SRS BF help.... what do you guys think

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by angel_fiire, Jun 14, 2005.

  1. angel_fiire

    angel_fiire ******

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    I don't know if this thread belongs here.......
    I've been with my BF for 4 years, I love him so much.
    He has, what I consider, a big problem. He doesn't have any drive, and this drives me crazy. He settles with what he has and doesn't expect more. I love him so much I am extremly worried a bout him, he has the great oportunity of going to a School with his dad's complete suport, I mean my parents don't wantfor me to go to school (yet I love what I do and I am willing to fight for it, I graduate in 4 months), while his dad is asking him to do so, for what ever he wants (he's in his 4th year and still a sophmore). He says he want's to take over his dad's company, but he doesn't want to get his custumer service certificate or his insurance licence (he works in his dad's insurance company). He says he want's to marry me but he doesn't do anything for his future, or even try to save ( he says he invested in the market, but you also need to save from your income), I don't want to get married right away, but I don't want to waist my time waiting for something that will never come. I've tryed talking to him about this, about how important his future is, but now I'm a bitch for caring. He is not a bum, he works, but I don't want to have to drag him all the time. I am not in the best of situations right now (I'm working on making things better), and I've been seriouslly thinking on moving in with him, but I don't want to do it in this situation... agggrrrr, I don't know what else to do. I don't know if it's me, if I'm expecting too much, or i'f i am really a bitch. I don't even know if he want's me in his future any more, bc h doesn't show it (I understand we are both very young, 22, but if he doesn't want me I don't want for him to waist his or my time)
    any sugestions?
     
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

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    If he ever does make something of himself, it won't be because you nagged him to do so.
    Actually your efforts in that direction are only making him drag his feet all the more.

    Be careful you don't turn into his mother. I imagine the role you want to play is girlfriend, lover, wife. Not "nagging mother".
    And not nagging SINGLE mother either. So be careful you don't get pregnant unless it's on purpose and it's what you both want.

    I think you need to reassess the situation. Do you love him?
    Do you love him enough to stay with him (& be happy doing so) even if he were a bum for the rest of his life? What if he were a stay-at-home-dad and you worked instead?

    We don't marry entirely for love, but then we don't marry entirely for money either. They both enter into the picture -- at least for sensible people.

    I think at 22 you've a lot of life ahead of you. Are you sure this is what you really want? Personally, I think you should take a break from your relationship and concentrate on your studies for the next 4 months. Till graduation.

    Take that time to plunge into school, really feel like what life is like on your own.
    You'll then be better prepared to decide if life with him is what you really want. Assume he never changes. Can you live with that?

    The irony is that it will take something drastic like you breaking up with him, for him to wake up and get his ass in gear. Only then will he turn his life around.

    You might break up anyway once you get a good job and starting moving ahead in life, while he's still lazily drifting through school, cutting classes and generally doing a shit job of it all.
     
  3. Original

    Original OT Supporter

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    If you two have considered marriage and still are, he is going to need to change. If he isn't setting high goals for himself, how can he think marriage will be easy? Marriage should be thought of as one of the highest goals in life, and the decision is not to be taken lightly. You should really sit down and have a talk with him, he made need to just set his priorities straight. You love him, and you obviously show it when you want him to do his best in life. I think a way of showing you he loves you would be to respect your love and care and make some goals. Sadly, that's not happening.

    Sit him down, talk things out. He may need counselling in one area or another.. worst comes to worst, you may need to consider moving on. I know, it may sound harsh and out of the question, but if counselling doesn't help, you can't expect a marriage (or any relationship for that matter) to survive when only one person is doing all the work :hs:
     
  4. angel_fiire

    angel_fiire ******

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    I love him so much.... but I am so scared at the same time, I want for the both of us to do good, I am not expecting for him to have a tone of money, not at all, but at least the desire to do better.I'm afraid I might have to let him go for a while.
    Thanks guys
     
  5. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Oh, and don't move in with him. It will only muddy the situation and prevent you from acting & deciding freely.

