SRS Black sheep for unknown reasons

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by BadKat, Dec 18, 2009.

  1. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    Not necessarily looking for advice on this one, but possibly insight? Not sure where I'm going with this...and it might be long to get all my thoughts out and give you guys some background. No cliffnotes will be provided :fawk2:

    I've been extremely hurt emotionally by the Maternal Grandmother. We've never been close, despite my attempts. I was closer, in many ways, to her husband, my StepGrandfather whom everyone called Skippy. He passed away last year :(

    When I was younger, my Mom says Grandma rarely spent time with me. It was like I was completely unwanted by her and no one's ever been able to tell me why. It's like I'm being punished for something I didn't even do. She even lived with us and avoided me at most costs. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn't born to married parents :dunno: I remember very little from the period of time when she lived with us.

    I was the first Grandchild ever born to her. My Mother was her eldest child as well. My Grandmother was only 16 when she had my Mom, my Mom was 24 when she had me and I was 23 when I had my daughter. Apples don't fall far from the tree. You would think tho, that all being young Mothers, all having girls first (FIVE Generations of women all first-borns) would create some sort of bond. When my Aunt J (who was married) had my Cousin, I was abour 4. He was followed by my other Aunt C's two girls and then Aunt J had twins. Only one out of my three Uncles had kids, twin boys who are now 11. Grandma seemed to adore Aunt J & C's kids, but I was always on the outskirts. My Mom and I moved away, but not terribly far, from where my Aunt J lived. But over the years my Mom and I both felt extremely unwanted and our visits began to dwindle until they no longer happened many many years ago.

    Until Skippy's funeral, I hadn't seen my Aunt C's kids since they were more or less babies. One is married and pregnant, the other in College. But Grandma spent plenty of time with them, always having Aunt C's kids to her home for weeks on end during the summer, same with Aunt J's. Grandma would travel the 18 hours to drive to Aunt J's house to spend time with her and her kids. But despite only being a few hours away from Aunt J's, Grandma never came to visit us. We invited her and she always said "We'll see" - Grandma speak for No.

    I visited Grandma the Christmas after my Husband and I got married - this is our 7th Christmas together, so it was 7 Christmas' ago (Christmas of 2003). She seemed to get along with Hubs, Skippy and Hubs and I had a grand old time. Skippy took us around Memphis and showed Hubs and I lots of different sites. He really got a kick out of being able to show us things since neither of us had really spent any time in Memphis.

    When I had my Daughter in Jan 2005, my Grandmother got upset because I wasn't doing things the way she thought I should be. But yet she never said it to me, she called my Mother instead :rolleyes: I let it roll off my back - my kid, not hers, right? In 2006, she finally got to see my daughter for the first time. Skippy I think spent more time with her and bonded with her more then Grandma did. He got a total kick out of getting her to laugh! It was the last time I got to see Skippy alive :hsd:

    When Skippy died last year, I didn't even hesitate. Hubs and I (he's Military) went to the Relief Society who purchased a plane ticket for me to attend his Funeral. He died October 27th, 2008 and his memorial was October 30th. I went without my daughter or husband for financial reasons. There wasn't a moments peace, really and I never got any alone time with any of my family members except my Uncle Don, Aunt C's husband. Before I left, since I knew that the house was going to have to go and Grandma wasn't sure what she was going to do, I let it be known to her that she was always welcome in my home. Whether it was temporary or permanent. All she said was "We'll see".

    Over the last year, I've asked her to at least consider coming out to visit. I always get the same answer "We'll see". I finally stopped calling her because I was always the one calling her and she never called me. I felt like, she didn't want the relationship with me and I was the one making all the effort. Then my Paternal Grandfather had two operations within less then 4 months. He's much older then Skippy was and it made me realize just how much I want my Daughter to have been able to spend SOME time with her Great Grandparents.

    I called my Grandmother the day before Thanksgiving. She's been splitting time between my Aunt J's home in central PA and my Aunt C's home in northern MO. I told Aunt C that I was intending to extend an invitation to Grandma to visit, on my dime. She said "that'll be really nice! I think she'd like that and she'd get to spend some time with that baby of yours!". When I finally spoke to my Grandmother and asked her to come visit, she gave me excuse about eye surgery and doctors appointments and various other things that could "get in the way" and of course the typical 'We'll see' that she always gives.

    I just don't understand. I have her first Great Grandchild. She's about to have 2 more (2 of my cousins are pregnant) and I feel like my Daughter is getting the shaft for the same unknown reasons that I have. My Daughter is completely innocent - I was fucking MARRIED when I got pregnant, unlike HER or my own Mother. You'd think that for as smart and gorgeous and sweet that my girl is, something would melt the ice. She's going to be spending all this time with Aunt C's grandchild and Aunt J's grandchild and she's only met my daughter ONCE. I am sick and tired of always making the effort and not knowing what it is about me that makes my Grandmother not give a damn about me at all.

