SRS An old friend

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Ark, Jan 19, 2008.

  1. Ark

    Ark New Member

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    An old friend that used to have the hots for me came back into my life around the middle of October and things were great. We talked often and hung out as much as we could. Things got hot and heavy early on with sex but I didn't think much of it as I knew the girl was very sexual.

    Well things progress rather how you would expect we got closer and she mentions one day how she was falling for me. She did put up a few red flags of Metallic's she only broke up with her ex about a month to two months before we started seeing each other but it was casual so I didn't have much problem with it. She told me right out that she didn't want to be with him but was just sad that he wouldn't be friends with her.

    The holiday's come around and she was a little sketchy about having me at her parents for Thanksgiving but then she realized it wasn't such a big deal and invited me to it. We also did Christmas and New Year's Eve (her birthday) together too. We got along very well then all of a sudden last week at dinner together she mentions that she isn't as in love with me as she would have normally expected. Now this is only 3 months into the relationship i figured that was totally normal. I realize now that she was warning me that the "honeymoon" period was over for our relationship. This I didn't think was a big deal because all relationships have them and its what you do after that makes the difference.

    So we talked about us and what she wanted from me and she basically said she doesn't know. She knows that she doesn't want a boyfriend right now and I'm ok with that because I do have feelings for her and I wouldn't mind waiting. Originally she said she wanted to just be friends with benefits but it became more than that. She now says that thats what she wants to be again and see what the future brings but she doesn't want me to think we have a future because she doesn't know. She also said that if i need a relationship now to find it in someone else but that she also doesn't want me to leave. She admitted to wanting to have her cake and eat it too. She also said that I was the unattainable guy for her and that now that she has me she doesn't know if she wants me still or not.

    My issue is I don't know what to do. I don't think seeing what the future brings is unreasonable but with so many red flags going on. I'm worried about getting used until she can find someone else. Part of me wants to stick it out and see what happens. The other part of me wants to end it. I also have friends that say stick with it and others that say get out.

    I'm just looking for any sort of advice or insight on what she is thinking. Do we have a chance at working this out or should I move on.
     
  2. nezfotnemom

    nezfotnemom OT Supporter

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    Almost sounds like she was just in it for the kill/conquer....
     
  3. Ark

    Ark New Member

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    Yeah I have my own feelings and they tend to side with the she just using me and I should get out. I just wanted to really get some confirmation. Funny enough she asked me to go out with her to a friend birthday party in less than an hour. I definitely know she wants me for the companionship just to have someone to do stuff with and have sex occassionally thats what shes said also. Its the internal battle of whether i'm ok with just fuck buddies or not. I've never been in this position before.
     
  4. Mulsanne

    Mulsanne The Man = Funk Fusion Chaos

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    I dunno, I feel like if you can continue as you are without risking your emotions too too much, go for it. :dunno:

    But try and keep your guard up
     
  5. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    How easy did you make it for her to get you when she first came into your life again?

    Judging from the tone of your post, I'm guessing you just jumped right into her arms and made yourself look desperate. If this is the case then I would use this experience to learn a few things.

    I'm very surprised at how honest she's been with you about how and what she's feeling. You should be thankful, a lot of girls would resort to childish games and would give you the runaround ten times over.

    Basically this is how I see it. She likes your company (or company of anyone, really) and she doesn't want you to flat out leave her because then she'll be lonely. Ultimately, she wants you to stick around and keep things on a friends with benefits level until she either gets sick of you, or finds someone she wants to have a relationship with.

    This girl does NOT want a relationship with you, and I very highly doubt she will in the future. When people want a relationship with someone they don't say the things that she's saying. They know it for certain, there are no "Maybe's" or "I don't know's".

    If I were you, I would tell her that you would like her to remain a friend with benefits (if you are capable of this without developing further emotional attachment) but that at the same time you will be out doing your thing and if you find someone who you want to date, that that will take priority over what you have with her.
     
