SRS BiPolar roller coaster riders:

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by ~*Pogovina*~, Feb 25, 2005.

  1. ~*Pogovina*~

    ~*Pogovina*~ Whip it! Whip it good!!

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    May I pick your brains for a bit?

    I've been doing a bit of reading and am finding through my own research that I seem to fall under quite a list of manic/bipolar2 symptoms. I've already gone the psychiatrist route and all that got me was a doctor that shoved ritalin and prozac at me faster than I could chew it all down. when it only helped with some things, she'd just up the doses. at one point, i was taking 80mg prozac twice a day on top of 20mg ritalin twice a day with little improvement.

    I have since dropped the doctor AND the prescriptions (cold turkey :noes: ) and am seeking self-treatment due to, in no better words, being poor as shit with no medical insurance.

    The hardest things I am facing at this point are:

    listlessness- i feel as though I have NO energy whatsoever even though I make an effort to exercise. I can literally sleep all night, get up, eat, go back to sleep and sleep all day. My dauly activities are affected by this and i know that I look like i'm just incredibly lazy to the outside eye, yet I have a huge to-do list in my mind and yearn to check things off. procrastination is a huge issue. This is really a huge issue due to the fact that I WANT/NEED a job but couldn't handle it like this.

    how incredibly easy it is to provoke me. My 13 y/o stepdaughter has found some form of amusement in seeing how quickly she can intice me into an uproar by nitpicking every syllable that escapes my lips. I don't intend on fighting or arguing, but it's like I start with "no, that's not what I said" and it ends with one of us either furious or crying- OR BOTH! And it happens in RECORD quickness... sometimes just a matter of minutes.

    and worst of all, impulse behavior. Not money spending neccesarily, but simply the inability to think things through before i act. I make decisions that "seem" ok at the time, but end up absolutely horrible in the end. I wont get into details but i have within the last year made decisions that not only risked my marriage, but my life. Had I taken 2 minutes to think it through, I would NEVER in a million years do these things, but i tend to gravitate to them for the pure stimulation of it. (regardless of what it may be, something as small as speeding all the way up to something as big as drugs)

    The smaller list includes anxiety, panick attacks, generalized depression, moodiness/mood swings/irritability etc.

    The most frustrating part about all of this is that while some of the symptoms were always there but never diagnosed/acknowledged by my doctors, some of these things (and moreso the SEVERITY of them) didn't manifest until i was in my early-mid 20's- I'm only 27 now.

    i think that I am going to tackle this on a large scale by behavior modification therapy, but am not quite sure how to keep myself in check with this system. Furthermore, I need to figure out how to at least quelch the BIG things so that i can focus on the whole of the problem AND all of its parts.

    any advice appreciated, although "go get diagnosed by a good doctor" will likely go in one ear and out the other- on purpose.
     
  2. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    :wave:

    bi-polar and also obsessive/compulsive here.

    the obsessive compulsive is finally aimed at something healthy in my life - working out. the working out has helped with my energy.

    as for meds, I don't take any scribed ones right now.

    I do take two supplements that have helped quite a bit - but admit that there may be a placebo effect there as well.

    5htp - it's supposedly the downstream metabolized variant of tryptophan which is currently banned. it's supposed to help either with the absorption of seratonin in the brain, or perhaps stimulate extra seratonin - can't remember exactly. it was helping my moods a bit, and was helping me sleep. For some reason my chronic insominia is back, this week I didn't manage much more than an average of 3 hours of sleep per night - yet somehow the energy is still there, and has been since last august.

    about a month ago, I started on st. john's wart. read a study that showed it nearly as effective as some very very heavy drugs in combatting depression.

    My partial nagging fear is that none of the above is actually working, and that I'm just riding a prolonged manic swing :hs:

    at least for now, I'm down 30lbs, 5" on the waist line and fit enough to start running again in a couple of weeks (My cardio is stationary bike - cadence at 90 rpm and the resistance high enough to cause me to grimace and be breathing very deeply/rapidly by 10 minutes into it for up to 40 minutes at a time - completely drenched with sweat when I'm done :) )

    On none strength training days, I do 6-10 sets of 40 pushups per day, and other misc. floor exercises such as crunches, dips, etc. Did I mention I'm a bit obbessive compulsive?

    The endorphins from working out have also helped me tremendously. Also, my newly regained fitness level have helped me in other ways. I have also found that the power of the "O" 6-8 times per week keeps me somewhat balanced.

    My wife and I have had our troubles off and on, but back in November we both made a committed effort to rebuilding our marriage. That alone made a tremendous difference in both of our moods - knowing that we're legitmately working toward common goals, on the same team etc. - brought back a tremendous sense of security and stability in both of our lives which are otherwise complete chaos and essentially out of our control.

    Just as I have made a concerted effort to work on myself physically, I have decided that I can make the same level of effort in my relationship with my wife, in my faith, and my emotional/mental well being. I still lapse sometimes, into railing about what I don't have that I want, or feel that I deserve - but have found that it's healthier to concentrate on my blessings.

