Am I wrong?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by life, Jun 29, 2009.

  1. life

    life pure sex

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    Update

    So the day after this happens, my gf calls me in the afternoon to say that she has forgiven me and that we should just be friends. Given her past and extreme reluctance with forgivenss (she said herself that she never forgives, she just forgets), I don't really believe her and almost call her to say that she hasn't had enough time to forgive me. But I just let it go.
    Later that night she calls me again, and we talk for a few hours just like nothing ever happened. THe only difference was there was no "I love you" at the end. She calls me the next day and the next night as well, just like always.
    Anyway, the last time I talked to her she suddenly was like "Well you are going to find out eventually so I might as well tell you. I didn't want to even be your friend at first. But I can't not be your friend. But I still can't be with you so long as you still think like that."
    We discuss this for a while, and I finally get it out of her that she thinks because I think like this, she knows that I will cheat on her (she is basing this on her mom and dad because this is the way he started before he cheated). She is convinced that I will cheat on her when I come upon a situation where I know that I won't get caught.
    I can't say that I am completely surprised by this, I mean her parents have destroyed any kind of trust that she would have toward other people, and it's just happening again.
    As for thinking about other chicks, dudes, animals, whatever naked, I can't do it anymore. Every time I would normally do it (like see someone attractive in public), I start thinking "hmm this is where I would imagine his/her torso/shoulders/feet/whatever, but the only thing I can think of is my gf and how I was rebuked for doing it." THen I can only think about her.
    Am so fucked. SHe called me at least 6 times yesterday and I didn't answer one, she left a few voice mails. I can't stop thinking about how I have ruined something so perfect. She says she won't get back with me until I change but she doesn't think I can because I told her it was "natural" and "i can't help it."
    I really screwed myself.






    I made a comment to my gf (completely facetiously) over the phone about seeing another woman and imagining her naked (imaginary woman by the way). I know, not my brightest moment, but if I had any idea it would cause this much problem, I would have never said anything. Of course she was furious (and I admit I would be too), but she talked to me a few days later still fuming. We start discussing what happened, and she finds out that I think about other women.

    I don't imagine what it would be like with them or anything. I love this girl with all of my heart, care for her so much, and I thought I was as committed to her as I could be. Apparently to her, just thinking about other women shows that I am not committed at all and that our entire relationship is one big lie, that i don't love her, etc etc.

    It's not like I sit around fantasizing about other women or anything. I guess I am just a curious person. It's just that sometimes when I see an attractive person (dudes included I suppose) I just imagine what they look like under their clothes, I guess to compare with what I have seen in real life. Like especially if someone is wearing shoes, I'll try to imagine what their feet look like. Sometimes it crosses my mind to kill myself just to see what actually would happen if I did, like where my mind would go, if there is just nothing, etc. I think I am just a curious person innately.

    Whatever is wrong or not wrong with me, this is a huge problem for my gf. She thinks that my thinking or imagining what other women look like shows that I am not committed to her at all. She says that she thinks about no other guy but me, she sees an attractive guy and takes it for face value and doesn't even imagine him without a shirt or anything, EVER. I find this hard to believe. I just dont see how one could stop something like that from popping into your mind (whether you want to or not) just because you are committed to an SO.

    Especially with guys. I mean this is OT for christsakes. You guys know what goes on here. With all the relationships out there, people who are truely committed, there is no one else like me? When you are truely in love, does this level of committment just pop into existence, and I stop doing something which I have done since puberty just because I love her?

    Maybe she can actually go with never thinking of another guy's body forever, maybe it's possible, but I just can't believe it. Especially with guys. I think we are just different creatures. I can't stop what I think, if I could control it I would, but can you not think about a pink bunny right now? I mean, how do you control stuff like that which seems so natural to me. Sure I see how it hurts her, and it would be best if she didn't know, but I thought this was just natural. If she did this as well, I would accept it as being natural and trust that she wouldnt act on any of her thoughs. I would never cheat on her, but just telling you I would never cheat on her makes me think about cheating. Just because I mention cheating, it pops into my mind and I think about the concept of cheating. Doesn't mean I will do it, and it doesn't mean I am less committed to her than 13 seconds ago because I wasn't thinking about the concept of cheating.

    So now she says that the only thing she will be thinking about when she is around me is that I am looking at other women and lusting after them. She can never trust me and says that since I think this is natural and I can't help it, that I will bever be committed to her, EVER. She thinks I was never in love with her, that I don't know what love is, she doesn't think we can be friends because I have hurt her so deeply, more than her parents (which is very very bad, but I am not going there). My feelings for her and what I am feeling now is ineffable, but she will never forget this because she thinks I can't change and I dont know if she would be with me still knowing about this thing that I can't control.

    Am I just wrong? Does a committed relationship mean that you are NEVER going to think about someone you see? I just don't see how anyone can turn off their imagination just because you are in love with someone.
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2009
  2. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Yes, you are wrong.

    Now let me read your post and I'll tell you why. ;)
     
  3. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    Yes, we just had a thread about this where a dude told his gf he jerked off to other females.

    You are an idiot for telling her that and some things should be kept to herself. Now you have prob made her very self conscious about herself. But you have already said it, and there is no way to go back and not say it.
     
  4. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    Every man is going to think about/fantasize about another women, yes.

    Every man should be intelligent enough to NOT disclose those thoughts about said women.
     
  5. life

    life pure sex

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    I said it was stupid. I don't fantasize about having sex with them. I just took it for granted that sometimes people see attractive people and wonder what they look like. I assumed she did this too.
     
