SRS Are being in love and marriage related?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by kilmanjaro, Dec 11, 2006.

  1. kilmanjaro

    kilmanjaro 6MT

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    I have a question for you guys. Do you think being in 'love' is a requirement to getting married? What I mean is that you still love each other but not with the intense feeling of being 'in love' as you once did. Do you think that it's something that is bound to wear off, or if she's the 'one' will you always be in love with them? Opinions?
     
  2. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    "Love" changes.

    I don't love my wife like I did the day we got married. I love her more and in different ways. I am still in love with her. But the giddy "OMG we're in love" kind of love wore off (for lack of a better term).

    IMO that's why so many marriages fail. People don't realize that 'first year' love isn't how you're going to feel every day for the rest of your lives and when it doesn't feel that way they have nothing to fall back on. My wife and I were true friends before we got married. We're still best of friends today. Of course we love each other but it's that friendship that's helped us make it through the tough times (and there will be tough times!!).
     
  3. Corky

    Corky I lent Jesus $20

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    I don't think that it has anything at all to do with love, I bet it has a lot more to do with a commitment to impressing others like parents, family, and friends.
     
  4. Corky

    Corky I lent Jesus $20

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    As I've tried to imagine marriage and the concepts we put on it, regarding the entire ceremony and ritual, I've also realized that I have rarely see a truly love based marriage.

    As I've thought through the marriages of my extended family, my own parents, and the parents of my friends, I've noticed that not many of them look each other in the eyes so to speak. There are constant disagreements and arguements, but it is usually a commitment to the lifestyle that they have chosen.

    However - I have seen the rare, oh so pure true love marriage, and it is a thing of wonder. When two people can be on opposite sides of a room, look each other in the eye at the exact same moment and smile, it gives me hope. I gives me hope that I don't have to settle for a "friend for life", it gives me hope that I can find a partner based purely for love. Then, what you say doesn't matter.

    I've actually found one of these relationships in my own life. I met a girl much older than myself that was....simply right. We always just knew, we never had to touch it. But I had so many unresolved issues with myself that I bailed out of the commitment in a very very bad way. I just pray that theres another one of her out there somewhere.
     
  5. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You can certainly get married without being truly in love. And it might be a great marriage too.
    But the love part? That's great too.

    And as for the statistic regarding the survivability of arranged marriages, yes that is a true statistic.

    However, you need to consider the sample set.

    Who gets involved in an arranged marriage? The people who follow custom and agree to an arranged marriage would also likely be come from a tradition where divorce is really not an option.

    Remember that length of marriage tells you just one thing: length of marriage.
    Don't make the mistake of assuming it provides an index of marital satisfaction.

    Now, I am aware that arranged marrieds often report a high degree of satisfaction.

    Look closer, and you see that this often results from a high degree of similarity in their cultural backgrounds, financial circumstances, social class, support from parents/community, these are all much better predictors of marital success than the degree of 'love'.

    In fact marriage as social contract was traditionally entered into for social or economic reasons.
    Romantic love as the primary factor in choosing a life mate..well that's a relatively recent development.

    But it's really great when you have that too.
     
  6. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    Define "successful."

    Since arranged marriages occur in cultures that essentially disallow divorce, if you're using divorce as a measuring stick for "success" then your argument is worthless.
     
  7. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Very very well said. Listen to this.
     
  8. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    "Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage."

    So, yes, they are related.

    :bigthumb:
     
  9. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    That's what I was gonna say.
     
  10. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    Again, in their culture divorce isn't really an option so what's left? I'd probably be happy, content, and not fight if I answered a "roommate wanted" ad in the newspaper. What you're calling a "successful marriage" I'm calling "domestic partner." They may grow to love each other, but may not. Either way, IMO, all they're doing is sharing duties. Again, they may grow to love each other but they never felt that "first love" like my wife and I did.
     
  11. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    No. Are you saying an arrannged married is inherently better because it wasn't originally based in romance?

    Links?

    Which is exactly what I said...my wife and I have a deep friendship to fall back on if (when) things get tough. It allows us to not quit (or kill each other) while we're figuring out how to get past a problem. Like I said earlier, people who don't have that have a MUCH harder time making it through tough times.

    I'm not saying anyone is wrong. I'm not saying my marriage is "better" than anyone else's. I do know my culture didn't prepare me for an arranged marriage so there is no way it would work for me. I also know cultures that have arranged marriages *expect* that they'll succeed becuase they don't allow for failure. So if Shefali is told from the day she's 3 that she's marrying Shawmut, and their culture is such that it's expected that they're going to marry and remain married and make a family together, you can pretty much bet Shefali is going to marry Shawmut and they're going to make a family. If you want to quantify "happy" in there, go ahead and try but I don't see how you can compare the two.
     
  12. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    Because culturally they're not allowed to "fail."
    Ahh, so you get to say that "historically this is how marriages worked" but you dont' have to back it up.

    Sweet.

    Historically marriages that were arranged like you're talking about all failed. The husbands had affairs and only stayed with the women long enough to change the paperwork on their family's property and make it their own. Then they usually killed the woman and went onto the next. Depending on your definition of "successful marriage" that could easily fit the bill...new wife every few years, new property, getting to kill a person...this could be good!! And since I can use "everyone knows" as my justification, well, everyone knows that's how marriage always worked in the past.

    Friendship is more present? You know this how??

    They're skewed.
     

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