SRS bad breakup + same circle of friends

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by mel my finger, Nov 14, 2005.

  1. mel my finger

    mel my finger New Member

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    Background

    okay, so for the past 2.5 years i had this one girl in my life (i'll just refer to her as Whats Her Face). when i first met Whats Her Face, i was attracted to her so i pursued her. she was attractive and was giving me the attention...we'd talk for hours at a time and she's always be disappointed when i was too busy. good dating signs, yes?

    well, things got interesting when she started opening up to me about drama with her ex. baaad dating sign. but i was confused by the mixed signals...

    a couple months later i finally realized i fell into the friendszone with a high-maintenance chick.

    so for the longest time, being the (pathetic) mr. nice guy, i put up with her shit. it was just an endless cycle of us hanging out, she'd get on my nerves, we have a fight, we make up (no makeup sex), she's less high-maintenance for like a couple weeks, then goes back to bitch mode. it'd just happen over and over again, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.

    basically, she was giving me all the obligations of a boyfriend and i never got ANYTHING in return. it was always me picking her up, driving, changing my schedule to accomodate her. (god, i could go on for hours on the shit i did for her but that's a whole 'nother story.)

    Realization

    i look back on the whole thing, particularly asking myself "why the fuck did i put up with her for so damn long??" i came up with two answers:
    1. i'm a mr. nice guy that's desperate for attention, so i was willing to do anything to attain that attention. (pathetic. i know now.)
    2. compassion can be a bitch. after each fight there was always that little bit of hope saying, "maybe this time will be better...maybe this time will be better..."
    well, it never got better.

    Downhill

    i took her to disneyland for her birthday. all i wanted was to do something special for her. but for some reason, the shit got to her head and she was just pushing my buttons the whole fucking day. it started going downhill from there.

    slowly but surely, i just started getting irritated by her. then irritation turned to hate. just over the course of a few weeks it got to the point where everything and anything she does -- no matter what it is or what her intentions were -- would just piss me off. life's too short to be pissed off all the time. and clearly this relationship is one-sided.

    summer happened and she went up north. all of a sudden she went from calling me all the time to only calling me twice...and both times where only to ask me computer questions.

    at this point, i interpreted that as: the only reason why we hang out and talk so much when she's down here in socal is because i'm a convenience for her. she doesn't really care about me. if she did, she'd call me to see whats up, or how i'm doing. but did she? nope. the moment i'm not a convenience for her, i'm out of the picture.

    The Drama

    so i decided to cut all ties with her. but here's the problem: she's friends with all of my friends AND roommates. i knew exactly what was gonna happen...now that i cut off all ties, she just moved down the line to the next available victim -- my friend & roommate, Jim.

    a little background info on Jim: he's a pussywhipped little bitch too. just like how i used to be, he's willing to do anything and everything for a girl just so that he has a girl to talk to. he has a long track record of doing this in the past. its pathetic...but i have a little sympathy for him because that was me not too long ago.

    so i respectfully told all of my roommates the situation. "this apartment is my place of comfort. at the end of a hard day, this is where i come home to so i can relax. i don't want drama and awkwardness here. i don't want Whats Her Face here."

    but since Jim is pussywhipped, he brought her over 3 TIMES. each time i respectfully and in a civilized manner (not cursing or raising my voice) reminded him.

    by the third time he brought her over (he tried to sneak her past me), i was furious. A) i hate the bitch. B) he knows i hate the bitch. C) i leveled with him respectfully and in a civilized manner. D) he broke a promise not to bring her here.

