SRS Any way to tell your friend she is over weight?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Tannaholic, Jul 10, 2007.

  1. Tannaholic

    Tannaholic New Member

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    I've had a friend I grew up with. She is over weight now. I'm in pretty good shape myself. I ask her to go to the gym or go running but she always makes excuses that she will be working or does not have time.

    She works a desk job now so she really is going to just keep getting fatter. I've thought a lot lately about confronting her and saying "look, I worry about you and I really like you to go to the gym with me because you are going to have some serious health issues if you don't start getting back into shape" But saying this would be really hard. I mean, i'm sure some of you all can understand where I'm coming from. You don't want to come out and say it but the truth is the truth.

    Pretty soon it will be too late to turn around. She's about 24 now and before you know it she will be 30. Sure she could start losing weight at 30 but the years of high blood pressure and other weight problems could carry with her. Diabetes etc.

    So anybody had an experience with this?
     
  2. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    How overweight is she?
     
  3. tidalxwave

    tidalxwave WWKD? OT Supporter

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    take a picture with her, and show it to her, one look at it and that will forever change her mind, put it on facebook / myspace too then she will take action
     
  4. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Yes, my sister was in great shape all her life. Then got married, had kids and started putting on the pounds. At 40 she divorced her husband and began working out/running. She lost all kinds of weight and got in really good shape.

    She's put back on a few pounds but generally looks really good. It's never too late to start losing weight.

    All you 20 somethings will be pleased to learn that 40 really isn't that old anymore.....it's the new 30!

    Oh and how do you help her?? You accept her for who she is....pounds and all. If she expresses a desire to lose weight at some point, then great, you can help her. However, if she doesn't want to change, any help you try to provide will be seen as criticism. It will likely hurt her feelings and make the situation worse.

    If you really care about your friend, don't be too quick to help her when she hasn't yet expressed her desire to get help.
     
  5. kEVOgt350

    kEVOgt350 Like a flashlight on but lost, my energy's there b

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    I agree, but don't accept it until she is willing to accept it. Nobody wants to be overweight, but if she's content with it (I doubt it) then let her be. If she's having trouble getting motivated now then it could be harder in the future. Recently I've been trying to get back into exercise and healthier eating; not because I need to, but because it's easier to stay in good shape and good health now than it would be in the future.

    It depends on the person though, I guess. Maybe what she needs is a good wake up call and perhaps gaining a lot of weight will wake her up. My advice is don't pressure her, but try to motivate her to do active things and jump at any sign of her wanting to change.
     
  6. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I've been told and I believe that unsolicited advice is the same thing as criticism. So I try to avoid it but I agree...perhaps if it comes up in conversation, she'll express a desire to lose weight and want help.

    But you know...a lot of people claim to hate being overweight but love to eat all those fattening foods so what they say and what they do aren't compatible. When this happens, I look to their actions as their true desires.
     
  7. kEVOgt350

    kEVOgt350 Like a flashlight on but lost, my energy's there b

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    I disagree. In most cases I don't think it's their true desire. They're a given a difficult choice: Go through a lot of work, give up fattening foods and lose the weight or accept that you're overweight, eat the food and put in zero work. It's a lot easier to be lazy and make the latter choice. It's why some refer to it as a disease because the more "infected" you become the harder it is to recover. That's why I recommend trying to help her at the first sign of desire.

    edit: btw, when i say motivate her i mean make it look fun and try to get her enthusiasm up. don't force her.
     
  8. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    It sounds bad, but just come out and tell her "you're getting fat, and it's starting to bother me." She'll either get really pissed, and end the friendship, or realize what it must have taken for you to get to that point and want to change.
     
  9. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    I think saying what you posted would be sufficient enough. It's in a nice manner and it seems like it shouldn't hurt her feelings. But that depends on how she takes it i guess :dunno:
     
  10. Liddy

    Liddy Not enough cowbell.

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    Ever consider that she might have some emotional/psychological problems which cause her to overeat/be lazy?

    Maybe approach her in a different way, eg: "I've noticed that you seem really unmotivated recently, you know we're good friends and I am here if you need to talk/be motivated". :dunno: That might work.

    Personally, I don't think I'd take it well if someone said, I noticed you were putting on weight, why don't you do something about it etc... My reaction would be more along the lines of: well no shit, don't know I look in a mirror and squeeze my ass into clothes that don't fit?! Stating the obvious doesn't usually do much for people.

    Usually we already know that we're getting/already are fat and lazy, but sometimes that's the external solution to the internal issue, if you know what I'm saying.
     
  11. Emfuser

    Emfuser Nuclear Moderator Super Moderator

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    I do not envy your task of trying to tell a woman that she is overweight. I would rather traverse a minefield by means of a pogo stick than have to do that with any sort of regularity. For as image-conscious as western women are, you are in some very tough territory.
     
  12. Silmatharien

    Silmatharien OT Supporter

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    Well she'd probably rather hear it from a friend than, say, get shot down at a bar because she's overweight. It's going to be a lot easier for her to start losing weight now than later down the road. If she gets into the habit of exercising regularly, she won't keep on gaining ... I'm sure she'll thank you for it later if you can just convince her to start doing something.
     
  13. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    With guys, it's quite easy, they just tell each other straight. As for girls? I dunno. You did pretty much all you could by inviting her to the gym. Maybe instead you should focus on criticising her cardiovascular? Like if she climbs stairs and is out of breath, tell her that the gym would help her out. Then tease her a bit about that. From what I understand, women are less sensitive about their cardio health than their weight, and both are related. :) Plus it seems like you are truly concerned about her health instead of criticising her appearance.
     
  14. Kerberos

    Kerberos New Member

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    I disagree with you. If I take my case for example, during the time I was in a burnout, I gained 20 lbs with no changes to my diet. Maybe the op should try to evaluate the psychological health of her friend, see if she is not experiencing problems at home or work. Weight gain is, after all, a sign of depression.
     
  15. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    We are actually saying similar things but you believe it's ok to bring it up sooner rather than later. Ok...we'll have to agree to disagree then.

    If you disagree that unsolicited advice = criticism then that's fine but it's been my experience that it's true. Now some people can handle and welcome criticism and others hate it. That's why, IMO it's better to wait until his friend expresses a desire to change rather than force a change upon her.
    I do agree with this advice.....attraction rather than promotion.
     
  16. kEVOgt350

    kEVOgt350 Like a flashlight on but lost, my energy's there b

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    I was disagreeing with the part where you said you analyze their true desires based on their actions and not their words. When someone chooses food over health I don't think it's because they want to; I think it's because it's easier. I should have been more clear, but I was at work and it came out a little hazy. Like you said, the rest we are basically in agreement.
    :wiggle:

    Anyway that's a bit of a side track. OP, haven't heard from you. What do you think will work based on what you know about your friend?
     
  17. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    OH lol.

    Well as they say...talk is cheep and that's because supply exceeds demand. :) but seriously....when someones words and actions don't match, you have to look at their actions because that tells you more about that person. It tells you where either their desires, addictions or w/e lie but more importantly....how they are likely to respond to your suggestions.

    I deal with people everyday that whine and say they want to change. But when the "rubber meets the road" they are all talk....so then I call them on their actions. I highlight how their words and actions are not in agreement and to make progress, they need to bring these two into agreement.
     
  18. kEVOgt350

    kEVOgt350 Like a flashlight on but lost, my energy's there b

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    You're right, the reason could be psychological in which case confronting her about it would probably be a bad idea. I wasn't attempting to give a reason for her weight gain, but rather addressing a concern about what may happen down the road if she continues to gain weight.
     

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