SRS (anonymous thread) If you have messed up parents will you become messed up.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Apr 9, 2008.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I'm dating someone now. Its only been for a little while. My dad tells me that I should get out because the family is loaded with problems and in his words "the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree" Is there truth to that?
     
  2. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    a lot of truth.


    you date the girl, marry the family.
     
  3. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Yes...when you marry, you marry the family too.

    Many marriages break up over family issues. It's very, very common.
     
  4. eXyle

    eXyle ׂ

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    to answer the question, no. just because your parents are "messed up" does not mean you'll end up like that as well. granted, you very well could, but if you realize you're in control of your life and choices, you can actively become someone who is not "messed up".

    in regards to the topic, dad has a point. even if she is perfectly normal, if the relationship becomes serious, you will have to deal with her family. that is, unless she has very little to no contact with them. however, assuming that there's a normal level of interaction between her and your family, there could be issues down the road regardless of how normal she may or may not be.
     
  5. Redbeard

    Redbeard OT Supporter

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    in a word, yes.
     
  6. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    That girl grew up around her family. She probably spent more time with her family members than any other person alive. Naturally, we become like the people we hang around the most, in some way or another.

    I would agree with your father. The acorn typically doesn't fall too far from the tree. Although, there are no absolutes here, so it may be worth doing some investigating.
     
  7. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

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    yep.

    most of the time, arranged marriages are setup because the two families like each other and would be honored to call the other side family.

    No difference if you pick your spouse. Same thing since they drag that shit with them forever.
     
  8. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Explain how and why her family is "messed up."
     
  9. Man Bear Pig

    Man Bear Pig Banned

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    If she is anything like me, or has family anything like mine, then yes, she is fucked. Best to avoid it all together. I dated a girl who actually had a family more fucked than mine, and she was a basket case, and it was painful to tell her, "you need help, and as long as your family is heavily involved in your life, you will not get any better. Good bye."

    Probably one of the shittiest things I have done or said to a person, but it was the awful truth.

    Also, from my personal experience I have given up dating for some time, because I really don't want anyone to have to deal with my shit, or my family's shit... Just get the fuck out while you can.
     
  10. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    I am tempted not to touch this with a 60 foot pole.

    But you are a good guy, I'm guessing.

    It is pretty clear what the current opinion is, and it seems pretty well backed with practical experience.

    I do know that my girlfriend is HEAVILY involved with her family, paying debts and such, and interacts with them on a daily basis.

    It hasn't been a problem so far.

    However, if her family never changes and the math equation was all wrong and unchanging, that would pose to be a real problem.

    Such as the fact that we are trying to establish our own grass roots, and salt does not help.

    I would not exactly drop it as if it's hot.

    I would bring it upon myself to bring it up though. I would not say that so and so said this.

    Tell her it's the one thing you really wanted to ignore and bury and stay away from, but it keeps creeping back to your mind like a zombie (word it better then me, Romeo), and that you have concern as if this would effect (OUR, use our, we, us, much more potent and powerful words) potential children, if there is anything negative she feels about your own family.

    Like I said - what's been said has been said. However, it takes a lot of courage and sometimes pain to swim against the current, however it is often the most rewarding ideal. Or complete disaster.

    Godspeed.
     
  11. chucklenut

    chucklenut New Member

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    isn't big enough for the both of us
    so what would you say to all the people who, their whole lives, had a fucked up family AND has had tons of acquatainces/friends/brothers from another mother in the same boat.........and all turn out to be pieces of shit like their great parents, or worse.

    what are we supposed to believe?
     
  12. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    That while there are behavioral trends in people from similar backgrounds, there are many other things that can effect "how messed up" a person will be besides how their raised or how messed up their parents are.

    Yes, a fucked up family can seriously damage a person and there are lots of examples of this. However, I know PLENTY of people from really messed up parents/backgrounds that do very well and are very well adjusted dispite their crappy family.
     
  13. pixing

    pixing New Member

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    This is true. It makes a lot of sense to infer that a screwy family passes its traits down. But not always - sometimes the kids come out alright. My husband's messed up parents had 4 kids. 2 are out and out 100% scammer/loser/deadbeats you name it. The other 2, my husband included, are more or less ok. Supporting themselves, raising kids, living the good life. Mom is still a little nutty, but my husband keeps her at arm's length and we can have a decent family relationship that way. I know that when the day comes that she dies, we'll never see any of the others again - that's some of the hardness that remains.

