SRS Apologies for the length. Heroine.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by demosnat, Jun 9, 2007.

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  1. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    For the past year and a half, I have been in love. I have had a few long term boyfriends, and he was my second live-in. It was the greatest relationship I have ever been in, we were perfect for each other.
    Neither of us smoked pot or drank. We dropped acid together a time or three. Did coke together once or twice. Did x twice. I had a thing for adderol. After becoming bored with all of these we settled on perc/vics and OCs for awhile. I was able to control myself, and remain recreational. He was not.
    He called me sobbing one day, saying he didn't know how to stop. I talked him down, and we agreed to quit completely.
    Forward about 8 months. He has been strange, he won't have sex with me, he lays in bed all day, can't hold a job, is never where he says he is, gets strange phone calls late at night, hides his history on our computer, and despite selling about $2000 worth of music equipment, never has enough for the bills. I assume he is cheating on me, and since we live together, and I need to know, I log his IM chats.
    It takes me about three hours to figure out what the problem was.
    He had started taking H about four months ago. He has terrible depression/anxiety, and instead of oh say, going to therapy or some such reasonable thing, he had started on OC again, then started shooting it up, and moved on to Heroine.
    He hid this from me for four months. He did not hide this from our roommate, or our best friend, neither of whom felt compelled to tell me what was going on.
    Before I found out about it, he had gone to his mum for help, (telling her he had a slight problem with vics left over from a recent medical problem where they were prescribed.) And had gotten meds and gotten clean. This was about a month ago, (his mother didn't tell me either.)
    Upon finding all of this out, (and getting through him trying to lie his way out of it) I kicked him out (to his mums) and called her to let her know what was actually going on.
    I am bloody fucking devastated. Not just the use, but the fact that he knew H was an end all drug for me, totally unacceptable. And primarily, that he lied, to my face, daily for four months. He would tell me he was going to take a shit, and go to the bathroom to shoot up, come upstairs and hug me like nothing had happened,
    What I suppose I want to know, is if anyone has ever been close with someone like this. And if once they were clean for a bit, they were 'themselves' again. I feel like I don't know this person he has become. I want to know if this is worth saving. I want it to be, I really, really do, but I have never known a junky, and I don't know if he will remain the lying, thieving (ATM withdraws from his mums credit card she gave him for food/gas/school stuff), lowlife he has become, or if there is hope for him.
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2007
  2. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    :hug:

    Damn...that just sux. I don't have any xp with heroine but I've seen miracles happen in AA. I've watched people come in shaking, stinking and looking like death warmed over and within a few months they look very different. After a year or two the transformation can be quite dramatic.

    Just so you know, when I was in the midst of my addiction, I lied to loved ones and would have stolen from them if I needed money. I HATED doing this and felt awful afterwards but I simply had to do these things cuz I was so fucked up. I don't want to blame the alcohol for making me do these things but I have not problem blaming the disease of alcoholism or if you prefer....the disease of chemical addiction. Part of the reason it's so horribly destructive is because we do things we wouldn't normally do while in the grips of this disease.

    The Big Book of AA says that an alcoholic in his cups (meaning: in the midst of his drinking) is an unlovely creature. That pretty much describes me when I got to AA.

    Unfortunately for you, you are as powerless over his addiction as he is...if in fact he's a junkie and not simply experimenting. Can he change?? Sure but it's up to him to seek help. You can encourage him to find help and even do some research on your own in case he becomes willing to seek help.

    You might think about attending Alanon meetings. These are meeting for the Non-addict. They help loved ones deal with all the confusing shit that comes up when a loved one is and alcoholic/junkie. They know what it's like to live day to day with a tornado in their lives. They can help.

    I fucking hate the disease of addiction because it took soo much of my life. Please feel free to PM me anytime if ya need to talk.
     
  3. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    save yourself
     
  4. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    There is hope for him, he can get better and he can turn his life around if he gets the required help and has enough will power to stay away.

    However I think i killed tupac is right, you have to look out for yourself first and continue what you are doing by kicking him out. Live your own life and move on.

    I think it's very risky (obviously...) that you 'experimented' lightly with all kinds of different drugs, you're lucky that you didn't get addicted to one of them. Good job being able to control yourself.

    I've known people who turned into junkies and there wasn't anything I could do for them, it was all up to them. I couldn't keep them in my life as I don't need those kinds of issues screwing up my life. So in the same situation for me there would be no hope, in the forseeable future, of getting back with an addict. Maybe in 3 years... but then people change dramatically in that amount of time.
     
  5. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Thank you everyone who offered advice and conciliation :hs:
     
  6. FiKtIOn

    FiKtIOn A bottle of Jack, a case of Pearl, and a pack of c

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    I'm not sure why heroin was the end-all of a relationship, when you were both doing oxy together?
     
  7. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    You deserve better.

    I understand how you feel, as far as saving him.

    I also know that you know enough about psychology and addiction and what not to understand that he has to go to treatment.

    He has underlying issues that are causing him to abuse drugs. He's not going to be able to kick the physical addiction until he address the emotional issues he is hiding from.

    I know from experience that some people are able to use addictive drugs recreationally with getting addicted. Sounds like you are one of those people.

    However, you have to be aware that in the future, the likelihood is if you do addictive drugs with the men you date, chances are that person will not be able to do drugs recreation ally and may very well become addicted.

