SRS Breaking up with my GF of 10 years

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by kamikaze, Feb 7, 2013.

  1. kamikaze

    kamikaze Active Member

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    long story short, she wants kids and i'm undecided. She wants to get married and I don't see the point. I'm not attracted to her anymore, and can't see myself living the way we are living for the next 30-40 years. There's other shit, but that's the important stuff, imo.

    I feel pretty shitty about it, but mostly because I know she's going to be devastated, and she really doesn't deserve it. We've never cheated on each other that I know of (she's really not the type anyway), so it's not something that we really did to each other, I just think over the years we've grown too far apart.

    The biggest problem is we are so financially fucked right now splitting up is going to be really tough since we are sharing a car, and we own a house together. Don't really have any assets to liquidate to pay down debts either.

    anyway, hell of a first post in the Asylum.
     
  2. dumb_end_user

    dumb_end_user Sad Gus

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    At least you came to this conclusion before marriage/divorce $$$ and kids $$$$$$$$. :hs:

    It sucks - I divorced my wife of nearly 15 years and we were in the same boat. I'm much better off now than I was for the last few years of the marriage in all aspects of my life.

    :hug:
     
  3. johan

    johan Active Member

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    I think you're doing the right thing, for the most part anyways.

    But why not give a bit of couples counselling a try.

    If you think it's pointless for you because you "KNOW" you'll not change your mind, that's fine, just consider it a gift for her.

    It'll help her work through the pain, confusion and anger.

    And maybe, you might see the situation more clearly too.
     
  4. kamikaze

    kamikaze Active Member

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    thanks guys.

    as far as counseling goes, it's not going to change my lack of physical attraction to her so I don't really see the point.

    As far as the kids/marriage thing, i think this is why I've been putting it off. It's not that I'm 100% against those things, I just don't want them with her.

    Like I said, I feel shitty about this whole thing, I should have done it years ago. I guess I just was comfortable and hoped things would get better, but they haven't.
     
  5. kamikaze

    kamikaze Active Member

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    just had the talk today. she's hurt, but at least we are talking. tough part now is separating everything when we are so tied together. We figure there's about 40 grand in debt between us, going to go make an appt at the bank to see what our options are.

    Gunna have to get the house in shape too, plus our fridge crapped out last weekend.

    What a fucking mess.
     
  6. PsychRN

    PsychRN New Member

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    That sucks, but you're doing the right thing. I was having this conversation with a co-worker the other day about whether or not it's possible to fall BACK in love. I don't think it is. Once the attraction is gone, it's over. Life's too short to spend it with someone you're not in love with.
     
  7. Sd79

    Sd79 New Member

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    After 33 yrs married I can say for us, it is more than possible to grow back into love over and over, deeper and deeper.
     
  8. We_Todd

    We_Todd I'm a naughty squirrel.

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    Bro, that's how my relationship was. 6 years. She always wanted kids even early in the relationship. I do too but not at that time. Were weren't financialy stable. One day she decides to stop taking birth control pills. this was later in the relationship and that's when everything went fucking down hill.



    If you're not happy in the relationship, why stay in it? Staying will just make it worse. She doesn't deserve to be with someone that isn't going to give 100%.

    Yes, it's going to hurt her but like you said, 30-40 more years of this because of what, pity?

    Financial bullshit will work itself out. The both of you just need to agree what you're going to do. Plan and execute it.
     
  9. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Why aren't you attracted to her? Did she get fat? Is she bitchy because of your financial problems? Does she refuse to do that special move that turns you on? Does your job involve sitting on your nuts all day and your testosterone has gone to shit? Do you secretly feel unworthy because of your own problems, and you're avoiding attachment because you don't want to get hurt when she leaves you? Figure that out, see if it can be solved, and if it can be, that should resolve a lot of other problems.
     
  10. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    It's not fair - to either of you - to stay together when you're not committed mentally, regardless of financial reasons.
     
  11. kamikaze

    kamikaze Active Member

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    Pretty much this.

    I think for some people that really work well together in the first place, that's entirely possible. I'm envious that you've found someone that makes you feel that way.

    Yea, thankfully she wasn't ballsy enough to stop taking her BC, or i'd likely be a baby daddy. And I agree on the bolded point. It's taken me far too long to come to this conclusion, and I will take full responsibility for my lack of action.

