FRK Bf crossing lines with me =O

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by innerpeace26, Mar 26, 2008.

  1. innerpeace26

    innerpeace26 New Member

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    I was told in the Vaginarium to copy my post over here for some extra help :) Cliffs at bottom.

    Last night my bf of 6 years (we are both each others firsts) told me he was watching some HBO show where men were letting other guys have sex with their wives/gfs. He seemed overly into the conversation so I asked him what he thought about it and he said he's entertained the idea before.

    We talked about it for a little while over IM's and on the phone but nothing too serious, or so I thought (I only said that it might be okay with me sometime in the future, but there were a lot of factors). I asked him why he would want to share me with another guy but the only answer I could really get out of him was that it would be fun to watch another guy with me...

    Anyway, I called him after I got out of class today and he tells me that he talked to one of his friends about our conversation. Then later he says that he actually asked his friend if he wanted to...

    I never told him that it was okay to ask his friend about this and I am really embarrassed. My bf made it sound out like I was the one wanting sex from his friend and now I feel like avoiding his friend at all costs. He said he talked about it over google chat and I asked to see the conversation and he didn't want to show it to me. He finally showed me tonight and it really pissed me off.

    I don't understand why he would cross those lines with me :( And is there more to what he is telling me about why he wants this so bad?


    SECOND HALF:
    Thanks for your replies guys, it helps me realize I wasn't over reacting. He came over today and we talked about it. I told him that it really hurt me that he would tell his friend private (AND undecided) things like that without my knowledge. He apologized and admitted that he had no right to do that, especially when we had only talked about it less than 24 hours ago and not in person.

    I felt a little better about it until I got him to show me his conversation. Then I felt degraded and completely disrespected. He start the conversation with, "man, my gf is being a total slut right now."


    The rest of the conversation just continued to make me feel belittled. wtf he called me a slut and told his friend I wanted more dick? I just can't get over it no matter how much he says he didn't mean for it to sound like he was talking trash about me. Who refers to their gf as a slut, EVER?

    I asked him to please tell his friend that the idea of him watching him have sex with me was 95% his idea and that I had no desire to do anything like that (let alone tell him) anytime soon. For God's sake I've only hung out with the guy 3 or 4 times.

    ARGHHHDadskdjalasdja


    Cliffs:
    BF wants to watch me have sex with another guy, less than 24 hours later tells his friend I want to have sex him him (without asking me)

    I have a lot of questions popping in my head right now but haven't had much time to sort them out since I was at school almost all day.
     
  2. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    i'm not the kinda guy who'd ever let another man even sniff my girlfriend, so I have no idea whats going on in his head, however you say you've been together for 6 years.. he's gotta just be looking for ways to spice things up. and dont be to pissed at what he said, yeah it sucks but guys will always talk to their friends in ways that we wouldnt around our girls.. its nothing personal its 58.5% bullshit and 20% macho tossed with a little truth and splashes of ego etc. we say things we dont mean and would never let our girlfriends hear....

    i'm not excusing him, but come on, if he's saying he is sorry give the dude a break (assuming he really is sincere and i'm sure after 6 years you can tell), maybe you are boring as shit in bed, maybe you should be in here asking for advice on things you can do to spice up the relationship aside from fucking another guy and him watching.. or even talking to him about it... also never confuse sexual needs with emotional needs, they cross paths but are quite different for men. sometimes i have really fucking odd urges that I can't even explain and it has absolutely nothing to do with my emotions, they usually go away after i cum or whatever but they are there none the less...

    my post is a jumbled mess hopefully you can pick things out that work for you.
     
  3. AutoEuphoria

    AutoEuphoria New Member

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    Does he make you cum on a regular basis? Maybe, if he doesn't, he wants to see if it's you or if it's him. That could just be a possibility. Some guys get off watching their GF's with another guy...I'm not sure I could do that, but hey - I wouldn't shock my ballsack either. I think it brings out the "voyeur"...allows him to have that "watching" fantasy that a lot of people have...watching/seeing something you shouldn't.