    The End?

    so fast forward a week. Jim comes to me to talk. he mentioned how he was in his room the other day and he heard me talking about the whole situation with our other roommate. he finally realized that he was causing unnecessary drama for the apartment, so he apologized. he acknowledged that he tried to sneak her past me the past couple times. because he came to me, i told him that i'll tell him my weekend plans (like when i go home for the weekend) and he can bring her as long as i'm not here.

    he tells me that he's taking things "day by day" with her. i'm sorry but given his track record of being the pusywhipped mr. nice guy, that just translates to: "i like her. and she must like me because she's hanging out with me all the time. i think i have a chance."

    before i didn't tell him exactly what i went thru with her. i have all the emails and chat logs to show him her true colors...but out of respect for her, i won't. i believe that private conversations should stay private. the problem for Jim was he didn't understand WHY i was so adamant about not having her here. so i finally told him some of the things that happened. he says, "well i think she's changed, i haven't noticed anything like that yet."

    so i'm wondering...did she change? did she finally realize what she was doing that made me cut things off? or is Jim just blinded by his pussywhipped mr. nice guy mentality?

    regarding my other friends, they all know whats up. they respect me as a bro which is why they've eased back on hanging with her. but Jim still brings her over (to the apartment next-door). i know my homies just wanna remain neutral about the whole thing, and i feel bad that they're getting brought into this whole drama...i dunno what can be done to make the whole situation easier. i know that Whats Her Face is talking shit about me because it gets relayed back to me...and that shit just drives me up the wall.

    i'm not exactly sure why i'm posting this...maybe its just to vent. but if OT Asylum Crew has anything to say, i'd love to hear it.

    Cliffs: got rid of high-maintenance bitch but she still hangs with many of my friends. her newest pussywhipped victim is my roommate. he thinks she likes him. she's just using him because she can no longer use me.
     
  2. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Ick.

    I doubt she's changed. You'd like to think so because a small part of yourself wants to believe that you didn't just go through all that shit for nothing. Be thankful that you came to your senses before you became a complete doormat.

    It sounds like you're trying to be the bigger man here and that's commendable. However, don't prolong your suffering. If you need to drag out dirty laundry to prove to your roommate just what sort of chick she is, then do it - but do it for his sake, not to hurt/dishonour her.

    If you want to look at the bright side, you'll be able to say, "I told you so," later.
     
  3. mel my finger

    mel my finger New Member

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    hmm, great question....yeah, i think it would.

    my head tells me i've tried countless times and she's a lost cause. my heart reminds me she did have her beautiful moments, and people do change...

    like i said above, one of the reasons i stuck around was cuz i believed she could grow into a better person with me (as a friend). i really believe that even the hardest of all people have an inner beauty. i'd see it in her in small spurts but she'd eventually just go back to her bitchy ways.

    i just got tired of expending so much energy into her...especially since it was at the expense of my dignity.

    but if one day i'm able to hang out with her, enjoy her company while still keeping my dignity...then yeah, i could see us making amends.
     
  4. GlassUser

    GlassUser send an email not a pm OT Supporter

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    Sounds like you have it down. Your roommate's kind of a bitch for taking your leftovers like that though. Quite disrespectful.
     
  5. SolShinobi

    SolShinobi New Member

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    Your roommate is a selfish @$$hole. Straight up man.

    As far as the girl is concerned. Forget it....people change but only under extreme @$$biting circumstances. Most women will tell you and these are self-proclaimed "good girls" here. They will tell you that if the guy is a push over...they will take advantage of him. That have no concept of remorse or accountability.

    Just realize she is a lost cause. Many women change personality based on how the guy acts with them and how much they want him (read feels he is a "challenge"). This also goes without showing if they think he's hot.
     
  6. bearsdidit

    bearsdidit OT Supporter

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    so i'm kind of confused... did you guys have sex and do the bf/gf things? or where you still stuck in the friend zone>?
     
