SRS Back again...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by teh_fuzz, May 30, 2008.

  1. teh_fuzz

    teh_fuzz New Member

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    way back in 2003 or 04 so I made a post about my relationship going to shit, and i remember getting some of the best advice from some of the folks here. Luckily, the problems were worked out (or so I thought) now yrs later, I am yet again facing the shittiest situation anyone could ever face.

    My wife of 5 years and S.O of 7 has decided to move out. this was after a month of trying to "see if she could let go of some issues" Sadly she is set to leave on Saturday, and I am left to find my own way from there on out.

    Is this a divorce? she says it may not be, but i cant help it to think she is just saying this to make me feel better about the situation.

    Over the past few years things werent so great, weve had our fair share of issues but I never thought they would be this bad, not bad enough to warrant her leaving me and asking for a divorce... this has made ting much much harder to swallow and while i have to realize this is the way it will end it doesnt make it any easier.

    I have this huge guilt over the failure of my relaitonship, I have failed my little girls, my wife and myself. I mean it takes 2 people to let this happen and we both bare the guilt here but i cant help it to feel like the lowest piece of shit right now.

    Ive lost my house
    Im in danger of loosing my car
    My family has gone to shit
    My little girls will not be with me as much as they have always been

    The house: I have been giving her the money for the payments, at least my half of it and 2 days ago i found out we had been getting certified letters in the mail about foreclosure. thing was she hasn't made a fucking payment since Feb and has kept the pink slips for the cert. letters so I had not been aware of them.

    My car, same deal: my money was going directly to the bill account she handled the bills, and now my car is well past 3 months back, I am now stuck having to make higher payments to get caught up on it if I am even able to keep it.

    My kids: i have the ability to work 3 and 4 12 hour shifts at my job, this gave me mon-wed free to spend at home with my girls, for the last 3 years ive been doing that, and now that will end. not only is that eating me up inside but after having spent so much time with them its almost like someone is ripping a piece of me away. and biy does that suck.

    She is stuck at work 12-18 hours a day, to her it was so we could have everything we wanted but honestly I could have doe without all of it, so long as she was home with us more often.

    Im confused, pissed, irritated, i dont know what to do and i am working on getting an apartment at this moment however, my house will be getting foreclosed on the 2nd, which leaves me no time to get anything done right.
    I will have to take the day off on saturday to move my stuff out of the house, while she moves to her grandmothers.

    I guess my question how or what can i do so I dont feel like this, Im tired of feeling like the lowest piece of shit. i mean yes, i had a hand in this but it wasnt all my fault, yet i feel like it is, I get the feeling she wants me to believe that is the way it is.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated by this returningOT-noob!

    thanks!
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    The sword has two edges , if you are in this situation it certainly has cut into your body and your bleeding like hell, but at the same time its an oppertunity to grab back the sword of control over your life from someone who can't wield it, namely your wife. My advice:

    Your house: Immediatly call the The mortgage holder , get a hold of him. Tell him the situation that your wife has been hiding the facts about the money payments and that she was holding back the bills of payments for the house. Just tell him she was emotionally unstable ,got derailed and got scared of the all the pink slips so much that she hided them from you, and you thinking everything was ok , got like struck by lightning when you heard the news. Ask the guy if you and him can talk on if there's some sort of downpayment structure ,that you are more then willing to pay your bills on then which hopefully both of you can agree on so that you can pay off the mortgage on the house.

    Your wife: STOP HER!!!, tell her that she has a responsibility towards her children its her fault for causing the financial crisis, so she can leave the house as soon as she has paid off the debts but not leaving you like this with the wreckage. Tell her that She is not allowed to put the house in a financial crisis, and then leave as she pleases. Tell her that she cannot walk away from her responsibilities just like that. That's she's leaving two children without a father, without a home, and you as an emotional trainwreck , tell her that she's so irrisponsible, ask her if she doesn't feel any guilt, tell her that she has to work together with you to fix this, if not for both of yourselves then for the children.

    Your car + the House. Im afraid BOTH of you are going to have to work overtime for an extended time and period of your life, and make amendments with the mortgage lender and car company to arrange a fair set deal to downsize the payments. You also need to cut down on getting groceries and reduce spending to the max and re-direct those savings into paying off the car and house, it would be helpfull if you show us your current pay-off payment schedule in order for us to make a plan to pay off your debts in a most benefitial way as possible.


    Your kids: tell them whats going on, that its going to be a difficult time and that mommy and daddy have to pay a lot of bills in order to keep to live in the home that they live in. Tell them that everything will be alright.

    You don't have the time to feel guilty, hiding those slips is not your fault, instead of feeling guilty DO something about the situation, make phonecalls, make money arrangments, cut down spending , bring the power of your life back were it belongs, namely in your hands. And do everything you can with that power in order to prevent your life from falling apart. Your situation is just like a disaster, what do people do in such a case? They try to save as much as they can , and into preventing themselves from going down the drain. You need to set priorities, save money and cut down on unneccesary things. Your wife is obliged to help out, since she is the cause of it.
     
  3. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Get a lawyer ASAP
     
  4. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    I'm truly sorry for you that your marriage is ending, and you need to get a lawyer like Matt said, however...

    Maybe I'm just glancing over other issues, but didnt you just write that in effect, she's been stealing your money? I can understand feeling a little guilt about the kids, but dammit man, this money thing is rediculous. That right there w/o any emotional/relationship issues is enough for me to consider ending or pausing a relationship/marriage with someone...

    What the hell did she do with the money you gave her for the house/car payments?
     
  5. teh_fuzz

    teh_fuzz New Member

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    Well the money went to pay off overdraft fees she and at times I kept piling up... the thing is she makes A LOT more than I do, but I have come to find out she cannot manage money for shit!

    I cant make the house payments, utilities, insurance and house upkeep on my own. I dont even like the fucking place. I move out to the suburbs because that was where she wanted to go. So honestly, loosing the house has irritated me but not because it is my house but more along the lines of because of the way this all came about.

    The car... I can catch the car payments up on my own, honestly i dont want anything from her if she is leaving me. It would be great to work things out but i cannot make her change her mind, nor do i want someone who is unhappy by my side.

    Its not like we had an overwhelming amount of debt, she makes the bank, i paid for vision, medical, life and got some money going for our retirement through my work. My money went into the bill account and she was to handle all of that. I honestly cant say where the money went, other than to pay overdraft fees, coffee & drinks plus the cigarrettes, which is what she buys multiple times a day.

    The kids will be spending their time with one of us around the week.
    Mon - Wed They will be with me
    Thurs - Sat with her
    Sundays will be rotated between her and I as I work every other Sunday.

    The problem with that is: On thurs - Sat she works so my girls will be going to daycare and spending only a few hours with their mom, she works 12-16 hour days and usually goes to bed right after getting home. what kind of quality time is that? mind you the fact that these little girls (6 months and 3yrs old) have spent every night with me around, and 4 out of 7 days have been spent entirely around me. I fed them, I changed diapers, I cared for them, I gave them baths, I played with them, i helped them learn to sit, crawl and walk (well my older one so far lol) and now because she is bitter and pissed off at me over something I had no idea was wrong they will be deprived of seeing their "papi" on a nightly basis? I've told her all of this, but she is still with the idea that she needs to think things over, she is currently not sure she wants the divorce, but not sure if she wants to stay with me. In the mean time the kids are the ones that will suffer the most out of all this shit... she cant see that, and its so irritating that she is not seeing eye to eye when all I am looking for is the best interest of my girls.

    I honestly cannot understand women.
     

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