Breaking up after a long relationship

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by donpisto, Feb 13, 2008.

  1. donpisto

    donpisto New Member

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    I've been with my gf...well, I guess my "ex-gf" now for almost 3 years, just a month shy of it. We got into an argument back a month or so ago and it was about our future. I want to be with her as in marry her and have a child with her, and she wants the same...except we want things at different times. She is looking to have that happen soon, but I'm just not ready for it. Today she told me she was jealous of this couple we know that just got married that are around our age, early 20's, and the girl got pregnant and she's jealous. I told her right now is not the time because she's got a full time job, but not making near enough money to support a family and she's still going to school and I don't have a permanent job, even though my part time job makes a fair amount of money.

    I want to be able to provide for my family and my kid when I have one, but she just wants to get married to start a family. I find it impossible because of the money issue at the moment. If I had a permanent job and she had a better one, then I can see things working out. Anyway, she broke up with me because she feels I'm holding her back. I just don't understand her logic and I try to question her about it. I'm not sure if I should just let it go and move on or what. We have had little problems every now and then but end up working it out and still being together. I just don't know what to do. I have never been in a serious relationship like this before so I've never had to break up. I keep re-writing my sentences as well because I don't even make sense. Basically she doesn't want to be 30 years old (which she's 8 years from) and then having a kid. She wants to begin her married life and family life soon and I don't know when that will be for me. Could be a couple years, 5 years, possibly longer. It all depends on when the time is right for me. I'm just in a state where I don't know what to do and I'm hurt.
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    First of all, can I just say that I'm so glad you were sensible. So so many young couples nowadays bend over backwards just because one of the SO's is irrational about what they want. In this case your girlfriend was being totally ridiculous about wanting to be married with kids right this second when it wouldn't be plausible in any way for the both of you. Thank god there are people like you though who stand up for what it smart :bigthumb:

    IMO, sure, you can try to win her back, but only if she realizes SHE IS 22 YEARS OLD AND DOESN'T HAVE TO BE MARRIED WITH CHILD JUST BECAUSE THE REST OF SOCIETY IS PUSHING THAT BULLSHIT.

    It's sounds like you two are on completely different pages about your future, and what most people tend to not realize (until it's too late) is that a relationship can't work under those conditions unless there's massive compromise. Honestly, I'd just let her go. You are young too and should be living it up and going at a pace you seek fit.
     
  3. J-Ace24

    J-Ace24 double down.

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    if you really want to be with her forget the whole "it doesn't fit into my master plan" deal and be with her. money and finances should never be an issue with relationship timetables. Having a kid should also be a separate discussion and not the fact whether you two are together or not. If she loves you, she can wait a few years till you're financially stable to have a kid (trust me it's expensive) plus the fact that she's jealous of a friend with a baby and breaks up with you for that reason only might indicate to you more that you may be Mr. Right Now instead of the one.
     
  4. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Sounds like she's acting confused and irrational; you definitely have your head in the proper place, give her some time/space, if she realizes her wrong perhaps this will save your relationship, otherwise you know you drifted apart.
     
  5. enfiniti

    enfiniti How firm thy friendship ... OHIO!

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    if you realize anything from this forum, plz rrealize women are not logical. They dont look at the big picture. They want the security of a family and once her friends hit that stage, the maternal instincts kick in. You will never convince her that you cannot afford your desired lifestyle if you have kids. Simply wont happen.

    I say it is best this way, if the two of you have a kid, and you dont have a solid job bringing in steady income, money will become an issue. NO DOUBT. Avoid all that business now and look for a grounded woman with her head on her shoulders. Anything else is selling yourself short. Let her go find mr father my baby and bring in the income while you find yourself someone who is likeminded. Hurts now, but in the longrun you will be thankful.
     
  6. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    It's possible that's the real reason she broke up with you but I doubt it. It sounds like the typical young relationship story. This is your first serious relationship and people like to think it will end in marriage but life doesn't work like that. She's probably wanting to be free and get more experience and just using the marriage/kids thing as an excuse. Be glad that she ended things now so you can both get more experience before even considering settling down with someone.
     
  7. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :ugh: This doesn't need to be said to him...he's being the rational one. He loves his girlfriend, he just doesn't love the completely irrational one that thinks they need to be married and pregnant at 22. IMO, it's a perfectly logical reason to break up. They were young when they got together and now they've grown and changed and realized what the other really wants.

