SRS Breaking up over no reason, missing her like crazy, & now what?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by art vandelay, Sep 7, 2006.

  1. art vandelay

    art vandelay OT Supporter

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    Breaking up over 'doubt', missing her like crazy, & now what? *LONG*

    Help, anyone? :sadwavey:

    I will try to keep only to the facts, bear with me, kind of a long post. I’m 26, been in two past relationships (1 year, & 2 years) which both ended on bad terms – first was unfaithful, second was because her timeline was accelerated (marriage in 6 months vs.. me not even being comfortable around her until 8-10 months in..)

    Been dating a few people here and there, until I met a girl right at the beginning of July. She 25, done school.. with 2 past relationships similar duration as mine. Not to try to create a suspension of disbelief, or ‘you’re crazy’ – but within the first week of talking to her, we shared our dreams, beliefs. Upbrining, goals.. and I shit you not down to a T that everything said was what we wanted in our partner. (I understand that talk is just talk.. and nothing more.)

    We met within the first week of talking on the phone, and hit it off instantly, no fears from either of us. I’m not the broly-est of guys, slightly larger, and she accepted me for who I was, and same with me-her. It was fan-fucking-tastic, I never felt judged, I was always myself and had never felt that freedom with anyone prior to that. Spent 14 hours our first date, 12 the second, and continued on like that 2-3 times a week at the beginning and then peaking almost 4-5 times a week for hours upon hours.

    This went on for about 4 weeks.. and everything we did said had ‘us’ in mind – we had no fears of eachother and believed that we were the ‘ones’ for eachother – actions (stronger than words) and yes, words, backed this up from both our ends.

    After the initial 4 weeks – she had family over from out of town, one of them her cousin – mid thirties, divorced with kids – and serious drama with his ex-wife. They stayed for about 3 weeks in which I may had seen her only twice or so; both times being very curt, and short. Started to notice a decline in the previous behaviors from the past weeks – it was like she was someone else – no phone calls, no compliments, just general ‘hey how you doing’/water cooler talk…

    Lets skip to the part where her out of town guests leave.. and we ‘try’ and resume things.. face to face is our #1 thing.. and I mean we couldn’t’ get enough of eachother prior to them coming over.. during the 7th/8th week or so, when we tried to get together she was easily irritated, angry, and was definitely holding back (every way) compared to what we’d created during the initial weeks.. very scary.

    7th-9th week we started just hanging out, or trying to, but same thing – she would get irritated at me for the smallest things (which I did before) and discussion from her would always gravitate to ‘I’ don’t think we’re right for eachother’ – consistently for 2 weeks or so.. trying to mend things, we had long before planned and out of town trip with 2 of her friends, so the 4 of us went away for a weekend.. which was nice but at the same time, irritation to the whole next level – me, was being myself.. her.. not so much – in fact on the last day out of town she never said more than a few words to me..

    Last week, I guess you could say shit hit the fan where she’s like ‘I have doubts about you – this weekend showed me a lot of things I don’t like.. ‘ the conversation continued in the grey area – never eluding to anything specific – I spent the last few days racking my brain over something I may have done/not done – but it wasn’t even that.. it was almost like baskin robbins – a new flavor of ‘doubt’ a day.

    I called her out on her cousins, and the fact she hasn’t been the same since when they came – after sharing there stories with her – she doesn’t want to make the same mistakes they did – and neither do I.. so basically who I knew the first 4 weeks didn’t carry into the next 4/5 weeks.. I remained the same, giving her 100% - she admits from going from 100.. and declining.. not sure to where but it was an awful feeling up to last week (and now still – more to come), say 20%?

    During our last phone convo - I told her if she can’t pinpoint where things are wrong (with me, us) then I can’t help her (this was over 2-3 weeks this convo repeated itself) - nor can I be in a relaiotnship where you just say ‘I have doubt’ and that’s it – so we decided to call it off last week after we got back into town.

    This is the reason for my post – she admits that her view on life/relationships has changed since her time with her cousins.. and that she is re-thinking what she wants out of everything – but I’ve fallen through the cracks - and I cannot deal with this feeling – I can’t describe it – but she IS the one for me, I have no doubts, I saw it, I felt it, breathed it – my other relationships has ended on a real reason – and not ‘grey’ doubt – so the dissattachment to her is not so surgical in this case.. I find myself replaying every moment with her and where I’ve gone wrong.. but this is causing a lot of stress (physically – I have a constant nauseas feeling, taking gravol daily, as well as I can’t sleep anymore – max 2 hours/day, and fuck mentally I’m going insane, slowly). Shes affirmed and re-affirmed it was never anything I've done..

