lately i just haven't really cared about anything. i'm losing my motivation for the gym and even women. i just want to give up. suicide def. isn't the answer but i want to move out of this shithole i currently live in. i go to a community college but regret having gone to a state school... my job prohibits me basically to have weekends off or enjoy they since i only work on weekends and i go to school during the week... i'm taking my emt class this summer in hopes to work for an ambulance company but i reallly really want to move. i'm just sick of this place and it doesn't have anything to offer for me... tonight i hung out with some friends at a coffee shop some of which still live and go to school here with me but most were back from college and let me tell you they've def. changed.. and not for the better. it sucks because i used to be cool with these people but now all they talk about is parties and how fucked up they got this one time.. and its sad because i used to be cool/close with all those guys. now tonight i felt akward and when i tried to talk to one of them they just sort of ignored me and talked to the other "big shots" because they had other frat stories or what have you. i've found that i only have a select few of true friends and it really kind of sucks. i still live with my mom though and that helps because i can save my money and i def. don't want to live somewhere else in this shithole because i think that would make me not want to move as much.. the constant reminder of my mom nagging me to do certain things def. gets me motivated to move but since i want to be a firefighter i want to stay here and establish that first but at the same time i so do not want to live or be here... i don't really know what else makes me happy besides getting out of here.. for instance i went to visit my bro not too long ago a few hours away and i had so much fun and enjoyed myself but when i was driving back i just got depressed again and once i was home i was angry and pissed off. i don't know what i can do to make myself happy though.. even the girls i used to talk to i've fucked myself out of and can't even get a booty call.