    In fact, I have removed myself from the influence of a large circle of friends, and colleagues that love nothing more than to bitch about what they don't have than to look at their blessings - it all dragged me down, and they got tired of hearing me tell them to wake up and look around themselves. Last I heard, two of them are mixed up in office affairs with other colleagues. I'm very glad I got out when I did, else I very well may have ended up mixed up in an even deeper mess.

    I seem to recall reading that you were too in the midst of a huge personal upheaval. don't underestimate the huge impact that will and can have on your life.

    And while there is much we can't control, we can control how we react to things. We can take a few moments here and there to remember just how bad it could be... All of us, and all of our loved ones are literally hanging onto life by a thread. Don't fear it, but rejoice in each and every moment you have to share with them.

    We all are just a mis-step on a curb in front of a bus away from death or worse. We all are just a cerebral "event" away from a stroke. 9/11 proved how close we all can be to the unimaginable. again, don't live with that knowledge in fear, but rejoice, and be thankful for every moment we have here on this rock we call earth :)

    sorry for the novel, and the chaotic nature of how I flung it together, trying to hurry to get this posted before heading off for a meeting
     
  3. ~*Pogovina*~

    ~*Pogovina*~ Whip it! Whip it good!!

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    I appreciate your input and some of that seems quite familiar. I'm not even taking vitamins right now- which I probably should, I think I'm anemic again.
    I feel great after working out and have found that it is really helpful to my mood but with car troubles, i haven't even been able to go to the gym lately.

    i work so hard and make progress but it seems that I'm prone to a "relapse" at any moment. I sometimes feel that I'm walking on eggshells in an effort to not upset MYSELF!?

    and yes, upheaval would be an understatement. I know that a lot of the chaos in my life revolves around this and i want to get to the core of it so that I can stop putting a bandaid over a gaping wound and calling it "fixed".

    I'm certain that it also doesn't help that my husband has thrown his hands in the air and expects me to fix myself and that he cannot do ANTHING to help me. He has left all of this chaos in my hands and expects me to just rebuild my world with my bare hands.

    I feel that in some small ways I'm OC but I wouldn't be able to pinpoint exactly what about, aside from my inability to let go of a subject of contention until I feel it is resolved. You can imagine how difficult this makes married life- my husband avoids any serious discussion with me in fear that it will blow up into a huge fight. He wants to drop the subject... I simply cant. I simmer in the emotions until they completely consume me and I act out, either verbally exploding or acting irrationally.

    I have always been accused of being a "hippie" due to my love for life and "enjoy every moment as though it were your last" mentality, but with the events of the past few years stacking up, it's actually becoming hard to enjoy the simple things in life.

    Serious illness, blending 2 families, problems with exes, money stresses and maritial problems are finally pushing me to the edge.

    I've all but severed my ties to the outside world. i have no circle of friends, don't go out for the purpose of socializing often at all (twice a year MAX) and limit how much I leave my home, not out of fear as much as out of a lack of motivation. I'm an intensely extroverted person yet find no satisfaction or even joy in being around people anymore. It doesn't even matter how much i love them as a person or treasure having them in my life. i have to force myself to even be social with my family... and i live, sweat and breathe for them. i fully believe that my sense of obligation as a wife and mother is the only reason i am still alive.

    again, thanks for taking the time to be so open about this, if i've learned anything its that people with these symptoms tend to not want the world to know about them because of the few assholes out there that just live to take advantage and kick someone while they're down.
     
  4. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    re: exercise - you don't need a gym. On non-gym days, many of those pushups, dips, etc I do here in my cube.

    I did forget to mention that I am mega dosing vitamins as well. A serious B-complex, niacin, and a mega mutlivamen as well as the two supplements I mentioned above. I also do at least two protein shakes a day.

    with respect to your husband and/or communication. may I recomend a book?

    My wife and I are completing this sunday an open session - not quite counselling, but in our experience more effective. 8 of us couples and a mentor couple based on the book: "Divorce proof your marriage". Not sure that such a thing is totally possible as it requires the honest efforts of both parties. But ignoring what may be a poorly named title, it's a good book - especially after the first 2 or so chapters.

    The lines of communication and understanding opened up immensely for me and my wife with only a couple of weeks into this 12 week course. We relearned that we're on the same team, and that we need to realize that past perceived injustices need to rest in the past if we're going to move forward.

    IT's still not easy, especially for me, the OC one - her family caused a LOT of intereference and grief between us as an example.

    I was finally able to vent that to and with her - somehow we did our venting in a way that we knew it was our own perceptions of the events that also caused the damage, and our own fears to confront the other with it for fear of hurting the other.

    eventually tho, one starts resenting the perceived inability to vent that stuff, and/or deeply communicate, and it turns into a vicious cycle, spiralling further downward.

    as for the assholes kicking when down - I've had more than my share of that. Even in my professional life my role is to respond, and provide support/problem solving. My entire family, friends, and colleagues use me in similar roles.