    My Mom even said to my Aunts "She spends all the time in the world with your kids, there is no reason why she can't go and spend a week with K and her daughter. It's not even like K's asking her to pay for her own flight! They've offered to buy the damn ticket, so why can't she go?" and neither one of my Aunts could give a reason. They both got silent.

    I really don't know what to do about it. I'm not really looking to a message board for answers...more like venting I guess. I actually cried when I got off the phone with my Grandmother last time because I feel so hurt by her actions (and inactions). I feel like, if Skippy was still around, he'd make her see rationally. It's almost like without him, there's no hope. And I don't know what to do.
     
  2. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    No rift that you know of between your mother and grandmother? Have you asked your mother what is going on?

    Either that, or she simply decided you're the black sheep. Its not uncommon for one person in a group to be looked down upon and blamed for problems. The group then gets to project all their negative feelings, emotions, weaknesses, and worries on that person. That gives them validation of their feelings while at the same the denial that they have any problems (its the blacksheep who is now perceived to be the one with the problem).

    The grandmother sounds like she is in charge of a lot of things, and she gets to pick her least favorite as her black sheep. Everyone else will silently play along or enable by trying to convince the black sheep that nothing is wrong. They are thankfull that they are not the one in that position.

    I think scenario 1 is more likely, but scenario 2 is not uncommon. Of course it could be something else entirely but these are possibilities.
     
  3. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    I think the only reason my Mom and her have issues is because my Mom is gay and my Grandma disapproves. But why the FUCK would that apply to me, when I'm straight, married and living a decent life?

    My Aunt C is actually also upset that my Grandmother won't come visit me. She thinks it would be good for her to visit and spend some time with my daughter. My mom talks to her Sister and one of her brothers on a regular bases and my Uncle with the twin boys is actually going to be relocated from TN to ME to be closer to my Mom. My Grandmother is trying to pressure him into staying TN, which is funny because my Grandma isn't even living there, and only my other Uncle is still there and he's looking to relocate somewhere else as well. And yet my Grandma doesn't want either of my Uncles to relocate to MO (where she spends the majority of her time now, with my Aunt C) :dunno: It's like if she could write off my Mom and anyone connected with her (myself and my daughter), she would. She doesn't want my Uncle, my Mom's own Brother to be anywhere close to my Mom. My Uncle isn't listening to her, btw. He's already shipped things up to my Mom in preparation for his move.

    But again, why should the sins of the Mother fall onto the child? It still doesn't make sense.
     
  4. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    That is the reason she doesn't like your mom? If that she can disown her own daughter for being gay, then I don't think logic has much to do with a many of the things she might be doing. You can't really rationalize bigotry or dislike. Its just there.
     
  5. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    But she hasn't disowned her, that's just it. She still talks to my Mom :dunno: if you disown someone, don't you usually cut off contact?
     
  6. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    :dunno: some people are assholes and it gets really confusing when they're family members.

    I'm old enough to accept that there are some family members that I just don't like. If they were not family members, I wouldn't think twice about NOT hanging out with them....ever....it just wouldn't be an issue. I simply wouldn't hang out with them nor would I make any attempt to be civil. I would just accept that they are assholes and move on.

    For some reason, when it's a family member, this is more difficult. Right now, I refuse to talk to one of my brothers because of the way he's been treating our mom. I've written in R2R about him so I won't share it here again but suffice it to say, he can be a first class prick. This is particularly difficult for me because we used to be the 2 closest people of all 2 person relationships in our family...being the youngest of 5 kids, there were a lot of 2 people combinations and we were far and away the closest 2 of any of them.

    I haven't talked to him in over a year and refuse to even call him because of what he's been doing lately. It's difficult and confusing but honestly, I don't want to fucking see him. If he was not family, this wouldn't even be an issue.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2009
  7. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    It's not even about that Cootie. If I had done something, or said something to my own Grandmother, it was as a child. So your argument doesn't really seem valid in this case.

    I actually don't talk to one of my Sisters either (for a reason posted in here before). And she's my 1/2 Sister so she's not related to this Grandmother, so that's not a reason either. It has nothing to do with "they're family so I have to no matter what". I don't hang out with a lot of my family because I simply choose not to. But my Grandmother has been like this my entire life and I can't figure out what it is about me, starting from as far back as I can remember, that would make her react like this towards me.

    If I had done something as a teenager or as a young adult, I could understand it. But I never did. She's just NEVER had time for me, NEVER spent time with me but will spend all the time in the world with my Cousins.
     

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