SRS Ask a Broken Heart Anything vCrosspostedfromOTSection

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Dysfnctnl85, Aug 4, 2006.

  1. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    I was directed here from the OT section...

     
  2. Trigger Happy

    Trigger Happy OT Supporter

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    Hey :)

    Don't be a stranger and don't feel as if they Asylum is anything bad or whatever. Just take it is a place that well you can talk about whatever is on your mind and get other peoples opinions and what they think about what you are thinking. Whatever happens in this area stays in here and I am sure that you shouldn't have any problems with people bagging you out or anything like that because they aren't like this around here. And you are more likely to get sensible answers and conversations about topics like this when you come into this area rather than the general forum. Sure it might take a while to get a fair few replys but the answers that you will get will be worth it :)

    So is there anything that in particular is troubling you, or is it just because the fact that you have been with her for 10 months and she has decided that she needs to have some time to herself about what she did to her last boyfriend 10 months ago? I am sure that it is very hard for you to stay positive at this time, but you have to think about the last 10 months for all the good things that have happened and all the fun that you have had. Please don't dwell or just remember the fights and stuff that happened because that isn't any good. I hope you had seen the last 10 months as a time that you have had to grow and learn new things about yourself and to help you along your way of finding what exactly you are looking for in a partner.

    You have probally been told this like over a million times, but there are plenty of fish out in the sea and you sound like you are a really great guy, don't dwell on your relationship with her because she has decided that she needs time to whatever with him. I personally would start to move on from her and don't hang around for someone that is prepared to treat you like the way she is right now and take you for granted. Because if you just stay here waiting for like weeks and weeks and whatever and when she decides that she wants to or that she is ready to come back you are standing there with your arms wide open waiting for her to come back then I think you are crazy.

    I could understand if you left the door open, but in the meantime go out there and have some fun and well if you find someone that gets your attention or that you like go for it. You are never going to know if you could do better unless you go out there and try, and don't settle for second best if you know you could do alot better or think that you should deserve more then don't be afraid to get out there and find it.

    Don't be in such a hurry to find the right person, you will know when you have found the right person but don't say you have found them just off face value. It takes time to find someone and to find everything out about them, but even then you can't ever know everything about a person they are always going to have a bit about them that you won't know or that over time that you spend with someone that you will find out about them. But that is cool because it is interesting and good to always been finding out new (good) things about your SO. If you guys new everything about eachother then imagine how boring and predictable things would be.

    You sound like you are young go out there and play the field and get what you want. But you won't know what you want until you are treated like this and whatever. Just don't look back on the relationships that you have had as been bad, think about them for all of the right reasons. Like it was the right thing to do at the time, you might regret what you did later on in life but it was the right thing at the time for you then and just think about the fun and the happiness you had from it.

    And taking a break or breaking up with you because she is sorry for what she did to her last boyfriend 10 months ago isn't a good reason nor is it the right thing by you. Because you are her boyfriend and she shouldn't treat you like this.

    I am definately going to say that you should go out there and meet new people and find someone new that you like and will treat you right and do the right things by you. Sure it could be a few women away but you aren't going to know unless you try, just every time just as long as you learn something from whatever happens that is the best lesson in life that you can learn. And learn from it so it doesn't happen to you again.

    btw, I am not trying to be rude or anything but her excuse after 10 months is pretty shitty to me and I don't believe that you deserve that, you deserve way better than that. Either she is lying and using that as an excuse to have a break or something like that or she is not thinking about you and your feelings. She is looking out for numero uno and only thinking about what she wants.

    :hs: I hope this helps and just say what your thinking and whatever don't be scared. Oh and sorry for the novel and umm I am not trying to upset you or anything k man.
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2006
  3. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    She's had relapses during the course of our relationship. I really hate to mention this because my feeling is that this will make me look like a fool, but I can detail all I have been through.

    She was still with her boyfriend for 2 months while we were seeing each other. He is across the country. When we met it was seriously like a scene from a movie and all the pieces fell into place. This is not a case of misplaced emotions or jumping to conclusions to soon or looking for someone to fill a hole. Just throwing that out there!