    When it came to my time of need, I very quickly found out who was truly a friend, and who wasn't. Quite simple after that to remove myself from those that wanted to hurt, or keep me down.
     
  5. ~*Pogovina*~

    ~*Pogovina*~ Whip it! Whip it good!!

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    i respond best to cardio, but have a limited amount of exercises I can do due to my previous hip surgery and the daily pain i live with. my health is a large factor in depressive episodes. I use an elliptical at the gym and love it.

    I'm 100% sure that this is not an option. He is DONE being supportive, and is protecting himself via withdrawing himself emotionally.

    I have already determined who my real friends are. Being in a hospital for weeks with cancer drove the fakers away and held the REAL ones close to me. Unfortunately, they all have productive and busy lives and most of them have moved away since then. There is only 1 that I am in contact with on a regular basis and he is quite busy with school and his own lifes drama- which I have done my best to help him with.
     
  6. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

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    80mg of prozac AND ritalin would have set you off like a rocketship if you are indeed bipolar.

    May just be clinical Depression.... prozac sets me off like a madmad.

    Remember, 6% of men are clinically depressed, 12% of women, but men and women, overall, have about equal numbers of bipolar disorder.

    so it may just be clinical depression... just food for thought.
     
  7. ~*Pogovina*~

    ~*Pogovina*~ Whip it! Whip it good!!

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    I feel that I truly have BP2. i acted out more radically WHEN I did have the "manic" phases kick in but prozac did help some when I was depressed. All I know is that it simply wasn't working as a whole and my doctor just kept increasing the dosage instead of listening well enough to give a proper diagnosis.
     
  8. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

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    20 mg of prozac really set me off.. like I was doing summersaults and planning skitrips in July to go to southern Chile... so trust me when I tell you this, 80 mg of prozac would have turned you into a raving lunatic.
     
  9. ~*Pogovina*~

    ~*Pogovina*~ Whip it! Whip it good!!

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    if you asked my husband, he would likely tell you that I was flopping back and forth between intolerable irrational insanity and slightly depressed. i was hell to live with. it's scary to think that I am so much better WITHOUT medicine.
     
  10. BP2 here. 20 mg. Prozac and 400 mg. Trazodone made it worse. My new shrink said the old shrink "didn't do me any favors" by putting me on it. I too was flopping back and forth between intolerable irrational insanity and depression. My new shrink found the right "cocktail" for me. Finally, after 17 years of shrinks. I take 20 mg. Lexapro, 200 mg. Trazodone, 1800 mg. Trileptal, and 2 mgs. Xanax. It has virtually made the anxiety, panic attacks, generalized depression, mood swings, and irritability go away. :)
     
  11. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    I know what you mean about the vast majority of the problems from being bipolar hitting you in your mid 20's. I am 25 and it seems like this past year has been the worst so far concerning my bipolar disorder. I started cutting myself again and landed in the hospital for the second time. I am now on 1000 mg Depakote, 20mg Lexapro, 2 mg Risperdal, 100mg Trazadone (only when I have an occasional moment of excitement and can't sleep) and 1mg 4 times a day of Klonopin. It doesn't help that I don't have much in the way of a support group, mainly because when I was discharged from the hospital I got so mellow I just didn't want to go anymore. I know I need to be around people that understand how I feel and that somedays its ok to feel crazy because I am. I have also done risky things such as drugs and excessive drinking on my medication knowing its not the best thing for me. I just have to keep telling myself that as long as I continue with my meds I will be a better person for it.
     
  12. ~*Pogovina*~

    ~*Pogovina*~ Whip it! Whip it good!!

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    that's the perfect way of putting it: flopping between intolerable irrational insanity and depression. that's EXACTLY it.

    I want so badly to do this without the aid of medication. :( It doesn't look likely though.
     
  13. ~*Pogovina*~

    ~*Pogovina*~ Whip it! Whip it good!!

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    I've been tempted to cut although I've never been a cutter... but I know how my family would react to me cutting, so somehow that has fended me off. (that and a lack of cutting utensils)
    I really enjoy being around other people that understand that not being 100% perfect is ok, and we all have our problems... that's something I can't find in him. he expects perfection out of an imperfect being. Anything beyond his expectations is a "purposeful intent to damage the relationship/hurt him/hurt the kids" (although it's really not...)
    I've done a lot of things that didn't seem stupid at the time, but really were when I was able to step back and think about it. unfortunately, I'm aware that self criticism is at its best when you are depressed, and not on par at all when you are "manic". I see myself as friendly and social, others see me as almost agressively social and overly friendly. (which can send mixed signals...)
    so on and so forth... I'm sure you can relate.
     
  14. arnderson

    arnderson New Member

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    this may sound like a simple fix but give it a try, 500mg. of magneisum in a divided dose if you are of average wait and no suger of any kind. I think you will find your symtoms will ease up of over a 2 week period, so keep taking the magnesium if they do.
     
  15. ~*Pogovina*~

    ~*Pogovina*~ Whip it! Whip it good!!

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    no sugar at all? :hsd:

    I'll give it some research and a try :)
     

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