    But he had that hardness/arms length thing going when I met him. When she tested the limits, I was a little shocked at his behavior. If we were wading hip deep in the family's disfunction throughout our courtship and marriage, it would be a totally different story.
     
  14. eXyle

    eXyle ׂ

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    well, i believe people have the ability and power to change if they're serious about changing. i don't buy into that "whoa is me" train of thought, that people are victims of circumstance. people who say that they're the way they are because of their parents, neighborhood, and so forth, are robbing themselves of that aforementioned power. i just see it as taking the easy road since you don't have to put any effort in to it, just "go with the flow" and blame anyone and anything other than yourself for the way you are.

    there are those people who grew up against the odds and made something of themselves. those that don't are just as capable, but simply chose not to change.

    in regards to the topic, i will admit that it is difficult to change and become someone different if you're constantly surrounded by those family members and friends. most of the people that i know who changed, keep very minimal contact with those people they are trying to be different from.
     
  15. durka x 3

    durka x 3 New Member

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    Well two sides to a story. My mom's family are messed up like shit. Drug users, alcoholics, theives, the whole 9 yards. She is probably the next Mother Theresa. In turn my ex came from a messed up family. She ended up bringing me down with her too. Ironically 99.9% of our (my ex an I) fights were in relation to her family. Odd how that happens isn't it? Now if you are lucky which I mean lucky as in buying a lottery ticket lucky, she'll turn out fine. If you are not that lucky. (Let's face it, not many people are) Then expect to be in the same situation as I was with my ex.
     
  16. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    My parents are still married.
    I am 37 and have been blessed with having lived a life free of divorcee drama.

    One of my goals in getting married and being a Dad is to give that same gift to my children.

    I was dating this woman a few years back. She was a decent enough person. But both her parents where on there 3rd or 4th marriage.

    This always bugged me. I mean, I like to think that I learned how to treat my SO by watching how my parents treat each other.
    What does that say about her?
    Marriage isn't always going to be fun. What are her coping skills like? Both her parents are on multiple marriages, what does this tell me about her parents views on relationships? When the going gets tough the tough get gone?

    These were questions that were never far from the front of my mind the time I was dating her. The relationship didn't work out.

    I am married now and expect my first kid in the next month.
    My wifes parents where married all there lives (her Mother died 2 years ago).
     
  17. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    This only works if you spend a LOT of time figuring out what you've learned that is fucked up, and a LOT more time learning how to not do that anymore. Hell, a lot of people have issues they don't even know about until after they're married with kids, because nothing ever triggered those issues before.

    This mind over matter shit is great in theory, but the mind can only conquer matters it comprehends.
     
  18. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    He's right. You have to make your own decision but let me be very clear. The probability of him having problems is very very high. Unless he's in therapy and takes these problems seriously from the beginning, he'll probably end up going through a lot of suffering (And cause a lot of suffer) and other issues.

    It's not always best to listen to family, but if you trust your father and if you two have a strong relationship, I would take his advice very seriously when weighing your decision.
     
  19. daneeyah

    daneeyah Guest


    :werd: x BILLION

    my mom always tells me that... and with the situations I see with my married friends, its very very true unfortunately.
     
  20. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I agree with Daneeyah. How you get along with your partners parents (Or how they treat their daughter or son) is a serious reflection of what the future holds.

    If you don't get along at all, you're relationship will "probably" fail, but again, I'm not psychic, so you have to make the choice.
     
  21. Victoriono

    Victoriono New Member

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    Could be true, but there are always exceptions to everything.
    If you have a messed up family you're not doomed to becoming messed up yourself.
     
  22. eXyle

    eXyle ׂ

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    just because it's difficult does not mean it's impossible. i do not advocate "throwing in the towel" in these scenarios just because it's difficult, will take time, and possibly require the help of others.

    that's why those that are truly motivated to change, do and those that are mostly talk, don't.
     
  23. katt_85

    katt_85 OT Supporter

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    "whoa is me?" Don't you mean Woe?

    Sorry, I'm nitpicking. I'm curious what problems her family is loaded with. Have you seen any of these traits in her? Are you prepared to cope with her family to be with this person?
     
  24. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    In the honeymoon infatuation phase, everyone's willing to cope with insanity. :o
     
  25. katt_85

    katt_85 OT Supporter

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    True. :hs: Guess I should have specified coping long term. Sometimes it's ok, at first, then you just can't take it anymore. :noes:
     

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