SRS beyond stressed....

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by DesignerAddic71, Feb 3, 2008.

  1. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    so its been a while since i've been hanging out on OT, but for years now, its always been a place of refuge for me....so here goes....

    i feel like im at a point where every aspect of my life is overwhelmed by stress....my parents health isn't going so well (primarily my father), work is driving me up the wall, i broke off an engagement like 6 months ago and while i've dated here and there since then, the person i really feel is the love of my life lives in another state and im now torn with the decision to move there.....i feel so lost

    i'm trying to chalk it all up to growing pains (im 22, will be 23 next month)...and that everything will work itself out, but im not sure how to handle everything in the mean time...
     
  2. Jack Horner

    Jack Horner Guest

    I'm 23, and I feel like I'm stressed as hell -- maybe it's just part of being 23?
     
  3. Anudist

    Anudist Turnin' Jesus on, one lightswitch at a time.

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    22 and stressed as hell as well. Divorce, work, money, all going down the toilet.

    It'll all be okay though, you just have to hang in there and push through the tought times. :hug:
     
  4. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Hit me with it, yo.

    This must be incredibly exhausting. Do you have a time period where you can let some of the stress go? Time before bed? Afterwork? In the morning when you wake? During a lunch break?

    It's important during these periods to reflect on you alone, and who you are, what you're trying to accomplish. If all you do during these periods is tell yourself "I need to make time for myself, I need to take care of myself if I'm going to be strong enough to handle the stress and needs of others. I need to have my needs me, it's important."

    If all you can do, is breath in and breath out and tell yourself those things, then that's what you do. Sometimes just being silent, sitting in a chair, laying on a bed -- it doesn't matter, just going somewhere silent, and allowing your mind to clear by asking these very important questions will help you let go of what is not priority. That which is most important you'll say yes to. That which you have the energy to take on, you'll say yes to. That which you simply can not manage, you'll admit that, and only do as much as you are able to without sacrificing your own needs.

    Having a parent ill is frustrating. Having a parent you must caretake for is even more frustrating. Now I'm not sure which is which for you, but if it's the first -- where they are merely ill and it bothers you, then you need to understand that while you love that person and you want to be helpful to that person, you can only do what they allow you to do, and ultimately it is their decisions, and their responsibility. Now perhaps there is more to the situation than this. Perhaps you're caught somewhere in between. Perhaps they're just really sick and dependent on you to some extent, either emotionally or financially, then you need to recognize how much you can afford -- literally. What you can't afford, you find external resources to help support that process. Whether it be other family members, the local town, city or state -- you can exploit disability services, or financial add, or soup kitchens, or goodwill stores. You don't have to do it all alone once you've done all you can.

    Now perhaps it's a full time job, say they're totally dependent, and it's weighing you down significantly, again -- you turn to the last paragraph. Emotionally you're already struggling enough watching them fall ill, and that's hard to cope with. If others in the family have abandoned this individual (Not saying they have), then you need to consider why it's left upon you to be the responsible one, to be the compassionate one? Others are responsible to.

    Now I'm not sure what exactly is going on in your situation, but these are some broad recommendations.

    A job is just a job. How long as it driven you up a wall? How long has it been difficult? Will it pass? Is this an ongoing theme? If so, you know what you must do. You must file applications during your off-hours. You must take responsibility for both giving yourself time to rest, but also to put your priorities in order. Write a list if you have to. How long could it be? 5-10 items? If your job is just stressful for this short time period, then take small breaks. A day off here, or there occasionally. "Oh by I have no more days off!" Well then, take a sick day, because frankly if you're so tired that you're considering it for that very fact, then that "is" a health issue, your body and mind "is" getting sick because of the constant stress. "I don't have anymore sick days." -- well then, if you have no more sick days, and no more vacation days then clearly this isn't the right job for you. Perhaps you have no choice but to work it for right now, but you have the ability to find other employment. You have the ability to make decisions to solve the problem.

