SRS Are these traits of an Alcoholic?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Ty Webb, Feb 23, 2010.

  1. Ty Webb

    Ty Webb You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia

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    One of my best friends since I've been a kid is... concerning me.

    I never see him anymore. We're both 27. Both college grads. Both in good jobs. Both small business owners.

    The difference. I don't drink alcohol anymore. I have a girlfriend of over 3 years (soon to be fiancee) He is single. He drinks like he is still a freshman in college. Comes into work hung over, if not still drunk some days. Goes to bar at lunch sometimes. Weekends its always a party.

    Will not hang out with me, for any occasion, unless it's a party, or if the people are going to a bar. So he can party his fucking ass off and get shitty fucking drunk. It's always an excuse.

    Can not hold a girlfriend. Not willing to settle or move beyond honeymoon stage when fucking happens 5 times a day. Wants to go out and party and fuck every girl out there once they are over. In my opinion it's a release from a depression of some kind.

    Ive expressed my concerns. I get laughed at by him. My best friend that lives 800 miles away has visited me more in two years than the friend in question who lives 50 miles away.

    I'm concerned. Don't know what to do. Losing a friend. I can only try so much.
     
  2. Normie

    Normie The TBW weight loss plan worked for me! OT Supporter

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    Everyone goes through a drinking cycle. Express your concerns, and the fact you feel your losing a friend. Then stop bringing it up, as you will most likely push him away for being judgemental/controlling and a general downer. if he ruins his life, it'll be all his fault.

    But always be a friend.. :dunno:
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I would just ask him, why aren't you settling down? Just tell him that you've been drunk too, but you don't think its such a big deal at all. That you think its stupid to get drunk everytime, and when is he going to get over his freshmen stage and become an adult? Its strange right?
     
  4. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    Some people don't grow out of that stage in their 20s :dunno: Is he in any money troubles? is his business doing well?
     
  5. GammaRadiation

    GammaRadiation Active Member

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    Or he could leave him alone and let the guy live his own life.

    -He's a relatively well off bachelor (best thing to be)
    -He's still got 10-15years of vitality easily.

    Going to the bar mid day and having anything but a beer with your meal is alcoholic-like though.

    Express your concerns for his health with the alcohol abuse. Dont try and convince him he should be doing the same stereotypical bullshit everyone thinks they should be doing in their late 20's.
     
  6. Rellik

    Rellik New Member

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    life is shitty and boring, alcohol makes it easier

    at least he is being social. i wouldn't call anyone an alcoholic unless they are sitting at home drinking hard liquor alone
     
  7. VA197

    VA197 New Member

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    Classic alcoholic. And I'm amazed how everyone is making these bullshit excuses for his behavior.

    Reach out to him, tell him he needs treatment, and tell him if he needs you that you are his friend and willing to help him through recovery. But he is very definitely an alcoholic from the behavior you described. You don't have to drink alone to be an alcoholic, nor do you you have to be broke, or any of the other bullshit excuses.

    He drinks to excess every day, hungover every day, drinks from lunchtime on, refuses to socialize unless alcohol is involved, can't keep a relationship....damn, does it take a brick to the head to see this man is a classic alcoholic?
     
  8. HatSee

    HatSee Active Member

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    I wouldn't call anyone an alcoholic till they hit rock bottom.
     
  9. johan

    johan Active Member

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    the definition of addiction is continuing to use, despite consequences.

    The fact that he lives life somewhat wacko, well, that's his life to live.
    If he's not seriously jeopardizing his job, then I'd leave it alone.

    The fact he won't settle down, and insists on party fucking every girl he sees...I wouldn't connect that to alcoholism, and it's certainly nothing pathological.

    So I hear two different things being expressed here.
    You're unhappy at losing a friend (understandable).
    You disapprove of how he lives.

    This is all very understandable and well intentioned on your part, but don't insist that its alcoholism.


    Mind you, I do agree he has a problem with alcohol, that much is clear...but beyond a little talk expressing your concern, I don't think you have an ability to bring any real change to how he lives.
     
  10. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    :ugh2: he never said he come in hungover every day and an alcoholic would be drinking AT work having a beer at lunch doesn't classify as an alcoholic IMO. Big deal he doesn't want a relationship I know this is hard for some of you women to understand but guys don't think the same way we don't need to get married and pop out babies before we turn 25 :rofl: nothing wrong with being single into your 30s or choosing to never get married.
     