    Nothing changed on my end for her; my feelings are the same – but how do I cope, and just forget about them now and attempt to move on? Tuck them away, and hold on to a hair of hope? Start dating again?

    I’m not even sure I can be just friends – we broke up on good terms (?) and its really to shut off my feelings – I’m not a robot, and can’t work on the flip of a switch. I know she has stopped seeing me in that light, which makes me :wtc: because I haven't. I know myself, if I remain friends the thought of hope will enter my mind on my own accord - and I will be setting myself up for imminent failure.. :sadwavey:

    The qualities I want in my partner; she has, and honestly I’m afraid I’ll never find the same flavor again. I’m scared, to death. :hs:

    Its been about a week since we called it off. Since them only spoke to her today - it was her bday.

    Am I being unrealistic/childish for wanting to be with her so bad still? :hs:

    - AV
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2006
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Of course you can't shut off your feelings. You wouldn't be human if you could.

    She's moved on. The best you can do is (like all the rest of us) is to take a moment, realize this is how the world works; that sometimes things don't work out despite you really really wishing otherwise.

    People change. That is their right. One day maybe you will be in a relationship and it will be you who yearns for something else.

    You then have the right to be free, just as she now has the right to be free and seek out her heart's desire.

    So think on that, and spend time with your friends in the meanwhile. You won't ever forget her, but you can lessen how your mind dwells on her by occupying yourself with pleasant diversions.

    Do it even if your heart isn't into it. Just keep yourself busy. It may seem trivial and shallow, but at this point, this is what you need.

    One day you will be wise enough about people and the world where you won't need distracting games and shit after a breakup.

    You'll simply smile and gently wish her well and go your separate ways, content in the knowledge that nothing lasts forever and that you WILL meet someone else...just around the next corner...

    But that day is not today. So go hang out with your friends. EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
     
  3. fhfn2000

    fhfn2000 New Member

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    I recently broke up on good terms with my girlfriend. Though our situations are slightly different, I can really identify with some of the things you wrote. Initially i found it quite hard to control my feelings for her, but now I can think of her (which I do everyday) without getting a horrible feeling in my gut. I believe all you need is some time for you to come to grips with things, and for you to heal.

    Give yourself some space from her. Don't call her or see her, no matter how tempting it may be. Seeing her will only make you feel bad about the situation, that's how it was for me anyways. Hopefully, after you have cooled down a little, maybe you can still see her as a friend.

    You've done everything right on your end, the relationship just wasn't in the cards. I don't think holding on to hope is the solution here, just pick up the pieces and move on. If you two truly care for each other, then maybe a friendly relationship will work, but not right now.
     
  4. zguy

    zguy New Member

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    No, I don't think you are. I had a similar relationship where she had everything I wanted. But when it didn't work out, it hurt a lot. I still look for girls that have her qualities, but breaking up is a two person deal and you can't really control the other person when they have made up their mind. All I did was reflect on the time I had with this girl, and used it to find another great girl with similar features. You'll find someone else just as great as she was, don't let it get you down to bad.
     
  5. art vandelay

    art vandelay OT Supporter

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    This is the part I cannot accept easily. Call me naive, but I’ve never been on the receiving end of this until now in life – and as silly as it sounds I cannot comprehend this. My rebuttal is why did we start this in the first place? Even silly-er, give me a reason other than doubt.. say it was my hair? My clothes? The way I tie my shoes.. tell me anything else.. but ‘nothing’ – I have a hard time trying to put closure to this without a reason.:hs:

    I have been trying to spend more time with my parents lately – I’ve told them about what’s happened since I have not been ‘myself’ around the house lately – quiet, and sleeping/staying in bed most of the day. They’ve been a great help, better than I expected and surprisingly easy to talk to. I‘ve also been leaning on a good friend for support and hanging out. Its helping, and I know its not a 100% way to get her out of my mind.. and thoughts of her are definitely still there.