    Who did you break the engagement off with, and who is this love of your life? And if they are different, how long have you known the love of your life? And if it's the same person you were engaged to, why would you end the engagement which is a commitment, only to make another commitment to create and upheaval, moving your life somewhere entirely different?

    Well that just gives us the opportunity for you to be found.

    I sure it will work itself out, but only if you make the right decisions. The right decisions are those which serve you in getting you from where you are, to where you say you want to go. Some things you may be powerless over or to change, but you aren't without power. You can influence outcomes and meet your own needs, even if you must say no to other people, or take time to rest and rejuvenate.
     
  5. DesignerAddic71

    DesignerAddic71 RIP Luther Vandross 1951-2005

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    MB can i tell you how much i was hopin you would respond??? i remember you used to help me out tremendously in the past...


    i think im gettin better at having "me time". i have started my gym routine back up a couple weeks ago, and when i finished my workout this morning i was reminded how much better it makes me feel to be able to get away for a couple hours and just think....

    as far as my dads health, its not to the point where i am responsible for literally taking care of him, but im trying my best to take care of him emotionally. we have always been the closest out of anyone in our family, and he lets me in more than anyone else. as a father/daughter we truly have a special connection....which thinking about it now is why i struggle so much with watching him and his health. my world would end if i were to lose him, and his health sometimes scares the crap outta me. the other aspect of it is that i live 200+ miles away...and even though i make frequent trips (more that once a month on average) i still hate being so far...i have discussed with my mother the idea of me moving back, but she tells me her and my father would be miserable to know i came back to take care of them. i told her we'll play it by ear based on what the docs say.

    ur right, work is just work. i try not to let it get to me outside of the office, but to deal with it the 8 hours a day while im there is just exhausting. we have new management and that seems to be where the problem lies. i am looking into new employment though. right now i work saturdays and i really need my weekends so i can visit the parents more often.

    as far as the engagement, my ex-fiance and the love of my life are two different people. the love of my life moved out of state a few years ago, and im not very good at the long distance thing. so i tried to move on, met somebody else and ended up getting engaged. then one day we got into a huge fight and i realized that wasnt how i wanted to spend the rest of my life. he was/is an alcoholic with severe depression issues (to the point where he was cutting himself in front of me) and baby mama drama. that is definitely not how i see myself living my life, so i ended the relationship. now me and the love are talking again (we've always maintained contact-even when i was in my relationship) and he has proposed the idea of me moving up there. this has me torn for a couple reasons. 1, if i were to move i feel like it should be to where my parents are. and 2, ive worked very hard for the life i have where i am. i have a great circle of friends and family and people i truly care about, and while i may not enjoy work anymore it does provide me with the means to live a life i enjoy.

    im sure ive written a book by now, but whew it feels good to get that off my chest!
     
  6. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Here I am at your service.

    Good, I'm glad you're taking that time. Just remember not to use the Gym as another place to abuse yourself. Workouts should stress you, but not distress you. A work out ought to last no more than 30 minutes, including warm up, exercise and cool down. If you're doing more, you're adding to the distress.

    An added dimension to workouts is to incorporate meditation prior to or after a workout. Visualize success, but also visualize yourself without distress from the daily pressures. Of course you can do this at night as well. In-fact I like doing it before sleep, but I find it serves me more in terms of falling asleep than in prioritizing my life. The fact is, it's both that we need. Meditation, writing it down, whatever it takes, to get our mind focused on our most critical needs and the things that matter most. I cut it off at three. If I think about more than three, I'm overwhelmed. Even if I have more than three needs or "have to get done" -- I put the others first. If people don't like it, too bad. I however do have to be responsible in making sure I don't overextend myself into projects and promises I can't keep. In-fact I don't guarantee anyone I'll have a project done, because frankly I'm not psychic.

