SRS ANON THREAD: Pills

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by i killed tupac, Jul 25, 2009.

  1. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    [ANON THREAD]

    I've been doing OC, Hydrocodone and Percocet for almost three years now with a tolerance level that is still extremely low. Most I've done in my lifetime would be 20mg in a line at once, but that scared the hell out of me, after I started gagging from all the powder in my nose; It was that ice-cold oxy feeling that hits the nose. HOWEVER, Snorting 5MG of a vicodin makes me feel great, In sense I assoicate snorting the pills with pleasure, relaxtion, and relief. I've tried snorting tyelnol since it's in vicodin, but it won't work, and I can't do that.

    Anyways, I've been doing anywhere from 10-30mg everyday for a week, then off for a week, then back on for a week, constant withdrawls. However my withdrawls usually last for about 3-4 days tops. I can usually sleep through them, etc. worst part about them is the restless leg part, and just being bored and tired. I usually take a 2 mile bike ride right before I withdrawl to stop it from being bad, and it works.

    Anyways, I'm 4 days clean now but a mental part of me wants to buy more. I would have tonight but my person could'nt make it. Anyways, what can stop me from buying it, I can't find a reason. I've had problems all my life, and taking small amounts of OC make my life seem 1000x better, and keep me doing excellent in school, awesome to the girlfreind, and super social with freinds. I have somewhat of a stress problem, and am always bored and have been that way my entire life, but when I was introduced to pills it all changed.

    I'm so confused beacuse I can afford a $10 a day habit, similar to smoking a pack of cigs, which I do also, and it's been 3 years. Maybe it's just my body, that makes me so lucky with them, but I don't know why to quit.

    I'm always wanting to enjoy myself, you know that guy with the beer, well I want that pill. I don't drink or smoke weed, and it's my drug of choice to have fun. However, I can't keep it under control on the weekends, I have to do it everyday.

    So for the long post, but I'm so confused, and just feel like I can't do it beacuse I have no freinds, no social life, a "stay-at-home type" girlfreind, the only thing I ever do that I enjoy is driving around high off a percocet of small line of OC. It makes me life worth living, without it I just don't know. I know I have tons of mental problems underneath, but I am so happy where I am at, minus the withdrawls of course, and the annoying dealers, but I just feel like they make my life complete. Kind of like how people with anixty use xanax, if small amounts of OC/Hydro make me feel this way, why should the be a bad thing.

    Thanks for the help to anyone out there.

    [/ANON]
     
  2. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    I remember being where you're at my friend. It was like taking a crap. I couldn't enjoy anything without out it, couldn't concentrate until i took that crap. Could be the thing i'd wanted to see/do/experience most in my whole life, but until i did that dope, i didn't care, and then, after i did the dope, i didn't care. What an interesting spot to be in!

    I remember sitting there thinking, "what has happened to my life? How did this happen!!" You know, it doesn't matter, it's what you do about it. For me, I found help in NA, and by that, I mean i found a program that let me get back into life and check out something else.
     
  3. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    that's the part that's tricky. pretty soon its the only thing making you feel good, and that doesnt even really work. you know inside you've become a fraud. Its a mess, the worst feeling. I don't wish it on anyone.
     
  4. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    [ANON REPLY]

    REPLY #1

    Thanks for the motivation, that's kind of how I see myself. I'm sitting here thinking I wish I could put this in the past, and stop it for a second to just grasp life. By the way 5 days clean, and no more withdrawls at all. I feel like I made HUGE Progress today, instead of spending $50 for a OC 80, I spent $10 on a pack of smokes and a energy drink instead knowing that would prevent me from getting any pills. That was really hard to do, also both my dealers aren't responding back so maybe this will help, beacuse I don't know anyone else. Everytime I quit for more than 5 days I feel normal, but there's always that evil/devil in my head that says "Get high tonight, and enjoy yourself for once. You don't do anything you are just sitting at home again for months at a time, what's wrong with enjoying yourself tonight." I need to start NA meetings, I thought about AA but I know they are the same in most points. But I don't have a car so it's kind of hard to do that, and no one to drive me. I'm not a point to tell my family yet, I want to be the person who beats it, and says hey dad I did this on my own, and for once in my life have something for him to be proud of. Sorry just ran with my thoughts on this one.

    REPLY #2

    Right that's how I feel for the most part, but I could be saving up money and have so much more to spend on. But money doesn't make me happy, it never has, I don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy anything anymore, I feel like I'm an outcast of society, I hate watching TV, Movies, Eating Out, Concerts, etc. The only thing I enjoy is driving around by myself, listening to music and working on my business plans, nothing else. Opiates just keep me line and allow me to enjoy what everyone else does and enjoy them the way they do. I have never been a normal person, and had common interests as other people, so they kind of let me break my chain and go have fun with everyone, becuase without I don't want to. Also, even before all the drug use, I felt the same as I do now, things haven't changed, so I'm so confused. I don't it will ever be a huge problem, but always a headache in my mind about what to do about it. It's been 3 years now, I don't abuse it to get high, I just use it to relate to the world on levels I have never been able to. So I suppose $10 a day is not a bad price to pay, but I know I'll be fine since it's been 3 years and I've been controlling of the situation, but I don't know what to do? To stop it completly, get a perscription from a doctor and self-medicate, or just to stay where I am at, on and off.

    [ANON REPLY]
     
  5. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    Man, you should check out NA. You're view on life is so inline with where we all were that we actually read about it at EVERY MEETING. Every single one opens with that discussion, that feeling. Man, you would love NA.
     
  6. illectronic

    illectronic I'm Coming Home OT Supporter

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    Try out a twelve step program. I actually liked AA better even though I was a heavy ketamine and weed user. More serenity in AA IMO. If you are doing it just to feel normal than you are like us. Towards the end I was using all by myself just to feel "normal" but it got to the point where it wasn't working anymore and I just wanted to die. Nobody should have to go through this shit alone. Get to any twelve step meeting if you truly want a new life. We aren't about not having fun, quite the opposite. We get sober to live a happy life.
     
  7. JamesL

    JamesL wat

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    You, my friend, are asking the same questions that thousands of "functional addicts" and recreational users have asked time and time again.

    Regardless, there will come a point... and it happens for every opiate user... where that 10mg of oxycodone will not do it for you anymore. Where that single vicodin does not have the same charm it once did. And there you will be at the crossroads. Do you continue using, but in higher quantities to achieve the same effects you once had, knowing that you are headed down a dangerous path??? Or do you put the drugs down.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2009
  8. saosko

    saosko OT Supporter

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    Never done pills, never will.
     

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