SRS Attn: OTers with parents that divorced when you were little (under age 10)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by James Deanely, Jul 16, 2009.

  1. James Deanely

    James Deanely Active Member

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    This is a question for Oters with parents that divorced when you were still a child. I am curious to know how it affected you and at what age your parents split up. Do you still remember the good times thats you've had right up to the moment when shit happened or are those memories washed away as you grew up? Someone told me that childhood memories (both good and bad) are mostly forgotten up until around the age of 10 - meaning when you are grown up you usually have no recollection of your childhood and the people that played a major part of it. For example if a 5 year old's parents split up and the dad just moved away, never to be seen again, the 5 year old will probably miss him for the first couple of weeks and then pretty much totally forget that he has/had a dad. Is this BS???
     
  2. pbajwabb

    pbajwabb New Member

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    I remember going to my dads on the weekend when I was like 5 or 6 and crying because I didnt want to leave
     
  3. Charliesc

    Charliesc Pain is an illusion

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    Age 3. Didn't affect me. I remember driving away from our house for the last time. As well as bits and pieces from that house.

    Parents have been in my life (25 now) and are acquaintances.
     
  4. Joybang

    Joybang New Member

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    I was 6 months old. Never knew the difference.
     
  5. copperkali

    copperkali Mrs. Nicklk

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    As far as I'm concerned, I've never known good times. My parents divorced when I was like 4ish. When they were together all I remember is my dad beating the shit out of my mom. :hs: Ya, I might be fucked up to this day (now 27) from that.
     
  6. copperkali

    copperkali Mrs. Nicklk

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    I used to cry when I had to go back to my dad's house from my mom's house :hs:
     
  7. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    My parents split when I was 5/6. I remember the day Dad walked out and even now thinking about it makes me sad. I remember going to family court and talking to people to tell them who I wanted to live with (during the divorce and custody process) and I remember my mother telling me my father didn't want me.

    I have a few memories of Dad making dinner as he always cooked, of him getting annoyed at me one night because I wouldn't have a bath so he threw me in fully clothed :rofl: and of me diving for a cricket ball and the bicycle pump I had in my mouth went through the roof of my mouth. But as for when we were all hanging around playing happy families? Not really. The memories usually involve just one parent
     
  8. James Deanely

    James Deanely Active Member

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    Wow. That must have been a vivid memory! It sounds like you were very close with your dad. Just a little background, I too am very close to my children - but due to some serious marriage issues I feel like I need to just walk away. I dont think I can handle the pain of watching my children suffer thru what will probably become a bitter and extremely protracted divorce process. I am at the point where nothing really matters - willing to give up everything all my possessions to my children. Just want to hop in my truck with nothing more than the shirt on my back and some gas / housing / food money and literally drive until the road ends and then just stay and chill for a while. But I also want to know that if one day I see my children somewhere on the street or whatever, that they will still remember me as their father. I know I sound like a bastard for planning this but I am just totally wacked now. Oh well
     
  9. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    James, when my parents split my mother moved us to another country. My dad said I could stay with him but my mother wouldn't let me and told me my dad didn't really want me. He didn't fight, he just let go. He still rang and sent cards on birthdays. I had one or two flights back to spend holidays with him (which were horrible in the fact he remarried and his step kids were brats and his wife was jealous of me). My mother used the fact he found another wife as proof that he really didn't want me...blah blah blah blah.

    A lot of people said my father gave up on me. Some people say he should have fought harder. But I am now grown with my own family and I live just around the corner from my Sad and we have a great relationship. I am closer to my Dad than my Mother (I actually speak to him :rofl:) and I hold nothing against him for not fighting harder.

    He is now on his third marriage and my half siblings from his second marriage have been brainwashed by their mother, so in their eyes he is a horrible dad so based on that doing what you want to do could go either way. It really depends on the mother I say.

