Another LDR Thread v. Female Perspective

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by haargerman, Jun 8, 2009.

  1. haargerman

    haargerman ayuh.

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    Once again, for the third summer in a row my GF and I are in different states, this time, probably the farthest away she could possibly be without being in a different country (She is in Hawaii for 10 weeks).

    You think I would be used to this by now, but it never gets easy.

    I need some help from the ladies for this one, I'm trying to figure my GF out.

    Last summer: We talked ALL THE TIME, we would sometimes spend an hour or more at night on the phone. I went and visited, etc.

    This summer: It is completely different. We spend at MOST 20 minutes on the phone once a day. She blames it on the 6 hour time difference, but I don't really see this as a valid excuse. I brought it up to her that I think it would be good for our relationship to try and find time to talk more. She doesn't have any problem with the 10-15 minute conversations.

    I also bought her a webcam before she left so we could skype...well, it's been 2 weeks and we've skyped maybe twice for like 10 minutes each time, and that was on maybe the 2nd or 3rd day. Whenever I ask if she wants to have a "skype date", she just shrugs it off, tells me she's busy or whatnot.

    It was her choice to go to Hawaii for the summer (internship), but it's kinda like she enjoys being away from me and I can't really understand why she would.

    To me, I've voiced my opinion and told her I'm not ok with her going so far away for so long, but I'm obviously not going to stop her because she is a grown ass woman.

    Oh, we're both 21, and have been dating for 2 1/2 years.

    I'm not sure how to get through to her. Am I just being a bitch? Do you think she's just putting up a front and trying to "be strong" so she doesn't have to face the emotions of being away?
     
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Active Member

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    i was away from a gf for 3 months....8 hour time difference, we would talk shortly on AIM but pretty much everyday...but she also was the type that wanted constant communication.

    i'd say, if she doesn't seem that willing to talk, just let it be and address the issues when she comes back, assuming you two are living permanently in the same area and are still together
     
  3. notsousual

    notsousual New Member

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    The time difference thing is bullshit. Someone I once cared about was far away from me for a long time, with a 10 hour time difference. I made sure to communicate with him daily, if he was capable of being on the internet.

    Have you talked with her about your concerns about how she's acting? I know you mentioned you'd talked with her about how you don't like her going so far away and that you would like to talk more, but since she's been gone have you raised your concerns about how you'd like her to change in her communication patters? If so, what was her response?
     
  4. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Are you serious dude?

    Your g/f is spending 10 weeks in Hawaii and you're trying to figure out why she isnt talking to you 2 hours a day?!?!?!?

    Bro, SHES IN HAWAII. Theres two things you need to realize.

    Number 1, no offense to you, but no one in their right mind is going to be chillin in Hawaii and constantly thinking about their BF and what they are doing. Shes in easily one of the most beautiful places of the world and yet you want her to call/talk daily for a few hours? Come on man. I'd be happy that shes still callling you daily, let alone only for 10-20 mins at a time.

    Secondly, you are doing the RIGHT thing by not trying to intervene with her plans/life. She is taking some serious steps in her life/career/job if she is interning 1000 miles away. Seriously, if you love her and want this to work, be happy and support her. Whether or not you want to realize this, shes in hawaii, there are plenty of good looking guys for her to get her mind off you if she needs too.


    To answer your question.... Yes, I think you're being a bitch.
     
  5. ldaggerl

    ldaggerl New Member

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    I think you should ignore her a bit. Really if she doesn't care then stop caring yourself. Its not easy when someone's away for long periods of times. It causes many problems. I think that you should take some time and keep busy. Maybe she'll get the point even if you have told her how you feel.
     
  6. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    Was going to say exactly this.

    You've been dating for 2 and 1/2 years. 20 minutes is plenty, grow up, stop being so insecure, and find a new hobby... I wish I had hours to waste a day so that I could talk on the phone (though I wouldn't waste it talking about stupid shit on the phone).
     
  7. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    You need to back off kid. Your neediness is going to push her away.
     
  8. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    :werd:
     
  9. MP18

    MP18 New Member

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    relationship dynamics change over time, you need to deal with the fact that what she wants out of you and the relationship is going to change, and you have two choices:

    1. you can deal with it and adapt to a growing relationship and its demands and expectations

    2. you can decide that it is no longer what you want and end it

    the one think you can't do is try to force a pattern of behavior that is comforting to you or unnatural given the relationship's circumstances - that is just going to alienate her from you can make for an immature, uncomfortable environment
     
  10. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    i went to cleveland for work for a week. the gf and i talked on the phone twice a day for a TOTAL OF 20 min (2 calls a day that lasted 10 each).

    who talks on the phone for hrs? i think i did that once when i was in highschool.


    your relationship is not new. most people in a LTR do not need to talk for that long.
     