    I look forward to this day. :hsd:
     
  6. art vandelay

    art vandelay OT Supporter

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    Whats making this harder for me is that I set my heart out on her from the very start – creating short and long term expectations or life/love with her in mind – and now they will never be reached with her. Its so stupid - unrealistic expectations causing real hurt/grief to myself!!? :o I’m not a guy that will date quantity – but quality – and when things feels right I set my heart on it.

    Broken this rule twice since splitting up :wtc: – once for her birthday and once for a comedy show I had bought tickets to (bought a month earlier when we were together). Looking back it may not have been the best idea to goto the comedy show, I was even more naive and thought that the stars would align and we’d heal things up – but no.. maybe I should’ve sold them and made some $$$ on the tix.. it was horrible (the show was ok), saying goodbye to her at the end of the night because I don’t know If I’ll ever see her again – I started to tear, and I just said ‘I’ll leave it at goodnight’ and walked away – probably the shittiest feeling in the world I’ve ever had. :wtc: I’m not sure if I was mad at her, or sad.. and still not sure. I definitely have no intentions of meeting up with her again.

    I’m trying my hardest to accept the fact that it’s a two way street – and both of us needed to be on board to continue any further than we did.. but right now, I don’t think I could ever handle just a friendship with her – my feelings would be still there (more on this in a bit).
     
  7. art vandelay

    art vandelay OT Supporter

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    Over the last two weeks or so since everything has gone downhill, I’ve self-realized I have a bad habit of measuring all facets of my life in terms of ‘have-nots’. She showed me a world I’d never seen/felt before – and if I try and reflect on the brighter days I immediately dwell on the fact that they are not there anymore and make myself believe they will never happen again unless its with her. Needless to say this snowballs.. and is a good way to lull myself to sleep. I know this sounds completely ridiculous but this is how I’ve come to be – I have never been able to just extract the good and run with it. I know its completely baseless as well - I had the same feelings about my first g/f after we broke up.. and they were quickly erased when I met the next (but were there during the time until I met the next..) I think its also that this time felt 'so close' compared to the rest - and she was leaps and bounds a greater match and it comes down to the fact again I can't believe there's someone better than her for me. Call me conceited? naiive, or just plain dumb. :hs:
     
  8. art vandelay

    art vandelay OT Supporter

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    not been easy

    Well the weekend has past and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - tried to keep my mind off things by watching a few dvd's and talking to my pops - it helped.. until this morning. :hs: I have a bad habit, almost a reaction - there was another thread about this in the asylum - I keep logging onto a site similar to facebook to view her profile, and pix - and its killing me.

    I have done this almost everyday since - and she actively updates her pix on the site - her last pix up were from Saturday with the same friends we went out of town with - it was like I was missing from the photos/that's how I felt - and she looked great as she always did.. and knowing I'm not a part of her life anymore is just killing me. :wtc:
     
  9. fhfn2000

    fhfn2000 New Member

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    oh yah, I had those feelings as well. "It's going to be tough finding someone else with all those great qualities".

    For the first couple weeks, I was always really tempted to call her, but I ended up feeling horrible once I did. I didn't like being reminded of her. To make things worse, I often saw her at work. Most recently, even though I told her I'm going to need some space for a little bit, I stalked her Facebook profile, checking out the pictures and what not :o I can really relate to how you're feeling right now.

    Tough it out, it's not going to be easy. It gets better everyday.
     
  10. UFO

    UFO Evolved

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    Your story struck a nerve. I have been single for 6 weeks or so now. We dated for 10 months and she was the most amazing woman I have had in my life. She had her quirks but they were easy to overlook. I am 36 and have been married previously and I can honestly say I have never loved anyone as much as I love this girl. I have known her for over 2 years and I think I loved her before we even started dating. I love how she dresses, I love the way she looks, I loved sex with her and her little moans, I loved her body; you get the point. She also has a 2 year old son who I love dearly. I can't cut her out of my life: I work with her....

