SRS best friend's being abused- where can she go?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Lucky Penny, Dec 10, 2006.

  1. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    okay- I'll try to make this short

    my best friend is in an seriously verbally abusive marriage. it's escalated to physical abuse a few times. her and her husband got in a huge fight tonight and she has finally decided she wants to leave but doesn't know where to go. she is a stay at home mom and has a 2 year old daughter. She has no money of her own to speak of.

    problem is she's afraid that her husband will try to take their daughter. since he's the one with the job she's afraid that he'll get custody of her. my friend is in college and can go get a job, but most likely won't make enough to pay for childcare and a place for her and her daughter to live.

    her parents aren't around and her family doesn't want to get involved. i told her she could move in with me, but i live 4 states away from her and she has no car.


    So where does she go? What does she do? Any ideas at this point would be helpful. Thanks a ton guys.
     
  2. pixing

    pixing New Member

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    If she's being physically abused she should report/should have reported it to the police!

    She can call any hospital, even if she hasn't been injured (this time) and ask to speak to a domestic violence rep., they will hook her up with services so that she can leave the home and get on her feet.

    As far as her husband "taking" the daughter - he won't automatically get custody despite being the breadwinner. She's been the primary care provider and they would at least get shared custody. And there are laws in place now that prevent even the custodial parent from moving far away from the other parent - so he couldn't "take" the child away from her.
     
  3. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    Thanks so much pixing and klaatu- we really appreciate the info. We've been up all night trying to come up with a plan. Your info and insight are great
     
  4. Martinj

    Martinj New Member

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    Just google "Shelter for women". There are a lot of places she can go to with out having to pay for.
     
  5. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    There are many (too many :hs: ) domestic abuse shelters. They will give her and her daughter a place to stay and help her find a job. Please help her find one, and good luck to her.
     
  6. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    update:

    He called me yesterday crying because he "knows he's mean to her, but he can't live without her and doesn't want to lose her." I told him he has no business being with someone he's going to abuse. he was telling me that he's going to go to counseling and blah blah blah. (I've had the same converstaion with him for the past 2 years- suprise suprise- nothing's changed)

    He came home last night to find her packing up her and the baby's things. It wasn't pretty. after he freaked out and left, he came back with flowers and was crying that he needed her to give him another chance. well she didn't leave and neither did he.

    I really thought she was going to leave this time. I really thought this would be it. It's the same story every time. He screams at her/throws things/hits her. she calls me crying- asking how she got int his mess and trying to convince herself to leave. she always says she's leaving and he comes crawling back saying how sorry he is and bullshit bullshit bullshit and she never leaves. things are fine for 2 weeks and then it starts all over again.

    I really appreciate everyone's help- hopefully we can put it to good use some day SOON.
     
  7. Create

    Create :free at last:

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    She needs to leave during one of the two week 'good times'.
     
  8. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Have you considered calling CPS or SS about the child being in such an environment?
     
  9. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    I hate that mean/sweet cycle :mad: I say as discreetly as she can, she needs to set up some funds and a place to go for her "escape". wait until he is at work and then straight disappear. She can always get new furniture or whatever later, right now she needs to focus on getting out her birth certificicates, social security cards, whatever iD she may need as well as clothes and some cash if she can pull it off. :x:
     
  10. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Abusers often cycle between violence and over-exaggerated niceness to "make up" for his misdeeds.

    This relationship must end. All his sorry sorry sorry is total crap. Don't even bother listening to that nonsense.

    You've seen it cycle over and over enough to realize this too. Just get out.
    It's over.
     
  11. Kytro

    Kytro I am become death, shatterer of worlds

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    He is a control feak / dependant.

    He probably views her as an extention of himself (hence his abuse / anger). The idea of loss of control of her freak him out (and he believes it is because he cares, and he does, but about her fufilling his needs).

    If she has styed in this position for a long period of time she probably tends to self blame initially then to passification of the threat and then finally to escape.

    He will not change as long as she gives him want he wants. In fact it is likely if she leaves he will repeat the process with someone else.

    Trying to get him to change is near-impossible and would require her to asset her position and follow through on threats. It could be risky to attempt to change him also.
     
  12. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    How is she doing?
     
  13. MudRacer4x4

    MudRacer4x4 New Member

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    I would tell her leave when hes not home and to move in with you. Could you pick her up? Its alot easier to keep custody if shes in a different state.
     
  14. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    Well, I don't think she can move out here with me- since I live 4 states away from her I'm pretty sure that if she up and left one day without telling him that would be considered kidnapping- though I don't really know how those types of things work.

    I am actually home for Christmas right now- I spent the night over her house yesterday. Yes, her and her husband are still together, living with each other and not even talking about going to counseling.

    They are essentially room mates. I was standing there the other night when he told her what a failure of a mother she was- he tells her he doesn't love her and won't show her any affection but when she tells him to leave he threatens to kill himself. Then he comes back with gifts and promises things will change.

    It seems like he doesn't want to be with her but he doesn't want to be without her either. I don't understand it.

    The shit will hit the fan soon- He's moving back into manipulation mode. Her and I talked about it for a bit today- but she's in denial. She pretends it's not so bad- that she doesn't mind having a husband who hates her. I guess we'll see what will happen in the next few days.

    We've talked endlessly about it. We've made several plans. I guess she doesn't want to leave. I don't know what else to do. I'm out of ideas.
     
  15. johan

    johan Active Member

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    this guy is a classic textbook borderline.

    There is an excellent book that deals with this, called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". (By Dr. J Kreisman)

    If you like you can read it to further your understanding, and you can suggest your friend read it, if she's the kind of person who can benefit from reading.

    She should seek counselling to deal with this. A therapeutic relationship will help her understand the dynamic going on in her life.

    It may help her gain the insight needed to correct the imbalance (if he wants to also) or it may help her gain the perspective and strength required to END this charade.

    Either way, encourage her to gain some professional help -- this will help her improve her life. I suggest you not try to fix her life for her, but instead put your energy into encouraging her to talk to a professional counsellor.



    If she won't...she should LEAVE.

    However, this is really a short term solution. Because it takes two to tango, even if she does leave him, the chances are overwhelmingly high that she will seek another similar loser to enmesh with.

    Even though she won't realize what she's doing, even though she will deny it....the patterns of emotional bonding that dictate companion selection happen at a subconscious level...we seek our emotional twin, which isn't going to be a healthy person, when we ourselves aren't healthy

    So....THERAPY. Encourage her to seek it.


    It is the best gift she can give herself. That being true freedom from the chains that hold her down.
    This particular loser dufus is just the current manifestation of the emotional patterns locked inside her.
     
  16. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    I hate reading situations like this because I have been that woman justifying the man's behaviour and being the idiot who believed him when he said he would get help and he couln't live without me.

    it is all about control and nothing about love. You don't hit or abuse someone you love, end of story
     
  17. element4all

    element4all Active Member

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    i would do some searching around and find a shelter or something. but her daughter may go to a foster family
     

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