  6. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    There is no room for the rule to be misunderstood. It is concrete. A guy is "never" to date a girl who is actively "in" a relationship with a guy, or was and recently broke up. Recently (aka she still talking about him)

    That's the rule.

    If it was casual, then she wouldn't be talking about it.

    It's over, but then again it never really began. You were someone to hang out with, and have sex with. You were the casual one.

    They have them, but they don't end with someone declaring the death of the relationship is near.

    This is womanse for "Nothing, you've already served your purpose"

    Correction. She doesn't want "you" to be her boyfriend. She'll gladly accept someone else who meets all her critiera, unless or until she uses him too.

    It is not wise to wait.

    Womanese for "I want to keep you in my back pocket incase things don't go well while I'm out preying on other men in hopes I meet "that guy."

    In other words "You're not really that important to me, and if you want a relationship, I'm not giving it to you, but I hope you'll stick around so I can use you in the future, but whatever...go ahead and exert your independent and do what you want -- I know you won't leave, because I have what you want."

    She was raising your ego while undermining her respect for you. She doesn't respect you, and hope's you won't respect yourself either, else you may catch on to what she's manipulating in the plans.

    It's unreasonable and foolish.

    Too late.

    You'd be wasting more time, and not only that you'd be deducting your self respect. There are other women out there who have your best interests at heart, this girl does not.

    When in doubt, get out. That's how I handle the stock market, that's how I handle investments, that's how I handle my gut instinct:
    • -- Never Settle. Settling down with one partner is fine, but never settle on anything that compromises your integrity when finding her. Appearances, goals, attitude - she must be compatible with you, so don't fit a square peg into a round hole.
    • -- Be ruthless in cutting off losers, users, pro-daters, abusers and women with low interest, and low self esteem. Hard to imagine, but some women will date you even if they don't like you much. As long as they can tolerate you, and you're paying...hey it's a night out to them. Learn to cut them off.
    • -- Red Flags Avoid these people with these patterns: Abusive parents, abusive ex-husbands, abusive ex-boyfriends, alcoholism, drugs, talks about ex on first, second dates, negativity, disrespectful, confuses you, arrogance/condescending, Cheated in past, self-centered, Breaks Dates, Makes excuses, lies, cusses a lot, No Class, Inflexible, Distrusting, Bitter, Nags, gossips. Women who say something, but their actions and body language reflect different signals. Women with low self-esteem, fixated on money, or have psychological problems, or psychiatric problems. Remember, life isn't fair. I personally fall into some of these areas, and I'd expect a female to be ruthless in cutting me off too if she felt I wouldn't be a good mate for her.
    • -- Always trust your gut. If you think something may be wrong, something probably is. Side on caution and walk away. Even if nothing was wrong that ever surfaced, there are "plenty of fish".
    • -- Maintain and attitude of abundance. Don't assume there "aren't any good women" -- that's pure stupidity. There are 3.2 billion women on this planet, cut out the ones of inappropriate age, health, taken [not single] and other factors and that's still a lot of single women, many of which are right for you!
    She's thinking, how can I make this complex situation best fit my interests? What serves me? That's what she's thinking.

    And no, you don't have a chance. The probability is close to zero.
     
  7. Ark

    Ark New Member

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    This is my take on it. I already have another girl I can get a date with. I had just said no at the time because of the current situation. I'm going to see if I can get that date going. We were friends for years before and we have some of the same friends. So I'm trying to do this without ruining our friendship though that is probably inevitable. She did get what she wanted out of me she used me to get over her ex and now she is done. Thanks for the confirmation its time for me to try and get my game and book back and to return the crap she left at my house.

    *edit* Ended it with her. Not that there ever was anything to end but none the less its done.
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2008
  8. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    I'm glad to see that you have enough self-respect to get yourself out of a situation where you are being walked all over.

    You did the right thing.

    Where in CT by the way?
     
  9. Ark

    Ark New Member

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    little town called Seymour. I'll be moving to a new home soon once I can find one that i like. Buying a house is a pain in the ass and with the market as it is i'm not sure buying right now is the right idea might get a better deal later.
     

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