"For the past two years, life hasn’t exactly been easy. Two years ago was the last time I had a serious girlfriend and the last time I got laid. I’ve had chances since then, but chose not to because of the situation. Also in the past two years, I’ve grown increasingly sicker and I’ve developed chronic scapular pain that inhibits my life a great deal. The working diagnosis is a form of Muscular Dystrophy and they’ve only come to that conclusion recently, after months and months of MRIs, CT scans, X-rays, and an EMG. The doctors have also managed to get me addicted to pain pills, which I’m thankful for because it’s the only reason I sleep at night. The pain has gotten so bad and so constant that it’s served to alienate me from almost all of my friends. They’re all still teenagers or young adults who have never had to face trauma or pain. They complain about asinine things and it really bothers me that they think their lives are that bad, because most of them are extremely blessed. I used to be whiny and think life was terrible but I was just young and naïve. I just recently had my birthday and I went out to a fancy dinner with my best friend, who is female. She and I have known each other for probably a year now, but we are on the same wavelength and she’s the only person I’ve ever met who just gets what I’m saying without me having to explain it. Stupidly enough, on the night of my birthday I let my hormones, weakness, and sex deprivation get the best of my better judgement and we started making out and getting hot and heavy. She’s extremely inexperienced and I could tell it was a new experience for her. It was weird having someone view me as being the completely hot one. We stopped before anything too serious happened, but I’m still extremely worried that this will jeopardize the friendship. She’s basically the only true friend I have left and the only reason she understands what I’m going through is because she’s been through trauma and tragedy in her life as well. If there was ever a near perfect personality for a girlfriend, she has it. And I’ve always told her that what’s outside doesn’t matter, it’s what’s inside that counts. So it’s left quite a bit of cognitive dissonance that I keep reaching for these pretty girls who I know will break my heart and fuck me over. My best friend is attractive, but only moderately so. I’ve built up this belief system in my head that I have to have butterflies and feel completely infatuated for it to be a worthwhile romance, which I often question if that’s the right way to look at things. I don’t want to get into a relationship with her if I’m going to be stuck in the “grass is always greener” mentality. I’ve been trying to search for things that make me feel better. I’ve been losing for so long and I’m not getting positive reinforcement from anything. Not a lot is going right. My family is falling apart, school is going ok but it takes so much energy that I don’t have anymore, my numerous health tests are all inconclusive. I’m just looking for an honest, objective viewpoint on my belief system, what I should do about my best friend, and how the hell I’m going to survive this pain when I don’t have any motivation or reinforcement to continue. "