    You're not a bitch for wanting a successful man for your marriage partner. Each person is free to decide what constitutes a suitable marriage partner, whether that's being tall & handsome, or kind, or a good provider for the family, etc.
    This is not being selfish or bitchy. This is being smart.

    And he's free to do the same. I suspect he's not thinking that way right now because his options are more limited than yours, and so therefore he naturally wants to hang on to you.
    At some level you realise this, and thus you have your current conflict.

    And about the comment about you being selfish or bitchy...sure from his point of view, he sees it that way but so what?

    The truth is that, frankly, he may not be a suitable marriage partner for you.
    Sorry to say but that is a real possibility and you cannot afford to exclude that.
    That's not something he wants to hear, but it's something you must come to terms with.
     
  6. angel_fiire

    angel_fiire ******

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    It hurts so much to think that way, but that might actually be truth..... it almost feels like my heart is breaking..... damn love hurts
     
  7. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Yeah I'm sorry...some guys are just built that way. Content. There's a fine line between being lazy and just being content...sounds like your BF is leaning more towards the latter.

    I'm not saying you should accept that, but the sad reality is that you might never be able to change him. It's in his personality and will likely to be so possibly till he retires.

    What sucks for you is that very personality is one that will probably drive you batty. You might find temporary reasons to say "yeah, I can accept him for what he is" but it will come around in cycles where you'll stare at him with resentment.
     
  8. angel_fiire

    angel_fiire ******

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    No, he's not lazy at all.... but I don't want to stare at him with resentment. He's such a good guy, I would hurt me so much to have to leave him for something like that. but I don't know what to do, I guess i'll just have to wait and see what happens.... I am so in love with him, I really don't want to let him go. But if it comes to that then i should continue with my life.
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2005
  9. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    I don't think this is a character flaw. He has a genuine problem. Talk to him about what his dreams are beyond working for his dad. Or maybe that really is what he wants to do. As long as it pulls in a decent amount of money, what does it matter? If you need to marry a guy with a BS/BA, then you are the one with the character flaw :dunno:
     
  10. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Well, I've witnessed both sides of this situation. I myself admire people with ambition....she doesn't have to be rich, but she'd at least have to have the drive to keep moving ahead in life along with me.

    I'm like that....the minute I feel too comfortable is where I tell myself I have to shake things up. I'm about to quit my cushy job with 8 years of seniority and security for a stab at starting up a business for that reason. I might not get a paycheck soon but it's a stab at a new future and that's exciting.

    My best friend on the other hand, he could care less. If he spent the rest of his life at the same job, lived at the same place, and stayed home every weekend he'd be happy. It's lucky he found a good wife willing to accept that in him otherwise he'd be hurting. :) I have to admire a character like that though...he's happy and content with life. That's a good thing coming from a different perspective.

    But there's just different shades of personality here that might not get along in a marriage situation.
     
  11. angel_fiire

    angel_fiire ******

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    It's not about the money at all, I don't care if he only works, or if he only goes to school..... what I care about is that he tryes or wants the best as what he does, and also the need to do better
     
  12. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I don't really see the problem, ehm what i think is that you are mixing your ambitions with his, everyone has to work for their own dreams (if they chose so) and he has dreams but isn't working for them, so what. As you state he works and he earns money, so basically it means you two are financially secured, and i wouldn't invest your aggrevation into his life, but i would rather use it to get the things completed that you want for your life.

    Usually people need to be butt-kicked, steam must be put on the kettle, and pressure must be applied to get people/things in gear. He has got everything in his life without the slightest effort, anyway i by accident saw something like this on Dr.Phil. People should be connecting with eachother, and he has to make his contribution and you have to let him understand how important his contribution is, without being a bitch. A break-up is pretty drastic but maby required if you remain unhappy.
     

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