    You make it sound as if he could call her right now and get back together with her. That wouldn't solve shit! If she even took him back the problem would still arise "When are we getting married? We've been together 3 years!" Don't you get it? He wants to be with her but is not ready to be married for a few years, the same goes for children...SHE'S the one saying she doesn't want to wait around for this.
     
  8. donpisto

    donpisto New Member

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    It's just tough going through this. I know money will become an issue and it is expensive, she thinks because others have gone through it, it will be fine...but she doesnt know what those couples go through. She doesn't want to have a kid necessarily now, but sees herself getting married shortly and a kid within a few years. She thinks because we have been together for about 3 years it's log enough in her eyes to move to the next step.

    We have little issues that still need to be worked on. I feel not until those kinks are worked out, then we can take it to the next level. She thinks by getting married or living together it will solve it. It doesn't in my opinion, but she wants to come home to her SO...we're both in the same book, but on different pages.
     
  9. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    She wants to be married and pregnant? And she's only 22? Run far away from this girl. If she wants it this badly, she will get it...but i can guarantee it will end badly for her, and she'll either be unhappy, alone, or both.
     
  10. donpisto

    donpisto New Member

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    The issue has come up before and within the past month or two, we know five people who are pregnant. Pretty much each time she said "ooh, i want a baby." It seems to be that is the reason.

    We actually had this conversation before and she knew we were on different pages and wanted to still be together because she wanted to be with me. I asked her how come last time she stayed but this time she's not and she said that she thought I would change. Not sure why I would change my mentality in just a few short months, but I guess anything can happen.
     
  11. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Of course, that's what all relationships come down to, "well we've been together _____....by society's terms we should be married now. I mean that's what all the movies taught me growing up!" But the point is YOU are not ready, whether that's because at heart you truly don't want to marry her or something is holding you back I don't really know, but I know that's what she's thinking. In her insensible young mind that's definitely what she's thinking. She's thinking you're not ready to commit and honestly I think it's for the better.

    Clearly you both don't agree on what a reasonable time in your lives to get married is. Money is a totally understandable issue to come up; maybe young people don't agree, but the older they get and the closer they get to an actual serious relationship they will realize money and security in life is one of the most important things as a couple.

    She's making the mistake that I think almost every coupe makes, which is why our divorce rate is so high....and that is "moving in together/getting married/having a baby will fix ALL our problems!!!" And of course that is the dumbest most immature thought of all. Those people make me sick.
     
  12. donpisto

    donpisto New Member

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    I am holding back because I want to fix our little problems. Sometimes we don't communicate properly. I need to control my frustration a bit more and she needs to let me know if something is bothering her rather than me trying to guess.

    Money is an issue for me because I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I've been through that even though I didn't have it too bad, but it still was not something I want to go through again.

    And you're right, TV and society seem to tell us when to get married. I would love to spend the rest of my life with her but I want to make sure we don't end up being part of the population that support the increasing divorce rate.

    I did think my first relationship would be the same person I end up marrying, it just didn't happen. One thing I don't ever want to go through is divorce, which is why I want to make sure I'm prepared for marriage.
     
  13. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Good for you, living paycheck to paycheck is not only a terrible way to live, but even worse if you are ever actually considering starting a family. This is why so many families are poor, because they start their foundation on such rocky ground. I would never get married unless I was completely secure in my career and money status.

    :bigthumb: She doesn't get that now, sadly most young people who get married early don't realize this until they get divorced.

    Still a noble thing to consider. I believe a marriage can work, but you have to obviously work at it and also choose someone that you really truly know and can see through sickness, porrness, health, etc. Most people get married on a whim, or because it feels good or because they just feel it's what you have to do.
     
  14. donpisto

    donpisto New Member

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    We got together on a whim...it was a great start, but now you see the finish. It was kinda lame on my part but the conversation went like so...we were at the movie theater watching the previews, and a thought came to my head, so i said it aloud "what would you say if i asked you to be my gf?". I thought she would say somethin like "it's too early" but she said "i would say yes" and so I paused....then asked if she would be my gf and she said yes. I wouldn't dare thinking of doing that now, especially after going out only a few times. Best to get to know someone before popping any sort of commitment question.
     
  15. phish

    phish hockey crew

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    That's a shitty reason to break up. I'm sure you guys can find a solution that will satisfy both of your needs.
     
  16. 2angelmd

    2angelmd New Member

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    She has no logic she has hormones in place of that.

    Tough break man, call your buddies and cry in your beer for a few weeks.
     

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