    The real danger with that kind of thing is that, even though he's pushing the idea now, he may view it as you cheating on him later. Say, for instance, if you moan louder, or have more orgasms, or whatever...he may get pissed...jealous of his friend's ability...then later say "Oh, I bet you were with ________ right now, don't you, whore!" Stupid shit like that.
     
  4. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?p=96434217
    Read this thread and it might give you some insight. HOWEVER, those of us who do 3 & more somes repeated preach:

    1. Discuss everything before hand and make the rules perfectly clear
    2. You must have a totally stable relationship.

    He obviously does not respect you as he should or he would not have done this behind your back. He was wrong and it would only end badly.
     
  5. Soybomb

    Soybomb New Member

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    Your b/f is a jerk for doing that. This seems to be a long time fantasy of his given how quickly he acted on it but he needed to consult you first and not believe it was a plan to put into immediate motion.

    In the right context some love it... but anyway I don't believe he was trying to degrade you. I just don't think he knew how to tell his friend that he wanted to see his g/f fucked by another guy so he made up a story that seemed more socially acceptable to him.

    He needs to realize that he must to man up and deal with this in a more mature fashion if he wants kinky sex, or perhaps sex ever again at this point. He owes you a big apology and to make this right with his friend.
     
  6. IslanderOffRoad

    IslanderOffRoad Do you even lift kit? OT Supporter

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    :werd:

    I call my g/f a slut alot. But its generally when we're in the middle of things, not when I'm talking to my friends.

    Sounds to me like you need to spice things up. Not sure you're ready for freakyshiat yet though.
     
  7. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    I would agree with others here, it is a large sign of disrespect. There are people that come in here all the time with the same types of comments 'my gf doesn't want to hook up with a girl, how do I FORCE her'.

    It is hard for us to make judgements though as we do not know her personality. Does he tend to be rather immature about sexual things usually? That can impact how you view him trying to force the action.

    Also, the way he talked about you in the IM'ing may result in you needing to re-evaluate how the relationship is going. As Islander stated, calling your girl a slut is not bad, provided that it is an acceptable term for both parties and it has been discussed prior.

    As I said previously, I think his actions show a large level of immaturity from him and thus I do not think that you having sex with another guy would be a good idea. First off, you do not seem that into the idea. Second, despite him saying he would like to see it, I actually do not believe it. I think he likes the IDEA, but if he was actually in the moment, I do not think that he would like it so much.

    Only you know if you would be comfortable with the idea of getting together with some other guy, but I urge you to take it slow and completely decide if you want to do it or not and how it will affect your relationship, because it will. It could affect it positively or negatively. Remember, once it has happened, it can not be taken back.
     
  8. razi

    razi New Member

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    Giving it a little thought, he used the 'slut' line to forward the to his friend without taking ownership or responsibility for it- he's making it sound like it's your idea because it's easier to talk about it than 'hey dude, want to bang my girl?' it's a very passive approach where you should both be doing it together.

    Being walked on and treated badly by his girl might be part of the fantasy, though. Some guys are into that sort of thing. Just throwing it out there. If that is part of the fantasy, he needs to communicate that with you RIGHT NOW and you two should deal with that first.

    I'm very sure he didn't mean to insult you, but his communication attempt fell on it's face in a bad way.

    One thing to remember is that when it comes to fantasies, if you mention something to a guy it's practically a green-light to push forward- regardless of how small or trivial (to you) your comment is.

    IF you don't dump him, and IF this is brought up again and IF you're not opposed to the idea, make sure that the bf knows under what conditions this sort of thing needs to happen. Things like "I really need to get to know the guy better first," a safeword for the both of you (if he gets a sudden fit of jealousy or anger, or if you feel in over your head) and whatever other ground rules are needed. While it's his fantasy, it's your game. YOU set the rules for this sort of thing and if you're not 100% comfortable with the idea and the person, don't do it. Make sure the friend knows all this too.

    Communication, communication, communication.
     
  9. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    I think Razi brings up some GREAT points. The one thing I would say, which he sort of touched on is that we only have one situation to gather an opinion from. Conversely, you have 6 years. Most of us might think it was rather poor of him to treat you that way. However, maybe it was the only time he has done it with you. In which case, it should not be viewed as that bad of a thing (people make mistakes).

