Break up or no?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Ass-tastic, Nov 24, 2008.

  1. Ass-tastic

    Ass-tastic New Member

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    (Short version of this story: Been dating someone for 7 yrs. We have a kid together. I see him as just a friend. Complicated. Break up or no?)


    I've been with this guy for about 7 years now, and we have a 2 year old together. I used to be in love with him and wanted to marry him, during the first 3 years that we dated. Then as years went by, I've became less attracted to him. Now I just feel like we're just roommates or friends with benefits. We don't go out together. He spends most of his time on the computer and I sit on the opposite couch watching TV or I'm at work. We hardly ever talk to each other. We probably spend about an hour or two of the day talking and it's usually just me talking about my day or some random crap and him just listening while he's playing on the PC.

    I've told him that I want to break up because I see us as friends. He got upset. We sort of talked it out. Then a couple days passed and he says to me that if we break up that he'll join the Marines so that he won't have to see me every day (since we have a kid and he wants to see our baby but he wouldn't want to see me), and that's always been his dream and the only reason why he's never joined it was because I didn't want him to. He also said he doesn't want to force me to go out with him. If I really don't love him, then I should leave him. But he said that it's my choice and he still loves me and wants to work things out.

    At that time I was having mixed feelings because I didn't want for him to leave me but then again, I still wanted to break up. I just still had feelings for him. So I told him I need to think about it. Well now that I've thought about it, I don't want to hold him back from his dreams. I want him to lead a good life, so I want him to go ahead and join the Marines. And I still want to break up.

    Also, another story into this story (lol)... well there's this guy at my work that I've been interested in. I haven't known him for that long but he seems like a really sweet guy. Well today he handed me his phone number and just said a little comment and then smiled and walked away. Well, um, I'm interested in him but I'm also still in a relationship... a lousy one that I kind of want to end and I don't see it going anywhere. The past year or so, I've only been staying with my bf to please him and my daughter. I can put up with being unhappy in order to please my family.

    I won't cheat on him because I don't want to be a bad example to my daughter. I've also never cheated on anyone in my life because I despise cheating. (My mom cheated on my dad and that's how their relationship ended... I don't want to do that to my daughter and put her though that... I'd rather end our relationship mutually and stuff) But yeah, if we did break up I wouldn't jump into another relationship. I would want time to myself but maybe go on a couple dates, for fun or whatever. I'm just not sure what to do. Should I continue dating my bf to please him and my daughter? (I hate hurting people and I know how much he loves me but he knows that I don't love him...and I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking I'M the reason why her parents aren't together. Know what I mean?) Or should we break up and date other people? I feel kind of selfish breaking up because it will hurt him and it will hurt my daughter as she gets older because her parents aren't together.

    I don't know what to do... Advice? :hs:
     
  2. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    Do not stay together "for the child". Faking something for the benefit of the kid is a lot different then the real thing (A loving family, etc). It can't be faked and your kid will pick up on it after a while.

    The best thing for your child is for both parents to be happy in life doing their own things then miserable in life and just going through the motions.

    Your intentions are good, but it does not work that way.
     
  3. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    how did i know there'd be another guy? lol. do you ever ask him out on a date? or do something?
     
  4. Ass-tastic

    Ass-tastic New Member

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    Well I actually been thinking about breaking up before I met this other guy. He's not the reason for it. :o

    I added him into the thread because I'm not sure if I want to pass up on the opportunity to get to know this person because... I don't know if I should break up with my current relationship. lol

    And for the second (and third question)... I've never asked the other guy out. We just talk at work. Then he gave me his number. He almost asked me on a date once but I think he got shy. (He asked me what I was doing on Saturday night then he changed the subject)
     
  5. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    Ugh. Some guys just don't get. And they never will until they decide to change themselves.

    Don't make yourself unhappy by staying. You deserve better than that.
     
  6. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    .

    If you want to try to add some spice back into the relationship and see if your feels for him return, that is one thing. but staying while you are unhappy is a completely different thing.
     
