SRS am i wrong for being like this to my mother?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Sandwich, Feb 28, 2007.

  1. Sandwich

    Sandwich OT Supporter

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    some background... my mom left me, my dad and my brother many years ago, so us 3 boys lived alone for a couple years. She got remarried and lives with her husband about 1.5 hours away from us. My dad also got remarried and him, his new wife, my new step sisters and my brother moved off into a new house. I stayed home (bought the house from my dad), and have been living independent in my house for about a year and a half now.
    Now the house that my mom and her hubby live in is owned by her brother(my uncle). My uncle is choosing to sell the house so they must move out soon. There are also problems between my uncle and my mom's husband. They have very low income and can barely even pay him rent. So he's choosing to move out to ohio where his brother lives and of course my mother doesn't exactly want to move that far away. So she either moves out there with him or they split up and she moves somewhere closer to us (my brother and i and rest of her family). No one has the room to take her in...my grandfather, uncle, or my aunts dont have room in their houses. I however, have my entire house to myself with a spare room. My uncle and grandfather both said i should take her in while she gets back on her feet, which i agreed.. she is my mother and i understand that. So as of last month she was supposed to be moving in with me.

    I've always been cold to my mom since they got divorced. Not on purpose, it's just me and i dont know why i do it..but it's me. I dont like talking to her really, barely pick up phone calls, hardly ever drive the 1.5 hours to see her. Only been seeing her on special family occasions and holidays really.. Part of the reason is she isn't all there mentally.. everyone knows she has depression, and seems skitzo (sp?) every now and then. She still treats me like a kid (im 23).. to me it seems like she's stuck back in time where she left off, when i was like.. i dont even remember, maybe 13 or 14? So i wasn't too thrilled about her moving in with me but she's my mother, and i do love her etc etc. She constantly cries on the phone, asks me if i love her.. calls 10x in a row cause i dont answer and leaves empty voicemails.. just very annoying to me. So i tell her she can move in but it's not forever..get a job, get on your feet and look for an apartment. she agreed at first but then it was "why not forever".. she says she wants to settle and not keep moving around. NO.. i told her she is NOT living with me..i live alone for a reason. i have my own life, a serious girlfriend, a dog, etc...NO.. so i tell her it's a couple months MAXIMUM or nothing. she says she can't keep moving so she may just move with ray (husband) to ohio.. shes crying histerically, asking me if i'll come visit.. she's just plain miserable.

    i dont want to be the cause of her life being any more miserable than it already it. they have no money..she's terribly irresponsible with money. It kills her to be 75 miles away from me and my brother..let alone now she will be 500+ miles away. It's killing her. She's 49 and not in the best of health, bad shape. I dont know what to do. I feel soo guilty about not letting her live with me but i cannot be miserable in my own house. if she was a normal mother, maybe i'd let it go for more than 6 months, but i told her 6 months maximum, and she said it's not enough. she's not normal and i can't handle that.. and i need my privacy, especially with my girl. i'd like to get married in the next few years and i just cannot have my mom living there and making me upset all the time. i love her and she's a great woman, a good heart and will do anything she possibly can for me and my bro, but i can't live with her. it hurts me that i'm being like this but i can't help it..
     
  2. pixing

    pixing New Member

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    Tough situation. My first thought was to tell you to sell the house you're in and get a small place so you don't have to deal with it.

    It partly depends on how mentally ill she is. Is she able to get and maintain employment? If she got steady employment for a few months could she afford to support herself? Is she under medical/psychological care? Is she supposed to take meds and does she? Does she use drugs or do any other illegal things (stealing, acting out in public)?

    The trouble is that even if you had her sign some sort of contract that stated that she must find work and take her meds and move out after 6 months it would be virtually unenforceable.

    Rock and a hard place. If you take her in, you have to accept that it will be for a long time, and your life will be impacted. Consider that she is a sick parent and that is what children do. Or - tell her that you cannot help her other than send her some money and help her find section 8 housing. You might feel guilt but you really aren't responsible financially for her care.
     
  3. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Make counselling and job searching a mandatory requirement of her tenancy. You can consult with a lawyer regarding the lease wording if you want to make sure you're on solid legal footing.

    Why? If she signs a lease agreement, she's bound to it by law. Sure, it might be hard from an emotional standpoint to kick her out, but legally he's in the right to evict her should it come to that.
     