    I do agree with the passive approach part. It is easier to 'blame' or place the ownership on someone else beside yourself; especially if you think that the person you are talking to might not be very receptive. If his friend was like WTF? he could say....'yeah, I was thinking the same thing, but it was funny that she brought it up'...it is a quick way to get out of the situation if it begins to fail :)
     
  10. innerpeace26

    innerpeace26 New Member

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    I'll try to respond to most of the questions/comments in this post

    Two Toys:
    He was definitely sincere and was only reluctant to show me the convo bc he was ashamed he went around it like that. You are probably right about trying to spice things up (after all it has been 6 years). I'll talk to him about things we could do together for a little extra edge and maybe start a new thread later for advice :). He is the only guy I have had sex with so for me to jump from that into banging another guy is too much a stretch atm.

    AutoEuphoria:
    He makes me cum a good amount, maybe 70% of the time we have sex when hes lasts long =P As you said, there could be some dangers to it. I would be afraid that it could change how he looks at me if it isn't what he expected.

    RougeOgre:
    Thanks for the link, I will definitely take a look. I felt disrespected then but in our entire relationship he has never done anything like this, so I am leaning towards just accepting the apology and making sure he knows I don't want to be talked about like that again.

    SoyBomb and Razi:
    I think that is pretty much it. He wanted to rush into it and then he had no idea how to break the ice with his friend and just played it out that way to make it easier.

    BubbaAtlantis:
    He isn't ever immature about sexual things and usually will go about them in a much better way than just surprising me.

    It's not that I am not into it, but really we only had talked about if for maybe 30 minutes the day before and then I find out hes already tried to initiate something with someone I hardly know. As I said above, I would definitely like to try some new things, but I am not the person to make drastic changes in a short time period. New things here and there and then maybe I could eventually fathom the idea of another guy having sex with me.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2008
  11. innerpeace26

    innerpeace26 New Member

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    lol yea, I'm lightening up on it after reading all of these. After he told his friend, he responded with: "that's a little weird that you would be okay with that, how do you know she wont go behind your back" then he told him, "nah, we have a really open communication about these things" then his friend replied with, okay then come over and watch the game and make sure to bring your gf so I can bang her"

    I sorta lol'ed at the open communication part considering we didn't have much about this topic :p
     
  12. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    So it sounds like what bothered you is how quickly he tried to act on things. I must admit, I have done that a few times myself. I think it is important that you communicate with him that you are interested in the idea, however, when he pressures you like that, tries to place the idea on you, and acts without discussing things with you first, it makes you feel less interested in the idea. If you feel pushed into things or uncomfortable it will not happen. Thus it is important that you discuss things prior and understand what he is wanting to see you do with the other person and where your boundries are.
     
  13. innerpeace26

    innerpeace26 New Member

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    I think that is definitely the biggest part. When he first brought it up with me I wasn't like :ugh: or disgusted by any means. I even found it sort of interesting since he has never brought up anything like this before. The most he has expressed to me was liking me to talk dirty.
     
  14. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    well it is definitely something to explore and it can be fun, but you have to be careful and ensure you two are on the same page with things. You might want to also tell him that if he wants this to happen than he has to listen to your wishes in regards to it. That is, he needs to understand what you are comfortable with and not to push it. Also, he needs to understand what you are wanting to get out of things.
     
  15. razi

    razi New Member

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    ok, one thing you can do is use your newness to sex to your advantage (since you said you've only been with your bf)- make them both work to court you. tell your boyo straight up that this is a little intimidating for you, and that even if you're not planning to date the other guy, you still need to be made to feel special. if he's a friend anyway, you're still going to have some sort of relationship with him (not to mention your bf's relationship to him as a friend), so it needs to get off on a good foot.

    ie make 'em work for it. :p

    a friend of mine just brought this up... one thing to remember is that between two people there is one relationship, but between three people there are seven different relationships (she said eight, but I can't find the last one). that's a lot of chances to fuck things up.
     
  16. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    lol that is just playing games though and I do not know if that is such a good idea....unless that is actually the case or she is into that sort of thing.
     
