SRS Assisted suicide

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by scottymcc, Sep 5, 2009.

  1. scottymcc

    scottymcc New Member

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    What is your take on someone who has tried privately every single medication available bar one only to encounter, time after time that the med fails after just getting to the point where it would provide a satisfactory release from your ills?

    You finnally take one which is working only to find you are in fact allergic to it? One which has a low rate of allergic reactions (Verapamil) and was the only thing holding your life together?

    I'm Ultraradian Bipolar with Psychosis and now have no options left.

    What I find out later is it was a rash and flu like symptoms due to a viral infection, though not till I went out and caught HIV from some damn hooker who prefered not to use protection. I can't say I cared as I planned on hanging myself that day.

    Now I know it wasn't that and I also know that HIV makes mental illness worse, I haven't come across a case like mine though were it is so quick and drastic in needing to put up meds so quickly.

    Luckily I have enough phenobarbital to end it, just need some other drugs but do you ever feel that perhaps God has a plan to torture some of us? That he is infact a sadistic POS in need of our pain?

    I was so close after 18 years to a normal life and all of a sudden I get hit with this....it was a hetero exp if this means anything. Chances were in my favour but obviously mean squat.

    I will be ending it soon as I get the other drugs I need (I know which ones).
     
  2. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    When I lost my brother and dad with 2 years of each other and both before my 21st b-day, yeah, I totally thought God was fucking with me and I was pissed. Over time, I've learned to live with it and I no longer feel that God was punishing me nor torturing me.

    I see it differently. I now see it as my life journey. My journey is different than others....some are better some are worse but it's uniquely mine. That's something I think is good.

    Nope. I think God is indifferent to our pain and instead sees it as a learning experience. This is one reason I think everything can be used to good or evil.
    yeah that totally sux and I feel bad for you. It's too bad that others are so reckless where other people are concerned....some with tragic consequences.
    That's obviously your choice but as the survivor of a suicide, I can assure you that your passing will have unforseen impacts on others. You simply cannot fathom the depth of pain that suicide will cause on your loved ones. If you truly care about your family and friends, I encourage you to seek help, not only for your physical issues but also the mental.

    If everything you've tried has failed...perhaps it's time to try something different.
     
  3. scottymcc

    scottymcc New Member

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    I nearly have everything I need. Pheno should put me in a coma. I just need the opiates which won't be hard, even if they come with paracetemol I have the extraction method.

    I am dieing already, why bother stopping me?
     
  4. scottymcc

    scottymcc New Member

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    You seriously don't get it.

    You treat life as to you not to others. Try looking through other peoples eyes if it's possible.
     
  5. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Newsflash: We're all dying. Noone is going to make it out of this life alive.

    Why put off the inevitable? Well one reason is because we don't know what else is out there. What if this life is all we have? Most people assume there is a life after life....what if that's wrong and there's nothing after this?

    Have you ever done things that your intelligent mind didn't want or that didn't make sense when you look at it objectively? Perhaps that was a deeper part of ourselves doing something....like our soul. Perhaps our soul acts on our behalf to experience lessons that we wouldn't normally experience. Perhaps your soul has more learning to do in this life?

    Look a Magic Johnson. He was an NBA star that caught HIV. By all rights his life was over but instead of taking on the victim role he decided to not let it get him down and to try and turn it around.....make some changes in his life for the better.

    There are plenty of ppl with cancer or amputees or other physical or mental limitations that use their limitations as inspiration. Perhaps you could do the same?
     
  6. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Sorry, missed your replies before:
    Then perhaps it's time to seek a different doc? It sounds like you've traveled the world looking for relief so I may not know WTF I'm talking about. Just seems to me, when everything you've tried hasn't helped....try something else like new docs, natural healing, or some other assistance. I dunno....just throwing ideas around because I'm not in your pain so I can't know how it feels.
    Ok....I'm honestly conflicted here.

    I know how deep pain can make one rage against God and I've been at the point where I had to say FUCK YOU GOD....even if that meant eternal damnation, which I thought it would.

    I can only imagine how difficult it would be to live life with more significant issues than I have and if faced with a life of pain, perhaps death would be preferable. However, I also know how painful it can be to lose loved ones...including one to suicide. I've witnesses the fallout from a suicide and I can assure you, it has touched and continues to touch many, many lives and it's been 23 years since my bro killed himself.


