SRS Biological mother...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Thought Thinker, Dec 1, 2009.

  1. Thought Thinker

    Thought Thinker Circling the drain.

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2007
    Messages:
    1,965
    Likes Received:
    0
    Alright, long story short... I don't know my biological mother, my father raised me. I met her once when I was around 16 years old, and I am now 28. I'm in CA, she's in TX. After our initial visit/meet we lost contact again. I think it was too much too soon and it was just weird.

    Fast forward to today, I'm married with a child. The last couple weeks out of no where I decided to start searching online. The search was generally easy and I e-mailed her husband, and then we got in contact through e-mail.

    We've talked, and sorta caught up and she continuously apologizes for being so stupid, making bad decisions, and being unable to care for me and causing my Dad/Grandparents so many problems. I mean I get it, people make bad decisions and change.

    If someone asks me about the situation I always said I didn't care, and I still kind of think I don't. I mean she's just another person to me. I wouldn't know her any differently than another stranger on the street, yet I am the one who sought her out... but why? I can't figure it out. She says any questions I can just ask and she will truthfully answer them, but I have nothing. Will I ever accept her as a motherly figure? She keeps referencing things like she would give anything to see my son, my wife and I, but I don't know if I could ever do that. It's a distant thought in the least.

    I'm just confused. It's like, why did I contact her? Did I do it as a "look at me now" kinda thing? Re-reading some of our first e-mails I made it a point to tell her every major accomplishment in my life, the jobs I've had, colleges I was accepted into and so on. The funny thing is I thought I was keeping to the topic of conversation but I kinda turned it into a me me me thing unknowingly. One part of me thinks she deserves to have some sort of relationship with me, as I am a father now and I can only imagine what she's going through, and another part of me just wants to be like look what you've missed out on.

    So I don't know the purpose of this thread. Just sharing this weird situation with others who might have some advice or words for me. :hsd:

    Cliffs: Read my post.
     
  2. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2002
    Messages:
    15,741
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Wellington, Florida Bitches!
    I think you started looking for her because deep down you wanted to know what she was up too, where she was, etc.

    Her apologizing for everything is normal with someone in her situation. She feels bad and its something she's had to live with and will continue to have to live with the rest of her life.

    Its ok to be confused. Its a big thing.
    I think you contacted her because you want to know more.

    As for the email to her where it turned into a "me me me" thing; I think that was just you telling her everything you accomplished and trying to show her what she missed out on and showing her that you did perfectly fine without her.

    I think in the long run, you should consider having your family meet her. I also think you should give her a shot. You should tell her how you feel but also remember what happened in the past is in the past. Move forward. Include her in your life, if she wants it.

    She may have missed out on you growing up but she has a chance to be their now for your son. I think its worth a shot.
     
  3. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    As the Wife of someone in a similar situation, I say Kudos.

    I agree w/ Guz, the email about "me me me" was your way of reaching out to her. You have to start somewhere. I think it may have also (unintentionally) been meant to hurt her, as Guz stated, a way to show her all your accomplishments without ever having her involved in your life. In some ways, that's a slap in her face. In other ways, it also shows what a strong person it is that she gave life to and how she can be proud to know that while she wasn't there for you during your childhood, she may have done the best thing she could have for you then. And look at what you managed to do?

    She is never entitled to more then you are willing to give her, as far as a relationship goes. You owe her nothing, but in return, she doesn't really owe you much more even if you think deep down that she does. Everyone thinks that because a parent wasn't involved in their childhood, they are suddenly "owed" something from that person. I don't believe that to be true. In some cases, what they did for you by not being involed is more often then not the best thing that could have ever happened to you.

    I'd say that it's okay if you want to pursue a relationship with her, but yet keep her at a distance, see how things go. It may turn out that she's not the type of person you want in your life (some of use have those, but because they actually raised us, we're stuck with them!) But I also say Kudos for even making an attempt. That's more then some people ever do.
     
  4. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Messages:
    50,586
    Likes Received:
    157
    Location:
    Dingoland
    You want to know who she is, because:
    a) you know that the way you parent your child has a direct link to her absence in your life. be it a good thing or a bad thing, you want to see how much of your parenting is you (and your biology) and how much is because your mum left.
    b) you want her to know how well you turned out without her help. That you did it 'on your own'. That even though she walked out tyou were still able to create a life you never had.
    c) you are curious as to where she is, and how much you actually missed.
    d) you are human and you want to know your mother and until you actually know her you can't decide to walk on or stay
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Every child naturally wants to have a loving relationship with the parents, its because of survival reasons, and the lack of this bond will feel like a loss thru-out your entire life.

    If i were you i would revitalize the relationship with you and your mother, it would also be nice for the children to have a grandmother they can visit. But you have to explain the situation carefully to them so they know what they are up to.
     
  6. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Messages:
    50,586
    Likes Received:
    157
    Location:
    Dingoland
    edited
     
  7. Thought Thinker

    Thought Thinker Circling the drain.

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2007
    Messages:
    1,965
    Likes Received:
    0
    So confusing. Not the replies... the situation.
    It's hard.

    I've only told my wife, and my Grandparents I've been in contact with her. My Grandparents raised me until I was five, and from the time my biological Mom went her ways, until I was about 20, she contacted my Grandparents on occasion just to check up and make sure I was ok. My Grandparents just never told me, or made it an issue.

    I feel that if my Dad knew I was in contact with her he would be hurt, but his situation is different than mine, she left him AND me and he had to deal with it.

    I'm still confused. She seems different now... it will just take time.

    Thanks for the responses everyone.
     

Share This Page