    There's a lot of things, both physical and mental. The financials don't help with the latter. There isn't just one thing that I can put my finger on, there's many things that just branch into others and I think the root of the problem is that we just both want different things. I know I'm no stud, and I've got my flaws, but fuck, if you're going to spend whatever on a gym membership cause you wanna get in shape, then come home after and put back a large bag of sunflower seeds and a bottle of soda cause you're depressed that you aren't seeing any gains, well that's a little counter productive. Hell, I've dropped 20 pounds in the last 2 months just by eating better, and I hope to drop about 10 more once it warms up and I can get out jogging in the morning. That's just one of the many things.

    Again, I agree. We are working on splitting the debt, and getting our shit sorted out.

    Thanks guys for replying to this thread, I kinda forgot about it until Oni quoted me this morning. Everything has just been so crazy.

    Anyway, an update: We've both had bank appointments to see about getting separate loans to pay off our debt. She's moved out to her parents, stopping by occasionally to visit our cat. She's agreed to help out with the bills for a bit until we can sell the house, since she's moved on to a much better job than she had before, and I've been ridiculously slow at mine. We've kept the fighting to a minimum, but I can tell she's in that angry stage. Some of our mutual friends are starting to pick sides, but that was inevitable. Things are moving along, but not as quickly as she'd like them to which makes her irritable. I want to make sure that we explore all our options financially so we don't end up making a mistake that will just make things worse for us down the road. I managed to find a beater car, so that really helps as well.

    Again, thanks for the words of wisdom, it's getting a little bit easier every day. not much, but every little bit helps.
     
  12. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    Not that you want my take on things and you know what they say about opinions, all I have to say is that it's not to late to turn back. 10 years is a commitment. You shouldn't go back out of guilt but out of obligation. The thing about love is that it has nothing to do with liking someone. People think that love is a very deep form of liking someone. But no, sometimes you are loving someone even when you aren't liking them.

    You aren't attracted to her? Well after 10 years it might be hard but the fact is that after 10 years the passion might be gone with anyone.

    Foundations are one thing but after 10 years you've made foundations, there had to be something going right.

    Anyways, I would beg you to reconsider. It is terribly difficult to recapture passion after it's completely died out but it is always possible.

    The reason why I beg you to reconsider is because you are writing the pages of life right now. If your life had to be an autobiography this would be a very dark chapter, one that is leaving one person in particular very hurt and confused. That person's life is changed forever now, perhaps they will never be the same after this. This is like 1/4th or 1/5th of adult life invested into this at this point. There is no bouncing back from that.

    Maybe you don't want the rest of the book to be filled with your misery but it doesn't have to be. Your debts and relationship is the way it is because of choices you've both made. You can go back and make the right ones, find that old passion that you had and make it work.

    The fact is is that the problem is in you, not her. The way you thought about her, your reactions and your memory are what have lead you to this level of resentment and unattraction towards her. If that wasn't there then it would be a different story entirely, but all your past thoughts add up.

    Resentful thoughts aren't love.

    Just some things to think about, sorry to lay down tough words in such a difficult time but you still have time to call her up and take her out to dinner. Ten years is marriage, is a lifelong commitment. You will be with her now forever either way.
     
  13. PsychRN

    PsychRN New Member

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    It's true that after 10 years the passion might be gone with anybody. It's almost expected as that's the first thing to go in a relationship.

    Chances are that if he's actually making the move now that he's been thinking about it for much longer, possibly even years.

    If he were regretting the decision then it might be a good move to turn back. However, if there's a sense of relief then it was probably the right decision.

    When someone breaks up a relationship because there's a new girl/guy in the picture then it's a different story. I remember when I broke up with my ex and I was so relieved it was over, my friend said he knew I was serious and sincere because there was no other guy in the picture at all. When you're happier by yourself then that's a good sign things are beyond repair.

    10 years is a long time, but it's also a long time for people to change. If someone had told me ten years ago that I'd be a nurse then I would've laughed at them and said something about how degrading being a nurse is. I'm a totally different person now than I was 10 years ago. Some people stay together for 20-30 years, raise children to be adults, and then divorce. Why? Because people change. They want different things. It happens.
     
  14. Figori

    Figori Taking BRC to the EXTREME. OT Supporter

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    If you ever need to text/FaceTime let me know. Times like these cause people to make drastic and sometimes perilous decisions. Just remember that the possibility that tomorrow holds is greater than what you've already been through.

