SRS Big problems with this girl

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by busydoingnothing, Feb 4, 2007.

  1. busydoingnothing

    busydoingnothing A broken man too tough to cry

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    I've had a very fucked up relationship with this girl. We've been friends for a year, but initially met under the idea that we would date. We fooled around a bit but never decided to be more than friends. A lot has gone down between us, and needless to say, things have been rocky.

    We did end up having sex many times during the friendship. We would fight and say that we shouldn't have sex any more, yet after that, we would still have sex. Sometimes she would initiate, sometimes I would. It would seem that we were both irresponsible.

    She says that she only had sex with me because she wanted to be close to me (she wanted a relationship and I didn't). She's saying that because I had sex with her without feeling the same way, that I basically used her.

    One time, in a heated argument, where she spitting out her venom, making me feel like a piece of shit who treated her like a piece of shit for using her, I said something like "fuck, you make me sound like I'm a rapist." We argued about that and I was extremely taken aback by the fact that she would make me feel that way.

    Now things have really fucked up, and we're pretty much through. We had a last fight, and here's what was said towards the end:

    Her: and you used me like a rapist
    Me: wait wait wait
    Me: are you calling me a rapist
    Her: im calling you a user
    Her: for the simple fact you can fuck someone with no feeling
    Me: are you seriously calling me a rapist?
    Me: do you fucking know what that word means? how old are you?
    Her: keep talking
    Me: if you are seriously saying that...
    Her: well lets see
    Me: then that pretty much puts the lid on everything. that seals it. that's all she wrote.
    Her: you knew how i felt about you
    Me: woah woah woah
    Her: and you continued to fuck me
    Me: are you defending it now?
    Me: you're actually calling me a rapist
    Me: and you're defending it.
    Her: if i were you id stop talking
    Me: please, look at yourself honestly and see what you're doing.

    She's calling me a rapist and defending it. Me being ultra paranoid, I'm like, "what the fuck?" Rape is NOT a word you throw around like that, and certainly ACUSE someone of wrongly.

    She said she's saving the entire conversation and sending it to this girl in my class that I've been talking to (just talking...for a week...apparently she has a boyfriend...we hung out last night at her friend's house...nothing happened). She's threatening to go to her boyfriend to. I would not put it past her to do this.

    I'm freaked the fuck out and I don't know what to do about this. She's actively trying to ruin me. I really need advice.
     
  2. busydoingnothing

    busydoingnothing A broken man too tough to cry

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    I'm definitely cutting her off. I had fully intended to do so tonight after we went out to eat...that was it. We argued and all that stuff, she said some mean shit and so did I. Then, stupid me, she started talking to me online and I didn't step away from it.

    I think it's the fact that I brought up the word "rapist" first may have fucked things up. Our one argument where she was saying that I just used her for sex and shit made me sound like I was a rotten human being, and I felt like she was calling me a rapist, so that's the word I used. Big mistake.

    There was never a point where I forced myself on her. I never forced her into sex. When we did have sex, it was pretty rough, because that's how she liked it. Slapping, choking sometimes. But believe me, it was all consentual. She would say stuff like "hurt me," so obviously that's what I'd do to an extent.

    She's also blaming it on being drunk. The thing is, with her, we drank EVERY time we hung out. It was a rare occassion when she or I or both weren't drunk. She goes to the bar most nights out of the week, and pretty much always gets drunk. She has an obvious drinking problem. I never, ever looked at it in a way where I was like, "she's drunk, I'm going to fuck her." I never took advantage of that.

    The thing of it is, there have been many times where she would initiate. The first time we had sex after saying we wouldn't do it anymore, she initiated it. It was her birthday and we spent it together. She was in her room and I went in to hug her goodbye and she literally pushed me on to the bed, got on top, and said, "you're not going anywhere."

    Ultimately, we have always been 2 consenting adults. This is her way of getting back at me for not recipricating her feelings. The fact that she used sex as a way to get close to me KNOWING that I didn't want to be in a relationship but also KNOWING that I wouldn't refuse it is pretty fucked up to me, and really says a lot about who she is. I know, I know I should have said no, I know I should have pushed her away and refused. I take the blame for that. But no way did anything we do ever come close to rape. That's just fucked up.
     
  3. 311-420

    311-420 New Member

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    she fucking loves you dude..she'll do anything to keep you for herself. think about it.
     
  4. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    :werd:

    And she hates your utter and complete lack of self control, and she has been testing you and you've been failing over and over again.

    Here's the best example I can think of to illustrate: You're having sex, and the girl says to come inside of her, and you do. Then she gets pissed off. Why? Because you were supposed to have enough self control NOT to come inside of her.

