SRS baby mama drama..should i approach my bf?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by big 1, Jan 7, 2007.

  1. big 1

    big 1 New Member

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    To make things short, ill start off by saying the following. October-December 2005, my boyfriend cheated on me with "the other woman" and got her pregnant. Needless to say I felt upset and angry and betrayed. I decided to forgive him and stay with him to make things work, because I love him and im not losing him to a stripper..(which is what she did for money b4 she got pregnant). This post is about my trust issues with him now, after the babys birth. (The baby is 3.5 months old).
    Now, BEFORE the baby was born, me and my bf discussed how we were going to "deal" with this situation." we agreed that the only contact he would have with the other woman was the mandatory support checks he had to cut her every month. He said he disliked the woman and didn’t want any contact with her. Recently, I have found out the following things that he has chosen to keep from me about the baby/"other woman":

    1) she brings the baby over every Monday for custody visits. He kept this from me, saying he had to "work" or "run errands". I felt betrayed because this entire time he was really with his baby and he never told me. I feel lied to.
    2) When I found out, I assumed it was just my bf and the baby, but I also found out the "other woman" stays for drinks and "hangs out" when the babys over. Every Monday.
    3) Whenever she calls he picks the phone up right away. Anytime of day. I feel that they are forging a bond and that they are becoming involved. because she is the mother of his baby, I cant say anything. I feel alone.
    4) I recently found out that he was present in the hospital room when she was giving birth. This totally freaked me out because he lied and said he didn’t go, until recently when he admitted it. To me this is especially painful, because usually a man stays in the birth room when they’re married or committed to each other. At least, this is what I believe....

    As a result, I fell generally mistrusting of him. I feel that I cant believe anything he says. I feel that he completely disregarded out original agreement about the custody of the baby, and I fear that hes going to return to the woman he cheated on me with.
    I feel that it doesn’t matter how long we’ve dated,( 4 years) how romantic he is, how "strong" we are together, because he is legally obligated to this woman for 18 more years now. She will always be there, and I constantly feel second. I don’t know what to do. I would feel differently if he had his son BEFORE we started dating, but to me this baby is a tangible reminder of how he cheated on me.
    So, my question is, should I approach him with these feelings? Or, do I have no right to say these things to him, in order to keep "my place"? Im at a loss, the thoughts are driving me nuts!!
     
  2. whatever

    whatever OT Supporter

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    youve dated him 4 years now. is he the kinda guy to step up and take responsiblity for his actions and be there not nessisaryily just for her, but for the kid?
    you gotta remember that to him, its not just about her, its about the kid.

    sounds like you need to refine your thoughts a little more. wear his shoes and think like him to see his side. then approach him on it.
     
  3. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    I'd approach him about this...but my honest thought is that you might just be better off ending the relationship. In all fairness, his first commitment SHOULD be to the child...he was responsible for its conception, and he needs to man up and deal with the consequences of his actions. Also..that reason for staying with im that I bolded...I hope to God that wasn't one of the primary reasons. If it is, you need to rethink the relationship in general. It's not a game. It's not about who is better, or who has a higher class job. It's about the 2 people involved in the relationship.

    Honestly, I'd just get out. You probably won't be able to compete with an ex and child together. Hell, I wouldn't want to be with a woman if she cheated and got pregnant from it. If he's willing to be a part of the child's life, good for him, but how much room is that going to leave for you?

    It sounds like you really just might be better off getting out.
     
  4. Nightrox

    Nightrox I'm a brownie

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    I'd get out.
    How can you even forgive someone for doing that? I know I could never.
    :dunno:
     
  5. big 1

    big 1 New Member

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    thanks guys you really gave me some perspective.... im closing this thread now i got wat i needed form it :)
     
  6. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    Be happy he is actually being a man and seeing his child.

    I know you are really against that happening, but that is honestly how I feel. The fact that he is keeping it from you is a whole different story though. He has cheated on you in the past which deems him untrustworthy until he proves he is trustworthy, which he obviously isn't doing.

    It is his child, why wouldn't he have been in the birthing room? I know you harbor some serious resentment against this child and his mother, but the child is a completely innocent part of this. I hope you can find it in your heart to realize that.

    Let me ask you this again. Are you getting what you want out of the relationship? If you're not, why wouldn't you approach him and tell him how you feel?
     
  7. johan

    johan Active Member

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    He is at least trying to do something for that baby, which by the way, is HIS SON. Yes, HIS SON in case you somehow forgot.

    News flash, you are not the top priority in his life, and what you call him "sneaking away" is him trying to do at least something (though pitifully) to be something in his son's life.

    He was present in the delivery room for the birth of HIS SON, and you resent him for it?
    Think how pathetic that makes you sound.

    Anyways the rest of this is pure rubbish. You should break up with him, as this relationship is a pure train wreck and only getting worse.

    Yes he cheated on you and the relationship is pretty doubtful on that basis alone.

    The fact that he is trying to play some small part in his life shows he's not a total asshat. But he still cheated on you, meaning you and him....is not looking good.

    The fact that you cannot reconcile his fatherhood and its requirements and duties that shows you need to do a lot of growing up. A LOT.

    Go find yourself another man, a man who commits to you.



    This one stepped out, and furthermore has a son now. You can't just sweep that fact away.
    "...She has him for 18 years..." Please. His Son should and will be a part of his life forever.

    That you make him feel ashamed, that he has to sneak around and hide the fact of his fatherly duty...goddamit that is absolutely shameful of you!
     
  8. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    allow me to expand on this.

    Your relationship with him is pretty much over. Why? He has made a commitment to his son, and that commitment is going to be more important than you.

    Yes, it sucks to hear that, but he is owning up to the consequences of his mistakes. The whole conception from his cheating shows that his commitment to you was shaky in the first place.

    You don't have trust issues. You have letting go issues. You're not losing him now..you lost him a little over a year ago when he cheated on you.

    What do you want him to do, just completely forget about his son?

    Then think about what kind of boy you would be dating. One who shirks his responsibilities and ignores the consequences of his actions. It's unfortunate, because either way, you lose in the relationship.

    Move on. It's over, and has been for some time.
     

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