    :hug:
     
  15. kamikaze

    kamikaze Active Member

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    PsychRN pretty much has it nailed. Altho the split has been stressful, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I've been much happier since she's moved out, and thankfully I've got some great friends right now that are helping to keep me busy.

    It's not like I'm leaving her because there's someone else, It's more so when she's not around I am happier. She goes on a vacation without me, or even just out with some friends, I am just happier. Soon as she walks in that door, it's like she brings this black cloud with her, and I can't do it anymore.
     
  16. kamikaze

    kamikaze Active Member

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    thx bro. My head is pretty level for the moment. And I'm looking forward to new experiences ;)
     
  17. kamikaze

    kamikaze Active Member

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    An update (for anyone that cares :p)

    ex was over today to finally clean some of her stuff out of the house. It's kinda bittersweet. On one hand I feel like another huge weight's been lifted, but on the other I feel like the victim of a smash and grab LOL

    Anyway, she was rather civil today, seems to be getting better with the fact that we aren't getting back together and that this is actually really happening. I have to admit, there are moments every now and then that I wonder if I made the right decision, but then I realize that I can't really stand to be in the same room with her for more than an hour I know that I did. It's like every time we have to get together you can cut the tension with a knife.
     
  18. g.prabhudesai

    g.prabhudesai New Member

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    Whatever You have.. financially with each other. Liquidate.. let go and continue. Doesn't make any sense to continue this if it isn't working for You. But just see if the problem can be solved.. rather recognised. Ten years.. There must be something that made You stick to one another. Identify that... and if still the situation persists.. I believe Your path is.. appropriate..
     
  19. Jinx

    Jinx Active Member

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    when my fiance went to get his stuff from arkansas when we first got together, he literally had nothing in his house besides his tools. his ex's stepdad refused "to take another man's tools". other than that, he didn't have sheets, towels or even a shower curtain.
     
  20. kamikaze

    kamikaze Active Member

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    well thankfully she's leaving me with some of that kind of stuff, we had doubles and triples of everything for the most part, so a lot of it we're just splitting. She just grabbed all her knick knacky shit, the rest of her clothes, the wii (which I don't give a rats ass about) and some of the kitchen stuff, so the living room and bedroom closet look fucking barren LOL
     
  21. amze

    amze New Member

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    Hang tight, making the right decision bruh.
     
  22. Archer Sterling

    Archer Sterling Vroom Vroom Moderator

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    Wow, that takes some huge balls ending a 10 year relationship. You make valid points with why you want to leave. I do agree with you this is something you should have done years ago. Now she's probably thought "Well, this asshole just wasted 10 years of my lifetime for nothing". So yeah I have to side with her also only because I know how that feels too. I was with someone for 5 years and she just decided to dump me. I right away got really angry for her wasting 5 years of my time. But, its cool you understand why she has so many angry emotions now. You build something for 10 years, think to yourself "we're both going to make it" and then bam, it's over. Not the greatest feeling in the world for two people. Though, you probably feel more wonderful then her.

    Glad things are moving along for you.

    I also have to point out about the "passion" side of things. I have been with someone for 8 years (married for almost 2) and yes its true, the passion is gone only because the honeymoon phase ended during year 2 of our relationship (which is normal). The next step was building a new foundation or a second phase, trying new things out and keeping each other happy. It also helps that we are both independent people so we don't always have to rely on each other. We do have our busy work periods but we also try to make as much time for each other as possible. We both also understand that we do have a life outside our marriage. Sure we do have our own annoying things but that's all part of a very long relationship. In the end its working out and it actually get's easier as the years go by.
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2013
  23. james.sahn

    james.sahn New Member

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    I just went through a similar breakup, and there's no way for it not to suck. And suck hard. But you get through it and then get to look around after you've cleaned up all the wreckage and realize taht you get to now live your life the way you want to without having to tiptoe around a dying/dead relationship. And it's awesome.
     
  24. g.prabhudesai

    g.prabhudesai New Member

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    Am sorry it didn't work put for you. But Congratulations on ending it.. As you said. Wouldn't have been fair for either of you two. Have a good life ahead.

    Regards.
     
  25. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    Can't contribute anything other than I feel bad for you. 10 years is obviously serious, I feel bad for you that it's ending.
     

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