  6. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    you are not wrong for feeling this way, apparently she cant handle hearing the truth. either learn to keep your mouth shut, or find a girl who can hear the truth
     
  7. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    Okay, serious answer:

    You're both wrong. You shouldn't have told her you were thinking about some other girl naked. Some women are alright with this, but generally speaking, you just don't do that. I mean how would you feel if she told you she saw some guy and thought his body was incredible and imagined what his cock looked like? I know you're thinking it would suck, but you'd get over it and realize it happens. That's probably true, but since she didn't actually do that, you don't really know how she feels and so she's free to be upset/mad/hurt. You can't own that because it's hers.

    On the other hand she's absolutely insane if she thinks it means you don't love her and aren't committed to her. Is she overreacting? Definitely. Will she calm down and see reason? I have no idea. She's on a rampage of emotions right now and you'll just have to give her some emotional space while she deals with it. If she wants to freak out and ruin things over it, there isn't anything you can do to stop her. If she wants to calm down and talk things through rationally, then you guys can both learn from this and move on.

    Just my 2 cents.
     
  8. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    She's overreacting, but why on earth would you have even brought that up or said that? lol, you failed.
     
  9. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    you made a foolish mistake telling her that.... but her reaction is still batshit insane
     
  10. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    It is because she is not the same, so I can understand her reacting this way. I would not react like that because I'm worse than guys in that matter:big grin:
     
  11. ldaggerl

    ldaggerl New Member

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    Milk was a bad choice.........yeah, don't ever bring something like that up. Even if asked you always try to go around the question. Never give full striaght anwsers that you can't at a later time "technically" get away with.
     
  12. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    :bowdown:
     
  13. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    Though she is justified in not liking her boyfriend tell her that stuff (you seriously need to slap yourself in the face) it seems way way overboard and almost as if she's using this as an escape goat from your relationship... as in she was just waiting for something she could jump on to end it.
     
  14. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    She probably does. But she also knows better than to tell you about it :slap:

    Seriously. What part of you really thought that was a smart idea :rolleyes:

    You want your answer? YES. YOU ARE VERY WRONG.
     
  15. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    she is insecure and does not understand human nature.

    i bet she will say no but i guarantee she wonders what certain men look like as well.

    i wont say you're stupid for saying it bc you already admit it :)
     
  16. saosko

    saosko OT Supporter

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    Wana borrow my X-ray glasses?
     
  17. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    Your girlfriend is:
    1. Insecure
    2. Over-reacting
    3. Possibly trying to get out of the relationship.

    Guys AND girls are visual creatures to some extent. Guys, more so than females but either way both parties look at porn (she's lying if she denies it), both parties check out people of the opposite (or same) sex, and both wonder "what else is out there" on occasion.

    There is NOTHING wrong with any of this - As long as nobody acts on either of these "lusts" then there is nothing wrong.

    Yea, you were stupid for telling her, but she is also insane for carrying a grudge about this. I am one of the most insecure girls that I know but even I think that's ridiculous.
     
  18. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    She's insecure, but you made a rookie mistake.
     
  19. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

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    How long have you guys been together? In the beginning, I would of been pretty put off it my bf started talking about other girls. Now after almost 3 years, I point out hott chicks to him and we 'oogle' together...I oogle hott guys by myself. :cool:

    As has been said, she is definitely overreacting. Sounds like a point of incompatibility. You will have to talk through it with her and define some rules about what you both think is 'fair' in this department, maybe she'll come around.
     
  20. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    I'm curious what you expected her reaction to be?
     
  21. life

    life pure sex

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    Update

    So the day after this happens, my gf calls me in the afternoon to say that she has forgiven me and that we should just be friends. Given her past and extreme reluctance with forgivenss (she said herself that she never forgives, she just forgets), I don't really believe her and almost call her to say that she hasn't had enough time to forgive me. But I just let it go.
    Later that night she calls me again, and we talk for a few hours just like nothing ever happened. THe only difference was there was no "I love you" at the end. She calls me the next day and the next night as well, just like always.
    Anyway, the last time I talked to her she suddenly was like "Well you are going to find out eventually so I might as well tell you. I didn't want to even be your friend at first. But I can't not be your friend. But I still can't be with you so long as you still think like that."
    We discuss this for a while, and I finally get it out of her that she thinks because I think like this, she knows that I will cheat on her (she is basing this on her mom and dad because this is the way he started before he cheated). She is convinced that I will cheat on her when I come upon a situation where I know that I won't get caught.
    I can't say that I am completely surprised by this, I mean her parents have destroyed any kind of trust that she would have toward other people, and it's just happening again.
    As for thinking about other chicks, dudes, animals, whatever naked, I can't do it anymore. Every time I would normally do it (like see someone attractive in public), I start thinking "hmm this is where I would imagine his/her torso/shoulders/feet/whatever, but the only thing I can think of is my gf and how I was rebuked for doing it." THen I can only think about her.
    Am so fucked. SHe called me at least 6 times yesterday and I didn't answer one, she left a few voice mails. I can't stop thinking about how I have ruined something so perfect. She says she won't get back with me until I change but she doesn't think I can because I told her it was "natural" and "i can't help it."
    I really screwed myself.
     
  22. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    well at least you are free to find a girl who isn't a nut job now.
     
  23. saosko

    saosko OT Supporter

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    cliffs? too much to read -_-
     
  24. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    You didn't screw anything. You did something that most guys do, and just made the mistake of admitting it. She's really insecure and that's the real problem.
     
  25. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I know it feels like shit right now, man, but trust me when I say it'll get better and you didn't ruin anything that wasn't already doomed. Good luck though.
     

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