    It boils down to the fact that she tests you (gets upset) and you react like a little boy in some way. You are acting LESS mature than her. She would be more attracted to you if you were able to bite your tongue and stop being an asshole. You still do have to make decisions she does not agree with (as in say No every once in a while) but you can stop being such a little bitch about things.

    You told her you just wanted sex, she wants more. Never mind this whole "who initiated it" bullshit, remember that you were supposed to cut her off when she got pissed off at you. You failed because you kept going. In this case, when she called you a rapist, you should have replied with something more mature like "It's too bad you're so upset. Call me when you're in a better mood." and disconnected.

    And WTF are you doing communicating over IM? That is the BEST way to cause problems in your relationship. It's a BUSINESS tool which strips ALL emotion and feeling and is EASILY misunderstood. Did you know that 95% of communication is non-verbal and has to do with body language? So if you can't see her, where is that body language? It's gone. Same for the phone. IM, SMS, and phones should be used to make dates and that's pretty much it. If you DO have to use IM, you need to use more smilies and NEVER BE SERIOUS!

    If I were you, I would delete the IM program from your computer, and tell her "It's too hard to communicate over IM, so I'm not using it any more. Nothing personal, but it's bad for us."

    I'd also back it down a little. Apologize (just this once, do not make a habit of this.) Tell her "You know, what you said really made me think. Yes, I've mis treated you and it won't happen again. I'm going to be a much better man."

    (nothing personal, just getting your attention here... :mamoru:) Then, asshole :slap: ... stop lying! If she says you should not have sex any more, tell her the TRUTH! "I'd be lying if I said I would never have sex with you. However, if you feel that strongly about it, then you should stop seeing me." Boom. :eek3: You said it. You put it on her. You told her what you will or wont do, you told her to make her own decisions. And you were HONEST with both her and yourself.

    And - do it in a MATURE and CALM way. You know, like an adult? ;)

    All women are looking for a man who has self control (isn't scary or a jerk or rude but can say what needs to be said), self confidence (to tell the truth about what he wants, because he's worth it), and is a challenge (isn't a kiss ass.) You seem to lack self control because you're a jerk to her. The problem is that SHE has control over you. It's like she's your mother punishing you, and you're "falling for it." Women do NOT want a man they can control. They want a man who makes decisions, has his own way of doing things, and takes control of himself and the situation in a mature way.

    How could you have proved that to her? Well, probably a long time ago you could have told her the truth, ala "This is a sexual relationship. If you don't want to have a mature relationship, there is no point in us lying to ourselves and trying to 'be friends'. I'm not looking for female friends."

    How could you have done that HERE?

    Her: and you used me like a rapist
    Me: wait wait wait
    Me: are you calling me a rapist
    Her: im calling you a user
    > She is getting your attention because you're too stupid to pick up on her signals otherwise. No, dumbass, she did not call you a rapist, she called you a sex machine. And you went and got all fucking spoiled brat serious on her. You COULD have tried to blow it off, flirt, joke, whatever (although you would have needed to do that months ago, not really appropriate any more...)

    Her: for the simple fact you can fuck someone with no feeling
    Me: are you seriously calling me a rapist?
    Me: do you fucking know what that word means? how old are you?
    Her: keep talking
    > Her: Dumbass, I got you now. I have you wrapped around my finger, complete control. I sure have your attention now! :rofl:

    Me: if you are seriously saying that...
    Her: well lets see
    Me: then that pretty much puts the lid on everything. that seals it. that's all she wrote.
    Her: you knew how i felt about you
    > You're a fucking dumbass. You SHOULD have said "Yes, I know you have strong feelings for you, and in case you didn't notice I think you're pretty wonderful, too. Now let's stop lying about all this BS and get over it."

    Me: woah woah woah
    Her: and you continued to fuck me
    > What else could you have said here? Maybe "I've always been up front. I do find you attractive. But your behavior, your anger, has made you less attractive. Yes, I have still been intimate with you [note: not saying "fucked you"] and I watch your behavior to determine if I should continue to do so. Do you really think I am intimate with you and never expect anything to come from it? The problem is when you act like a spoiled little brat it's very ugly, and it makes you less of a woman.

    Me: are you defending it now?
    Me: you're actually calling me a rapist
    Me: and you're defending it.
    Her: if i were you id stop talking
    > Yeah, you missed the point, and you SHOULD stop talking. You should have just disconnected and deleted your IM program. I doubt she'd talk to you like that in person.


