SRS Asylum, i need your thoughts.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by the Rosswog, Feb 7, 2005.

  1. the Rosswog

    the Rosswog OT Supporter

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    I've been a long time asylum lurker... I wish I could help every one of you, but most of the time I can't even help myself.

    Here's my story.

    Last June, my girlfriend of 6 years and I broke up. We lived together, and had promised our lives to each other. I loved her more than anything in the world, and she was my best friend. The pain that I felt during that time was devastating. More than once I came close to taking my own life. I cannot describe in one paragraph the way I felt about her, and the amount of disapointment I experienced. There is no question that It was the lowest point of my life.

    I spent months secluded from everything... I quit both of the bands I was playing in, I tried to be around my friends and family, but more often than not, I found myself alone...

    I would write and think about how much I loved her and how I never thought I would be able to move on. That she was my soul mate. That she was perfect. That I could never love anyone else.

    I started rebuilding my life around my work and fitness/ dieting. About 4 months later I met up with an old friend and we started hanging out and going out to meet people. I started doing things i had never done before... dancing and drinking at clubs and bars. It wasnt hard for me to meet girls.

    I went through a phase where I was trying to hook up with people... and i had no problem. I messed around with a bunch of girls... had sex with a few of them and generally lived the life of a single 22 year old. I had absolutely no feelings for any one of them. I would be laying in bed with a girl who was staring into my eyes and telling me how glad she was that she met me... and it meant nothing. Nothing at all. The only thing I felt was regret that I would hurt them by my incapability to feel anything back.

    This went on for a few months. It got boring after a while... and I started remembering who I am. Im not a player, im not a partyer... I am a caring person. Im faithful, and I am capable of commitment and dedication. I am into romance and love... and I dont want to be seen as a typical guy who uses women for sex... because i'm not.

    At that point i decided i was just going to hang out at home and take a break from trying to meet someone. I was thinking about my ex... how much i miss what we had... how much I hate living alone. How much I am ready to move on with my life.

    It was also that at that point something very unexpected happened.

    A girl I was introduced to about 4 months before hand started talking to me on myspace/ AIM and we decided to go out. I knew she was a cool girl, but i wasnt expecting anything to happen. The day we were supposed to go out, I sat in my bedroom and thought about how afraid I was that I would never have feelings for her. My heart refused to believe anything good would come out of that date.

    That date went well. extremely well. In fact, my head was spinning for 2 days straight because of how amazing I felt. We went out to dinner, then rented some movies and watched them at my place. She slept over and we spent the entire morning laying in bed just talking about everything. We had so much in common i couldnt believe it. I found it amazing how much we thought alike and how we both wanted and liked the same kind of things.

    After that day I lapsed back into depression... i was so worried and confused... that i was actually falling for someone... and doubting that they felt the same way. It was a really bad feeling. I worked myself up so bad that i had my brother come over to talk about things and i just sat there and cried. I felt like nothing was ever going to work out. and that glimpse of happiness i had was so great that I couldnt handle it.

    So i ended up talking to her online throughout the week and on thursday night i asked her if she would meet me somewhere so we could hang out and talk. I wanted to let her know how i was feeling... that spending time with her made me feel amazing. She said she didnt know why i would want to meet her right then... and just to tell her what i wanted to say through AIM. I didnt want to but, i just said that "saturday morning was the best feeling I've had in years". She said that was a good thing. She also said that she isnt sure shes ready for a relationship yet because she is about to graduate college and doesnt know whats going to happen. But she is open to seeing how things work out, and she'd be more than happy to go out again soon.

    So we made plans to go out the next day and we did. We went out to dinner again, and basically did the same thing as the first time. She slept over, but there was less of a positive vibe from her... we didnt even kiss until we woke up the next morning. But we still talked about a lot of things and everything went good on that front. We made plans to go to the Pittsburgh Auto Show next weekend and decided we would do something different for dinner.

    Ive seen her 2 other times besides those 2 dates and I cant wait to see her again. I cant stop thinking about the possibility of meeting someone that i really like. She isnt perfect... but when i am with her it feels so much different than anything esle, and it feels great.