  4. Sandwich

    Sandwich OT Supporter

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    shes not on meds.. she probably should be though.

    don't get me wrong though.. she's a good person. just meeting her, she's perfectly normal and nice and whatnot. but try being related to her and being on the emotional end of her..she's a disaster. she's perfectly capable of getting and holding jobs..good people person, good communication.. just at home she makes herself depressed and moody.. like multiple personalities. She's like that cause she can't see her kids all the time. She caused all of her own problems though..she's always miserable and probably always will be.
     
  5. BradUF

    BradUF Guest

    Yeah that sucks to have to take care of your mom at your age. You are to young and she fucked up. If she didn't fuck up her life she would not be in the postion she is in. Sounds like she gets a ton of help from the family just to get by. What happens if she moves in and she starts playing guilt trips to keep living with you past 6 months.
     
  6. Sandwich

    Sandwich OT Supporter

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    and i seriously dont understand how someone can cry at will

    we'll be talking normal like a mother and son should, then she'll be all out crying asking me if i love her

    fucking woman caused her own problems. it sucks that she's helpless, but she has no grasp reality.
     
  7. BradUF

    BradUF Guest

    It really sucks living with someone depressed. Espeically a woman, they do fucking cry all the god damn time and the worst part is they drag you down with them. You will be having a good day and she will suck up all your time to make her feel better, then you will feel like crap.
     
  8. Sandwich

    Sandwich OT Supporter

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    here's a good example

    i was born with SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome)

    when i was a baby i'd stop breathing and possibly die unless you picked me up and gently shook or rubbed my chest to get me breathing. Well my mother was too emotional and incapable of this..when it happened she was too panicky and emotional so her mother (RIP) took me in with her and saved my life the few times it was needed. i lived with my grandparents for 13 years while my parents lived right across the street. i moved back in at home starting with high school.
     
  9. pixing

    pixing New Member

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    I was thinking about the emotional part and guilt mostly - it's one thing to not go out of your way to help your relative, it's another thing altogether to have someone forceably removed. Especially a parent.

    My husband and I have siblings who have much less than we do. They don't work (even though they could) and live off the state. There's always some emergency. Some drama. Some reason that they cannot do what most responsible adults do. Interestingly, they are the absolute first people to insist that family comes above all - they who have nothing to offer in terms of support except bullshit psychobabble that they cannot apply to themselves.

    I know we aren't the only people who have family like this - but we've bailed them out time and time again, eventually we said "no more." Somehow in their eyes we are assholes.

    This sort of thing can harden you - or drive you insane.
     
  10. pixing

    pixing New Member

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    after reading your additional posts - screw it. You don't have to help her, and you'll be sorry if you do.
     
  11. Sandwich

    Sandwich OT Supporter

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    this situation im in would never come to any sort of legal issues or whatnot. no lawyers will ever be involved.. shes still my mom. and the rest of my family wouldn't let it get to that level
     
  12. kpop

    kpop New Member

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    i know how frustrating it can be having a family member forced onto you

    on one hand - you like your life the way it is - and your most likely a private person

    on the other hand - they are family - and you cant just let them live on the streets

    whats more annoying is that the family member doesnt really understand this and thinks its OK to just move in and freeload off you

    i think you should really speak to the husband she just broke up / moved out off - its more his responsibility

    either way tuff situation :(
     
  13. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I don't know how well you are off financially, but if possible rent a small apartment for them, 1/3 paid over 3 people, so she,her hubby and you pay for ,so that you do support your mom, but avoid bringing all the drama inside your own house. Which is possible if you have a deep wallet, it might not be the best of idea's but im NOT a fan of bringing them inside your house, i imagine a LOT of emotional drama is brought inside the house, i cannot imagine your soon to be wife being joyfully rejoiced at the idea neither.

    However look at the big picture.

    Basically the personal arguments and problems that came along with it that your uncle had with you mom and the hubby, is being passed over to you. Its very easy for your grandfather and uncle to say ' take care of it ' but your mom and the hubby are adults, and should normally be capable of supporting themselves.

    Because you agreed you are basically stuck with your mom.
    So my first thought would be

    - Convince them to move to Ohio
    - search an apartment for them there
    - if all goes bad then they can return and stay in your place.

    Advice your mom to see a counceller, and hunt for better jobs, along with her husband to improve their financial situation.

    In the end you can't live someone elses life. Everyone has to stand on their own feet, what you can do is provide help and make an effort to get them back on their feet.