    Perhaps, if we had consciousness before we became human, perhaps we chose the life challenges that we're currently experiencing. Perhaps it's not God inflicting these things on us.

    Why in the fuck would we wish to endure intense, long-term pain? For the experience of long-term pain. I know, it sounds ridiculous but I'm starting to wonder about these things because I seriously doubt there is some sadistic being that enjoys watching me suffer.

    Perhaps this life is like a dream and the experiences we have here were picked by us a long, long time ago.

    Here's another thing that's interesting about intense pain.....one can separate themselves from the pain. I was once in a car wreck with 3 broken ribs and numerous internal injuries....including bleeding in my lungs. Yes, i could feel the blood gurgling in my lungs like when you blow air down a straw into a glass of liquid.

    While I'm in the ER, my back muscles spasmed so hard that I could only breath in VERY short breaths. It was far and away the most pain I've ever experienced and all of a sudden, I separated from the pain. I was still fully conscious and had the though, "Wow, my body is really wracked with pain but I'm right here and I'm perfectly ok.....hmmm....this is strange." I was a peace and perfectly aware of everything that was happening around me but I couldn't talk and I couldn't move.

    THere are women that have given birth with no anesthetic and experienced no pain. Our minds are really powerful and through meditation and coaching, these people were able to endure despite seemingly horrific wounds.


    You're welcome....I only wish I could do something more.
     
  7. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    It seems to me you could jump off a bridge pretty easily if you really wanted to end it all.
     
  8. Crawling Dead

    Crawling Dead Gz-TeRRoR

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    If you were serious about doing it, you wouldnt talk to us about it.

    Truth is you blame yourself for your life. If your story is true you got HIV from your own fuck up and now that you realize this, you are tempted to punish yourself by ending your life, but because that would then leave all the blame on your shoulders (Your STD as well as your suicide) your mind needs something else to blame. So, much like everyone else in the world, you turn to god, though its for salvation, its of a different nature. You wish to blame him for your life to save you from your own regret. You feel as though you have no choice, that this is what this fictional entity wants from you. To deny that fact would bring you back to the reality of your own misdoings.

    Accept the mistakes you have made in life, forgive yourself and go on with the remaining moments you have in life. Try to find something in this life that you can still be happy with.
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2009
  9. scottymcc

    scottymcc New Member

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    As I am in a better mood right now I should set a few things straight, being ultraradian and mixed my symptoms vary several times per day with mania being more like rage, frustration and so on. I know I have offended people with my views on God which was not my attention otherwise I would have gone to the religious forum.

    I just can't believe this luck, it seems beyond unlucky and I naturally want someone to blame, I figure that if God created everything he created bipolar of my type and HIV.

    I hadn't been with anyone in 8-10 years so while in a club and dancing with the said hooker it felt too damn good. I at this point had no probs with wearing a condom but she pretty much insisted against it and I wanted one last time to be with someone intimately which really backfired.

    Yes, I got myself into the situation but it is rare to progress so rapidly to this point, it usually takes years to start to develop symptoms including worsening of mental illness, one thing they don't teach about in sex ed is AIDS Mania, or how bipolar gets worse with HIV. I have already upped my meds by about 1/4 and added another, in all I feel like a fast progressor and shortly I will be unable to keep up with any regime of drugs to keep me alive due to the bipolar.

    Why don't I jump off a bridge? Simple as it sounds the bridges here are not high enough plus barbiturates are far better and I am terrified of heights. Why don't I take them all right now? Well, like I said, I am ultraradian and mixed, possibly dysphoric manic and my mood switches several times a day. They are my back up and right now I am on a wait and see what happens, when it gets too bad I have my way out, for now I deal with it through talking to people on forums and phone back to help lines in the UK, India sucks ass for help and even if it didn't I would prefer to talk to someone from an all English speaking country....may even try the US next.

    In short I apologize for offending well meaning people by attacking God and will respond to all the posts when I am suitably drunk enough to overcome my embarrassment for posting in the first place.

    Funny really, I went out to die and in the end it killed me despite me being wrong about what I was out to die for.