    Make an effort, but don't put them in the middle. If it means leaving just make sure you never lie to them, always keep your promises, and remind them it isnt about them
     
  10. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    I was 6/7 still remember the night dad moved out of the house I watched him drive away :sad2: My parents were to say the least less than cordial for years that was pretty awkward, both of them were always involved in our lives though they just didn't get along very well. Its a lot better now they can both be in the room at the same time they still don't talk but at least they can be civil for the sake of their kids/grandkids :hs:

    If you do get divorced with kids don't shit talk each other to the kids leave them out of it that was the worst part for me, other than that I grew up a normal life with no deep seeded childhood issues.
     
  11. Daria

    Daria New Member

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    same here. I was fucking relieved and excited when my mom took me and my sister and left. It was like girls' night out for the rest of my life living with my mom.

    The things that DID fuck me up were things my dad did later when the courts ordered my mom to let my dad see us. He had a motorbike accident where he got a piece of metal in his head so he was really sick after I was three years old, so I never knew him before that. But he'd still be a super-nice cool guy when he was medicated, but when he snapped, it was fucking freaky and that screwed me up more than anything.

    It was the inner turmoil of seeing nice-dad and then seeing fucked-up-dad that really screwed me up mentally.
     
  12. GuiltySparc

    GuiltySparc OT Supporter

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    i was 8 when my parents got divorced (i'm 26 now). I remember the day my dad told me pretty vividly. I was in the driveway playing with some rocks when he came out and told me. I remember crying and him saying "i didnt mean for it to turn out this way" while he was hugging me. :hs:

    I remember bits and pieces of the house we were in, but nothing really from before that day.

    After my mom, brother, and I moved out i remember a few things about the house we lived in. I remember being really sad and crying a lot that next year.
     
  13. PlayForBlood

    PlayForBlood The rules, rules don't apply to you. You're specia

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    My dad left when I was 3 months old just like you are planning to. Was getting divorced from my mom and didn't want to be around us.
    I went on my own(since my brother and sister despise him so)and found him when I was 28. He said that he always planned on calling, but never did. I hate him and your kids will most likely hate you for abandoning them.
    You want them to see you as a father later on then be a man and be a father to them now and don't stop.
    The kids that make it through divorce the best have both parents there for them and know that both parents love them.
     
  14. tenxia

    tenxia OT Supporter

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    To the OP here, do you all have daddy issues? (I know it's hard to admit but think and be honest)

    I'm just curious. What kind of men are you drawn to?
     
  15. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    PLEASE read the bolded and take it to heart.

    I was 7 when my parents divorced. i have very few memories of them being happy and together, but i have plenty of memories from 7 on. the divorce was bad, but we all survived it. while my parents fought a lot with each other, they also fought to each stay in our lives equally, and for that i am thankful. i did 2 weeks at my moms, then 2 weeks at my dads each month.

    back to the bolded...my mom never talked shit on my dad or my stepmom once. it wasnt until she passed away and i called my stepdad complaining about something my dad had done did i find out my moms true feelings on my dad and stepmom.
    however, my dad and stepmom STILL shit talk on my mom (for what reason, i dont know, they have been married for 17 years and my mom has been dead for 10, so im not sure why she even comes up in conversation). i realize that my mom made some bad decisions and that she hurt my dad, but shes still my mom. the fact that my dad drags my brother and i into the middle still makes me think he is very low class. dont do that to your kids.
     
  16. trek65

    trek65 New Member

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    I was 9 when my parents decided to split.. They have stayed extremely good friends since then (now 12 years ago).. I have always remembered the good times we all had
     
  17. James Deanely

    James Deanely Active Member

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    You are pretty much describing my worse nightmare and possibly a reason for me to stick it out for as long as I can hold it. Although I do not know your exact situation but I can sort of understand why your dad would do the thing that he did. I have done alot of reading, researching and soul searching on the subject of divorce and child custody. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that a custody battle for me would be a losing battle. The court systems today (as I am sure they were in your dad's time but even worse) favor the mother most if not all of the time. This means that no matter what, unless there are criminal or psychological elements involved with the mother, the father will always be fighting a losing battle to get the kids. This is reality and I have learned to accept it. I am not wealthy so I will not be able to hire a top lawyer nor would I want to draw out the process. I can honestly tell the from the actions of the mother that she will fight for the kids - not necessarily because she wants them - but she will do it to SPITE me! So faced with these options what would a sane but emotionally destroyed person do?
     
