SRS Brother is an alcoholic and a liar.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by DiggityDogg, Mar 4, 2009.

  1. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    My older brother is 34. He is an alcoholic and a liar.

    I don't know when it started, but he has always had his vices. It used to be smoking and drugs, but he stopped smoking (picked up chewing) and from what I know quit drugs (for the most part). He now is an alcoholic and has always been a liar.

    His lies aren't malicious, they are usually to protect himself from whatever he feels infringes upon what he wants. He could lie to continue to hide his alcoholism. He could lie about a reason he can't take his son for a weekend (divorced). He could lie about his finances. He could lie about what he is doing. He could lie to cover up mistakes. He could lie to appear cool. He could lie for absolutely no reason. He could lie to one person knowing that person knows he is lying. It's extremely annoying. But whatever. That's not the big deal to me.

    The big one is alcoholism. He already wrecked his SUV drinking and driving and was out again a couple of days later behind the wheel after some drinks. I am to the point that I don't even worry so much about my brother hurting himself, I am more worried about him hurting others.

    I recently helped get him a job at the company I work for and he didn't even make it through the first week before he missed a day being too hung over for work. He then told our other brother-his roommate-that they let him out early. My younger brother knows he lies so he called me while I was at work about it and I went to the training room to check and saw the class in session.

    After this we came down on him. Not hard by calling him names, but in concern for his well being. We told him he needs to quit drinking right now and start going to AA meetings, telling him this is something he might always have to do. He does what he always does, said he would quit and seek help but he never does. His non-drinking MAYBE lasted 2 weeks. That's about how long it took for us to bust him, although he did seem a little better in person. That was about 2 weeks ago and he is already back to drinking every night again.

    I am convinced he will never change. He doesn't want to. He just wants to do what he wants. He skips on seeing his own 6 year old son so he can go out and meet girls and get wasted doing it. He skips work because he is too hung over to go in. He gets behind the wheel of a car despite wrecking at least once. He continually goes negative in his account by overdrafting to support his self destructive lifestyle. He has already gone bankrupt once and lost his home... but he blamed this on his ex-wife.

    I don't see him ever stopping. The only thing I can think of is an intervention but to be honest I don't think he will ever stop. I don't think anyone can do anything for him except himself, and he really doesn't care that much about anyone else. He acts like he does, but he doesn't. He will tell you and everyone else what they want to hear so he can get people off of his back. he isn't violent, he's very passive, but I really fear he is going to accidentally kill someone else with his destructive behavior. I also fear he will be a bad influence on his son. On top of that, when he does lose this job (when, not if) I see him being a burden on my parents who are getting ready to retire and live out the rest of their lives in the hard earned peace they deserve. They'll probably end up having to bail his ass out of financial hardship. heck, I dread them passing and leaving any money to him. Not out of any desire for more inheritance myself, but because I know what he will do with it.

    Totally at a loss.
     
  2. Ford4Life

    Ford4Life Guest

    Ask him if he wants his son to grow up without a father, and if he knows how much damage he is doing to that little boy. My father was an alcoholic to and it's had a pretty big impact on me, even though I'm an adult now.
     
  3. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I'm not. I have witnessed outright miracles in the rooms of AA. I have many, many stories that I could tell you....but I'm not sure they would help right now.

    There is a program called Al-Anon and it's specifically designed for the family of an alcoholic. They meet regularly, just like the AA meetings, and you can find support and help there.

    I know, I know....you're not the one with the drinking problem so you may not want to go to meetings. Afterall it's HIS problem not yours. You may be thinking this....maybe not but most family members I've dealt with feel this way in some form or another.

    I do agree that your bro won't change until he wants to change. The problem is, this can be brutal on the family to witness. An alcoholic that's still drinking and in total denial can be very destructive to their life and everyone around them. Watching a loved one go through this is often more than a family member can stand.....so they try to help.

    Unfortunately most alcoholics are also con artists and know how to milk this kindness to the max. This is called enabling and it is one thing that keeps alcoholics drunk.

    Sometimes it's very difficult for family members to know what to do or even to know how to deal with all the feelings and emotions that come up. This is why I suggest Al-Anon, because there are people there that can help. It's anonymous and free.

    You can find a local meetings here:
    http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html

    Anyways, don't give up on your bro. He's suffering from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and eventually body....however, there is help and there is hope.

    Good Luck and God Bless
     
  4. Bigblock

    Bigblock New Member

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    Solid advice there. If you do only one thing right now, vow not to prop him up anymore- and tell him so. It's for his own good although you can bet he won't see it that way. You should also get the rest of the family and friends to take the same vow because if only one person keeps propping him up he'll just gravitate to them and keep doing what he's doing. He'll probably need to reach the point of major crisis in his life before he can start getting better. As harsh as it sounds, you need to let that happen. Let him know you're there to support him but only in terms of his recovery, not in continuing with his current lifestyle of abusing alcohol and those who care about him.

    Good luck- under the best of circumstances this will not be a quick fix and he'll likely stumble a few times even if he's making a legitimate effort to succeed.
     
  5. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    I'm worried he will kill someone else before he hits rock bottom, from drinking and driving, far more than I am worried about him.
     
  6. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Right...you said that before but that is something over which you are powerless.
     
  7. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    What works (but certainly is not a soft way) is the demon method. We have a saying here 'he who doesn't want to listen, needs to feel it' , it basically comes down to imprisoning your brother inside of the house, beat the crap out of him with a whip or metal bar while screaming to him all the damaging things his bad behaviour has caused others to suffer, every day he has to be told why his alcohol behaviour is wrong, why he shouldn't be doing it, and why he should stay away from it. Up to the point that he's willing to goto AA meetings ,but still he needs to be confined to the house for 1 year, in which the house of course needs to be 100% free of alcohol. Every day he needs to be disciplined like a little kid not being allowed outside, only into the house, into rehab,into AA then after that time keep closely monitoring him and then let him try to live a good lifestyle again whilst not believing a word that he say, and dragging him back to go thru the whole process again if he makes the same mistake again ,rinse repeat.

    This persistant method along with a type of drugs that alternates the reward centers in the brain to feel non compliant to take alcohol can steer his fucked up life into a right direction again.


    Desperate times require desperate action, and it is an absolute desperate method for if all has failed, and no its not something to recommend hell it could even put yourself in jail but how far are you willing to go to save your loved ones?

    I did everything in my power to make my dad stop smoking, every day for more then a year i constantly made him feel guilty for smoking, its not the same addiction but i managed to make him quit, and yes he had relapses but persistance is the key to succes, and he stopped smoking for over 6 years now, it can be done.
     

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