  7. Torzilla

    Torzilla New Member

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    I dunno, doesnt sound like theres a problem with the relationship except its old and stale... things get boring after 7 years.

    I'd try to see if it can be spiced up and find the reasons you were in love to begin with. Try acting like a new couple again, make time for just the 2 of you away from your child a few nights. But in the end if you're not still happy, you have to do whats best for you.
     
  8. KrissyKrass

    KrissyKrass New Member

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    Nothing wrong with trying and making a connection with your current b/f, instead of the same 'ole boring daily routines. But if you truly know that you are not happy and won't be then you should end it.

    And take this other guy out of the equation. This just makes your judgment cloudy and then your hormones get going.

    If you are leaving for you then go for it. If you are leaving for another, remember the grass could just look greener on the other side.
     
  9. KindlyCuddly

    KindlyCuddly Irina Lazareanu

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    break up with him immediately, let him chase his dreams in the Marines and you can date around. your daughter is young enough that her world won't be shattered by a break up but i guarantee you it will be a lot worse if you stick around now only to split when she's older. it really doesn't sound like your partner will be too shocked about splitting anyway.
     
  10. Arkaybee

    Arkaybee New Member

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    Mother f*cking dawt.


    For the most part life is boring. I don't know what you are looking for in your relationship but it sounds like the both you have gotten lazy. Since you don't have anything holding your relationship together (even a kid isn't a good enough reason for you) you feel that you could be justified in leaving for "something better." Relationships take work. Successfull relationships take A LOT OF WORK. It sounds both of you just got bored of trying. Even though you have a kid together you still want to look for something else because it's not the same as it used to be.

    If you want to be happy, try to do the things that they two of you did when you were happy together. If he doesn't try, then you, yourself, should try. After a while (and I don't mean 2 weeks) he still doesn't reciprocate then you can start looking for something else.
     
  11. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    talking for 1-2 hours a day is a lot of talking. :o

    your feelings for your bf aren't very strong, so it's not fair for you to keep him here and not allow him to join the marines. but then again, wtf is he doing wanting to join the marines when he has a child to support? still, it's his life and his choices. you'll get a part of his paycheck without having to fight for it so that works out for you.

    but whatever you do, don't start seeing the other guy until you break it off with your bf.
     
  12. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    End it. Situation is no good for the kid and you need to be happy in life.

    As long as he wont neglect your child it's easy considering you aren't even married. Do it.
     
  13. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Oh I'm sure they could work on it (if he's willing), but it sounds like she is over it. Once someone is over it there's no use.
     
  14. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    I didn't read the entire thread, but I will make this comment:

    Sometimes staying married is harder on the kids than getting divorced.
     
  15. Ass-tastic

    Ass-tastic New Member

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    Update: Well I talked to him again tonight. I told him that I wanted to break up. Again, he got upset. He doesn't really get why I want to break up. I've tried to explain it, but he thinks there's more to it. I've tried to tell him that the feelings just aren't there anymore. That we are wasting our time and I'd like to move on. I want to fall in love again. I don't want to just keep on with the same thing every day. I don't ever see us getting married and ect. We came to a conclusion that we'd separate for a week and see how things go. After the week is over, we'll see how we feel. If we want to break up, then okay. If not, then we'll get back together. A little separation might be good for us. And he left about 20 minutes ago, to stay at his friend's house.

    Thanks for the responses. I can't really talk to my friends or family about this, and it's nice to see other people's opinions and advice on the situation.
     
  16. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Well, a big part of being married is doing exactly this.

    Not to say you can't shake it up once in a while, but for the most part "routine" just comes with the territory.

    After a week, you will want to get back together. :hsugh:
     
  17. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Sounds like you just want to fall in love again...but you do realize that after the initial falling in love euphoria dies down most likely any relationship you get into is going to feel routine just like this one eventually, right?

    It's one thing if you've tried working and keeping things fresh...but it sounds like you haven't tried anything, like giving up when things get tough, and have a crush on a new guy that is fueling you to move on and feel validated again. Might as well not deny that.

    BTW, next time don't make an AE, just have me post anonymously for you.
     