    I took her to the airport to go see her boyfriend for a few days. I let her go out to dinner with him one time as they tried to establish a "friends" relationship. I expressed my loss of faith in this plan as I don't believe it's possible to go from boyfriend/girlfriend to friends in a matter of months. She once met up with him and she said they kissed. Now please remember it's not possible for me to convey everything that has gone on between us with respect to that particular incident, but believe me when I say that I trust her.

    She had a nervous breakdown, claiming that she still thinks about him even after all this time, and wants closure. She feels like she should give him a chance to correct his mistakes because she never gave him an opportunity...I mean she jumped ship and then was with me, you know?

    In my opinion, she feels that she ended their relationship in a harsh way and she feels responsible for his feelings even now, she feels like its her fault and that the only way she can forgive herself is to give him another chance. She still say she loves me, and I believe her.

    She said she needed some time to think about things and to really step back and look at the entire situation, to see what it's like not seeing me or talking to me for a few days. She said she would call me this weekend.

    At the beginning of our relationship I emphasized that there was no way I could not have all of her, it's just too painful to think about and I deserve more than that. I just can't imagine her going back to him, and then coming back to me. The idea that I'm some sort of fall-back or plan-b, I just think I deserve more than that.

    On the other side of the coin I feel like I want her to be 100% satisfied with her decision and I want her to devote herself whole-heartedly to something/someone. I want her to be happy with whatever her decision is. And the hardest part is that I thought this decision had been made, multiple times...and I still come back to the fact that she thinks she was wrong for ending her previous relationship without giving the guy a second chance...even though she says she is truly happy with me.

    The only thing I can be sure of is that every new relationship changes my definition for what a relationship should be...the measuring stick changes everytime. And you get stuck in this bubble of thinking that she is the only one and that there is no one else out there.

    I know of people who remember a particular love in their life that they had to say goodbye to, and regret it every single day of their life. I don't want to have a story like that...
     
  4. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Girls will ultimately go where they want to be, no matter what excuses they offer to let you down easier. If she says she feels guilty about how she ended it with her ex and so she must go back, then she's really going back because she prefers it. She just offers that excuse to let you down easily. Women do this ALL OF THE TIME. It's expected. She wouldn't be going back if she didn't want to be there. Bottom line.
     
  5. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    But why would she lie and say she loves me if she really doesn't, and even if she says that she knows I don't believe her when she says that?

    I'm very hesitant to accept that women just do this...that it's something in their DNA...
     
  6. big 1

    big 1 New Member

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    she lies to say that she loves you to make you feel better. She respects and appreciates what youve done for her, and she cares about you, but thats it.
    Shes trying to let you down easier, so you dont feel as much pain.
    I know it sucks man, but dont accept her excues, phone calls, or contacts. She wants her hex, hell, let her have him.
    that way when you get over her, youll find time to find someone who truly cares.
     
  7. Trigger Happy

    Trigger Happy OT Supporter

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    I hope that you don't think that it is normal for a girl to be thinking or worring about something they did in the past with their previous boyfriend. I know that this sounds rough but I don't think that she's been giving you the best of her :hs: . She might say that she loves you and so on but by what you are saying here she definately has some problems in her past and I don't think that it is right for you to stand by and give her time that she wants to sort things out or whatever, she might just be saying this for an excuse for some reason or something. I don't know but anything is possible. If you really like her and want to help her then maybe just give her the time away and no talk to her or whatever you may find out for yourself that she is not what you want or you might come to realise that you deserve better :hs:

    But just don't be sitting around moping and waiting for her to come back dude, because you never know she might not come back or she might, but not in the way that you want her too :hs: And remember you said at the start you either have to have all of her or none at all. Currently from what you have said about her thinking about him an so on, I dont really think that she has been giving you all of her or the best of her to you and you guys as a couple :hs: I took her to the airport to go see her boyfriend for a few days. I let her go out to dinner with him one time as they tried to establish a "friends" relationship. I expressed my loss of faith in this plan as I don't believe it's possible to go from boyfriend/girlfriend to friends in a matter of months. She once met up with him and she said they kissed. Now please remember it's not possible for me to convey everything that has gone on between us with respect to that particular incident, but believe me when I say that I trust her.