    ..and what is up with my PC, I keep jumping back a page or two, worried I had lost this post!!:ugh2:
     
  10. scottymcc

    scottymcc New Member

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    Coottie -

    I can see what you mean, I feel that my own journey is one that will have no positive outcome and I am a burden to those around me, I feel for them and hate what I have brought to them. There is now no chance that I can get better and things will get worse.

    Although I don't want to get involved anymore in a conflict about God I wonder that with all his powers and perfection why would he create something he already knew the future too? I mean he knew the outcome yet created it anyway.

    I also wonder about the past, back when our views were different and burning people alive was a good thing, and regulated by men of God, are they in Hell now or does God change with the times? I'm Agnostic but border on belief and I'm really not sure of his motives and whether or not he changes with us.

    I'm also unsure that he is the right God, having lived in India for 4 years I see a lot of differences, multiple Gods, which one is the right one and wouldn't it suck ass if you die after a good life and serving God only to find that you are refused entry to Heaven because you were not a Mormon?:rolleyes:

    Yah, chances are pretty much useless and like I said, I went out on a self destructive and suicidal mission only to find it, only that it was going to be slower than planned.

    I have been to 9 Pdocs, researched as much as I can and found a doctor I am happy with, he litterally researches what he does not know and listens to my views on what drugs to take while giving insight as to why some may work for me (something to do with the calcium channels), I mention Verapamil which worked and he gave me them and commended me on the choice when it worked.

    He is a great guy and at a cost of about $10 for a visit is a God send. He has said however that the last two years have been experimental meaning that we are near out of options. He even suggested a drug used for cancer which seems to work on the TKD channels or whatever the same way that mood stabilisers work and is a possibility but it is only short term, chances are slim and it will only work for about 5 years. It also effects the drugs used for HIV.

    wolfskymoon -

    I'm unsure if you are the one whom posted later so sorry if you are but state of mind is waht it is all about, HIV is not the problem, it's one I can overcome and accept the possibility of death, I guess I am a fatalist at heart but mood is key! Being depressed is one of the single biggest killers in our world today. The old term Quality over quantity means everything, if you are sad as in clinically depressed or have servere bipolar everyday lasts for a week, there is no life, no chance at it.

    Drink and rugs are a major problem which make it all worse, I drink and was drunk when I made that first post, mildly happy now but I know it may change at any time. Anxiety, flashbackcks every two - three minutes, palpatations I can see and feel constantly, rigid muscles, the list goes on, what kind of life do I have?

    I live very close by third world poor people and I see them happy, I have been to Indian Govt controlled mental hospitals, UK mental hospitals and see no difference in the patient. The only difference I guess is prognosis, I have better access to drugs but when they all fail I am no different from them.

    Coottie

    It's not so much about the HIV as it is about the Bipolar, I have irregular sleep paterns making drug compliance near impossible which in turn creates drug resistance.

    We are all dieing but some of us get a chance to really live.

    If there is nothing afterwards then I will be far happier than the thought of continuing this life after death, it would be like sleep without dreams, no real loss.

    Objectively? At the time I was fully stable, I came out in a nasty rash and put it down to being a drug allergy, what I felt was the last chance of getting well, I thought about it objectively and figured I should kill myself as oposed to going back to hell. I went out and tried to kill myself, deciding first that I should drink first, then do the act. The more I drank the more tired I got, I figured a club would end that but nope and when in one I was approached by a beautifull looking girl, she had a proposition for sex, as I danced with her it felt more and more right (first time in more than 12 years I had danced with a girl 8 years since sleeping with one).

    I just wanted to be close to a girl for the last time even if it meant I had to pay. We went back had sex for a few minutes and I went 'floppy'. Couldn't keep it up.

    As I paid for the night I just staid but made no more attempts to have sex.

    In the morning I awoke and went home, I noticed a red mark which was not painful, no scab formed but I guess that doesn't matter.

    Anyway dude, I am 34 with a fair bit of life exp IMO. I have experienced pain that I could never have imagined but emotional pain is far worse.

    I can understand you brining up an allstar like Magic Johnson though I must admit I'm still not sure what he played, think it was BB but I'm British so forgive me as it's not that big out there. There are a lot of factors to consider with HIV including long term no progressors where a person doesn't need meds perhaps till they have had it for 20 years, some don't get mental illness, about 60% do though and most are treatable. Some like me have a body which refuses to work with the meds and their condition is made worse...I look forward to the day where I again hear and see things that are not there.