  18. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Ok, just read your first reply. Couple of things:

    1. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard of a guy doing this:

    for a relationship, I could be rich. This dynamic is so common it's crazy. And the guy always reacts the same way: avoids the relationship at all costs, holes up on the computer, and/or doesn't talk/communicate with his wife/gf. All because he blames HER for not getting what HE wanted. I heard another girl tell me this same kind of story, and you know what? He's just using it as a fucking excuse to not go out and get the life he wants. It's easier for him to blame you than it is for him to get up off his ass and go get what he wants.

    2. This:

    is the real reason you want a "break" and not a "break up." Get real here. You want an opportunity to "cheat" without it seeming like cheating.

    3. Why don't you try going to counselling first?
     
  19. Ass-tastic

    Ass-tastic New Member

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    When I had this "break up" talk a few weeks ago, he said he'd change. That he'd spend less time on the PC and cuddle and talk to me more. Which he did change for like a week or so. Now he's right back on the PC again... for hours... and we don't do anything together. And I don't want that for the rest of my life. Him over there and me over here. But even when he tried for that week, I still wasn't feeling anything. I don't really have any feelings when we kiss or cuddle. It feels like I'm doing it with a "friend' or something.

    I don't know if he's going to join the marines or not anymore. When I was having that conversation with him earlier, I brought it up that he should join it. He said he doesn't know if he wants to right now and he wants to do it a year from now. :hsugh:


    Actually, no. He asked me if I wanted to "Break up" for this week or "Go on a break"... meaning, do we want to break up or just be separated (but not see anybody). I told him that we shouldn't see anybody else during this week, in case we do end up getting back together. We just need time apart to see how we feel.
     
  20. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Of course he's not going to change. Because he's not fixing the ROOT of the problem. His relationship failing with you is just the symptom of his unhappiness. You want this relationship to work? Then HELP HIM and encourage him to find happiness with his career, not ask him to be better at your relationship.

    Know that he will NEVER change and be better in the relationship until he goes out and finds happiness in himself and his life. You help him fix the things (such as his career) that are making him unhappy, you WILL notice it in the relationship.

    A week break isn't going to do shit, for the reasons I just mentioned. All a week apart is going to do is reinforce the loneliness within each of you, pull you back together where you will make ridiculous promises to each other that you'll both break in under a month.
     
  21. Ass-tastic

    Ass-tastic New Member

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    Yes, I know. You always get that "omg I love him" feeling in the beginning. Then it goes to a routine. I felt "routine" two years into our relationship. Granted, our routine would change every once in a while and we'd get into a new routine. But as I was saying in a post before this one... it feels like I'm just dating a friend. I don't feel any connection when we kiss or cuddle ect.

    I've tried to work on it. I've tried to cuddle up next to him, play with his hair while he's playin on the PC, ask him about the game he's playing and how he's doing in it, go out to eat, ect but I feel nothing when I do it. I feel like I'm just being fake to him because I don't got feelings for him anymore.

    To be honest, I didn't want anyone to know how I was feeling or anything. Not even any moderaters. So that's why I made this AE. But um, I kind of messed up and was hoping nobody caught on. Whoops. :mamoru:
     
  22. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :werd: Like I said before, as long as you're trying as well then you can at least leave knowing you tried. It's the people who give up without trying that will never learn. And don't worry about the AE thing, I know you are not trolling so I could care less, just needed to be said for any other characters who think in the same way :mamoru:

    And Viper is right, A week wont do a thing.

    Can I ask though, if you felt bored after 2 years why go on 5 MORE YEARS? Why have a kid 2 years ago?
     
  23. Ass-tastic

    Ass-tastic New Member

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    So what would you suggest we do? lol
     
  24. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Go to counselling. :dunno:

    If he won't go, go alone.
     
  25. Ass-tastic

    Ass-tastic New Member

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    No, you misunderstood. lol I felt in a routine 2 years into our relationship but I wasn't really bored, I just felt "settled". I don't know if I can explain it. I had love for him back then and I was happy. Now I don't feel that way anymore.
     

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