  17. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    Your bf was being way too optimistic, and was making you out to be a slut to hide the fact that it's his fantasy to be some kind of cuckold. However, you clearly do not want to do this, especially if you can't even handle being called a slut, so it wasn't a good idea to lead him on.
     
  18. Theo

    Theo New Member

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    I think the only thing to do is tell your BF's friend that your BF asked you if it was OK for him to have sex with his best friend, and if you'd want to watch. :greddy:

    LOL - Just trying to cheer you up. FWIW if your BF is interested in this, and you are not your relationship has probably run it course. Sorry.
     
  19. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    :rofl::rofl: not even close...your saying that if she doesn't want to fuck around with some other guy than her relationship is over :bowdown::bowdown: Wow, you must be single. You do not have to fool around with other people to have a successful relationship :ugh:
     
  20. Theo

    Theo New Member

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    That's exactly what I'm saying. If her BF pimped her out, and she's not into it (to the point he's actually hurt by it) does she really want to stay with him? My point of view is it's in her best interest to GTFO.

    I'm not suggesting she bangs the guy to keep her relationship together. That would be pretty self deprecating. I'm married, and my wife and I aren't into swinging/swapping etc. If I put my wife in the same situation as innerpeace26 I'd expect her to be very hurt. I'd even understand if she decided to leave.

    (Come to think of it one of by friends in college did this exact thing to force his GF to leave him. He figured the situation was win/win either way)

    In the end I see this situation as a deal breaker.
     
  21. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    I do not think he was pimping her out. I think he saw something that he wanted and saw a possible opportunity with the friend. I think it was more being overeager and being a bit immature. I must admit that I have said things or tried to push things more than what was warrented. There were times where I was given a little opening about something and attempted to blow it wide open. I think what he did was not good and something that needs to be addressed, but I do not see it as an ending point or a place of major problems. If it continues, then it could turn into that, however, the first time it is brought up and the gf doesn't say no outright...he had to be somewhat excited and felt the need to tell someone. Again, somewhat understandable.

    I do not think it is a deal breaker. FFM is one of the top fantasy's. Many men claim to want it and many women say no. That doesn't mean that their relationship will fail. Same goes with any other fetish. I like playing with knives, my wife can not stand them (and I mean hates even having them in the house)...it doesn't hamper our relationship. We just know that is an area that we will not go. Just because one person has a specific fetish, doesn't mean failing to meet that need results in failure.

    Also, Innerpeace said that she was not against the idea. That is different from No. As I already said, I think it was simply him rushing the gun and overplaying something minor.
     
  22. Kirk Hinrich

    Kirk Hinrich New Member

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    i cant even imgaine watching my gf fuck another dude, how could anyone want to watch that
     
  23. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    and that is why you should (and do) spend all your time in vag and not fs ;)

    The opposite question is more common in here....why WOULDN'T you want to :mamoru:
     
  24. kris

    kris Active Member

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    Alright, let me give you my point of view on this.

    I gotta say that I'm a PRETTY provocative person. I do it for fun and to push the border, just to see how far I can go without getting my ass kicked, etc.

    Anyways, my reason for saying this is that you should get some kind of idea who I am. I don't know how your boyfriend is, but towards his friends he will most likely be more likely to refer to you as "a slut". Not in a negative kind of way, but in a guyish kind of way. Granted, this isn't very mature, but still not really that bad if you ask me. I've done the same.

    The reason for this is, when you speak with your friend you will always want to portray the story the coolest/craziest/funniest and you use words as "slut" to underline certain things in the story.

    So, if your boyfriend is a provocative kind of guy (maybe only towards his friends), maybe that's why he referred to you as a slut. I know I might would have done that. But that's only because I'm always borderline right/wrong in what I say, and I say that to entertain/shock.

    Bottom line is that I wouldn't be too hurt about it, he obviously didn't mean to hurt you, he was just excited about the chat you've had, and him fantasizing about what you talked about. I can see it from your perspective, but don't leave him or anything over it.
     
  25. kris

    kris Active Member

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    I don't know if that made any sense, but there you go. :o
     

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