    The only thing you can do for him is get him into treatment. Anything else you do for him will only enable him further.

    He's either going to get his life back, or he is going to succumb to this drug and he is going to die.

    If you want to play nursemaid to someone who doesn't care about themself and is killing themself, that's your business. But don't lie to yourself about what is going on.

    I know how intelligent you are, and I'm shocked that you would take OxyContin. Obviously, intelligent people can make dumb decisions.
     
  8. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    I have, over the last few years, learned that I can not partake of my habits with my friends, most of them simply can't handle it. Luckily, in his case, he had been doing it before he met me, so I don't have to feel like I ruined him.

    He is self medicating depression and anxiety, its not an excuse, but I believe the underlying issues are self medication, and ethical laziness.

    He is clean, he got himself into treatment a few weeks before I found out he had been using.

    I have largely decided to stay away from him. I have come to realize how childish he is, and taking him back would be allowing him to rely on me and never actually take responsibility for himself.

    Thanks yail. And yeah, we make dumb decisions like anyone, maybe more. I've known some really great, intelligent people who are dead or may as well be because of this shit, and I really wish I knew why. I have been thinking a lot lately about why I have used drugs over the years, and i'm honestly at a bit of a loss.
     
  9. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    Sometimes there is just addiction. Not treating a weakness, self medicating, or anything of the source. It just becomes a physical obsessive condition we call addiction. Genetics plays a roll, yes, but even animals get addicted to things. The squirrels in my front tree are addicted to nicotine...they eat and hoard my neighbor's cigarette butts, i find them all over the place.

    The concern is not "why". It doesnt matter, and there is no right answer. It just is.

    My road started, largely, with curiosity. I heard about drugs in a drug class when i was 12. I started taking LSD as soon as i could get it (7th grade) just to see what it was like. As soon as i didnt try to fly or stop a train, i thought it was all lies they taught me in school.

    I progressed from drug to drug, and ended up a homeless junkie with no money and a pocket full of dirty syringes when i was 17 years old. How? You'd be amazed at the poor decisions an intoxicated mind will make.

    I was never abused, i have no mental illness, no issues from my childhood. I come from a kind, middle class background. I have a genius level IQ, play 3 musical instruments and have traveled the world. However, if i were to get back in drugs again, i would find myself on that bus bench again with nothing to show for my now 27 years on this Earth.

    Why? Not family, not mental illness, not anything but addictive chemicals. Why do you think we have so many federal laws to protect our children from the most notorious drug, alcohol? It is lethally addictive, yet widely available. Same with nicotine. We even have a law enforcement branch just to deal with those specific substances. At what age are we supposed to "forget" that these things are bad for us? 18? 21? Massive alcohol and tobacco profits indicate that after that age, it is still highly addictive.

    Why? Because it just is.


    [/diatribe]
     
  10. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    When I asked him why he started up again, he said "because i was just so desperate to stop feeling this way"
    Thats where the self medicating thing came from. He dropped out of therapy because he was to anxious to call and make an appointment. He was sucidally depressed for quite a while.
    I think with me it was just curiosity as well. I don't even have a desire to do drugs at this point. I'm sitting here with terrible cramps, thinking I have some vics downstairs, but the nausea isnt worth being out of pain/getting a little high.
     
  11. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    when i hit the 7 year mark i was suicidal and depressed. I couldnt even make it to the appointment i had scheduled.

    I called my sponsor and he took me. Thats why we have each other.
     
  12. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    7 year mark? Of being sober? Of using?
     
  13. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    sober
     
  14. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Wow...that's a good read man. Thanks for posting it. I'm glad you got away from all that shit!
     
  15. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    For me...drinking and drugging was sort of like tickling the neck of a tiger. I may get away with it for awhile and actually be able to walk away many times. But there usually comes a time when the tiger turns and I'm in serious trouble.

    I'm not saying it's a forgone conclusion that you will be also....god I hope not. Just sharing my own experience with you.
    He may just like the effects produced by the drug and want to escape life for awhile. Good to hear that he's in treatment and hopefully he'll find the help he needs to retake control of his life. If he's anything like me....it's going to be a long road.
    Sounds like a good plan....maybe one day, down the road you're paths will cross again. You might not even recognize him! lol
    I remember crossing lines in my drinking career. I had always been against using drugs in any form. When started smoking pot because my friends were doing it....and really, that's why I tried smoking, dipping, chewing tobacco and even computers. Thankfully I could never hang with dip or chew as I hear those are brutal addictions to break.

    For some reason I can remember always wanting to escape from reality. When I started using more drugs, it was because the effect was still an escape but I liked the effect more than alcohol....a lot of times, anyways.

    I also found that no matter how much I wanted to, I simply couldn't stay away. I got really into racing bicycles and would train for 2-3 hours every single day. However, I was a huge partier and many nights, I was drunk thinking, this isn't helping my racing career. I even got blasted the night before a big race but thanks to my partner, we ended up in second place....we could have won the whole thing if I hadn't been hung over.

    I honestly didn't know why I drank so much...but I do now. I was in the midst of my disease but it hadn't yet progressed to the point where I was unable to function.

    Again I don't know if this applies to you....I'm adding a perspective.
     
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