    Some and most are affected by the nasty side effects of the drugs. Look them up, SJS and TENS for example as HIV patients are 1000 times more likely to have an allergic reaction to the drug and this is the most common cause of discontinuation of the drug, possibly leading to an exemption of all drugs in that class.

    SJS is basically an allergic reaction where your body burns to first degree burns over months, you can go blind as it effects the mucuss membranes and I know of at least one case where this happened ina 6 year old girl overnight. I have had a mild case before and it is nasty, feels like you are spaced out, sick as hell.

    Some people are lucky when they get it, they don't progress for years, others can go from ARS (2nd stage) to full on AIDS in two weeks after 2nd stage. I seem to be exhibiting symptoms that are rare already so my hopes are limited at best.

    As for the last bit, there are varying degrees of mentall illness, some with Bipolar 2 can get about their business where as some with BP1 are locked up quick sharp. It's not about how we take the illness and more about how severe it is. Mine is the later. There are many symptoms and many classifications of BP, BP1 and 2 are according to my Pdoc in the minority. Mixed where you get symptoms from both sides at the same time, NOS, Ultraradian and so on are far more prevelant.

    I am in far too much pain and I am hoping in my final days I can get some comfort coming here to ease my burden, suicide will always be an option and possibly a probability but the posts in here help make my final days a little more bearable, acting as triggers to the good mania.

    GoodWitchBeth


    In part you are correct. I shouldn't blame anyone but in my condition the mania manifests itself as anger, irritability and so on. Not the media implied happiness. Mania is painful for me and having symptoms for both mania and depression at the same time is unbelievable. I can't stop the racing thoughts, the garbled messages and at least for now I can be a little more rational, no telling in an hour or two but for now I can be myself to a point.

    I had no intention of making you angry and for that I'm sorry, I just can't believe my luck and timing.

    Sadly part of the Bipolar has left me as house bound and unable to talk unless through the net. Pretty much sociophobic but I would have loved to have talked on drugs and sex ed out here to help, I had plans to help people and if I was well I would be good at it. Sadly though I won't be getting any chance to help anyone which is part of the reason I put the blame on God. Maybe displaced anger but it's what I have felt.

    Therapy does not work due to the racing thoughts, I can't even read a book due to this illness so it's a no go, try for example having someone talk fast to you while hitting you on the chest and read, it's not so easy right?

    I'm sad that you attemptede it but happy you seem to have no real ill effects afterwards, I'm glad as you are that your dad intervened, this is why I have had to research the drugs and methods needed to kill myself. Barbiturates are the best method although using a cocktail with other drugs will ensure a double or triple kill and including a plastic bag makes it virtually 100%. I am not here to seek any permission, just to vent and try to make my last few days/weeks or maybe longer more liveable.

    I have tried before and failed twice thoguh I never researched beforehand. Now I know doses etc and I need to make sure it counts as this country puts people in jail for attempted suicide, I plan to make a living will and have DNR written across my chest, the addition of HIV+ may well help too.

    I don't have the option of anti depressants or most other meds as they simply do not work and today it is seen as unwise to give a bipolar patient anti-D's as it may make mania worse even with neuroleptics or mood stabilisers.

    I appreciate the last paragraph but have you ever been in a thrid world mental hospital? One of my final options is of course ECT which may make me unable to remember whaqt to do to take my life succsefully.

    I may do something daft like grab a bottle of paracetemol which is a nasty way to go.

    I may also be not given the drugs I need as they may suspect I may try to overdose. I don't want that. I have in front of me a bunch of the new risperidone, palaperidone I think it's called but from the last exp the akathesia was unbareable. I am trying the oxcarbazapine which seems to have some success along with Valproate and Verapamil but when they fail I will have no other option and as I am uninsured my parents would have to pay which I am unwilling to allow.

    and thanks for your prayers, as agnostic I take that more as good thoughts for me which I apreciate no end. Thhank you Sir or Mam.:)

    Coottie

    Nah, like I said I tried 9 docs before and am comfortable with this one, he has worked at an expensive London hospital and has extensive experience, he was the first to recognise my condition as ultraradian in part. He also takes onboard all my thoughts and reasearch to the point where he even checks out the sites I do for info when I mention them, he will come up with a solution and then ask my opinion and if it differs he is happy to go along with me while telling me why or why not it may help me brining us to a possible conclussion.

