Be yourself v. 9,992,104

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by JohnJohnJohnson, Nov 27, 2007.

  1. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2004
    Messages:
    23,006
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manhattan
    What a retarded phrase.

    You know when a guy is acting obviously fake cuz a hot girl is there?

    He rolls up and says, "I was at this crazy party last night," because he wants people to think he's social, or he says, "I really like that outfit," because he wants people to like him.

    If guys like this actually were the people they were trying to be, they might still say, "I was at this crazy party last night," or "I really like that outfit," but it would not be said to impress. They would say it because they would genuinely be enthused about their experience, and because they would genuinely find it enjoyable to talk about.

    I'm just putting this anecdote here so we're all on the same page in terms of what this thread is talking about.

    Anyways, one way or another, people have a knack for differentiating between the real deal and the fake deal (at least that's what they think). People "sense something off" about the guy's body language and his delivery.

    So they see this and they come to OT and the write in Cosmo and they say, "I want a guy who can be real / be himself."

    But what they're actually noticing is the fact that after the guy speaks, he looks expectantly at people. That's it. Innocuous enough, right? He's just cocking his head slightly. But this expression reveals that he is gauging people's responses to see if they are reacting the way that he hopes. People may not realize that is WHY they find him fake, but that is, in this case, why they find him fake.

    This is called "incongruence."

    Incongruence is when a person's communications are not aligned with their subcommunications.

    When people say "be yourself," they are thinking of the last incongruent guy they saw.

    My point is that you can be whoever you want, as long as you can do it congruently. If your body language lines up with what you're communicating... you're gold

    edit:

    Another thing for all you "be yourself" people to consider, is that a guy COULD be performing ... himself.

    If he's broken down who he is and what he's like when he's comfortable - say, at home, or with family or friends - then, when he's not comfortable enough to BE that guy, he can consciously and congruently PERFORM that guy, until such time as he is comfortable enough to do it naturally.

    E.g. When I'm behaving naturally around friends / family I tend to tease people in a very specific way - it tends to make people feel good, sort of a reverse sarcasm. Well, I figured this out, and now if I'm hanging out with someone and I'm not comfortable enough to behave naturally, I can PERFORM the way I would naturally behave ... congruently... from practice.

    I know it's a strange idea - you, performing yourself - but that's what it comes down to for me.
     
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2007
  2. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2004
    Messages:
    23,006
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manhattan
    The vag objects:

    1. No you can't. You can only get laid with a girl you are real with.

    2. Fine. Maybe you can be someone else up to sex. That's all well and good, but what happens when she finds out who you really are?

    As for #1, :rofl: :hs:

    As for #2, here's what will happen after sex.

    First of all, you can be yourself now.

    That's because you actually CAN "be yourself" (i.e., do things you would naturally do with friends and family, rather than congruently perform things). That's because you'll be comfortable, having gotten the fucking out of the way. This is probably the most important factor. The fucking out of the way, you will BOTH be comfortable enough to "be yourselves".

    Second of all, the more you congruently be "someone else", the more you actually BECOME that person. This is the principle of fake it till you make it.
     
  3. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    Honestly, when I see a guy who acts/talks like that I just think "what a douche bag" and nothing much further.

    I get what you are saying...but why should a guy even bother acting/speaking like that and making sure he looks believable? Just because it might get him a chick for the night who is into superficial guys who seem important?

    Or is this just one example? I want more.
     
  4. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2004
    Messages:
    23,006
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manhattan
    the specifics of that sentence didn't matter. i'm talking about a larger concept. edited
     
  5. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2004
    Messages:
    23,006
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manhattan
    Because there's no reason to limit yourself to your current behaviors or memes.
     
  6. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2007
    Messages:
    12,589
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    THE Hawkeye Nation
    umm sorry i dont really feel this post. for the most part TC came off like he just got his girl (or girl he likes) stolen from him by someone that him and his friends dont really like @ a party b/c the dude was friendly enuf to deliver a compliment.

    but for the most part if you dont believe in what you are saying, yes you are going to be fake. Dont send out empty compliments, but a single compliment > no compliments if goal = sex
     
  7. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2004
    Messages:
    23,006
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manhattan
    who's TC

    I don't have to believe in what I'm saying to say it congruently
     
  8. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    I agree with JJJ's OP.
     
  9. NCS

    NCS Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2002
    Messages:
    5,777
    Likes Received:
    0
    first and foremost i largely agree with the OP. in fact i find it very well explained.

    When you see a guy who acts/talks like that you think what a douche. So, when one of your best friends compliments you, he's a douche? See where I'm going with this?


    1. congruency is extremely important in social interaction
    2. congruency can be defined as a knowledge of who you are combined with full comfort with yourself in your current state
    3. actors are judged on congruency in the roles they perform (hollywood actors, for ex). some are more believable than others.
    4. one *could* be good at acting and therefore assume the role of what he thinks to be the most attractive male he can be.
    5. (and this is the big one folks). in your journey in life to bring your current self closer to your ideal self you must do two things: assume the role of your ideal self, and back up that role with actions in life that will construct the lifestyle your ideal self has

    edit: I don't advocate "becoming someone else" but everyone has, in their mind, the idea of the "themself" that they want to be. this is your ideal self. since this concept comes from you, it is just showing the end of your own personal journey, and this is the person you should strive to become, not what other people suggest.
     

Share This Page