    Now, instead of doubting that I will be able to ever have feelings for her, I am worried that I'm falling for her and that she doesnt have feelings for me. I want to take it slow, and take it easy. I dont want to burden her with these heavy thoughts of wanting to be with her and getting serious with her. I just want to have fun. I just want to be happy. I just want to know that she's interested. It's only been 2.5 weeks since we've started talking and going out.

    I need to get a grip on this but i dont know what to do. When I am with her everything feels right. When i'm alone with her I can think clearly... something I havent been able to do in months. I cant help but to really want something good to come out of this. It's like my whole life changed that first night i was with her.

    My life is filled with doubt. I've been careful about keeping any negative thoughts away when im around her. I just need a way to show her that i'm really feeling something here... but i dont want to let my guard down and expose myself.

    What the fuck.

    cliffs:

    broke up with GF of 6 years.
    months of depression and counseling go by.
    i meet up with an old friend and we go out meeting girls.
    hooking up with random people gets old.
    i get bitter and sad that i will never have feelings for anyone ever again.
    out of the blue i meet up with a girl and my world has been turned upside down. I feel like i am falling for her.
    I am afraid that it wont work out. I am a slave to my doubts.
     
  2. Nyaar

    Nyaar Cobra Dreadnot

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    You are 22, slow down. You are looking to get married at 23? Life is to short to worry about other people that make you unhappy. Don't stess so much, if you fall for the girl, you fall, just be sure that she's into you before you commit to your death sentance. I've been alone for years, and everytime I think of hooking up, I feel like it's a prison sentance. You are still young, don't stress the whole relationship crap.
     
  3. the Rosswog

    the Rosswog OT Supporter

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    I hear what you are saying, however i disagree with your way of thinking. I am young, but I've worked hard for a long time already and I've already started my career, I've accomplished a lot things already in life, and I've experienced true love... which is the greatest thing in the whole world. I may be 22, but my life is probably more like a 32 year olds.

    Relationships arent "crap" they are beautiful experiences. In my opinion they make life worth living. I see no value in only living for myself.
     
  4. trackstar400

    trackstar400 Active Member

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    I see where you are coming from. You better be careful. Relying on someone else for happiness is a recipe for disaster. Im not trying to say that that is what you are doing, but just be very careful.
     
  5. the Rosswog

    the Rosswog OT Supporter

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    I'm glad you reminded me of that... which i will keep in my thoughts. It was a lesson i learned the hard way a long time ago.

    I'm not looking for this person to "complete" me... i am looking to another person to share my life and what i have with. I see myself as a complete person. I dont depend on anyone. I'm just lonely... I hate living by myself and i'm ready for something special in my life. Something that i can give to just as much as i recieve.
     
  6. johan

    johan Active Member

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    There's nothing wrong with that, you know best how to live your own life and what you need out of it to make yourself happy and fulfilled.

    Remember though that many an "old-before-their-time" 32 year old, reaches 32 and surveys his life....and wishes he'd lived like a 22 year old when he had the chance. Of course, 32 is hardly over the hill; I'm just saying that there's a time and place for everything.

    It's great that you realize that filling your life with meaningless hookups is ultimately...meaningless. I think you were emotionally numbed, and now the floodgate is threatening to burst open now that a person of interest has entered your life.

    What should you do? Well...pursue it of course. Will you get hurt? Maybe. Could it all blow up just as quickly as it started? Of course it could.

    Should any of that deter you? Nope, at least, I don't think so. You've already realized that relationships are a great thing. Good, bad or neutral, they essentially teach us about ourselves through the act of relating to another.

    As we grow, we constantly gain new realizations about ourselves. Let this relationship take you wherever it will. Use your good judgement, but don't shut off your heart. (Though I doubt you have a problem with that).

    Listen to your feelings. They will take you where you need to go, though it's not necessarily to a good place.

    Even pain and hurt are good things once in a while. They teach humility and the truth that we can endure, and we are now stronger than we once thought possible.

    Good luck.
     

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