SRS BF Quittin Smoking?....hope his plan works or else i'm gone

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Aliane, Sep 28, 2004.

  1. Aliane

    Aliane Guest

    When i met my bf a year ago he smoked, and i thought it was really disgusting. He told me he wished he had never started and i understand how he feels because my father is 43 and has been struggling to quit smoking since I was born, probably even before then.

    Anyways, my bf now has rather bad teeth, which can be a turn off, and other things that i cant stand like the Smell of cigarettes in his hair, on his clothes, and on his breath. A few months into the relationship we made an agreement that he would only have one smoke a day. For several months he did that, well most of the time. Sometimes he would beg and beg for a second smoke, if something was upsetting him or he was really excited. What really hurt is when I asked him to put a cigarette out, he would try to get in as many puffs as he could before i got mad and put it out for him. I have even pulled over the car on the side the interstate and physacally taken his cigarette and thrown it out the window for him, because he couldnt seem to be mentally and physically strong enough to do it himself. He has upset me greatly doing things like this.

    He refuses to use any method to help him quit, such as smoke away or the patch. I do understand that they dont work that well, but they do HELP. His excuse is that he doesnt like taking pills, that they always get stuck in his throat. Which could be true, because he didnt even take ibuprofen when he dropped a 500lb air compressor on his leg...

    Coming up on October 16 is our 1 year anneversary. I told him he has until then to quit, and if he doesnt, I'm leaving. I'm very serious too. He also knows i see right through his attempts to hide it from me. Like last night for instance, he comes inside, and I can smell it on his breath, very strong. I've been around cigarettes since i was a baby, and i know the smell when i smell it. He tried to lie to me, for 10 minutes. I said "the more you lie to me to cover up when you smoke behind my back, the more likely i'm going to leave you when oct 16 comes..." Going behind my back is a very bad mistake, because i always know when he does it. He eventually admitted it, further proving my point at how useless it is to lie to me about something like smoking a cigarette.

    Anyways. Last night he claimed that was his last one, ever. I have a very hard time beliving him....because
    1. he works with my dad, and my dad probably offers him all the time, at least i know he works around 2nd hand smoke all the time...
    2. he goes behind my back all the time, even after i tell him how much that hurts me and that i will find out every time


    Should i believe him? I have tried everything, talking about it, being nice, asking him, then to begging him, getting furious, taking physical action (such as ripping apart a pack of his smokes), to threats of leaving him. i dont know what to do, but i am 100% serious about leavin on October 16 if he doesnt really quit. I've told him to use aids to quit smoking, but he refuses. If he thinks Cold-turkey is gonna work for him, then good luck to him, i know it wont work. But regardless, i'm outta here if he doesnt do it.

    Do you think me leaving is too big of a reaction to him not quitting or is it what i need to do to prove to him that i'm serious. I do not want to live with someone who puts something so nasty into their bodies.

    I have already noticed his lungs are starting to feel the effect. I'd have to say about every day he walks around hacking up lungers and clearing his throat and coughing. He is only 23 years old, and i want him to stop while he still can, before he ends up like my father. I love him and I want to see him get better.
     
  2. Aliane

    Aliane Guest

    I'd like to add one day when he was outside moving tree branches out of the driveway, i walked out and saw him smoking, and stood there for at least 2 minutes watching him smoke. Then he looked up and saw me, and tried to be smooth by throwing his cigarette behind him along with a branch he picked up. Does he think i'm stupid or something?
     
  3. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    he won't successfully quit unless he's doing it for himself. threats to leave him or whatever will not have much of an impact on his success.

    you can leave him if you can't be with a smoker, but don't expect to have any bargaining power over him. you really are pretty much completely ineffective at changing him.
     
  4. Aliane

    Aliane Guest

    at the beginning of the post i mentioned that he himself wished that he had never started, and i've actually asked him if he's doing it for me or himself, and i did tell him that he shoudl be doing it for himself before me.
     
  5. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    right, i understand - im just saying don't expect to be able to change him... you can only decide what you can and can't handle and operate accordingly.

    i hope it works for him though
     
  6. blindarrow

    blindarrow New Member

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    If you met him, knew he smoked, and stuck with him, why all the sudden charge to try & change him now?

    Sounds like there's more to this story ...
     
  7. Lima_dat

    Lima_dat Banned

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    Yeah, she hates that he smokes but totally condones his marijuana abuse :rolleyes:
     
  8. Aliane

    Aliane Guest

    marijuana doesnt contain formaldahyde and 300 other deadly chemicals known to cause cancer.....
     