  11. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    While I agree with this...

    I just want to warn you. He isn't going to listen to you. You bring this up and your friendship is over. Just saying.

    I had a friend that was an alcoholic. I brought it up. Her defense mechanism against this sort of thing was such that when this was brought up it was the end of our friendship.
     
  12. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    This pretty much sums it up. Sounds like he's not really interested in being your friend, and you're at different stages in life anyhow. If he won't take you seriously when you try to bring it up, you should consider how much value this guy brings to the table... not saying you should cut him out of your life, but don't expect him to be a friend, either. Put him on the backburner. Appreciate the fun he brings when you're out partying, and don't bother with him the rest of the time.
     
  13. Ty Webb

    Ty Webb You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia

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    Appreciate the comments. I'm all too familiar with alcohol and addiction, as my mom has been in AA and NA for many years now. That alone is an addiction in itself and has only replaced the alcohol and narcotics and really has not changed her inclusion in my life or my brothers. It's the same as it was, but she is clean now. That's an entirely different issue I have a problem with.

    In any case, I have said my peace to my friend, but it's up to him if he wants to come hang with me. I guess i've learned my lesson with my mom as to when to cut my losses.

    I just hope he can grow up at some point in the near future.
     
  14. reminisce

    reminisce OT Supporter

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    i have learned to accept the fact that "friends" come and go as stages in your life change. i put friends in quotation marks but the ones that you stick with turn out to be your true friends. i know it sounds cliche, but its true.

    while you have not implied that he has directly hurt you or done anything to screw you over, omission can sometimes be just as bad as commission. even if you guys have been friends since you were kids sometimes you have to chalk it up and let people live their lives.

    he doesn't seem too concerned about the friendship so you should try to not be either - especially since you have voiced your concerns and he laughed at them. maybe one day he will mature and you guys can pick up where you left off, but until then be thankful you have other real friends that travel 800 miles to say whats up. :wavey:
     
  15. Dnias

    Dnias New Member

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    It's plain and simple. He is an Abusive alcoholic and is in complete Denial. Say your piece to him, give him the option, then walk away. If he needs help then you help him...if he tends to rely on you for always helping him, then all you are doing is enabling him. It's hard to just walk away, i know this from experience, but why put your self through something that is not your fault. It's perfectly fine to be concerned but no matter how concerned you are he will just be the person he is over and over again. People need to change for them selves not others, so untill he realizes that, you or anyone else that his an issue with the way he lives his life will have no impact on him what so ever.
     
  16. GammaRadiation

    GammaRadiation Active Member

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    I tend to disgaree with this statement. I've moved on from friends and friends have moved on from me. However, those that I knew were my true friends I always know will be there for me if I need them. You know a true friend when you part and when you see each other again after a long period of time things never changed between the two of you. You cant say your only true friends are the ones that always want to hang out with you...that's dumb. Even your significant other can grow old at times.
     
  17. Dnias

    Dnias New Member

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    Agreed. I have 5 friends total...3 out of 5 live in different states..but when we see each other it's like we hung out the day before.
     
  18. reminisce

    reminisce OT Supporter

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    i recognize that as you grow older you don't "hang out" as much with friends. people get busy, you get jobs/wives/families etc. neither party makes an effort because there is just no time and you simply lose touch for a while. case in point: the situation you described above.

    however in this particular situation it seems that this friend has time for anything alcohol-related but if there is no alcohol involved then he always makes an excuse of why he do anything with the TS. i'm not saying they need to be butt buddies and hold hands everyday.

    if TS is continuously making an effort to hang out or do stuff and the friend constantly turns him down (not because he's too busy with important things but because he's too busy drinking), then is that still a real friend?
     
  19. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    seems to me like you are just mad he wont chill with you.

    he is still in a party stage. he is single and has not found a girl he likes past the honey moon stage.
    so he likes to go out and party and fuck.

    i see nothing wrong with this.
     
  20. Ty Webb

    Ty Webb You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia

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    I honestly am a bit upset that he won't make any effort to hang out with me, as I have made countless efforts to go to him and hang out and party.

    Relationships and friendships go both ways in my opinion.