    Last night she went out on a date with someone and I felt my world collapse again. I saw her on Saturday and she told me she didn't have time to date anyone and that she hadn't thought about sex, etc. She gave me a long hard hug goodbye, kissed me on my neck, and then kissed me on the lips. We made arrangements for her to come over to my place and spend the night this Sat. And last night she went out on a date? It put me back to square 1. I didn't eat last night and barely slept. I didn't eat properly for something like 3 days after we initially broke up. I do not mean to brag but I have had multiple partners and never in my life has one caused me to feel so sick that I can't eat or made me unable to sleep; not even when I told my wife to leave. I had been doing OK without her. Not good, just OK. Last night my whole world crumbled again as I thought she was coming back into my life and realised that was not the case.

    I want to move on but she's perfect for me. She's everything I want and more. The problem? I'm not perfect for her. I can't make somebody be in love with me so I don't know why I continue to try. I believe time will help me, just as it will help you, but I will get back to you on that one.
     
  11. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    FWIW, understanding this is a huge step in the healing process.
     
  12. Los

    Los Active Member

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    Believe in yourself. Remember the good times, remember the bad times. But make something of this life for yourself. Something good is bound to happen if you keep treating people the way you want to be treated.

    I promise you, in the end, you'll get everything you'll need.
     
  13. killer4605

    killer4605 New Member

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    cut all contact. no pictures, no emails, no facebook (same shit happened to me with checking her pics), no aim, NOTHING.

    if you have to, delete her off myspace, facebook, and anything else you have access to which would let you see her pictures / updates.

    IT GETS BETTER. i was in the shitter just a few weeks ago (plenty of threads by me... i'm sure most of these people are sick of the bitch i dated from all the threads i made) and now, i'm not over her, but i'm not crying about her either. i'm content at this point. neither happy nor miserable. it doesn't sound like much, but trust me, it's a huge step up from where i was (and from the sounds of it, where you are).

    go out and do ANYTHING to keep your mind off her. hang out with your buds, go to the gym, play video games, join a sports team, do whatever man. just do SOMETHING. if you just sit at home and think about the past you will never get over her.
     
  14. art vandelay

    art vandelay OT Supporter

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    Well its been about a week since posting, figure I should capture some more thoughts here.

    For simplicity, lets call her Jane. From the time of my original posting, I’ve tried to keep more occupied with my time, working out (great stress reliever), cardio, and generally just hanging out with friends. I’ve gotten my immediate thoughts off Jane by doing such activities, but it seems I keep letting her into my thoughts at night, and during the day at work.

    I’ve also been trying to get back into the ‘game’ and have been out with a lady friend for dinner and then a movie.. I know its not the fairest thing for me to do for her, but I need to really help myself get out of the ‘valley’ I’m currently in.. Needless to say going on a date was at best ‘nice’ but it felt as if I was going through the motions – she had a great time, she even went for the kiss.. me on the other hand, felt bored, and lulled. There were obvious times when we were at dinner I drifted and could only picture Jane across me; and everything that came out of her mouth (my date’s) was compared to Jane.. Jane has become my new measuring stick – and I know its unfair to anyone I meet. I’m starting to measure everything like ‘.. oh but JANE had this’ or.. ‘Jane could do that better’. The date was fun, sure.. maybe I just wasn’t attracted to her (aside from aforementioned reasons) and I’m just attributing it to how Jane is better.

    This has got me thinking in a snowball cycle (as I tend to usually do) and say to myself ‘no one will be better than Jane.. so why even try’. I get along great with any new women I usually met; that’s not the problem.. having Jane so close and now having it lost – I’m afraid I won’t be able to let my measuring stick down, and unfairly rate everyone, but that’ occurs in all other facets of life, right? I know the come back would be ‘well why do you think no one could measure up to her?’ – and to that I have no logical answer – I’m afraid to give myself even that much hope. (although after my first g/f .. I thought the exact same of her… until Jane) I’m a walking contradiction.

    I’ve been sleeping a lot more lately, up to 15 hours a day now, appetite has significantly decreased, even though I’m on ADs, its more than the usual from before when I was on them. Honestly sleep is the most comforting thing so far, it’s the last memory I have of Jane and myself when we were out of town.. and I can't seem to let go of the weekend we were out of town.. :hsd:.. but the least healthiest for my mind and body.

    - AV
     
  15. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You're not over Jane yet. Till you are, your perceptions will be skewed by persistence of memory and emotion.

    When you are over her, you will realize Jane was a human being; beautiful, tragic, and as perfect and as flawed as every human being is.

    Then you'll see how another person might enter your life. Till then....
     

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