    And as the matter of going to friends and so on, I am currently at that stage at the moment with this girl that I was dating. I broke up with her because sure it was nice but I didn't see us having a super long term relationship together and I didn't beleive that she was best for me, so after 1yr 3 months which was my shortest relationship I broke things off. It's been a month and she was like at the start either I have you or I don't have you at all. She is the one that is trying to be friends and so on, But it is hard to make friends with someone that you have been going out with and try and make them believe that all you want is to be friends. Sure it might work but it takes time, and you need your space too.

    And by giving him a chance to correct his mistakes? what or how do you think she is going to let him do that?

    See she is going to be calling you this weekend so don't be too :hsd: bummed out or anything like that, just don't be expecting that she is going to give you the answer or words that you want to her. Just be happy for her and realise and keep it to yourself that you deserve better than that and you shouldn't have had to put up with it during your relationship :hs: Your a nice guy and you certainly deserve better than what you have been getting.

    If she does leave you by any chance I think you are crazy to let her walk all over you again. If she did it once then what is going to stop her from doing it again :hs:

    Don't feel bad for what happened, quite obviously it happened for a reason and well you can't control someones feelings. Feelings are feelings and they aren't something that you can just turn off or on when you feel like it. But if you don't hear what you want don't get angry or anything just i know it will hurt :hs: just say something like i am happy you are doing what you want to be doing and i am glad you made the decision for yourself or something like that. It takes nothing to be nice, and well if you don't hear what you want it will be hard for you and I would suggest some time before talking to her again or whatever.

    The only thing I can be sure of is that every new relationship changes my definition for what a relationship should be...the measuring stick changes everytime. And you get stuck in this bubble of thinking that she is the only one and that there is no one else out there.

    This is true, the more people you go out with and date and so on you will learn a little bit from everyone of them what you do like and what you don't like and you will find someone who has as many qualities as you do like in them, but it takes time and different people to find out what you do and don't like. And hopefully at the end of the day you will settle down with someone who is everything that you want and more. But dude your still young and you have alot still to live and do before you even start to think of settleing down. Have fun play the field and if you catch something that is bad or whatever remember that there are plenty more where they came from and you'll find the right one for you.

    I don't remember where I read it but I thought I saw somewhere, that it alwyas used to be that there was only 1 person for 1 guy out there. And I saw that it said that there are like 3 or 4 different woman out there for 1 guy :bowdown: So don't get bummed out on one or a couple, Learn from yhour relationships and use what you have learned in previous relationships in your new ones adn it will make them better and everything. But remember different people are different about what is good and bad in a relationship but you will find that out over time with whoever you go out will. Just remember that you don't deserve to put up with shit and you can do way better. Sure there are ups and downs in a relationship and you will be able to tell if you relationship is healthy or not :)

    It is said but my dad can tell you the first girl he kissed and did everything with and stuff about her, but any after that well :wiggle: it's a blur. Everyone has a story and that but you can't change the past but with knowing what you want in your relationship and your partner you can change your future. The bad or sad story is just to me a fact of life and you learn from it and it makes you a better person.

    Find someone who truely cares about you and doesn't treat you like shit, someone could say they love you but you don't know how they could love you. Love is a funny word which can be taken in alot of ways. Like I love my mum and dad, if i was a girl i would love my friends :dunno:
     
  8. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    The hardest part is remembering how we talked about marriage. Not like, "hey let's go to Vegas and get married," but the idea of building a house together, ourselves. We do not lead the normal, cliche young-adult lifestyle...that's not us. She became a part of my family. We both have the rare ability to find beauty in small things. We enjoyed, as lame as it may sounds, walking in the park, scouting for houses, walking around in historic downtown areas just discovering things...

    We have a strong association with music and we share so many memories because of this association. Example: Tuesday night, the last time I saw her, we walked around in a local historic part of town. We walked on top of the railroad tracks, hand in hand. My eyes told the story to her, and hers to mine. They said "I love you." I just prayed that time apart wouldn't make her forget.

    We walked by a coffeshop that happened to be playing music and we heard Coldplay. I took her to see them and it was the turning point in our relationship from "could be serious" to "serious." We stopped and danced...I mean this is the kind of relationship I couldn't have come up with on my own, and that is so hard to think about. It's the kind of relationship that people who haven't experienced probably think is totally hokey.