  7. mel my finger

    mel my finger New Member

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    friendszone. its sad how long it took me to realize this "friendship" was bullshit. she demanded special treatment as if she was my gf, and refused to give anything in return. and its not even about sex....its about respect.

    she's a tease and she craves the attention (she admits this stuff, but apparently when i bring it up then i'm "talking shit" about her :rolleyes:).

    it sounds bad to say it but there's a part of me that hopes Jim gets wrecked by her...me and the homies have tried talking to him about it but he's a lost cause as well. the only way he'll learn is the hard way.

    its an eye-opening experience, really. now i know which of my homeboys are guys of principle and who's the guy of opportunity.

    apparently for Jim, its about opportunity; its hoes before bros. :down:
     
  8. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    mel, mel, mel, mel, mel! You disappoint me! Just when I was getting to the end of your post I was feeling proud that you learned something from this whole situation. I was feeling proud that some guy helped himself out of his sucker nice guy malegirlfriend habits. I was proud that a guy was taking all of the correct steps and making the correct choices. But then you ruined by asking us if she has changed. Are you kidding me?! She has not "changed". She is who she is and who she always have been. The only thing that has changed is the situation. No longer are you her male girlfriend so she is using up the next available pussy whipped sucker. Things are going good for this guy at this time... just like it originally did for you and her. She isn't going to abuse their friendship in the beginning like she did yours in the end, that will come later. Sheesh! Has she changed.... Have you really learned anything?

    Your friend is not only selfish, but yes, it is true that he is completely pussy whipped. Get your friend on here pronto. Give him the asylum address and give him your username and password. He needs to be set straight right away because he sounds like Captain Pussy. You know this because you see yourself in him, just as a lot of us guys see how we were as well. Your friend is totally wasting his time with this girl and he is not going to get anywhere with her ever. He will only be used the same way you were. This girl loves admirers. You used to be one and now this guy is one.

    If you won't get him to come here then tell your friend to ask her out right away. Seriously. If he likes her tell him to quit being a chump like you were and to ask her out right now. The longer he waits, the more likely he will forever be stuck in friendzone (although I think he already is). If her answer is anything other than "yes" then she has no interest in dating him ever and he should then move on from her if he has any shred of self respect, as should you.
     
  9. mel my finger

    mel my finger New Member

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    okay, so this is interesting...

    i was debating if i should tell him the truth straight up, or sugar-coat it, or just not tell him anything at all...but then my homeboys tell me he got in a fight with her.

    apparently she got a hold of his cell phone and scrolled thru his call list and text messages, and found that he was still in touch with this other girl. and now Whats Her Face is HELLA pissed.

    somehwere in the back of my head i hear a loud evil laugh that says "i told him so..."

    she has this thing where she can talk to guys but she forbids her bf from talking to girls. :rolleyes: she promised her last bf that she wouldn't hang out with any guys (he lives in NorCal)...and she used to get calls from him while she was chillin with us, and she'd straight up lie to him, "oh, i'm just studying at home."

    so anyways, i think i'll just sit back and let it play out...this is just the beginning.
     
  10. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Sit back and enjoy the show. You come out best if you stay out of it.

    Appear neutral. Even if every fibre of your being is screaming out with laughter.

    Don't ride your buddy too hard... after the dust settles and she blows outta there...remember who your friends really are.
     
  11. mel my finger

    mel my finger New Member

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    Update

    the drama has died down significantly but i'm still feeling a lot of lingering resentment. i hate everything about Whats Her Face, and i hate everything associated with her. just seeing her car parked in front of my apartment (when Jim borrows it) is enough to get me all pissed off inside.

    hell, just looking at Jim these days pisses me off -- i hate him by association.

    okay, so just the other day he asked me if i'd be cool with her sleeping over because "she really wants to sleep over here." in my head i'm thinking "are you fucking kidding me??" but i bit my tongue and politely said, "nah man, i still feel too much resentment for her right now." he respectfully said, "okay" then packed up and left to spend the night at her place.

    Friend Issue or Roommate Issue?

    i can see this being a big issue for the rest of school year -- do i have the right (as a roommate) to tell Jim that Whats Her Face is not welcome to the apartment when i'm here??

    what if next month he comes to me and says, "this is bullshit, i'm bringing her over...she'll just stay in my room the entire time." is there anything i can do about it? because really, just having her in my proximity is enough to drive me up the wall; i seriously can't study and i can't live at my apartment in comfort if she's here.

    am i being unreasonable??

