SRS Anonymous: I don't want to be a parent anymore

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Throwdown, Dec 22, 2005.

  1. Throwdown

    Throwdown whore destroyer

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    Forgive me as I know this will horrify some of you, but I simply don't want to be a parent anymore. This isn't some 'whim' of a feeling either, I've felt this way for the past couple of months. I find myself distancing myself from my child. I'm not depressed at all. I never wanted children but became pregnant and choose to keep my baby. I have enjoyed parenting throughout the years,and I don't know if I feel this way because things aren't getting any easier as my child grows up (I don't know why I expected them too).
    Please don't get me wrong, I still give my child the love and attention it (trying to be as anonymous as possible by not using genders) needs. It has a loving happy normal productive household. There aren't any drugs or anything odd involved here either. My child still recieves everything my child needs. I simply don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be responsible for everything. I don't want to do all of the activities and take care of all of the responsibilities that come with raising a child. I still do them but I simply don't have the motivation anymore.
    I don't know how to talk to my spouse about this either. My temper is becoming quite short lately also. My child is older also (close to 10).
    I guess I'm just looking for some words of encouragement and advice here.
    Thank you
     
  2. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    The rewards of parenting don't come until the product (being your child) is complete. The perils of getting to the point of complete success can be horrible. It sounds like you need to take a MUCH needed break. I know this advice grows old, because it's tossed around here so much, but counselling would benefit you so much. Getting problems like this out into the open make repairing them seem like something you can accomplish (instead of festering in them until things are completely fucked up). I had my Son when I was 17 and I lost my second child at 24. I've seen the good, bad and oh so horribly ugly and I have felt every emotion possible while seeing it all. Things can and definitely will get better, you just have to know where to start and what battles to safely pick. Good luck with everything.
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I can only advice you to hang on, and to invest in your child , even tho its hard. Your 'i don't want to do it' feeling is far and far too late, even you should realise this child is here to stay. And you can either make it a great drama, or make the best of the situation. Whatever you do 'never ever' tell your child it was unwanted, i forbid it. What you have to do is to try to let the love 'grow' in your heart for this child, you see your child is 'volnurable', and dependant' on you. Give your child the feeling asif you really wanted it to be here on earth.

    You have a lesson to learn here, namely that you are 'binded' by and to the consequenses of your decision to 'keep' the baby.

    Stop putting a distance between you and those who need you (your child as one of them) , that kid needs mom more then ever, and since its your fault and responsibility i demand you act like an adult and show that you do not only take the lusts, but also the burdens that come in life when deciding that you want a child. :down:
     
  4. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    It sounds like you need release and are not getting it. Are you the primary caregiver of your child? If so, perhaps talk to your spouse, let them know you're getting burned out and that it's affecting your relationship with your child. This should be a top priority for you since you can't rewind time and once you're done with the raising part, you can't do it over again! What you do now will be indelibly marked on your child, so step carefully. He or she has probably already sensed the distance.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd start putting you first for some things, ie. put more focus on your hobbies. If you're not already taking post-sec classes, try something part-time and take a course that sounds interesting to you. Anything that will get you out of the house and not in a caregiving role.
     
  5. Mars Princess

    Mars Princess They hatin'

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    It does not horrify me to hear that you do not want to be a parent. My sister had her baby at 19 and she has felt the same pressures. I can see her wanting to live her old life and conduct herself as she used to. Whenever she attempts to do this, she runs up against a brickwall. As everyone else says, it sounds like you need a break. Of course, this is easier said than done. if you are feeling strained , talk to your spouse about him possibly taking on more caretaking duties so that you can escape at least some part of the day or week so you can pursue something that will fulfill YOU

    People will say that the child needs to come first, but if you are feeling this way and are starting to distance yourelf, then you m ight need to start addressing your feelings and soon becaues the child will pick up on this. Providing everything the child needs physically is but one step. There has to be love behind it and genuine interest. But ya, see if you can hire somebody to help or get your spouse to help out more, so you can have some time to yourself
     
  6. Throwdown

    Throwdown whore destroyer

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    Don't get me wrong, I am completely 100% dedicated to my child and my family. I have no intentions of not keeping up with my 'responsibilities and obligations' (lack of better term). I have no intentions of abandoning my family or doing anything stupid like that. Like I have also said, my child (and spouse) are well taken care of, I fulfill my obligations etc.
    I would never tell my child it was unwanted. I do love my child and my family with all of my heart, I really think you're taking my post the wrong way. I DO attempt to make the best out of the situation. My child may not have been born into the best situation, but that doesn't mean that my child should suffer in any way for that. Please note that I have not felt this way since the very begining, it is a fairly recent (within the past couple of months) feeling. I used to be very content with my role as a parent and used to feel as if I were doing a great job. I am a very active part of my child's life, whether it be volunteering within the school (and PTO) to running a Scout Troop to other extra curricular activities.
     