  18. copperkali

    copperkali Mrs. Nicklk

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    What is considered daddy issues?
     
  19. tenxia

    tenxia OT Supporter

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    Unavailable men (emotionally or physically). Or much older men (Maybe 10+ years older than you).
     
  20. PlayForBlood

    PlayForBlood The rules, rules don't apply to you. You're specia

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    that is a tough one....
    If it was me I would try to get as much time with them as I can.
    I have my own son now that I only see 50% of the time.
    Me and his mother worked out an agreement without going to court and have stuck to it for 5 years now.
    Being in their lives, if only every other weekend is much better then not being in their lives at all
     
  21. Bella

    Bella New Member

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    Where do you want me baby?!
    My parents divorced when I was 6, and I was fine with it.

    There is a lot of stuff that went down between my mom and dad that I was there but I have no memory of it. My little brother has had to fill me in on a couple things actually.
    The thing I remember is my mom taking me out of school early and telling me to grab all my stuff at school and home to go to my Oma's house. Then a couple days after that we met my dad by my Oma's house and they told us they were getting a divorce and I was cool about it. Didn't really bother me, I was excited to get two birthday gifts and xmas at that time. We even went to the divorce hearing and my brother and I were playing.

    I remember ALOT after the divorce though. My dad hit me a lot because I looked like my mom and chose to live with her. Thats when I understood why my mom left.

    As to daddy issues... I don't have any since I grew up with an AWESOME stepdad. My dad though I don't talk to... he's talked so much bad stuff about my family (my mom is indonesian/dutch) and talks about how we need to be shipped off cause we don't deserve to live in the US etc but thats the extent of daddy issues I guess
     
  22. James Deanely

    James Deanely Active Member

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    PFB - With 50% custody, what happens with the schooling? Assuming the parents live in different cities. For example the 2 week on 2 week off custody. Does the child need to attend 2 schools??
     
  23. PlayForBlood

    PlayForBlood The rules, rules don't apply to you. You're specia

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    has to go to one school I believe by law, so 50/50 probably wouldn't work in that situation

    Me and my sons mom live close still so thank God that is not an issue for us
     
  24. mestizo

    mestizo New Member

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    I left my dad when I was 4. Not a divorce deal, but I'll still throw in my two cents.

    Sometimes, I want to hate him but I find it hard. From older family friends, I gather that my mom basically trapped him because she wanted to have a child. They worked together. He already had a wife and kids.

    They tossed me around on the weekends while I was a baby, but I always lived with my mom. When I was 4, we moved from Texas to Florida and I never really saw him again. He visited once and I saw him again when I was in high school. He never paid child support and my mom never expected it. He did send a little money and a card/phone call on birthdays.

    He shot himself in the head when I was a sophomore in high school. My mom was pretty devastated, but I didn't really feel anything. I don't have any happy memories, and I don't ever really feel sad that hes gone. I'm just numb about it all. Dunno if that makes me fucked up :dunno:
     
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2009
  25. Papa Sil

    Papa Sil Privileged User

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    I was 4 when my parents got divorced. I am the youngest of 4 children.

    I have always had a great long-term memory. I have very vivid recollections of when I was just a small child.

    I remember standing out back of our farm house when my dad was loading up a spare mattress into this white truck. I was crying my ass off. He closed the rear door to the moving truck, came over to me and picked me up. Said this wasn't the last time we would see each other and that things will be just fine.

    My eldest brother took me and my dad got in the truck. I watched him drive down the gravel driveway.

    Shit still makes me tear up.

    I hated it. I ended up living with my mom. All of us did. She had full custody. I remember her always trying to tell us bad things about my dad. About he doesn't care, etc. I hated her for that. I still do.

    I'll be 24 in a week. I'm finally getting my shit together and starting college on the 24th of August :hs:

    Best of all.... I'm going to live with my dad. Yeah, I'll be living with a parent. Who gives a shit. He's wanted me to go to college since I graduated high school and wanted to pay for it as well. He wants us to have a real relationship and I could not be happier about it.

    Not usually like this, but this thread really got to me.
     

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