    Sidenotes
    • we live in a school affiliated apartment where the housing office ultimately decides who lives in what apartment. their handbook and license agreement mentions nothing relating to my situation.
    • my two other roommates have my back, but they really want to remain neutral to this whole situation; they don't wanna have to get up in Jim's face and say anything.
    • Jim lives in the biggest room and i live in the smallest room, yet we both pay equal rent. my interpretation is we're not paying $520/month to just live in our rooms comfortably -- we're paying $520/month to live in our apartment comfortably. with that said, i believe that i have the right to say, "she's not welcome here."
    • i can just see Jim coming up to me one day and saying, "that's bullshit, she's a guest in my room. you can't tell me who i can and can't have in my room."
    • i have a feeling that Jim thinks i'm being unreasonable because i'm supposedly just jealous. rest assured, i am not jealous. yes, i won't deny that i had feelings for her in the beginning and for a very short stint towards the end, but for the rest of the 2.5 years she caused me fits when we were only friends.
    • the real reason why i'm being so stubborn about having her over is because i don't want her to end up coming here all the time. its almost impossible to get her to end a conversation on the phone...and its even harder to get rid of her in person. i know that Jim will be too pussy whipped to tell her she has to go when the time ever comes...i know because that's exactly what used to happen to me in the past.
    so yeah, that's where everything stands for now. i don't know why but i just keep obsessing about the whole thing...almost every other thought ends up on this subject. i'm constantly rehearsing dialogues in my head between me & Jim...and me & Whats Her Face.

    it sucks because all this hate and anger is consuming me...and i can't get it out of my head because i'm living with Jim...i have a psychological association between him and my hate for Whats Her Face. all i want is to let go of this hate, but i feel like its almost impossible because i have all these constant reminders around me.

    Cliffs: drama's died down but i still have lots of lingering resentment. Jim asks me if she can sleep over. i say "no." i'm wondering if its unreasonable for me to tell Jim, as a roommate, that she's not welcome here as long as i'm here.
     
  12. Panoptimist

    Panoptimist Put a bangin' donk on it.

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    youre a pussywhipped little bitch, too.

    learn from your mistakes. no bitch is worth that. if your friends dont see that, they aint your friends.

    since your roommate is banging her now, you might want to sort that out.
     
  13. Killuminati

    Killuminati New Member

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    Did you ever have sex with her?
     
  14. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    You're not unreasonable in wanting to be comfortable in your own home. If her being there will make you uncomfortable then you have a right to limit her presence. Barring her completely would be unreasonable to your roommate, even though it's really his problem for picking up your leftovers.

    It doesn't matter who's paying more rent - you're sharing a living space and you both have rights to decide what goes on there. It's in bad taste for him to want to bring her around after a messy breakup on your part, but you can't really fault him for being blinded by love/lust and if she really is friends with everyone else in the house then you're going to have to put up with her occasionally. All the time, however, is not fair to you.
     
  15. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    If you are going this crazy over it then why don't you just find a new place to live?
     
  16. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    I think you should move out. If you can't move out and you guys split the bill, then he has every right to waste his time by bringing her over. If you can't handle it then you need to leave when she is there.
     
  17. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You're mistaking "compassion" which comes from a place of strength, for what you did which was "desperation" which comes from a place of weakness.

    You offered your time and money and energy in exchange for getting something more. You never got that something more.

    I hope you've learned (seems so) not to allow yourself to be used like that.
    Don't blindly offer up yourself when someone doesn't reciprocate.
     
  18. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Don't stick your pen in the ink-pot that is friends with your friends'... ink pots.
     
  19. mel my finger

    mel my finger New Member

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    great point, never thought of it that way...i'll definitely remember that. as much as i hate this whole situation, i'm glad i learned all this now, rather than later in my life when it could've been too late.

    anyways, looks like things are gonna be alright. i talked to Jim again and i told him, "as much as i hate her, i'll respect the fact that you like her. i just need you to understand that i have three years of her under my belt...that's three years of pent up frustration. i can't get those three years back...i just need my space from her now."

    he said he understands, and then he said he's planning on moving out this quarter, once his parents get their new house.
     

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