    If she decides she wants to go back with him...for a week, a month, a year...could I ever forgive her for making this decision? Could I ever live with knowing that at one point she felt she was making the wrong decision staying with me?

    I guess if things weren't complicated life would be far more boring...

    At any rate, I haven't heard from her yet and I don't expect to hear from her until tonight. We'll see what happens.

    I can't help but feel like she is putting herself first...something I never do because it's just not me...I'm from the old school style of relationships where I hold the door open for her, I pull her chair out for dinner, I put her before everything else. And who knows, maybe that is the wrong thing to do, but if I didn't act that way I wouldn't be being me, I would be someone else...

    I don't want to get angy, but if she asks me what I'm thinking, I'm going to tell her...I don't want her to let me down easily if that's what she's doing...I want her to be completely honest with me. If she doesn't see herself with me, then I don't believe we should pretend that things will change...I don't think we should plan for things changing...I didn't plan this relationship in the first place, it just happened. I don't want to be able to look back and regret not doing something...
     
  9. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    In for support cuz I know exactly what you're going through.
     
  10. Trigger Happy

    Trigger Happy OT Supporter

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    Hey sorry about making you wait a long time for a reply :hs: I remember when I was younger well like 2.5 years ago with my first girlfriend that I had at the time. We were going out and all of a sudden one day she started the conversation about what we would live in together when we were older and stuff like that. I didn't know what to think at first but over time I really liked talk about stuff like that :o It made me feel better about us and it also made be believe that we were going to be together for along time. I have found that girls that I have brought home (which is like the big test for them) generally if they are good and my parents like them they become a part of the family and they are free to do whatever they want around the house. Just as long as they don't act like a stranger and they are willing to help out around the place, but most importantly they are quite happy comming over and talking to my parents and not just running off with me and stuff. I love my parents for the fact that when I do bring someone home it is like the final test to whether I keep on going out with them or not. I know it is sad, But I like to have my parents meet them and get their approval :hs:

    In the end we listened to all the same music liked the same things and everything, it was like we never had to speak to eachother because we already knew what the other was thinking or going to say. We had matching clothes and everything :o I thought it was awesome at the time. But people grow up and change.

    As you could probally tell, I grew up and she wanted time to be her age (she was 1 week older). So I let her go and do whatever she wanted to and I was hurt but in the end I am happy for whatever she does because it was/is what she wanted. I still she her from time to time, But I say hello how are you and stuff like that to her mum, But for some reason she sees me and goes in the other direction like she is scared of me or to show me what she is like now. I have seen her with multipul boyfriends and when I do see her see quickly goes the other direction and I don't understand that :dunno:

    If she decides that she wants to go back with him for any time I think you need to I know it will hurt you, but you have learnt alot from this relationship so far, and think of all the good times you have had. Be happy and find someone who is what you want. If they do the same as this girl or something that you don't like you will slowly learn what you are looking in a girl/woman. Life is a matter about doors, If you choose one door it closes the options to other doors, but you make your own decisions, don't ever second guess just do whatever makes you happiest. It's hard to move on but I think it is something that you should do, there are plenty of girls out there just take your time and find what you want. And don't be shy to talk to them and whatever because you are who you are and if they don't like you well that's too bad for them because you are a great person and when you find that one, she will love you and cherish you for who you are. But your only young you need to get out there and be your age and ahve fun. Don't be in so much of a hurry to settle down. You have plenty of time to do that :)

    And if she makes the decisiion that she wants to spend time with him, then be happy for her because that is her decision, just let her know that if that's her choice your not going to be waiting for her when or if she decides she wants to come back :hs:

    :hug: i am sorry that i haven't replied sooner. and i hope that you are okay.

    You should never be afraid to put yourself first, it's life you are a nice guy and there are going to be plenty of people that are just going to use you and walk all over you. Think about yourself and choose wisely when to think about others first before yourself. You should be happy and that is what is important, if that means you do something that others don't want to do then that's fine, you need to be happy with what you do and your decisions.

