SRS Anonymous thread: I'm afraid I'm ruining my relationship

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Oct 8, 2007.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    This is going to be long and possibly confusing because it’s so many emotions at once, so I appreciate if anyone makes it through my ramblings. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year ½ and I feel like I’m slowly but surely ruining what we have in the last few weeks. What is the issue? I am insecure. It is frustrating because I am actually a confident person, yet when it comes to my boyfriend I always question myself and my worth. I will be honest and say I’m used to being with men who act as if they are lucky to be with me. Not like I’m some spoiled brat, it’s just that my boyfriend isn’t a very emotional person. Our relationship didn’t start like a fairytale; in fact we’ve more had that “honeymoon phase” people talk about from 6 months on. That was pretty much when we both admitted how we felt about one another and realized how great we were as a couple and knew that we were meant to be in a serious relationship. So what’s the problem? Well the one thing I know is it is almost all me. Yes, he is a little emotionally slow and has a hard time telling me how he feels about me which gets to me. But most of it I admittedly realize is my issues. I feel as if I’m starting to ruin what we have out of insecurity and fear of what could happen to us.

    I love this man more than I’ve ever loved any guy I’ve been with. I have been in many relationships in my life, but this is the first where I am constantly blown away at how well we work together and how much I still love him every single day. Personally, I have grown so much being with him and can’t believe that I found someone I actually picture a future with. I’ve never seen a future with any man I’ve dated until him, and I’ve had some longer relationships. I’ve always held my guard up and been emotionally slow as well, but he has since started to break that down because I love and trust him so much. I have been hurt though, so most of my problems are based on fear of being hurt again. Oddly enough, one of my weirdest traits is that I have no issue pouring my love out about him on here or with my family and myself, but when we are together we just don’t gush about one another. I could be lying in bed with him and thinking about how much I adore him and want to shower him with it but I know he just won’t reciprocate that enthusiasm back so I usually just kiss him and offer him a back rub or something. He’s the kind of guy (even his friends have told me) who just doesn’t gush over loving feelings. They say I’m the only girl he’s ever been so into though, so I can’t imagine him being even more unaffectionate with other girlfriends.

    One thing I’ve thought a lot about is the decision that I could move in with him eventually, and that is a huge step for me, but I sometimes worry he wouldn’t want to live with me. Our leases are both up within a week of each other in 8 months. I recognize it is a long ways away but I can’t help but thinking about whether or not he’d want that kind of commitment. We spend probably 6 nights out of the week with one another as it is. And I know living together would still be different but I am positive we would be just as happy because I also appreciate my privacy and respect that he needs his as well. We both have talked about being firm believers in only moving in when it was serious enough and a good decision. I keep thinking that when time gets closer to move he’s just going to find a place and still be living with his brother. His brother is 22 and basically mooches off of him for money and everything. My boyfriend is kind of a pushover and I know that when it comes to family I can just picture he can’t get the courage to tell his brother that he doesn’t want to live with him, but more so with me. It is obvious his brother is just assuming they will live together again and this distresses me. I’ve only brought up once with him the idea of moving in together; it was when we recently re-signed our own leases. He had already started talking about possibly looking for a more “mature” place to live after this next year. I casually asked him (after he had mentioned living with his brother and friend again) if he had ever at least thought about me living with him. He seemed a little shocked but genuinely answered that he hadn’t thought of it, but the idea didn’t scare him. I haven’t brought it up again since obviously it is a long time away, but I was glad I at least mentioned my feelings on it. Now it’s just more a matter of when would it be appropriate to really talk about it again?

    I’ve had quite a few stressful past few months. He’s been there for me the entire time. What I’m thinking though is that I am scaring myself into thinking he’s going to lose interest in me. I realize this is ridiculous because obviously if I always act like an insecure witch who is cranky then why would he still love me? Whenever we have a small argument for some reason the first thing my mind thinks of is “please don’t let this be the thing that makes him stop loving me.” I know I need to be my normal cheerful happy-go-lucky self. It’s as if in the back of my mind every time he does something stupid or says something that hurts my feelings I let it get to me more than it ever has before. The other day he brought up his ex girlfriend, it was (for the record) in a relevant way, but their have been just a few things I’ve heard about her over time that make me think she was more important to him or something. They had such a strange relationship and he broke up with her supposedly because he was just over them as a couple and they were better friends (by the way, they are not actually friends anymore). It just confuses me though because I sometimes think they were even closer than we were, or secretly worry that I somehow just don’t measure up.

    Essentially I guess overall my biggest worry is that I will put all my metaphorical eggs into one basket. I hate wearing my heart on my sleeve because if this man just decided now, in 6 months, or in a year that he just didn’t feel something that serious for us I would lose it. I’m usually the person that lives day by day, but at what point do you need to think about your future?
     
