(This post isn't really going to have much structure or direction, I guess I'm mostly just venting, telling my story, and alot of alot of crap that happened in the past. I'll probably edit/add stuff to this post when it comes to mind) Me: I'm 18 and a freshman in college. I'm generally a popular, well-liked guy, I have lots of friends, both guys and girls. I'm a very sociable person, I can get along with just about anybody. People say I'm crazy, and I tend to agree, not in the "that guy's crazy, don't go near him," way but in the "you gotta meet my friend, he's crazy, you'll love him!" way. Not the typical "crazy guy" you can find in any group of friends. All of my friends tell me they've never met anybody else remotely like me. I'm generally a very nice person, nicer than most people. I never backstab anybody, I never say anything bad about anybody, any time anybody needs something I'm always the first person to help. I'm a very real person. I always say exactly what I think, I never pretend to be anything I'm not. As far as looks go, I'd say I have an alright looking face, I've got some fat on me, but I'm not what you'd consider to be a fat person. The only celebrity I can think of that has a similar build is Brad Garrett (Ray's brother in Everybody Loves Raymond). I'm no Johnny Depp or anything, but I certainly wouldn't consider myself to be ugly. I've never been with a girl. Never had sex, never made out with a girl, the most I've ever gotten was a "just friends" peck from my prom date junior year. I've never had a real girlfriend (I technically had a girlfriend when I was in 8th grade, but we only went out 4 or 5 times, most we every did was hold hands for maybe half a minute, she had no real interest in me, she just wanted to be able to say she had a boyfriend). Only 2 girls have ever expressed interest in me. One was totally crazy, and not the "fun crazy" or typical "crazy bitch," but "is this girl going to try to stab me because I turned her down?" kind of crazy. The other girl was pretty cool actually, we hung out a few times over a month or two, she said she "kind of" liked me but didn't want to get together since we lived 45 minutes apart (we were 14 at the time so neither of us could drive) and she couldn't handle having such a long distance relationship. We were still pretty close, but then one day she just stopped talking to me, any time I tried to talk to her on the phone/AIM she'd act uninterested, suddenly say she had to leave, stuff like that. We started talking again this year, but she clearly has no interest in me as anything more than a friend. Alot of the other girls I have gone after were friends, but I know now that usually never works out. I started trying to go after girls before "friendzoning" happens, but none of them ever had any interest in me either, but they still liked me as a friend, and I still hang out with alot of them, but only as friends. My brother and his girlfriend have tried hooking me up with some of their friends, but as usual, they think I'm a cool guy to hang out with, but they don't want to be any more than friends. I've always felt a sort of emptiness in my life since I started high school. I had thought that that emptiness would be filled if I had a girlfriend (that's what the media is always telling us). It wasn't until this year that I finally sat down and thought about it, and realized that whatever it is that's missing from my life, just having a girlfriend isn't really going to change much. I realized that for the most part, while alot of these girls I've tried to get together with are nice people and make decent friends, I didn't really have very strong feelings for them. So I then started thinking that it's not just a girl I needed, but the right girl. however, thinking about it more, picturing myself with "the right girl" (one in particular), that it would make my current situation better, but there's still something big missing from my life, and I don't know what. "The right girl" happens to be a very close friend of mine. Unlike most of the other girls I've been interested in in the past, she really does have everything I could want in a girl. There's no other girl I know who's like her, whereas most of the other girls I've liked, while they did have certain things about them that set them apart from others, for the most part they were just your average girl. This girl, when I really think about her, I know why I like her, she is the perfect girl to me. With all other girls I have liked, even at the time when I was interested in them, I really didn't/don't know why I had any affinity for them in particular. I've had strong feelings for this girl since this past summer, but she had a boyfriend at the time, and I just got the feeling from her that she only wanted to be friends, But during my first semester here at college, my feelings for her got stronger. When I was back for winter break, she had since broken up with her boyfriend, I still didn't get the feeling she wanted to be more than friends, but I felt that I had to say something to get it off my chest. As I was dropping her off at her house one day, I asked her what she'd say if I told her I liked her as more than a friend. She said sorry, but she doesn't feel that way about me. I told her that's what I thought, I just needed to get it off my chest, she seemed cool with that. After that we still hung out and got along just fine, no real awkwardness or anything. The only time we've talked about it since then was spring break, we smoked together with a couple friends, everyone else left to get snacks, so it was just us left in the room. We somehow got on the topic of awkward relationship kind of stuff, I told her that even though I still have feelings for her, I understand that she just wants to be friends, and that I want her to know that I'm not going to try to make her change her mind or win her over, and to please try not to mind it if it ever seems like I am (I sometimes try to hit on her or casually say something like "you're a great friend I love ya" when I'm drunk). She said it's ok, don't worry about it. The tough thing is that usually when I know a girl isn't interested in me, I get over her in a few weeks, but I've had feelings for this girl for almost a year now. I know I'll eventually get over her, but it's hurting in the meantime. Cliffs: I'm a not-bad-looking, generally popular guy. I've never gotten more than a "just friends" peck/kiss. I've never had any girl (who wasn't nuts) show any interest in me. I've never had a real girlfriend (only a bullshit 8th grade girlfriend who didn't have any real interest in me and who I only went out with 4 or 5 times) I feel a big emptiness in my life but I don't know whats supposed to fill it, and it doesn't seem like a girl fits the bill. I have strong feelings for one of my best friends, and I can't get her out of my head.