    It is good to see that your from the old fashion of dating and that :)

    I still sometimes find myself going well what would have happened if I did this, but meh, It's been along time and well I am fuck loads away and better off then I was then. I used my first relationship and what I learnt for my second and I continued to learn each time. I have a reasonable picture of what I am looking for and what I want, but I haven't foudn that but when it happens it will happen :wiggle:

    I don't know if i am helping at all :hs:

    And you don't just plan for love to happen, shit it just happens and it is fucking awesome. I personally have found it better to never plan anything in the future because you never know what will happen nor do you know what you will be doing. Live your relationships for each day because you never know what is going to happen in the future.

    You must be happy with yourself and everything you do and decide to do.
     
  11. Trigger Happy

    Trigger Happy OT Supporter

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    :hug: it will be alright my little one, it's a fact of life. It doesn't matter what happened, all that people will notice is how you move on and grow and what you learn from it. Hopefully you will be smart and know what you want and be happy with everything that you do.
     
  12. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Here's the key question you should ask yourself, and its a tough one: How long are you going to grovel and be a sad shitbag, before you get on with your life?
     
  13. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    Hey thanks for the advice shithead. Do us all a favor and stay the fuck out of here.
     
  14. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    You think I'm talking shit, but I'm not. Wallow, get drunk, cry your heart out. Then wake up, and start getting over her. You don't have to spin a tragic story and then live in it, a broken man in a script you craft for yourself to make sense of it all. This is not a movie: its your life. Sooner or later you will accept things as they happened as best you can, and then work on moving on. Sooner is better than later. You've got to fill the void with new things, so that the vessels round your absent heart can thread their way through the lattice these new things form and grow a new one.

    So, like I said: How long are you going to grovel and be a sad shitbag, before you get on with your life?

    Other people will coddle you. I'm not good at that. But thats the hard truth. When you have those "Woe is me," thoughts... consider that they're not worthwhile, and focus on doing new things. Go for a walk in the park, draw a picture, write a poem, read a book, create something. Its the only way to really move on. She WAS NOT the one for you. You were projecting. Your whole reality was based on infatuation and projection. So your problem is about more than this girl. Your problem is about how you define yourself and your place in this world. And the sooner you work on making a new place for yourself to be, the better.
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2006
  15. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    You may not like what Peyomp said but he is speaking the truth. Sometimes it's hard to admit to yourself the things you don't want to believe.
     
  16. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    I need closure here.
     
  17. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    precisely so.
     
  18. I was in a situation where I was the guy who was dumped, by a girl I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. The closure thing never happened with me, and it had enormous repurcussions to my romantic life.

    She really might be more connected with the complex social dynamics with what she's done, and wants closure and only closure, which really is fantastically important, for you and her and her former S.O. The only thing to worry about is that this might bring her into an undecidable state of choice between- beteen you and him, but she made that choice, albeit recklessly, when she hooked up with you and left him.

    This recklessness in my own case reduced my power to re-engage and left me questioning my own value as a romantic partner with anyone else for years.

    If you make this too upsetting for her, by disbelieving her love for you now, she may choose to have closure with both you and him, which was the result in my situation. We both lost her.

    Stick with the "you're the only one for me line", especially now, but take it gently. All three of you can be reduced to basket cases if you mishandle this.

    It also might help your score as a gentleman in her eyes if you direct a little courtesy and attention to this other guy, since she's doing that anyway. {She is also, by bring closure, showing a lady-like consideration that implies an enormous (and very rare) social I.Q.)

    Given how you've responded to her, you should definitely understand what he might be feeling about having lost her to you, right (I sure as hell can- like my own heart had been ripped out and kicked across the floor; closure, even yrs later, was a remarkable healer for me)?

    Remember also that being regretful about what happened to him does not mean giving up your own position, the fore-hand advantage that I did not have: That of being her clear and present final choice.

    hope this helps,
     
  19. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    CLOSURE from the OP. I demand it. You have insulted my honor.
     
  20. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Ask a slighted Peyomp anything v.whereTheFuckisTheOP
     
  21. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    I need closure.
     
  22. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    cl ooooo sss uuure
     
  23. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    I demand closure or death.
     
  24. Trigger Happy

    Trigger Happy OT Supporter

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  25. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Closure...
     

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