SRS Back again.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by SpectreMatrix, Aug 27, 2007.

  1. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    Well... I survived all the horrible crap, everything for the most part is in order. Now that I have a moment to breathe, I am in full blown breakdown. I am broken, my life is excellent order. I make good money, have my own house, my own car. I am pretty sure this new girl I am seeing cares a lot about me. But I have terrible dreams, of those loved and lost over the years. EVERY NIGHT. All I can to avoid this is work myself to death so I pass so far out I don't really remember anything or don't sleep well enough to really dream.

    I can't hold my shit together anymore.

    I have tried meds before it hasn't worked out well at all over the years.

    There just isn't enough positive in my life to hold me up. People are cdnstantly taking away and not giving any back. I am emotional and mentally raped of all that is me.

    I am tired, pissed and emotionally dead.

    I am fucking tired of carrying other people.

    I am tired of the bullshit honor code that I was taught, respect this, never do that. Always take care of people BLAH BLAH BLAH . I am tired of being the fucking protector of people who can't take care of themselves. I bust my ass and they reach up and cut my fucking throat. I just want to cry and not have to be hard ass all the time to protect my friends and family. I am always the one called when people have problems. What the fuck about mine ? People say "oh come tell me" last person I took up on that offer just cried and couldn't hanldle it. I have lost six close friends in the last 6 years and a lot of family. I am half parenting my own parents. you can't always do what is right, you will go crazy. Why did I survive when better people died?

    Fuck I hate this. I don't know what to do other than drug myself up on meds and just become a walking talking uncaring robot. I will lose all that makes me, me again. I don't know what to do. I can't stop, people need my, they can't survive without me. I just don't want to cry anymore. I can't fight anymore, I just can't pull out any more metal from deep down.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    :hug: *hugs* welcome back , i was wondering how you have been doing, and i was actually imagining that you were doing very good ever since the whole bussiness odeal was arranged. However seemingly these nightmares seem to reoccur many times in your life to haunt you. Conclusion , you have a burn-out.

    When that happens you need a shimmering light of hope back into your life, that light is the asylum or at least i hope you will find some relieve. And if you keep having trouble with deceased loved ones, you can come back where we can discuss it. Stop bottling things up, from now on your not allowed to make your heart a murder hole, if you need to talk, to cry or to express your emotions do so in here in this safe enviroment. :love:

    Now you might remembered that i said. " A farmer can only take so much load upon his hayfork before the load becomes to heavy and you fall. Now listen carefully, because you are still in a spiritual very difficult situation.

    Look back at your lifestyle, you are completely DESTROYING yourself with the lifestyle you currently lead. Its not only about taking a step back which is important. Its the word BALANCE which is the most important thing in your life right now. So here's my advice.

    Helping people is OK but NOT IF YOU GET DESTROYED IN THE PROCESS.

    In order to maintain the balance YOU COME FIRST! You can't help other people if you are a fucked up mess yourself, if you constantly help other people while you neglect yourself can lead to diseases, and maby even death.

    In my previous life i died for exactly that same reason, because i always helped people and neglected myself. As a result i got diseased, this disease disabled me , and forced me to review my own life of living in neglect of myself, for me helping others was life, and because i couldn't do that anymore i commited suicide , coming back in reincarnation i learned the error of not only my suicide but also of my neglect and unability to make the correct priorities in my life. I come first in life, and until i have reached the point that i have balanced myself out i cannot reach the point that i have arranged my life so that i can help others.

    Your basically just filling in the void in your life with the wrong things. You've been neglecting yourself and your feelings. Thats what it comes down to.

    The next coming weekend you will go either golfing, or bowling, sailing and blow off some steam. I want you to do this every once in 2 or 3 weeks. Stop making your heart a murder hole, start practising yoga. Buy a yoga book. Its not wether you believe in that stuff or not, at this moment its just important that you sit down and relax every time your heart is in chaos and meditate in order to bring all those chaotic feelings back in order. Do this ok? , this isn't a joke , its my real advice that you should relax, if you find yoga to boring , go do shaolin kung fu. Remember there's only so and so much you can do as a human being. People are responsible for their own lives, and you can only do so and so much on a daily basis, do more and you will start to suffer from a burn-out.

    Imagine i was your best family member who you loved the most, i die in some crazy car accident. Would you really think that i would love to see you have nightmares over that each day? Of course not, i want you to be happy and live a great life. Remember that each and every closed loved one of yours that has died, wants you to be happy, and agrees that you deserve a good nights sleep. When you see family members or lost loved ones floating in your mind when you try to sleep remember that, they all want peace for you and you to sleep well.

    So what is a positive life. Very simple positive experience = a positive life.
    Negative life = build up accumulated negative experiences.

    So in order to change your life , you have to change the situation. Stop going for the diamonds in your life and settle for the brass, you spend less time working and more time on yourself relaxing. Not drugs or any shit like that. Things that are positive and constructive for your life, things that build you up and are happy experiences. Going to an theme or amusement park, and for closer at home playing tennis, golfing. Basically things that relax you v.s sending yourself in all time high stress.

    You know the bussiness is important, but you also have your private and personal life, these are 2 things that you need to balance, this because balance plays a very important part in life, that seeing the circumstances isn't strange that you had to neglect it, but you need to slowly come back to a life where you regain your peace and sanity. Therefore go out and have a good time instead of working yourself to death just to get some sleep, you have to do things that will make you come at peace and ease and improve the balance of work v.s relax in your life. Work to live, not live to work ok? Helping is ok ,dont' destroy yourself in the process. You come first ,before you can help others.
     
  3. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    My nature is a very strong part of how I identify myself. I guess I need help from somewhere to really build up that other part. Its not like I am not trying to go out and do things to balance out things. I do meditation, work out a lot now. I try to go out with friends and enjoy myself.

    I just have to be so controlled all the time. I rarely get to really break free and be myself, even off on vacation. I definitely am trying to avoid things like drinking to bring me to that point. The past few days though I have really had it out with people, people who have been pushing me too far. I ignored every phone call today, checked the voicemail and only answered the ones where people were just concerned about me (which was two out of about fourty)

    I started seeing this girl, but its still in the early stages and she is dealing with her own thing. She definitely does care. But as per my previous posts, my stress levels aren't anywhere near "normal" I have multi-million dollar guns pointed at my head most of the time.

    Anyways.... as I was saying its been hard of late to really push to the positive side of things. I have lost a few key elements of my support network. I need to rebuild that somehow.

    I am making people deal with their own shit for the week and see what happens.
     
  4. blueNcream

    blueNcream win OT Supporter

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    That's what i did. I feel tons better. Maybe your situation was like mine, but I was at a point where I did everything so well that they will neglect you and let you handle their problems for them. :nono: I said fuck it and bounced. I can breathe again. :wiggle:
     
  5. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    definitely worth a shot, though I am spending too much time as a result.
     
  6. SpectreMatrix

    SpectreMatrix New Member

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    Ok I spent a majority the day cutting away dead wood and things that were dragging on me. I am tearing everything down, looking at if it is really worth while. What isn't.. I throw the fuck away.

    I have been issuing straight up challenges to my friends. And the good ones are just up front and standing out. The rest can go fuck themselves.

    Taking these problems by the throat and crushing them.
     

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