  9. Luciano

    Luciano Guest

    ultimatiums dont work....even when they do they dont.
     
  10. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    :bowdown: exactly

    they may work in the short run but long run functionality is terrible
     
  11. Luciano

    Luciano Guest

    Aliane,
    go to your local smoke shop and pick up a package of "American Spirit" organic (the red bag) and tell your BF that he can smoke that while hes quitting. This is 100% american grown, organic tobacco. It DOESNT contain the toxic additives of commercial tobacco. Its not as good as quitting, but if hes only smoking rollies, he'll smoke less and wean himself off quicker. I have found that rolling your own is greatly satisfying and "feels better" than opening a pck of big tobacco smokes. Hope that helps......PS...Not the forum to advocate pot-smoking.
     
  12. Aliane

    Aliane Guest

    thank you for the idea.....i will try although i'd rather him not smoke any tobacco at all. But if that will work i can try it.
     
  13. Luciano

    Luciano Guest

    Im not saying it "good" for him, but if you think back to before big business....when everyone smoked, (native americans, settlers, everyone at social gatherings, this is the form of tobacco they smoked...It has nicotine, but NO added artificial nicotine, FEW carcinogens.....its a natural plant. Hmmmmmm. i think its okay.
     
  14. Aliane

    Aliane Guest

    i guess its ok to get him off of the marlboros....but as long as he doesnt get too addicted to those, which from what you said i dont think he would. Either those or he can just stick to smoking something else and drop cigarettes all together
     
  15. Luciano

    Luciano Guest

    Thats probably an eventuallity. But threatening him is only gonna use his crutch as wedge between y'all....thats never a good look.
    Unless you personally have fought addiction, suceeded, failed, tried again, failed, and then maybe were sucessful...well im not sure you can totally grasp the depths of addictions. you mentioned that your family has addictions issues, but do you personally?
    Try to be supportive. Be an ally...for as long as prudent
     
  16. Aliane

    Aliane Guest

    yes my dad drinks a 6 pack of beer about every day and smokes 1/2 a pack every day

    he's the only one in my immediate family with that problem though. My uncle smokes and drinks and so do alot of my relatives on my mom's side
     
  17. Luciano

    Luciano Guest

    bear in mind tath a half pack a day is hardly changing the chemistry of your body. "Research" shows (ill get sources if neccesary, just dont have them off hand) that 8 or less cigs a day, though detrimental to your health, wont kill you. BUT theres always that 2% that will get cancer from looking at cigarettes. :shrug:
     
  18. blindarrow

    blindarrow New Member

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    So, how's about instead of an ultimatum, you sit him down and talk to him?

    Nobody likes quitting things because other people make them ... however, if he wants to quit, be a pillar of support for him, not an overlord that's making him.

    Like I said before, there's something amiss here ... sounds to me like you all need to talk about more than just smoking ...
     
  19. Aliane

    Aliane Guest

    i have talked to him before and still do
     
  20. blindarrow

    blindarrow New Member

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    Read my post again, because you missed what I was saying.
     
  21. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    he was suggesting you talk in a constructive non-ultimatum manner. with a new outlook understanding you can't change him.

    if you've truly already done this, explain your results for our collective benefit
     
  22. Aliane

    Aliane Guest

    and what i meant by that is that i have truly sat down and talked to him and asked him what his plan was. he said he wanted to quit, i asked him how. He said "i dunno" The one answer he gives me for everything.
     
  23. blindarrow

    blindarrow New Member

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    So an ultimatum is the better alternative?

    Sit him down, and if any of the "I dunno" bullshit comes up, work with him to develop a plan for quitting.

    You're in a relationship. It involves work. Be there for him.
     
  24. Jesse James

    Jesse James Guest

    I know this is rude, but oh well... this isnt really a "road to recovery" thread.

    Giving him an ultimatum is useless. Honestly, you sound SUPER controlling. You got with him when you knew he smoked and now you want him to quit. He will only quit when he is comforted and supported... not pressured and having you watching him from the damn windows like a hawk. Can I ask your age? I had a girlfriend do stuff like this when I was 16 and it drove me away... Honestly, if he wants to quit, he will do it for himself. If thats not what you want... than just leave him cause it sounds like hes not ready to quit. I wouldnt quit if I had to put up with you staring over my shoulder 24-7
     
  25. blindarrow

    blindarrow New Member

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    Heh ... exactly what I was wanting to say, although I was going for the sly, implied way.

    Good way of putting it.
     

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