    I understand the need to want to love and be available to someone in need. You also understand that he would want you to put you first if to do otherwise meant compromising your ability to lead a healthy life. He does have needs, but you aren't responsible for fulfilling all of them. He has the ability to spread his needs out. Having that special connection is fantastic, and I always encourage that. Special bonds come with special responsibility, and the first is to always make sure "you're" needs are met in order to give to another.

    What about what you want? What you want is what counts. Being so far away hurts, and you love your father dearly. Being far clearly is distressing to you. It appears you would actually profit from physically expending energy to care for him than just provide emotional support via a telephone. I would encourage you to make the move. You understand that your father will in-fact die. They always do, but our time is extremely precious, should we waste it on work, dating, school, or should we invest it in our true priority. Let me ask you a question. When you die, or should I say -- know you're dying, or about to, are you going to look back and say "Well I wish I'd worked more, or done that project or that project" or are you going to say "God I miss my father, and my kids, my loved ones -- I'll miss everyone, I'm just so glad I made the right decision to focus on what I wanted, and not what I "had to do".

    Their misery over your decision is misplaced. If they only knew the truth of what I just said, everyone wins. While I'm sure being faced with illness or death, we all want in the end to step over the obstacles of our fears and just reach out and say what we mean and mean what we say -- without fear or anxiety of what the other person is going to say. If we each focused more on our true priorities, and on ourselves, The needs of those around us would be fulfilled far more often than they are now. We as a society have that all wrong.

    I would recommend you begin filling applications while visiting your parents in "that" location, as well as online when you're where you are now. Use the telephone, write your letters. Work pays the bills, and it is a priority to most, but I sure don't consider it number one. I'd rather be homeless and live out of shelters and soup kitchens than abandon my joy of loving my family, friends, or wife or kids. It's never that black and white, but the motivation is what matters.

    You know where I stand on red flags. Alcoholism, red flag, severe psychiatric problems untreated, red flag, physically abusive (To oneself is no different than to others), red flag.

    If you abandoned that relationship because it wasn't serving you, and you couldn't grow in relationship to that, then I am incredibly glad. I would not tolerate a relationship like that. I'm compassionate towards the ill, and I myself am ill, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it in another person and choose them as a mate! Call it hypocritical, call is self-fish, I call it love. When you choose to "not" enter into a situation your heart isn't into, you're doing them and you a favor.

    If it were me? I'd choose my family. If someone loves me, and one of our lives is unbalanced from illness, death, whatever. If my family member is sick, they come first, and if someone who loves me says "Hey, you know what, you're right. My life here isn't out of balance like yours, you have more serious things, well -- I'll sacrifice this to go help you and be there with you." When they say that then I'll know they're at the top of that list along with my family. Until then, they're second, third, or fourth in line, no matter how much I care about them or how much they say they care about me.

    Actions speak louder than words.

    Those who love you will do what is in their best interest, but what is in their best interest is also yours because of the bond of that love you share.

    If that other person also had an equally pressing priority, then those who love each other would let each other meet their need without punishing them, or abandoning them.

    When you focus on yourself, and what you need and choose, those who are true friends will not abandon you because you moved, nor will family. When a challenge or adversity comes -- those who love you will walk in, while those who don't will walk out.

    You can make new friends, you can work a new job, you can start again if you choose. You have all these options and clearly you're capable, you've created this, haven't you? Yet, time -- you can't have more time. You can't get it back. You can make more money, you can make new friends, you can even fight a challenging health problem and win back your health, but you can never have more time. It's the same for everyone, and your parents time is running out much sooner than these other people, in probability. So, what will you do?

    My opinion here isn't necessarily right for you. I'm presenting facts, not the truth. Like any good lawyer I might present a great case, but only you can be the judge and jury of what is true for you and decide how things are executed in the end.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2008
  7. TheMentor

    TheMentor New Member

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    in for advice, I'm 25...and my life is stress...everything seems like it's the worst thing ever....sometimes i don't know how to handle it and I just withdraw into myself. My SO notices that I am completely unable to relax.
     

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