    What should NOT happen is that you let your good intentions be abused by her. I admit i think its terrible what you have to go thru, but you defnitly should not allow this to turn into an ongoing drama.

    And i can understand why you became cold to your mom also, when she left i think you felt betrayed and considered the divorce as a form of treason , as while she should take care of you , she left with another guy. :sad2: Its not something to be happy about, as you said she brings it all on her own.

    So as long as you aren't being abused or get emotional damage inflicted i say help out, and get them back on their feet. But then again though situation so keep us updated on it.
     
  14. SpectraRedZ

    SpectraRedZ New Member

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    I don't think I'd be able to deal with letting my mom live with me "maybe forever". If she needed the help and I had a house, I would probably let her stay for a couple months max, just to get her back on her feet. (Although I'm not sure the fiance would really want to allow her to stay with us, they have a tense relationship right now). She needs to understand you've grown up and have your own life and she can't just waltz back into it and live with you, as if you were still under her roof.
     
  15. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    Personally I think once that relationship is broken it is very hard to get close again.

    I went through a divorce and my mother was a very 'all about me' mum. She has said a lot of things and done a lot of things that I simply cannot get past now. I love her and she is my mum but as a person I don't know if I like her. I have said this to her (not sure if that was good or bad) and she understands to an extent. She is still very much caught up in the 'I am the victim' stage and I don't think she will change any time soon

    I couldn't take my mother in if she did what your mum did. I think you are playing the role of the parent.

    God I wish parents realised that when their child has to parent them, they fucked up badly
     
  16. BradUF

    BradUF Guest


    Not to sound like an asshole but it does not sound like she has done much for you. I mean she can't even pick you up as a baby and rub your chest? I am sorry I see her moving in and crying all god damn day long and making you feel like shit.
     
  17. Sandwich

    Sandwich OT Supporter

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    she's a loving mother but not a very good parent, if that makes sense. She can't rationalize and make good decisions.

    she put a $5000 downpayment on a leased car when i was 18. i refused that i wanted the car because i had no job at the time, a student and i couldn't afford it. she said 'no no no, i'll make the payments, ill pay the insurance..i want to do this for you blah blah blah..i dont want your father buying you your first car blah blah blah'

    that car ruined our relationship pretty much. she couldnt pay for it, so it turned into her calling me non-stop to send her money for insurance and the car payment. she used the car to threaten me, saying she'll take it away if i didnt come see her..if i didn't answer my phone, disrespect her etc. a 4 year lease of nothing but a headache and an empty bank account for me. of course she couldnt afford the car, she made like $8 an hour..a wrx for an 18 year old in nj is like 4k/year insurance.

    just another example to see how she is. a good heart, a loving mom but with bad decisions, no rationalization, and emotional baggage up to her ears.
     
  18. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    It's called being manipulative.





    There is no way I'd let her live with me until AFTER she's demonstrated she can fend for herself.
     
  19. BradUF

    BradUF Guest

    Im sure she has fucked up in so many ways, you really owe her nothing. Anyone can say I love you, im going to do this and that but if you can't work hard enough to provide that then it means nothing.

    It is like some mom sitting there in a shack smoking a crack rock and telling her son that she loves him. It doesn't matter, she has failed as a parent. She failed to provide and she should have not had a kid to start with if she can't handle what comes with being a parnet.

    Also, the whole car thing. That is FUCKED UP. I WOULD HAVE been like, fuck you, I knew you couldn't aford it. Take the car back, fuck your credit.
     
  20. Car54

    Car54 Member

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    wow...

    life is short. Dont ruin yours by dealing with this 24/7.. you DONT want her living with you - you made that clear. Your posts tell me that you'll be miserable every single day that shes with you.
     
  21. robb817

    robb817 New Member

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    help her get a job and give her some money to get back on her feet. but I wouldnt let her move in with me. you'll never be able to get her back out.
     
  22. Sandwich

    Sandwich OT Supporter

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    she's in ohio already..they drove out there. i think once she gets over that she's far away from us and can't really do anything about it, gets a job and gets settled.. i think she'll be fine. cost of living is super cheap out there compared to here. her hubby takes care of her so i think she'll be ok. talked to her on the phone already and she sounded fine, no issues. hope she's atleast content with herself, don't want her anymore looney than she already is :hs:
     
  23. ledzep73

    ledzep73 New Member

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    I hope things go well for her, that sounds like it was probally the best plan of action.
     

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