last semester i made a good friend; a girl. we recognized each other in a class, and remembering that single time we met 12 months ago, started talking. by the end of the class we'd rearranged our schedules so that they were almost identical, and resolved to work together for the group assignments for this semester for the 3 (out of 4) subjects we had in common. well.. the semester went by. she wasn't the sharpest knife in the cupboard but she tried.. and it was good fun having her around. in fact it became so good to have her around. as far as academics went.. it was a good combination. when she gave her full concentration, i was encouraged to give mine. when she didn't, i would burn myself out because i knew.. she could see me suffering, and yes, the resulting guilt trip produced a very productive partner later on. we also became good friends. i talked to her everyday.. we talked on the way home, our conversations lasting between 30 and 60 minutes. we'd ramble on just about everything.. and it was always a pleasant surprise, and a great note to end the day on. four weeks into the semester we started having dinner out together; once a week maybe, taking turns paying the bill. it was great. it was a far cry from my previous semesters of coming home every night alone, trying to convince myself not to step in front of a moving vehicle. i was quite the recluse then; i'd go for days or weeks without having had a meaningful conversation with another person. i'd read existentialist novels to spur my indignation and feel exalted in my desperation. basically, meeting this person resulted in a dramatic change in my life. for the first time i could concentrate on my studies. my grades were on the right track. i was literally seeing what i was capable of for the first time. i had enough confidence to start conversations with strangers, as well as people i already knew but wouldn't normally talk to. i've also been looking for a job for a long time, but i never had the self-confidence that i had at interviews this time around; i landed the first paid job i've ever had where i wasn't self-employed. i was happier around family, and my friends could see that i'd stopped spouting the usual depressing ramble. i also lost the tension i typically when having dinner with other girls. ** all this time we were just friends. on the last day of the semester, i kissed her. i guess i should mention here that she had a boyfriend. 4 years. he doesn't go to the same school, but we've met several times. the point is i acted in full knowledge of this. she reciprocated my sentiments. exam period.. we proceded to study intensively. there was this ironic day where i met the boyfriend in the afternoon (where he wished me good luck on an exam), and had sex with her for the first time the same night. we're still seeing each other. but the next semester's starting soon, and this raises several questions, with the one i'm sure is on the tip of some people's tongues being: "is all this really gonna last?" and so, my little dilemma; all i can see good in my life at this point is founded on a shameless little charade. there are very many reasons this might fall apart, and i'm convinced that it's only a matter of when and how it all ends. one question i'm worried about is how is basically: what am i gonna do when that happens, because i can already see the very big hole i'm gonna have to somehow try and fill. i don't know what i'd do if i had to go back to how i lived before her. one comforting thought is that we were friends a whole 3 months before that kiss. rebuttal; we both saw said kiss coming.