  2. JeremyR

    JeremyR New Member

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    I think I can give a good reply to your post, because I was in similar situation with my girlfriend.

    First and most important, you know where your problem is - you have insecurity issues. And that is a problem only you can solve. Yes ,he can help you about it, talk about these little bugs that crawl your mind and set you at peace...but only for a while. If you don't stop the machine that's creating those bugs, it's byebye relationship.

    Imagine that you can lose him, in any way, and try to develop yourself as an independent person. That way you will gain confidence, be more attractive to him and in case something happens in your relationship ( which you can't control ), you will be back on your feet and keep living your life.

    Hope this helps ;)
     
  3. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    where are you in your life? 1.5 years...why the rush?



    perhaps you can transfer the energy you are wasting on worrying about him/your relationship's future onto something productive that will serve your independent future well, a byproduct of which may be beneficial to your relationship.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    JeremyR-I understand what you are saying. Like I mentioned before, I recognize that I am the one's with these insecurity issues and I know only I can fix them. It's a constant struggle that I have to face, but I know I need to realize me having these issues are only going to make me more unattractive to him and possibly lose him.

    I do have a life independent of him. I totally get what you are saying in that case. Sometimes I get so worried in my head that I try and picture what life would be like without him and it hurts. Not that I couldn't take it (because I'm a very independent person) but just because I hate him not being in my life. I think he makes me a better person.

    lauren-It's interesting because even I am able to step back and say to myself "what is the rush?" And you know what, some of it has to do with expectations. A lot of my family members have even asked when are we moving in together or if we talk about marriage. Now they don't totally brainwash me, but I can tell that a part of me has almost started to expect that seriousness from him, you know? And the other part is just the fact that I'm being insecure and thinking about how I don't want to put myself out there just to get my heart broken when it turns out he doesn't ever want to get that serious with me. I know thgat is a thing we all have to face sometimes and I have to decide. So far I'm choosing to keep trying to live day by day.

    I'm also putting a lot of my efforts into my career right now and trying not to put so much attention towards him.
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    So last night there was a big talk of sorts. We were hanging out with 2 of his friends when one of them brought up football tickets for our university’s football team next season. They were chatting about how the best idea would be to buy a big group package of tickets and then while I am right next to him he says (to his friends) “so it’ll be us three….” and names the other people. I literally was so shocked he excluded me I completely blurted out “Excuse me? I’m not invited?” He seemed taken aback and his two friends had that “oh shit, he is dead face” and jokingly tried to save him. We go to all the games together and he’s always said how he has such a great time, yet all of a sudden it was as if he hadn’t even thought about me going. This honestly hurt me.

    Later that night when we were alone we talked about it and I pretty much broke into tears just admitting that it felt like I wasn’t very important to him because he had admitted that he just hadn’t thought of me at the moment when he was explaining to the guys about the tickets, but I thought there was more to it. I admitted how insecure I feel sometimes because of certain things he does or more doesn’t do or say and then apologized profusely for the last few months that I have been overly stressed. I actually felt better because as usual he handled it all so well and tried to calm my fears. He admitted that he still has much to learn about long term relationships because at heart he is very selfish. There are things he has gotten much better about, but still says he’ll put himself before me in a lot of cases and he’s sorry for ever making me worried about how he feels and that he would still work on certain aspects. I guess that’s all I can hope for, but either way I feel much stronger after that talk.
     
  6. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    again, where are you in life? age, have you graduated?


    if you're in a transition period, it makes sense that they would not necessarily assume you'd be available for next years games, or housing.
     
  7. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    lauren, I've graduated and have a job...so as much as I wish that could be an excuse it's not. I'll always be open for games like I am now. He admitted that it honestly was a case of him just not thinking of me in the situation even though I was right next to him. As if he was really talking to the guys so he didn't have to mention me. He later claimed that almost always he just figures I know it is a given that I am invited, but I felt that was just a little too easy an answer

    I do understand that he is quite selfish and not used to worrying about how others might feel about his actions. There are a few things he's done before that were very selfish that he has since fixed since we've been dating and I really appreciate that he at least gives a damn and is trying. He pretty much knows though at this point that if he keeps making me feel unimportant in certain aspects that I'm done. I'm not going to be in a relationship with someone where I am the last to know that he is planning something without me.
     
  8. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    That's good, you shouldn't put up with things like that. If it happens consistently then there's a reason for it.

    btw I'm pretty sure I know who this is :o
     
  9. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I wouldn't put up with it if it keeps happening (the whole him not inviting you places). I'm not saying couples have to do everything together, but if numerous plans are made for things you are left out of I don't find that very right.
     

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