**after reading over it, i realize that i'm not actually looking for advice or support, i just want to have someone to bitch to. i can't stand going to parties where other people are wasted off their asses doing stupid shit anymore. i find most of the people at my school boring. my best friend graduated last year. i feel no real connection with anyone. sure, i'm a senior now, and i know tons of people who would stop if they saw me to strike a conversation, but i find them hollow, meaningless, a charade. getting to know people used to be fun and engaging - to have them detail their lives and interests and passions ... but now it's almost too easy. they all want to talk about themselves. you just have to ask the right questions. and it's boring. there's usually nothing special about anyone. i find nothing they have to say interesting. i'm tired of academia. i want out of school so bad. it's all bullshit. relationships, even with the most amazing people, depresses me. it's fun for a few weeks, then i can't stand the person. in crowds, i used to run my mouth a lot for no reason, piss a lot of people off, impress a lot of people. that was my game. i don't care for that anymore. it no longer matters to me either way. i've changed. i'm bored. a few years ago, i might have just turned to games or tv shows, but i got bored of those as well. i'm 21, and it feels like i'm already counting off days until i die, but i don't have the balls to kill myself. what now?