    Me: please, look at yourself honestly and see what you're doing.
    > Looks like someone needs to take his own advice. You really don't understand what is going on. She is CONTROLLING you. And you have NO self control. You need to get with the program. If she is going to be argumentative, tell her "Hey, you're not in a good mood, call me when you are feeling better." and then hang up. That's it. Stop rewarding the bad behavior. Don't be a jerk to her, either. Have some fucking self respect and self control.

    The second you lose self control, you are her bitch. So ... how do you think you could handle this better? Yeah, I know, it IS hard, it WILL be tough, but you have to learn how to do it sooner or later. May as well start now! :x:
     
  5. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Neither of these women are worth going after. Any woman who is going to send a conversation to another woman you are interested in like that is attempting to manipulate you. IF she was truly raped by you, then it would be a justified warning to this other girl.

    And what's the deal with this other girl telling her bf? Why would she not just leave you alone, ignore you, and wait to tell your bf if something happened. Nothing has happened between you guys, so why is she running off to her bf like a little girl?

    Stay away from the main girl who is calling you a rapist. Stay away from the other girl, who now has a messed up opinion of you, which would be hard to recover from. Besides, she has a bf anyway.

    Start fresh, and move on with your life.
     
  6. xotox

    xotox xotox

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    If she's throwing "rape" around that easily, she might very well cry it to the police after a future sex session. (Always wear the rain coat, never throw it in the bathroom trash). Cut and bail, dude. It appears to me that she's emotionally immature or unstable. You don't need that in your life.
     
  7. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Ah, yes, I did forget to mention that I would not waste my time on these women, but to learn from them instead. :wavey:
     
  8. Outspoken_Hetero

    Outspoken_Hetero New Member

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    Fella you said it all right there
    love is a strange thing in some people it creates feelings of happiness and joy beyond any fathomable scale, in others intense instability and agression.
    This girl cleary loved you, no matter how you may look at it she still loves you. you used her my good man you used her to satisfy your physical needs and now your lamenting the consequences.
    every action has its reprocussions and your now placed amidst those caused by yours.
    i feel no sympathy for you because:
    A.You knew of her feelings ( i know for a fact ,it is impossible not to know in your cirumstance)
    B.You disregarded A to satisfy yourself

    in the future some self control would be key, and learn not to fuck others over (literally) for your own personal benefit.
     
  9. katatat

    katatat you're outta your league Donnie

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    Damn, that's some shit. As far as advice goes. Don't talk to her. I've been in somewhat of a similar situation as well. What it was, was that someone I loved and I were fooling around and I had been repeatidly saying that I didn't wanna have sex but at some point he started to and I let it happen for about a minute and then told him to stop and get off because I didn't wanna have sex; after that I started bawling, I was curled up crying my eyes out telling him how I was so hurt that he did that. We went round and round as to whether or not it really was rape. To this day we still don't know what it really was.

    As far as you go, just let her be immature and when it comes back around, you should be able to defend yourself. It can not be considered rape if she was in on the act and was not telling you to stop or something to that effect. And far as for the future goes, make sure you know all of what is being thought and felt before doing it, yeah it'll take another additional thirty minutes or so, but you won't screw yourself over in the end.
     
  10. busydoingnothing

    busydoingnothing A broken man too tough to cry

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    Thanks for all the advice guys. We've pretty much cut off on better terms now. When she was spewing all her shit at me, she was angry and drunk (as usual). She apologized the next morning for most of it and sent a nice(r) reply to the nice message I had sent to her before our last huge fight.

    It's been a big lesson, my whole relationship with her. I need to stop being so selfish and really think about how I affect other people. I've always accepted half the responsibility for the sex, it just angered and frustrated me that she thought she could get away with not accepting her half and instead trying to blame me for everything. Live and learn, eh?
     
  11. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Wow, great catch there. Why would you want to be with a girl who is usually drunk and angry?

    You can do so much better.
     
  12. ledzep73

    ledzep73 New Member

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    I had a girl say shit like that before, so I got a good idea of how you feel. She has issues, and big ones. She wants to be with you, has known the feeling is not mutal, and still hangs around. Guys shouldn't chill with girls that have friendzoned them, girls should fuck guys that have friendzones them. You should have known that sleeping with her was sending her the wrong signals, but she knew you said you didn't want to be with her, but she didn't know you didn't want to be with her, so she still had sex with you. She probally doesn't understand what you get out of having sex with her is alot different that what she gets from it.
     
  13. busydoingnothing

    busydoingnothing A broken man too tough to cry

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    We were never dating, we were just close friends who fucked occassionally. She wanted a relationship and I didn't. I knew I couldn't be anything more than friends with her due to the way she is.
     

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