This is my first and likely last thread in the asylum here's my story More than half of my life, I have known a particular girl, and we have both liked each other on a serious level on and off for years. Weirdly it seemed as though every time I was ready to actually get serious with her, she would be tied up with some other dude, and vice versa. I got as close as I ever did to making a serious move on her about 3 years ago, and before I actually did it I aborted the mission and got crazy depressed thinking that it wasn't going to happen. I made special efforts not to see her for years after this. At the time I thought it was best for me to avoid her because I thought it wouldn't happen unless it was meant to happen. We started talking a couple of times a month on msn about a year and a half ago. Most times we would talk, it would be after 2am, and either one of us or both would be drunk. Several times we have been drunk and have been on the verge of admitting our feelings for each other. About a year ago she had broken up with her current boyfriend, and I was also single. We talked about how good it would be to see each other but for some unbelievably fucked up reason I acted like I was currently taken, and never made a move on her. She is a very beautiful girl, and had a new boyfriend in a few weeks. Since then we have had a couple of these close encounters with admitting our feelings.... I don't know why I say it like that... she goes 60% of the way to telling me how she feels and I never respond... Her words could hardly be confused for anything but feelings of wanting me (despite the prescense of her boyfriend), yet for some reason I never made the move and had this crazy idea in my head that the right time would just come. I believe the root of this problem is that I have always considered myself not to be good enough for her. I finally saw her in person last week after she made a special effort to call me (after neither of us calling another for several years) on the phone and say she wanted to see me that night at a place she had known for weeks that I was going to. I saw her there, and nothing really came of it, she didn't seem particularily excited to see me or anything else. I couldn't understand how she would do all of this to see me and then act compleltely uninterested. She is going to be out of continent for a year or more starting now, and I believe that is why she pressed to see me then.... but why then would she not act like anything big had happened. After that encounter, I suggested that her and I go out for a drink before she left. Rather than accept, she invited me to her going away party, in yet another confusing move. Tonight I went to her party and saw her there, she seemed far more interested to see me. She acted more similarily to how I acted upon seeing her the previous time (which I thought I might have overdone due to her previous reaction). Truthfully seeing her again was not what has fucked me up..... I saw her there with her boyfriend... and it literally crushed me. I think somewhere deep down I thought I could never be half the man that this girl would want, and when I saw this guy, there was no doubt in my mind that he wasn't half the man I am. This revalation has crushed me, it seems that every major thing I have done to improve myself in the last 5 years has been related in some strange way to trying to make myself feel like I was adequate for this girl. Every other girl I have dated or that has ever expressed interest in my has in some sick way been benchmarked to this girl. As I sit here I realize how this girl who I have enshrined in my mind as my unreachable ideal has been reachable this entire time. I feel like I have wasted years and possibly the greatest opportunity I have ever had to find true love. I will not see her again for at minimum a year, and in that time major changes will be happening to both of us. If I fail to ever know what might have been with us, I do not know if I can live with the guilt. Not saying I am in any way remotely suicidal, but I worry that I may never be able to properly love another without knowing for sure. Bigger than this fear is as I stated before, realizing that the unreachable was reachable, but may now be lost. I just finished 26 ounces of gin, and opened a pack of cigars, I don't remember the last time I was able to drink with such purpose. I don't know if there is much that can be done to make me feel better, other than getting this off of my chest. I feel terrible.