SRS As bad as I have ever felt

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by LowkeyG, Jan 8, 2006.

  1. LowkeyG

    LowkeyG OT Supporter

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    This is my first and likely last thread in the asylum

    here's my story

    More than half of my life, I have known a particular girl, and we have both liked each other on a serious level on and off for years. Weirdly it seemed as though every time I was ready to actually get serious with her, she would be tied up with some other dude, and vice versa.

    I got as close as I ever did to making a serious move on her about 3 years ago, and before I actually did it I aborted the mission and got crazy depressed thinking that it wasn't going to happen. I made special efforts not to see her for years after this. At the time I thought it was best for me to avoid her because I thought it wouldn't happen unless it was meant to happen.

    We started talking a couple of times a month on msn about a year and a half ago. Most times we would talk, it would be after 2am, and either one of us or both would be drunk. Several times we have been drunk and have been on the verge of admitting our feelings for each other. About a year ago she had broken up with her current boyfriend, and I was also single. We talked about how good it would be to see each other but for some unbelievably fucked up reason I acted like I was currently taken, and never made a move on her. She is a very beautiful girl, and had a new boyfriend in a few weeks. Since then we have had a couple of these close encounters with admitting our feelings.... I don't know why I say it like that... she goes 60% of the way to telling me how she feels and I never respond... Her words could hardly be confused for anything but feelings of wanting me (despite the prescense of her boyfriend), yet for some reason I never made the move and had this crazy idea in my head that the right time would just come.

    I believe the root of this problem is that I have always considered myself not to be good enough for her.

    I finally saw her in person last week after she made a special effort to call me (after neither of us calling another for several years) on the phone and say she wanted to see me that night at a place she had known for weeks that I was going to. I saw her there, and nothing really came of it, she didn't seem particularily excited to see me or anything else. I couldn't understand how she would do all of this to see me and then act compleltely uninterested.

    She is going to be out of continent for a year or more starting now, and I believe that is why she pressed to see me then.... but why then would she not act like anything big had happened.

    After that encounter, I suggested that her and I go out for a drink before she left. Rather than accept, she invited me to her going away party, in yet another confusing move.

    Tonight I went to her party and saw her there, she seemed far more interested to see me. She acted more similarily to how I acted upon seeing her the previous time (which I thought I might have overdone due to her previous reaction). Truthfully seeing her again was not what has fucked me up.....

    I saw her there with her boyfriend... and it literally crushed me. I think somewhere deep down I thought I could never be half the man that this girl would want, and when I saw this guy, there was no doubt in my mind that he wasn't half the man I am. This revalation has crushed me, it seems that every major thing I have done to improve myself in the last 5 years has been related in some strange way to trying to make myself feel like I was adequate for this girl. Every other girl I have dated or that has ever expressed interest in my has in some sick way been benchmarked to this girl. As I sit here I realize how this girl who I have enshrined in my mind as my unreachable ideal has been reachable this entire time. I feel like I have wasted years and possibly the greatest opportunity I have ever had to find true love.

    I will not see her again for at minimum a year, and in that time major changes will be happening to both of us. If I fail to ever know what might have been with us, I do not know if I can live with the guilt. Not saying I am in any way remotely suicidal, but I worry that I may never be able to properly love another without knowing for sure.

    Bigger than this fear is as I stated before, realizing that the unreachable was reachable, but may now be lost.

    I just finished 26 ounces of gin, and opened a pack of cigars, I don't remember the last time I was able to drink with such purpose. I don't know if there is much that can be done to make me feel better, other than getting this off of my chest.

    I feel terrible.
     
  2. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

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    All I can really say is that I am sorry for your suffering.
    It fucking sucks to have that painful revelation that makes you aware of how you have built your life around someone else, only to be left feeling like a fucking lost and empty shell.
    I am really sorry.
     
  3. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Man up, and send her this post via email.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    You only have yourself to blame for all of this, this whole idea that you have of 'not being worth her time' wasn't your choice to begin with. SHE is the one who decides wether she wants to be with you or not. You have taken waaaaaay to much time to tell her that you loved her. I know i know looks can be intimidating, but this girl loves you for who you are (all this time). Have you ever thought that she might have been too shy to ask you out too? For all you know she might have been head over heels with you for the same period you have been. How can you know for certain, if you do not ask her? How can you know for certain, if you do not try to show her your affection? Meanwhile you have to stop wallowing in self pity, look its like this. If you ask her out, and you get rejected you could finally move on with your life, and if you get accepted you got yourself a date. In the end she is just a human being as you are, you might be the one she loves, you might be the one she wants with all her heart. These words apply to you, for you have NO, you might get YES. Try to understand that.
     
  5. LowkeyG

    LowkeyG OT Supporter

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    what a drunk I was...

    anyways, thanks for the replies but here's the reality

    It isn't that I don't have the balls to tell her how I feel, the truth of the matter is she must know at least 60% of the reality of that as it is. She is not the type that would ever make a move on me, although she would lay everything on the line and make it extremely simple for me to just say it, and she has done this, yet I haven't made my move.

    Again, I know full well that at least in the past (and extremely likely in the future) that she will want me very much. What I think the problem is here is that I see her as my golden opportunity, and I do not have confidence in myself not to fuck it up some how. I date other girls often enough, and never have this problem, but I never think of them as girls of this quality.