    I went to a new shrink in the UK and got the worst exp of my life, went to a private guy in the UK and received crap, went to a consultant and after failing after just one drug he was hesitent about putting me on anything else, this guy I can phone at any time and see for a meagre $10 which often runs to 2 hours per appointment.

    I though \t I was out of drugs, he suggested a new kline of treatment with Gabapentin which worked for a while then CCBs and now even a anti breast cancer drug which seems to work on the TKD channels. If he doesn't know he admits it and researches it. He is more than just a doc to me. I have tried ALL mood stabilisers and nearly all neuroleptics, but he still has a thought that this drug which starts with a T may help, Google cancer and bipolar drugs and you should find it.

    I deal in my job with Ayurveda but even alt meds are useless against this as I can not concentrate enough to benefit.
    Sorry about that, I was enraged, looking for someone to blame and God was the target, I still believe it I guess but I really shouldn't put it out there to people trying to help me. Sorry.

    I am sorry for your loss of your brother and I have one myself whom cares deeply about me. For the most part I am concerned about how my bro and mum will take this, I know my mum faced her brothers suicide by rope years back but she is SO strong emotionally, I wanted to help her in her later years but it doesn't seem I will now. My bro will probably have a harder time dealing with it.

    I feel for them, I love them but I need to think about myself now. When things get far too painfull it's far from an easy way out. It is a release from agony. For an easier example to cite my Gran got sick, the docs had no clue, she was wasting away in a good home but none the less she was dieing, my mum sat with her for about a month, the last two weeks she was one machines to keep her alive and it took a lot of convincing to get her opiates to relieve her pain, we seem inclined to save people but at what cost? The person is starving to death and when my mum asked that the drip be removed (a form of assisted suicide allowed in the UK) she was in agony, starvation is painful, starvation without fluids is worse, the docs took a long time to admin morphine, even then it was intermitent, near the end it was continuous but a look at figures shows that this is common amongst all near dieing.

    The point is that palitive care can and usually is useless. Care with drugs in at least 10-20% of cases useless. Suicide is seen in the wrong light due to certain groups telling us that everything is under control, that we can make a patient feel good in their dieing days. THIS IS A LIE. Even mental patients may well not be able to be treated and HIV patients may not be able to either, mental illness like bipolar makes it harder to comply.




    Perhaps it is God that is? As many say he works in mysterious ways, he completly destroyed what two cities? Sodom and Gomorah? I may be wrong with the names, due to them not living the life he chose yet we get free will?

    He creates logic yet defies it. I do not get God at all and I tend to be a good judge of character. I have so many questions of what is in the bible and I miss disscussing them with my old rev from school, whom I met down the pub a few times. Dude was great, really miss that guy.

    For your injuries, nasty man! Was it perhaps shock? I fell last night after posting this due to drink and wet marble tilling. Gashed my hand and arm, applied iodine and felt nothing, usually I would, why on Earth would that not be the case in this instance. Also fell two stories twice, once by accident and went into shock and felt nothing but a screwed up head the second cause the rope snapped and it hurt like hell. Most recent was a drug induced seizure (not an OD but a 1 in 20 chance of it happening), I don't remember any of it, but to this day, 5 months later I can barely move, it's like an all over torso sprain...may be exagerating with the can not move part.

    Last part of your post seems to imply the placebo effect. Scientists are looking into it right now. Our brains can be amazing in that when testing in double blind syudies almost identical results can come up between the drug and sugar tab. Why the people on a placebo do so well is being studied but right now is beyond us.

    In future perhaps we wil be able to utilise this and give a tab that activates it so we get better without a need for meds.

    happy days!

    deusexaethera

    No bridge or building high enough mate though thanks for your concern.

    I can end it easy enough once my script is filled which i haven't mentioned till now.

    Little info for you 10 stories is the real height you want but as I am terrified of getting out of my depth due to near drowning at 4 in the Thames in London and my Bipolar making me scared of heights this is hardly an option unless you help me out and set a 10 story building on fire.

    Want to help a guy out?
     

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