LGBT Bad Queer Moments: Self-Loathing, ‘Washed-Up Syndrome’, General Depression…

Discussion in 'Lifestyle' started by CoCo, Mar 10, 2005.

  1. CoCo

    CoCo ...is a Queer Don!! OT Supporter

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    I think it may help some people to start documenting some of the causes of those Bad Queer Moments… You know, those milestone moments where you instantly feel bad. That way, you have a way to reflect on them l8tr, AND there is a digest of such moments for l8tr generations of queer (think, maybe they can learn from out mistakes and mis-steps).

    I’ll start, generally.

    Loss of Virginity.
    Ow! Oooh! BANG—you’re an adult, not overnight but within five lusty minutes. The instant you’ve cum in front of someone, you feel yourself aging. It’s usually mistaken for welcome maturation, but in retrospect, you’ll be able to identify this moment as a giant step toward middle age.

    Job Straight Outta Hell.
    The first job that you either screw up, or at which you’re doomed by a lousy, petty, self-involved boss, or that you have to suppress your sexuality, or that you otherwise are dismissed/forced from, or that you are damned to return to forever and a day. All the time you’ve spent at this job might as well be flushed down the toilet, and no matter when you look at the calendar, you realize you’ve been there ten times longer than you’d thought. You have, in fact, spent years at the job, spinning your wheels while agine… aging… aging…

    First STD.
    Once you’ve had crabs or ghonorrea, you realize the inherent squalor in sexual activity, and your depression over your newfound contempt for sex makes you realize you live for sex. Not to mention if you’re unlucky enough to get some incurable disease like HPV (warts); an incurable and extremely uncomfortable like herpes; or an incurable, extremely uncomfortable, and fatal disease like AIDs. All of these diseases, whether as relatively harmless as warts or as unspeakably horrific as AIDs, make you accept that your body—upon its introduction to this new, eternal virus—is changed forever, a concept that’ll put a good ten years on you in a bad ten seconds flat.

    Accelerated Relationships.
    Okay, so I know we all didn’t have the proper ‘dating’ socialization in middle- and high school, buuuut does that mean that you have to rush things in college? Yes, I know, you wanna get your experience points, but sometimes it will leave you feel like you sped up, only to smack face-first into a brick wall of social awkwardness. In these time, friends help…hopefully you didn’t make them feel ostracized.

    Lovelessness.
    Self-explanatory, except that it bears mentioning that going to your traditional haunts loverless only to find that you’ve slept with two-thirds of the patrons can make for an especially jarring and aging experience



    (Why is it that all that I can think of have to do with aging (oops…never mind).
     
  2. Taylor

    Taylor Guest

    The story of my life :wtc:
     
  3. CoCo

    CoCo ...is a Queer Don!! OT Supporter

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    We've all been there, tiger... Did I not tell you the story when I broke up with that guy I dated for 3 years (referred to on OT as 'HIM'), and how I called Ferron crying, and he rushed over because he couldn't understand what I was saying over the phone. But the first thing he asked me open entering my room was, in all seriousness, "OMG :noes:...do you have AIDs?!?"

    I swear that I started laughing while crying, as it instantly made me realize that there are worse things in life than ending a damned relationship --even a 3-year long one.
     
  4. cedric

    cedric I don't have a contract

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    I have a moment from earlier in life than what you've posted, CoCo.

    You're going to be gay for the rest of your life and nothing's going to change it.

    When I was 16, I had the worst anxiety attack in the middle of the night. I was in bed in the dark just thinking as had become a habit of mine. It just hit me that what I felt about other guys wasn't going to change, and that my life as I thought I was going to live it wasn't going to be so by-the-book anymore. At the time, you read that because your hormones are supposedly going crazy, that it's normal to be attracted to other guys. You hope to god that's the situation you're facing, but you know deep down that it goes beyond that. That there are actual feelings involved in this rather than just urges.

    It's scary as hell when you're 16 and your identity is still in the formative stages, to just realize all of the sudden that something as big as the rest of your life has just taken a turn for, what I believed at the time, was the worst. For every kid at that age, it's hard enough to meet the expectations everyone has for a straight teen: peer pressure to conform, pressure from parents, pressure to do well in school, pressure from sports. Now I had a whole new set of problems that was lurking in the dark and had leapt to the forefront in an unexpected way.

    It was probably the most awful experience I've ever had. Cold sweat, tears, shakes, and nobody to talk to. I was so scared that I went to my parents' room to tell them, but I stopped short of knocking. It wasn't because I didn't think they'd understand, it was because I wasn't ready to deal with it head-on yet.

    Anyway, I went back to my room and sat in bed for about half an hour, just wondering WTF I was going to do. My friends wouldn't understand and I wasn't ready to tell my parents. I just didn't know how to deal with it. The conclusion that I came to was that there really wasn't anything that I could do but take it one day at a time. Things had always worked out for me somehow, and this would just be one of those things. I had a pretty great life so far: parents who loved and supported me in everything I did, I was pretty popular, had lots of friends, a good reputation, and I was doing well in sports and school. With all this going for me, why rock the boat? There was no way I could act upon what I was feeling without serious repercussions that would've fucked up my life in the worst way. If I couldn't act on it, I couldn't get myself into any trouble.

    Yes, I know that subversion isn't the best way to deal with something like this, but there are worse choices, and to this day, I believe it was the right one for me at the time.

    I always wondered what would've happened if I had that talk with them at 2am that night though.
     
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2005
  5. chriso59

    chriso59 New Member

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    similiar experience as you cedric... I too became stressed and freaked out about what the rest of my life was actually going to be like. I dealt with it, mainly by avoiding the whole thing, unfortunately. I used to play the straight role etc. but on the inside I wasn't happy with myself for doing that. But i could not fathom telling anyone at 15 about me being gay... It was depressing, but I tried to put on a happy face and get through those years until I figured out what I was going to do about it, come out or not.

    Looking back at it now, I find it sad that I had to do that, supressing many of my emotions and feelings. But I'm on the up now, i've come out to my family and most friends from home, it feels good. I am so thankful for my loving family and friends to get me through all of it, i probably couldn't have done it on my own.
     
  6. CoCo

    CoCo ...is a Queer Don!! OT Supporter

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    ...wow. I don't think that I had that moment of sudden realization. It sounds very traumatic, and I don't think I would have handled that very well.

    Hugs all around.
     
  7. ExDelayed

    ExDelayed New Member

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    They could have thought it was a dream. I had told my younger sister and figured it was time my younger brother knew. I had a little help from my friend Jack Daniels to take the edge off of something I knew I wouldnt be able to talk about otherwise. We talked for a couple of hours, it was extremely late.

    A couple of weeks later, he came up to me and said, "I just remembered I had the strangest dream awhile ago. You told me you were gay" He laughed.

    I sat there with a :o look on my face and told him it wasnt a dream. He was :eek3: "Whoa"
     
  8. cedric

    cedric I don't have a contract

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    I really have no idea what they would've done. Chances are they would've let me stay home from school that day though. My parents are :cool:.

    I came out to one of my good friends while we were both drunk one night. Beer, not JD. Whiskey's gross :barf: . I was going to tell him anyway, but there's nothing like a little liquid courage to speed things up. He was cool about it and nothing's changed between us.
     

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