  11. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    well i guess im going against the rest and saying that i think its fine if you want more than 20 mins a day. i can understand that. my husband was in london (8 hour time difference) and we managed to skye multiple times in the day while he was gone. neither of us would have been satisfied with only 20 mins a day, so we both made the effort to work around the time difference

    bottom line though, she doesnt seem to want to. i dont think shes trying to put up a front, i think she just doesnt feel the need to talk more than 20 mins a day.

    now you have to decide what you want to do about that. if its not enough, tell her, and if she still doesnt care, then you need to decide if you want to be with someone that doesnt want the same thing you do

    dont forget to take in to account things she might be doing out there that are valid reasons for not being able to talk. if she wont help, then you either need to suck it up and live with the 20 mins, or leave her
     
  12. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :werd:

    Seriously. Just because you talk for 3 hours about absolutely nothing does not mean you are having a meaningful 3 hour talk. If you religiously talk on a daily basis there's not always something to talk about for over 20 minutes :dunno:
     
  13. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    You're kind of being selfish. I'm assuming that she doesn't go to Hawaii all the time so do you really want her to sit on the phone with you for two hours when she has this awesome opportunity? Don't be the guy who holds his gf back just because he wants to talk to her about the weather she is missing out on for hours.

    So, suck it up.
     
  14. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    I'm sure this is a big part of it...

    You're both young and you've been tied down to each other for awhile. Don't expect this relationship to last forever.
     
  15. haargerman

    haargerman ayuh.

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    Well, thanks for the honesty. I will stop being so "needy". It's kind of funny how the tables turn. The day or two before she left she got all pissy because I wasn't spending every moment with her.

    The biggest issue here is the sincerity of the conversation. Our conversation has increasingly gone downhill...in such a way that it seems kind of empty, and its she sees it as a chore she has to do for the day. It isn't a matter of how long the conversation is, I loath talking on the phone for hours about nothing. But talking on the phone for 10 minutes about nothing is a completely different animal.

    I brought it up a few nights ago, but she just got defensive, which is understandable.

    Thanks for the advice.
     
  16. haargerman

    haargerman ayuh.

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    Funny thing is, between two summer classes, and two jobs, I work over 60 hours a week. Yet, I still find time to be able to take what little time I have left from a social life and talk to her. Why? Because I care more about her, and her wellbeing than I do my own.

    Call me crazy.
     
  17. ldaggerl

    ldaggerl New Member

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    Well some people need to be shown they aren't the center of the world and although no one would ever really admit it they want to be treated that way. Don't call her, tell her your busy with shit and when you get the chance to call you will. Tell her you love her and hope she's have a good time. End of story. Talking on the phone blows, I've done it and enjoyed it but after a while it gets old and boring. Give her some time and she may come around.
     
  18. SquallRm

    SquallRm New Member

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    Jerz, ya dig
    You're crazy and in too deep imo. Only spells trouble if she were to meet someone else, or you suspect it.
     
  19. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    Keep that up and you're going to end up fucking yourself in the end.

    Do you have friends? Go out and hang with them now that she's gone. Go out and be a guy and do guy things with your guy friends. That's what you should be doing.

    She's in Hawaii let her have her fun, and go out and have some fun of your own too. Who knows, maybe you'll have less time to talk to her as well and because she knows you're out she'll put more effort to talk to you again.

    Women hate to feel like they're not #1 #2 and #3 in your life.
     
  20. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    you forgot #4 and #5 as well bro............ :squint:
     
  21. Joybang

    Joybang New Member

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    Thanks Phil. :mamoru:
     
  22. haargerman

    haargerman ayuh.

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    :h5:

    Thanks for talking some sense in to me. Too busy for any bullshit anyways.

    Whatever happens, happens..right?
     
  23. MariaMaria

    MariaMaria New Member

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    after 2 1/2 years, i wouldn't be able to stand more than 10 minutes on the phone. use this as an opportunity to appreciate each other. "absence makes the heart grow fonder" lulz. it's true tho. she will miss/appreciate you if you don't turn insecure and weird about it. do your own thing. see what happens. can't control anything with the webcamz.
     
  24. haargerman

    haargerman ayuh.

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    UPDATE:

    We didn't talk for about 3 days. I called and left a voicemail asking her to call me back. I finally received a call about an hour ago.

    We talked a lot about what our relationship means at this point. She said a lot about not being sure about our future, etc etc, and it was hard to swallow but I listened and encouraged the honesty. However, I have a feeling she is holding something back. I really think she might have messed up, and knows that if I find out that I will leave her and never look back.

    At this point she said she "thinks" she wants a break. But at the same time she still wants to be my friend (fuck that). I told her that a break will NOT solve anything, and she shouldnt run away from me, unless she's willing to break it off completely. She said she still had "a lot of thinking to do..."

    She doesn't want to be with me, but she doesn't want to lose me.
    I don't want to take a break, I love her and I want things to work out.

    ..But at this point, and I think I know what the reaction from the forum will be: Dump her and move on. If she wants me back she'll come crawling back.
    This isn't easy.

    Thanks for listening
     
  25. Bacardi 151

    Bacardi 151 New Member

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    A break but your friend? :hsugh:

    It sounds like she made up her mind already man. :hsd:

    I don't think you even need to bother dumping her. She has already moved on. :hsd:
     

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