    My fear is not that of rejection, but more of not being able to convert a golden opportunity into a golden relationship. Seeing her with that chump last night made me realize I could do better than him.

    maybe that sheds a little more light
     
  6. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

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    Wow man, you should know you're not alone. I'm in a very similar situation and I know how tough it really is.

    it seems that every major thing I have done to improve myself in the last 5 years has been related in some strange way to trying to make myself feel like I was adequate for this girl. Every other girl I have dated or that has ever expressed interest in my has in some sick way been benchmarked to this girl.

    I relate to that completly. I am always looking for ways to better myself with that glimmer of hope maybe it'll be good enough for her one day. And every girl I've gotten involved with I always try to make them in to the one I can't get over. I always look at it like "i wish she was more like her in that aspect"


    As for your situation.. I took a different approach. One time on the phone with her I just spilled everything out completly and.. well.. didn't work...But that doesn't mean it wouldn't work for you. If you see that she's with a guy that's less than you, you DO have a chance. In my situation 95% of the time she's been with a guy who I thought is better than me... hence always trying to "fix" myself..

    Careful though I guess, because a lot of times in these situations admitting feelings to a friend might ruin the friendsship cocmpletly. If you're willing to risk that, which it sounds like you are, go ahead. It's bad that she's going away though now.You're going to have to figure out quick what you want to do. I'll tell you waht I would do personally..

    I'd sit down with ther before she left (not caring she's with someone right now) and let it all out and get her response. I would tell her everything you told us, about how she was the benchmark for other girls, etc.

    But, that's just me, and a lot of people would try something else. Act swiftly though, and weigh out the pros, cons, etc. before you do. I'm rooting for you because being in the same situation, I know how painful it is..
     
  7. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Since you don't actually persue her, one can only conclude that you don't really want HER. You want an idealized image of her. You want to WANT her. It gives you something to work for. If you get what you want, then you wouldn't have a reason to improve yourself. This thing you have in your head about her, its not real. She is an artifact, an externalization of part of your personality.

    If you wanted her, you would tell her. There are reasons why you don't, that you aren't in touch with, and so you won't. Thats fine. Only try to stop beating yourself up over it. The device is at the end of its usefullness. Invent another, or find another way to motivate yourself.

    Or send her that post in an email or a letter, if I am wrong. But... I'm not.
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I agree GO FOR THE KILL. Just tell tell her and be over with it. You'll be glad when that mental load is off your shoulders.
     
  9. LowkeyG

    LowkeyG OT Supporter

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    Thanks for the perspective

    She left this morning before I woke up :o

    In my situation, I am 95% sure the feelings are mutual. My fear is that once I did make the move, I would waste a perfect opportunity. I think telling her the full version of this would scare her off, but I will eventually tell her parts of it. Unfortunately that will be quite a few days from now
     
  10. LowkeyG

    LowkeyG OT Supporter

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    There is some definite truth in what you say. She can't possibly be as good as I see her. Thing is whenever I start to realize I am reaching the goal, I back off....

    I think this is a culmination of issues... being afraid of success, while also not having the confidence in myself to believe I can succeed. Figure that one out.

    The sad fact is that I don't want to simply pass up on her as I know that all enshrining aside, she is one of the best girls I have ever met.
     
  11. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

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    Even though she left.. You could still tell her over the phone or something. Stop holding off or some guy will come out of no where and take her away for ever.

    In reference to my earlier post.. ironically i just got off the phone with her and she's found someone bound to work out. sigh :wtc:
     
  12. LowkeyG

    LowkeyG OT Supporter

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    A girl like that will have guys everywhere she goes hounding her. I'll talk to her while she is gone, but certainly won't try to spill my guts until she gets back... I can't expect to break her up with her current boyfriend and fend off the wolves from a continent away for a whole year :o
     
  13. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

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    HOnestly I think you have a better chance of fending them off by telling her rather than not telling her. By telling her I mean spilling guts telling her. Your choice though but think hard.
     
  14. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Your fear of success is the only thing that keeps her your motivational goal in perpetuity. You want it that way. After all, you set this little system up yourself. There are unpleasant side effects to this projection, so you may want to try to give it up. But you probably won't, because it works (it does motivate you and gives you purpose) but also because systems such as these are very difficult to break once they're let loose, even if they no longer serve you. Enormous numbers of microscopic sacs of dopamine are waiting around to be dumped into clefts tween the neurons that collectively define you, each time you long for her. Pop-goes-your-mind. There is an image of her in some corner of you mind, and it is part parasite: self-serving and stubborn, and sometimes at odds with the rest.

    This has nothing to do with the girl and everything to do with your little world that you build anew each day. We all do this, in different ways.
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2006
  15. Riconosuave

    Riconosuave New Member

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    Your situation sounds all too familiar! I'm not going to go into details. Knew this girl since childhood. No doubt there were feelings between us, but I was always too scared to mess up a good thing and never made a move. She went to school out of State and abroad, but we always kept in touch and hung out during breaks. Fast forward 10 years. I decided it was just easier if I didn't continue this charade. We still trade a couple emails a year, but I haven't talked to her or seen her in a couple years. It's better off this way, and I'm happier now that I've left all that in the past. And like you, I compared every girl I dated to her. But you know what, you will find better women out there. Hang in there.
     
  16. SpectraRedZ

    SpectraRedZ New Member

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    Sometimes you have to take chances so you dont live with the wondering.
     

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