  7. Throwdown

    Throwdown whore destroyer

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    I wonder if I am not just really nervous because life is about to drasticaly change soon. I don't adapt well to change. I am the primary caregiver. My spouse and I both work but it is opposite shifts and my spouse is home in the mornings (when our child is in school). You're right, I do need some 'me' time, but I just have a really hard time finding it.
     
  8. Throwdown

    Throwdown whore destroyer

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    Is parenting ever truly complete though? I will look into counseling, but to be honest I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of telling this to someone in real life (honestly I've never admited this to anyone before last night to a very close friend.. and then decided to make this thread). I'm afraid that they will tell me how much of a horrible person I am for feeling this way.
    Things AREN'T completely fucked up yet. BUT I know if I let the way I feel go on and never do anything about it, they will be. I WANT to be the same happy content parent that I once was. I just don't know how to get back to that place.
     
  9. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    There's nothing to be ashamed of; you have no time to yourself because of the way your daily life is structured and the problem is manifesting itself through your relationship with your child. To illustrate this in another way, a victim wanting to kill their tormentor is having thoughts that may be considered deviant or horrible, but those thoughts are hardly unexpected when you step back and take circumstance into account. It is not unnatural for you to resent your child (unconsciously or otherwise) for taking up time that would otherwise be your own. You have no time to reset, so you carry the stress forward.

    Your spouse should be aware of how you feel so that (s)he can support you in your quest to find balance and rebuild your relationship with your child, among other things. Even just talking about these kinds of feelings will lift a great weight from your shoulders. Once you've got it off your chest you can start thinking about what exactly is causing you the most grief and figure out what you're going to do to combat the issue.

    One other thing to motivate you into seeking the solution to your problems post-haste would be the thought of your child as a teenager. Those years are hard enough on parents who have good relationships with their kids. How do you think it's going to go if your relationship has degraded?

    Well, parenting as you know it does complete. If it's done right, you end up being friends with your kids as they progress into their 20s and beyond, when you're taking a more passive role in their lives.

    What is going to change? Opportunity favors those who are prepared, so saddle up and get ready for the ride. :)
     
  10. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I think that you aren't a bad parent, i think you just have too much hay on your fork. I advice you to get a nanny or a caretaker to join hands with you into your parenting job ,someone who can take care for your kid so that you can have some free time. Even if it was just one day in the week, it would be such a relief, i think that as a parent you understimated the effort that is invested and needed to educate and raise a child, so my advice is to get some backup support by any means.
     
  11. Throwdown

    Throwdown whore destroyer

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    I will admit to being absolutely terrified of the thought of my child as a teenager! I WANT to be a good parent, I want to deal with things appropriately but I really feel like I'm drowning in this.
    I honestly don't know what can change. I think I want to at least get into the other changes in life (attempting some school for me in January) and work change into that. I think I am going to pull out the Park and Rec Department book and have her pick out a class or something. That will give me at least an hour or two a week.
     
  12. Throwdown

    Throwdown whore destroyer

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    Unfortunately, that is completely impossible. Money will be extremely tight for some time to come. I will be talking to my spouse this weekend to hopefully even things out a little better as far as responsibilities go.
    I will admit that I honestly had no clue what it took to raise a child as it got older. My grandma raised me for the most part because my mom wasn't really there. I don't want to do the same to my child (not be there for it)
     
  13. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    I don't think you are a bad parent, it sounds like you are just extremely overworked and probably underappreciated. You mentioned that things were going to be changing soon, what exactly is changing? I'm hoping, for your sake, that your husband will be working days so you both can be home at nights and can take turns watching the child while the other goes out. Do you have any family members close by who would be willing to watch the child for you once in awhile so you could have a little time to yourself? Or are you friends with any of your childs friends moms? You could make an arrangement with them to alternate playdates at each others houses so you each could have a few hours to yourself. If you could afford it, you could get a gym membership at a place that has child care services so that you could get a little break and exercise while they watch the kid. It sounds like you either need more alone time or more time with other adults with no kids around.
     

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