    Update though: He isn't talking to me now because he thinks im mad at him for the way he is. Not concerned. I'm upset he makes no effort to be my friend. That's fine. I have other friends. His loss.
     
  21. Ty Webb

    Ty Webb You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia

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    My friend got a DUI last week. Blew a .2
    He was driving his other "friend" who was well below the legal limit. He was allowed to take the car and drive home.

    Went to jail for the night. His new IT management carreer where he is on-call may be in jeopardy if he loses his license and needs an occupational.

    Just another reason how alcohol abuse can fuck your life up.
     
  22. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    He is a heavy binge drinker, clearly. He's most certainly abusing it. However, there is a difference between that and an Alcoholic.

    Regardless, none of this matters because from your perspective you've already voiced your concern. What is going to happen is this: You're going to end up disowning him. He isn't on the same page as you are anymore. You've moved into a different phase in your life. He hasn't. If you can't tolerate someone's behavior and feel that the things they do are unacceptable to you, then you have no choice but to end the relationship and distance yourself.

    It's hard losing a friend, it's even harder to lose them and watch them hurt themselves.
     
  23. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    He's probably alcohol dependent (the physical dependence) but the alcohol abuse has to come with problems. He's on his way though!
     
  24. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    Well you'd be wrong.

    Threadstarter, your friend is an alcoholic. You don't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. Once you become one you're usually an alcoholic for life.
     
  25. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    In reading through your posts, a number of issues come to mind....YOUR issues, not your friends.

    These are all my opinion so I could be wrong.
    #1) you are not accepting your friend as he is....you're trying to change him.

    #2) you mask this desire to change his behavior under the veil of "I'm concerned" which IMO is not the truth. Oh don't get me wrong, I think you're concerned about your friend and what he might do to fuck up his life or someone else's but I think your real motivations lie elsewhere.

    #3)You have unresolved issues with your mom and her usage and these are clouding your judgment in relation to your friend.

    I believe that your real motivations for trying to help your friend are really a mixed up attempt to fix your mom and become a much larger part of her life and vice versa.

    Your capacity to try is only limited if you are actually trying to make someone change. When you accept someone for who they are.....warts and all, there is no end to trying to be helpful because regardless of whether or not they accept your help, you can still offer it.

    The fact that you see your ability to help as limited means that you are offering help but your help comes with strings.....your strings are, "You better fucking change because I'm nobody's fool and I refuse to be a fool and keep trying to help you unless you change."

    Where as a person who accepts the other without expectations would think, "I'll offer my advice if asked but if not, ok....no biggie." If the other asks but doesn't accept the advice or change, a person coming from a place of acceptance will think, "Hmm...interesting, ok...no biggie" and move on.....not carry around a grudge to be used the next time the person comes crawling back looking for help.

    Here's the root of your lack of acceptance IMO. You're still hurting from your mom not seeming to care more about you and your brother. It hurts....we know it hurts....hell noone wants to feel rejected by their parents.

    IMO the limits you're placing on helping your friend is because you don't want to be that vulnerable again and experience the depth of hurt you've felt with your mom.

    I think you might want to find a professional to help you work through these issues with your mom. There really is help out there.

    Cut you losses? So your friend is a loss because he won't do what you suggest? Wow...some friend you are.

    Why does he need to grow up? You know there's an old saying that goes, "You don't stop laughing as you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing."

    He's acting in a way that you find immature but IMO your lack of acceptance here is also tied to the other stuff I've mentioned.

    Oh ok....so previously in the thread you've been very vocal about your hurt but now you're feigning dis-interest. Noone is buying that shit. Just admit it....it hurts when we don't get what we want. We may want a close connection with another person but don't get it and we feel rejected. In your case, this rejection stings more because of your issues with your mom.

    This is a perfect time to express your concern over his drinking. He may be sufficiently ready for some help but just doesn't know how to get it......suggest AA or have your mom call him and talk to him.

    So I could be wrong about what I've said above....if so, I apologize. However, I would hope that you address some of these issues on your own and I think you would be greatly helped by going to Al-Anon. I know, I know....you're not the one with the drinking problem. however you have 2 people in your life that do have problems with alcohol and that's who Al-Anon tries to help....the loved ones.

    Anyways....good luck.
     

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