mia... but she obviously just said that cause its what I wanted to hear. I seriously do not know what to do, this will end bad in the long run.

    She lied when she said she said she wanted help, not really a huge suprise. But heres her mindset:
    I kinda went about this wrong in a sense, but I said what was on my mind. I've talked to her before without saying her method is twisted, fucked etc... but I convinced myself/hoped for the best when she said she wanted help and ingored the signs that she didn't want to stop.
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2007
  19. Schadenfreude1

    Schadenfreude1 New Member

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    As with any disorder, the person has to WANT to change before anything can happen.

    She needs to realize she is more than the sum of her appearance.
     
  20. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    I don't know how to show her that, she has to figure it out on her own. I can't push this issue any harder or she will polarize more on it.

    She needs to learn to respect herself and her body, her lack of that makes me see dire problems in our relationship... I'd like to think otherwise but thats difficult.
     
  21. cookiesandvodka

    cookiesandvodka OT Supporter

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    if you can't beat em, join em! i'm sure horrible advice for this situation but when i can't figure out something i'll do something radical. i was depressed about life so i signed up to help orphans in africa. hell maybe she should go do that, go see little kids with big bellies only because they haven't eaten in days! or start purging with her!! haha who knows! something radical man! good luck!
     
  22. autobahn

    autobahn New Member

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    She's obsessed with her weight. completely obsessed.

    She needs PROFESSIONAL help. She is obviously very very sick mentally and honestly, she's going to burn you out.

    It sucks, but unless you're willing to destroy yourself for the possibility of her getting better, this may be a relationship you might not want to pursue any further. She may say tons of things to keep you in the relationship, but you're a low #2 to her eating disorder. It rules her life and it's not going to change soon.
     
  23. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    That's pretty much all you can do. Eating disorders are 100% mental. There is nothing you can say or do that will trigger her into recovery. This is all her own battle.

    The fact that you care and worry this much about her is amazing. Have you tried reading up on eating disorders? www.somethingfishy.org is a pretty decent resource. They even have a section for loved ones to read up on things that they can do. I know my family basically lived on that site and forums when I was going through some stuff.

    Just know that she will probably never be 100% recovered. Even if she gets help and the best doctors in teh world, those nagging voices will always be in the back of her head. Hope she gets the help she needs to at least learn to control them - instead of letting them control her.
     
  24. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    I've read so much its insane, I even joined some pro-mia/ana forums to try and figure this shit out.

    I got myself in to deep I think...
     
  25. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    Kyle I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this. I'll try to shed a little light for ya..

    The problem is that your ED becomes your identity. She's right- it's ALL YOU EVER THINK ABOUT. EVER.

    Imagine a life where the one thing that you put 100% of your time, energy and focus into is taken away. What would you do? Who would you be? What would you think about? How would you create a new identity?

    It literally becomes who you are. It eats you alive. When I was finally ready to really take control of my recovery, I was faced with an awful realization- "Who am I if I don't have my eating disorder? If I don't have my eating disorder, I don't have anything."

    I needed to learn several things before I was prepared to leave my ED behind. After finally understanding that I couldn't have a healthy relationship and an ED at the same time I decided I was ready to get serious about my recovery. I needed to find better ways to deal with my emotions and anxieties (since EDs are NOT about food, but about maladaptive coping behaviors) Then I had to start the long hard process of figuring out who I really was and not who my ED had made me become.

    I don't think you ever really stop thinking about it. Similar to how an alcoholic is always an alcoholic, even when he has years of sobriety; one with an eating disorder always has an eating disorder, even when they are not engaging in harmful activities.

    Kyle, she's not ready to get better. She's not even admitting to herself that she really has a problem. She's not going to stop lying about it. She's not going to stop doing it- she's only going to stop telling you about it and start hiding it better.

    You can't save her, honey. She's not ready to stop. She doesn't mean it when she says she wants to go to a therapist. She might go for a bit to appease you, but she'll make an excuse to get out of it or lie about going. EDs make you a very manipulative person.

    I'm sorry hon, but there's nothing you can do. You can't fix this for her- I wish you could. I wish there was something you could do to make her care, but there's not. She loves her ED too much- she's not ready to leave it.

    She's pulling you into her game, she's manipulating you and the last thing you want to do is to start enabling her. I know you care about her and I know you're so worried about her and don't want to leave her because you're afraid of what she'll do. Tell her parents. Take care of yourself. If that means break up with her, then do it. I'm sorry man.

    Good luck and Godspeed to both of you.
     

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